Did your SO change how they treat you once you started to stay at home? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 16 Old 07-14-2012, 12:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Mine has done a 180 from when I used to work. He literally comes home, tells me i am a bad mom in any way possible. (The way you nurse is giving him an ear infection. Your hair is too long it is going to choke him in his sleep) Then does nothing.... I MEAN NOTHING! He used to help me clean and do stuff for himself. Now he can't make his own coffee or get his work clothes ready. He has 0 interest in DS he holds him for maybe 10 minutes every other day or so. If i ask him to do anything he says no. Even if its to hold the fussy baby so I can go pee he will not do it. I have tried to talk to him about it and he tells me that because I got to lay down in  my pregnancy ( I was on bed rest having constant contractions for  7 months.) that he should be able to take a year and rest now. My mother came to the house and cleaned it twice a week. My brother came over and built all the baby furniture.  I was in the hospital for 4 of the 7 months. I don't understand what hes thinking or saying. We planned this baby. FOR A YEAR! The reason I get to stay home is because while on bedrest I got paid. I was paid until feb this year. He does not make enough money for his bills. THe money we have in our savings is from me I get to stay home because of this savings.  He has recently started freaking out about money. He asked me where a pair of cuticle clippers came from that i bought before we were together. Accusing me of buying them. I have budgeted us out until march 2013.... We are 3000 over that budget. He wont listen to me, he doesn't help me.

 

Where did my loving man go? The one who cried tears of joy when I found out I was pregnant. The one who was with me when we lost babies. The man who save my life. Who used to cook for me. Who would clean to make my day better when I got home from work? The one who filled out my 100 question multiple choice test of whether or not we were ready to try again? The one who loved my family? Who begged me to move 2000 miles to be with him for two years. The one who called me every night? Emailed me every day? The one who asked to babysit for my friend so he could get a feeling for what babies are like? The one who bought me a breast pump so he could let me sleep.

 

My sister says I am just cooped up all day so I see him in a bad light. But facts are facts. Its so sad watching my son light up when his dad is home only to be ignored. Not only that he is ignored by his dad but now I have to wait on him hand and foot and don't spend time with the baby as much either. I feel like a slave. He walked in today, (Today I focused on the bathroom and bedroom for cleaning) and kicks some toys complaining the house is messy. Then I have to wash the toys because his boots are dirty and the baby can't play with those toys now. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND YELL AND PACK MY BABY UP SO WE CAN HAVE SOME POSITIVE ATMOSPHERE! I dread him coming home from work and I can't wait for him to leave in the morning. I guess this turned into more of a rant. Sorry.

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#2 of 16 Old 07-14-2012, 07:28 AM
 
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I'm so sorry mama! My problem is more of the opposite in me not babying hubby now that I have real babies to care for... hey is that maybe what's going on? Are there things yiu did before that you don't now? Maybe he doesn't feel special or loved anymore? I know mine likes when I take care of him and can get moody about things since he knows I have done them before.. idk that's the only thought I have so far. Maybe babying him some would help and he'll go back to his old sweet self.

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#3 of 16 Old 07-14-2012, 08:14 AM
 
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A baby definitely changes a relationship dynamic and it can be a difficult adjustment. But I'm sorry, OP, your SO sounds like he's just being a jerk. Since it seems like this is a major personality change for him, I would ask him to go into therapy. Couples therapy isn't a bad idea, either. He seems anxious, disconnected, and downright mean. Have you tried to talk to him about his behavior (preferably in a non-accusatory way) and what does he have to say for himself? Does he realize what he's doing? 


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#4 of 16 Old 07-14-2012, 08:22 AM
 
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Im sorry you are going through this right now, but i have to say something not very nice.  Any man who compares time spent in the hospital as a vacation - as 'laying down'  is being an immature jackass.  You mentioned you had lost babies prior to this pregnancy, that for this pregnancy you spent at least half of it in the hospital?  Im sure you were scared out of your mind for the well being of that child - why wasnt he?  And now that you can look at this child, and hes here and OK - ill bet youre overcome with emotion and gratitude that you have him in your arms.  Why isnt he? 

His behavior reminds me of my XDH - who was an immature jackass - who referred to our daughter as 'your baby' , although we both worked full time never once cooked a meal, shopped for groceries, watched the baby, bathed or fed the baby, mowed the lawn, arranged for cars to get their oil changes, paid a bill, etc..etc...etc...

i was so scared to do it, but, after living with that man,  being a single parent wasnt difficult at all!

Sorry if i was harsh - all the best to you.

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#5 of 16 Old 07-14-2012, 08:52 AM
 
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OP, I just want to give you a hug, or several hugs. I also just want to come over to your house and snuggle your little baby so you can take a nap.

