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#1 of 46 Old 06-28-2012, 09:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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During an argument/discussion, my hubby told me that if I expect him to come home from work and do something like change a diaper that he basically has two jobs: being the breadwinner and being a parent. I told him yes you do and my job (SAHM) is being on call 24/7. It has been a few days since that comment and it still comes to my mind.

I somewhat want to bring up the subject again to talk to him about how we both agreed to become parents and there are responsibilities that go with that decision. Also that viewing it as a "job" probably attributes to the fact that we don't tend to have fun as parents.

Thoughts? If your hubby said something similar how would you feel and react?

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#2 of 46 Old 06-28-2012, 09:54 AM
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Turthfully, I would be six kinds of angry.  50% of the DNA, at least 50% of the work.  I never look at parenting as my job - I look at maintaining the house, feeding people, keeping them in clean clothing, etc as my job.  So by that logic - I have two jobs as well.

 

And would his logic continue if you were to get an out of the home paying job as well? So you could them come home and say "well, parenting is a second job."  Who then takes care of the child? I would bet that there is a bit of "this is woman's work" in there too, since if you said it was a second job, he would still expect you to do it.

 

Being a parent is a lot of work - but it isn't a job.  It is a part of life.  I don't know if the reframe would help him or not - caring for family is something you do, regardless.

 

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#3 of 46 Old 06-28-2012, 10:00 AM
 
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Uh, yeah we would have major issues with that and everything else I have to say about it right now is highly sarcastic and probably bordering on being a UAV.


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#4 of 46 Old 06-28-2012, 10:15 AM
 
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WORD to AdinaL and fruitfulmama.  And there's no *bet* that there's a little "woman's work" behind this, that's exactly what it is.

 

In our house, when the kids were babies and toddlers, DH did the after-work cooking, cleanup, and laundry.  I handled kid grunt work.  We both did cuddles and playtime, and split bedtime.  If your DH doesn't want to change a diaper, fine....wash the dishes or do a load of laundry while you change it (at least that's MHO....my DH jumped at the opportunity to do just about anything other than changing a diaper, and since I didn't mind doing that, but hated doing household stuff, I jumped at the chance, too...lol.gif )


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#5 of 46 Old 06-28-2012, 10:46 AM
 
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if my hubby said anything close to that, i'd think he was on drugs or been taken over by aliens. that is extremely demeaning!! i have always wondered why women put up with that. my dh has always stepped right up with the kids from day 1. it is days after birth before i change a diaper and when he is home he does diapers when needed unless i am already holding the baby. he stays home with them if i need to go out or have a girl's night out. it's just expected. i do encourage him to go out with friends also but he tends to want to be home instead.


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#6 of 46 Old 06-28-2012, 10:58 AM
 
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yes he does have two jobs.  he needs to get over it.

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#7 of 46 Old 06-28-2012, 11:21 AM
 
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If he views things like changing diapers as work, then obviously he would have to agree that you're working all day long while he's at his job.  If you're both working all day, why should he expect you to keep working all evening when he doesn't have to?

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#8 of 46 Old 06-28-2012, 11:25 AM
 
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So his job is 9-5 and yours is 9-...forever. How does he think that's fair?  

 

Does he consider playing "work", too, or just things like changing a diaper? I would be so sad if my husband came home from work and didn't want to interact with our child. My son would be heartbroken, too. He loves "Dada". I do think a lot of men need some down time right when they come home from work, but after that, he should be giving you some down time, too. 


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#9 of 46 Old 06-28-2012, 11:26 PM
 
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I agree with the others. why should your job be 24/7 but somehow he gets to put up his feet at 5 every night. His kids too he needs to get off his bum and help parent them.


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#10 of 46 Old 06-29-2012, 10:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for backing me up, ladies.

 

I think the best course of action is therapy, honestly. The problem is we have tried that twice before and got nowhere (I don't think either therapist was the right one for us).

 

Yes, I believe there is a sense of "woman's work". My hubby grew up in a male-dominated culture. His father was not a hands on parent and he only seems to remember watching tv with his dad. (Although now that I think of it, I don't think his mom was really hands on either: more of the "children should be seen and not heard" mentality.) At his last job, he worked with several guys who were retired military with grown children and frequently heard from those guys that their wives did it all in regards to the parenting. (This may be common in military families to maintain consistency.)

 

anne1140 - Yes, I believe he views playing with the kids as work although I've never asked him.

 

I think another part of the problem is that he has mostly seen mainstream parenting so he believes our lives would be easier if we left our children to CIO and just plopped them in front of the tv all day long. He has told me time and time again that I make my life harder by being the type of parent I am (AP).

 

Yeah, I think therapy is in order.


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#11 of 46 Old 06-29-2012, 10:58 AM
 
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Uhm, he considers parenting to be something unusal for a parent? You are in charge of the parenting when he isnt' there. When he is there, you are both in charge of the parenting.
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#12 of 46 Old 06-29-2012, 12:46 PM
 
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wow, I'd be pissed. Now, DH isn't great at helping with housework, and it's like pulling teeth getting him to change a diaper, but we use cloth and it was my choice to use cloth, so I don't really mind doing all the diaper changing for our 1 year old..That said, he does take over with at least one or both children at night, playing, disciplining, and bedtime. DH works a long hard job and so most of the housework is mine. It doesn't always feel even, but I'd much rather be the one at home washing dishes than out doing the kind of work he does, so I don't mind it most of the time. Thinking spending time with his kids is work though? That's pretty sad..I'm really sorry you're in this situation. :(


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#13 of 46 Old 07-01-2012, 04:15 PM
 
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ONe of the best things I've ever read about sahp compared being a sahp to working at the Home Depot.  Except you never got to leave, you lived there.  If you were at lunch or in the bathroom and a customer needed something, you had to handle it.  If it was the middle of the night and the alarm went off, you had to handle it. Any messes, or needs of the customer were your responsibility. There was no one else to take care of things, it was solely your responsibility to run things 24/7.  I wish I had saved the article, it was truly awesome.  

 

If it's work and a job, when is your time off?

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#14 of 46 Old 07-05-2012, 11:54 PM
 
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I'm the work out of home parent, DH is the stay at home dad and we have these struggles too, so just because the situation is reversed doesn't change anything.  What it really comes down to is that there are times that we BOTH feel like we are doing more than our fair share and not getting the support and/or recognition we need. I DO work two jobs - I am at work all day, and then I come home and clean the house, do the laundry, vacuum, take care of our child, put the baby to sleep, etc., and only then can I sit and relax. DH also works two jobs.  He is at home with DD all day - which IS a job, there is no doubt, and then he handles the cooking, and he also works part time on weekends. When we get out of balance, we need to gently get the other partner to get back on board, the trouble is that we are both tired and don't always communicate well about our feelings when we are tired and feeling alone.  It's a really common problem and we are working through it. You're not alone. 


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#15 of 46 Old 07-06-2012, 07:08 AM
 
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 I am at work all day, and then I come home and clean the house, do the laundry, vacuum, take care of our child, put the baby to sleep, etc., and only then can I sit and relax.

 

BIG difference here, I'm pretty sure the OP's husband is NOT doing these things when he gets home from his job.  And that's exactly the point we're all trying to make.


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#16 of 46 Old 07-07-2012, 10:18 PM
 
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Thanks for backing me up, ladies.

 

I think the best course of action is therapy, honestly. The problem is we have tried that twice before and got nowhere (I don't think either therapist was the right one for us).

 

Yes, I believe there is a sense of "woman's work". My hubby grew up in a male-dominated culture. His father was not a hands on parent and he only seems to remember watching tv with his dad. (Although now that I think of it, I don't think his mom was really hands on either: more of the "children should be seen and not heard" mentality.) At his last job, he worked with several guys who were retired military with grown children and frequently heard from those guys that their wives did it all in regards to the parenting. (This may be common in military families to maintain consistency.)

 

anne1140 - Yes, I believe he views playing with the kids as work although I've never asked him.

 

I think another part of the problem is that he has mostly seen mainstream parenting so he believes our lives would be easier if we left our children to CIO and just plopped them in front of the tv all day long. He has told me time and time again that I make my life harder by being the type of parent I am (AP).

 

Yeah, I think therapy is in order.

Wow! that is something,..but I cant give all the negative word for your husband--reconsider because he has been raised that way. I suggest talk to him.

My husband's family was somehow the same, they are six boys thus making him definitely unsensitive ..LOL But I am a very open person while my husband was difficult to talk to sometimes but we are able to talk it out. (Tip: Talk with your husband after sex--according to study guy's brain are more open for new idea's at this time! It works for me!).

 

And one more thing, even though my husband had been the breadwinner of their family before he is still very sweet and loves to take care of his child. So if my husband will consider the time to bond with my children as "work" I will totally be angry. Doesn't he feel the urge to take care of his child??


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#17 of 46 Old 07-07-2012, 10:26 PM
 
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i would be pretty upset too. dh is the sahp and i do my fair share around the house and with the kids.  i actually want to give him a break and will take the kids out to do something so he can have some alone time.   sorry but you dont get to clock out at work and that's it for the day when you have a family.
 


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#18 of 46 Old 07-07-2012, 11:00 PM
 
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If my husband said that to me I'd tell him I feel like I have about six full time jobs. I'm the sahm by day, night nanny, wet nurse, cook, maid, and event planner. Honestly my first thought when I saw the title of this thread was "of course he does. He HAS two jobs.". If he wanted to kick back and guzzle beer while watching ESPN at night instead of changing diapers and being part of a family he shouldnt have created children with you.
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#19 of 46 Old 07-08-2012, 12:41 PM
 
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Yes, while he is at work (presumably for 8 hours?), you guys divide up the work like this:

 

Husband: at work

Wife: childcare and household management

 

But as soon as he comes home, you have to re-divide the workload!

 

Husband: 50% childcare and household management

Wife: 50% childcare and household management

 

So, yes, he has two jobs: 1 from 9-5, and then he takes 50% of your job from 6 pm-8 am. That is simply how it must work.

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#20 of 46 Old 07-08-2012, 12:54 PM
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Dh and I both work outside of the home, and it doesn't get either one of us out of being a parent.  We both came home and changed diapers (when our kids were in diapers.)  Now we both come home and do whatever needs to be done.  But we don't call parenting a job.  We call it a great responsibility and privilege.  We love taking care of our kids.  If my dh said what your dh said, I'd be worried he hadn't bonded enough with our kids to want to take care of them.


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#21 of 46 Old 07-08-2012, 07:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My computer is not playing nicely with multiquote tonight.

No, my husband doesn't come home and clean the house or cook but he does put one child to bed while I do the other. He generally cleans up after I cook dinner but he does squirm out of the tough pots by leaving them to soak (he puts some detergent and water in there and considers his job done). If he does any straightening up of the house it is usually accompanied by muttering about what a mess the place is. He occasionally washes a batch of laundry: mostly his own clothing. If we have company over - typically on the weekend - he will help me clean the house.

So those are good things but on the other hand it is incredibly hard to have the tv off while he is home. Our older son expects it. When I have expressed concern about the amount of tv our older son watches and the younger son is exposed to, my hubby has told me that it is up to me to change it because he is too tired at the end of the day to do anything to entertain the kids. Meanwhile I am still waking frequently with my 17 month old nursling while hubby sleeps in the same room as our older guy who wakes maybe one out every 10 nights. The diaper changing reluctance is because of the cloth diapers he tells me yet I keep velcro all in ones around for him to use. When it is basically the same as putting a disposable on him I suspect it is simply an excuse.

Regarding bonding, I think that is a very valid point. During the same conversation he mentioned he loves coming home to me and our older son. I asked what about the younger guy and his response was that he is growing on him. I simply joked that that is good because we sure can't return him now.

I think ds2 feels somewhat the same: a couple of days ago he got annoyed with me for deciding to go to the bathroom rather than nurse him. Hubby came in and offered to pick him up but instead ds2 went to ds1 and hugged him rather than accept comforting from his dad. It was very cute to see my two little ones embracing but also sad in a way.

Sorry this post ended up being longer and more involved than I really intended.....

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#22 of 46 Old 07-09-2012, 12:33 AM
 
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I feel your pain. Mine literally does nothing... And I mean nothing. He can go days without holding the baby. HE can't even get his work clothes ready or make his own coffee anymore and taking care of my boyfriend who honestly is harder and more demanding than a 7 month old. We try to talk about it but he blames me for having such a difficult pregnancy that he needs to take a year off... (His exact words), we have talked about it. I doubt I will put up with it for much longer.

 

THe bonding is the biggest issue. My son loves his dad but its so sad to watch him signal to be picked up or smile and roll over to him just to be ignored or yelled at. My son is such a sweet boy already at 7 months I am afraid all of this rejection will change that.

 

Sorry this is not about me. Maybe I should make my own thread.

 

For him I would make more situations where he needs to spend time with the younger baby.

 

We have the cloth diaper thing too. Maybe buy a disposable diaper just to see if he will do it then to make a point.
 

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#23 of 46 Old 07-10-2012, 09:27 AM
 
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I would tell him, that seing it from his point of view, your job starts the second he leaves the house in the morning and ends the second he returns home after his working day. Who will take care of your kids and household before and after?

 

My DH is very understanding in this matter, he is very active at home, with kids and also in the household. We have two girls (4yo and 6yo). He usually says he is going to work to have a little rest.


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#24 of 46 Old 07-10-2012, 09:42 AM
 
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anne1140 - Yes, I believe he views playing with the kids as work although I've never asked him.

 

I think another part of the problem is that he has mostly seen mainstream parenting so he believes our lives would be easier if we left our children to CIO and just plopped them in front of the tv all day long. He has told me time and time again that I make my life harder by being the type of parent I am (AP).

 

Yeah, I think therapy is in order.

 

I think the fact that he views playing with kids as work, would bother me the most more than anything else you have mentioned. To me that is a huge red flag that his view of parenting is vastly different from what is acceptable to you. Counseling is a good idea, if he is open to it.

 

Have you ever shown him any research or books that discuss the impact of too much screen time on children? Would he be open to reading about that, as well as the benefits of AP?


 

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#25 of 46 Old 07-12-2012, 08:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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LLQ1011 - I used to keep disposables around but decided not to anymore since I felt it was a waste of money. We have plenty of cloth diapers that I invested money into - why throw money into the trash?
My hubby was less hands on when we only had one child and he was a baby. If I asked him to hold ds1 while I got ready for bed he would but he would sit on the couch and watch tv and DS cried. My brother came to visit and walked his nephew around our place while I made dinner so he would be happy. (My brother doesn't have kids of his own yet.)

Nyssaneala - Everytime I try to talk to him about research he shuts down. He doesn't feel research is a compelling reason to not use the electronic babysitter. He makes the excuse of "our son is crazy/has so much enery". He sees tv as the only way to get ds1 to sit and chill for a bit. He doesn't understand that all kids have lots of energy and that creative play is good for him.

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#26 of 46 Old 07-12-2012, 09:05 AM
 
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If he views things like changing diapers as work, then obviously he would have to agree that you're working all day long while he's at his job.  If you're both working all day, why should he expect you to keep working all evening when he doesn't have to?

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#27 of 46 Old 07-12-2012, 03:02 PM
 
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The only responses I can think of are unprintable. Yes, he has two jobs.

 

If you makes you feel any better, when DH was a (good) SAHD and worked outside the home, he went "off shift" the minute I walked in the door until I went back to work the next day. His argument, "I need time to myself to recharge."

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#28 of 46 Old 07-15-2012, 03:18 PM
 
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I was the stay at home wife. did the animals and the garden. Now with 2 month old. hubby does allot of housework. Cat liter he dumps after I scoop. Burns garbage. sweeps floor does dishes. Takes care of baby till she needs feeding. Breastfeeding so he can't. some of these I still do to. He just realized I wasn't going to have as much time as I did before for at lest sometime and pitched in. I was so impressed and glad. I was told by his Aunt that his dad did all childcare when he came home because his mom thought she should get a brake after all day. I thought and dad didnt need brake to. parenting is mom and dad. Hope your man learns to be a dad.


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#29 of 46 Old 07-16-2012, 08:16 AM
 
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I agree with some of the other posts I read, it is demeaning and certainly not ideal for him to put All the home responsibility On you. I also think to be fair it should somewhat depend on how many children u have, how demanding his job is and any other special circumstances u may have. I have been going to college ( mostly online until recently) since i found out I was Pregnant. We only have the one child and I've always done the lions share, constantly changing diapers ( cd) play baths and bed time. He works hard he's a stone mason but even still he doesn't do much outside of trash on Sundays the occasional diaper and the Maybe bi-monthly dishes and laundry. Im not going to say it hasn't put it's own strain on our relationship, it has but I'm more concerned with the lack of connection by dd and ds. It's to the point where she wants Me to do everything. She cries when he changes her or puts her to bed or bath, get the idea? So I would really encourage u to bring it up to him again, tell him it's not just for u but for his relationship to his child and try to work something out that u both can live with!
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#30 of 46 Old 07-19-2012, 01:04 PM
 
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Wow. Honestly, I'm grateful to be a solo mama after reading that. I may never get a break, but at least I don't have to deal with that baloney anymore... obviously, there was more going on than just that for me to end up doing this alone, but seriously??! Ugh, I'm so sorry mama. I truly hope therapy helps and he comes around to some form of sanity. You and your kids deserve a partner/parent that is more like the PPs have described.


Moo.

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