 

I wouldn't know what to do, either. Why is he being so awful? It hurts to think about this.

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#6 of 16 Old 07-14-2012, 12:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by motherhendoula View Post

Im sorry you are going through this right now, but i have to say something not very nice.  Any man who compares time spent in the hospital as a vacation - as 'laying down'  is being an immature jackass.  You mentioned you had lost babies prior to this pregnancy, that for this pregnancy you spent at least half of it in the hospital?  Im sure you were scared out of your mind for the well being of that child - why wasnt he?  And now that you can look at this child, and hes here and OK - ill bet youre overcome with emotion and gratitude that you have him in your arms.  Why isnt he? 

His behavior reminds me of my XDH - who was an immature jackass - who referred to our daughter as 'your baby' , although we both worked full time never once cooked a meal, shopped for groceries, watched the baby, bathed or fed the baby, mowed the lawn, arranged for cars to get their oil changes, paid a bill, etc..etc...etc...

i was so scared to do it, but, after living with that man,  being a single parent wasnt difficult at all!

Sorry if i was harsh - all the best to you.

Not harsh its very true. At the time it was more his idea than the doctors until my cervix shortened then the doctors were all about bedrest. He was so supportive and amazing throughout my pregnnacy and losses. He slept every single night of those four months in the hospital with me on those bed chairs. He spent all the time he could with me in there. Its seriously a total change. Its shocking for me. I have a hard time approaching him because this is just not the man I knew for 7 years before this. When our son had jaundice and had to go back to the nicu at 3 days old it had already happened. Can having a baby change him that fast? 3 days? HE would not help me at all those 5 days in the hospital. I had just had a baby and second degree tears but he would not help me feed him. He would not go with me to feed him. He would not do anything. I made him go feed him once (I was pumping) when i went to the next feeding the nurse told me she fed him. That his dad never came to feed him. I don't know where he went. I asked him to help me get there in a wheelchair at one super exhausted, bleeding, painful moment and he refused. That was the begining of my "no"'s that I hear all the time now.  I feel like I got tricked. LIke he was pretending to want kids and a relationship only to be just kidding. I just feel like 1 day at home with the baby ( 2 days in the hospital after birth) could not have imprinted him so negativly.

 

Now this morning baby did wake up at 4 am and he did take him to the living room for 2 hours to play so I could sleep. Awesome! but he came and woke me up at 6 am because he needed me to do some stuff for his meeting at work today.  I used to work for the same company so I know all about it. So I spent the next two hours doing that for him. He obviously watched the baby because he knew I would refuse to help him if he didn't do something. And its a lot easier to set the baby on the floor with toys then do the dishes.

 

I have talked to him about it... It somehow becomes a "You are a bad mom." conversation. Where he lists all of the things I do that cause my baby grief and issues.

 

Breast feeding gives him ear infection, i need to let him cry for  a few hours so i can sleep because hes not going to die in his crib but If i am tired I might make a mistake, My letting him sleep by me is going to cause sids, my hair is going to choke him, my coddeling him is going to make him a monster, my cloth diapers are giving him rashes, hes in the bath too long, he wont eat food because i don't want to give him jar food, taking him outside gives him ear infections from the wind ( he has only had a mild one and another hes obsessed), I cant let him play on the floor because its dirty, (My floors are NOT dirty they are clean), I can't take him on the balcony because I might drop him over the rail, I can't drive anywhere with him because I might get into an accident.

 

I have noticed that it is worse when his work is more stressful. BUT I used to work his job. His stress is all cause by him. I also noticed about a month before my son was born he was texting a girl from work wayyyyyyyy too much. We argued and argued about it. She finally went to a new location so I figured she wounld leave us alone now ( I went through his messeges to her they were pretty work related)  but nope. Yesterday he was texting her and I hear her phone ring tone at least every other day. Is this the issue maybe? That he did want to have a family with me but then she showed up? Now he feels stuck with us?? Sigh. So lame. Especially sind she is a 45 yearol woman with 5 kids and a husband... Just too too weird.

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#7 of 16 Old 07-14-2012, 12:50 PM
 
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I don't think that he could change that much that fast from the baby. And the girl would concern me but you said alk the texts seem to be work related so I'd just try to let that go for now at least. I hate that he's being such an ass but it sounds like its all baby related and he's extremely stressed something bad is going to happen to the baby. Could u maybe talk to him about his parenting preferences and see if that helps? Maybe he'd feel better if he felt more sure the baby was being taken good care of. Maybe some info on cloth diapering, breastfeeding, and such will make him feel better or a compromise ... if he doesn't like cloth diapers some natural disposables, if the breastfeeding concerns him some articles on its benefits or feeding pumped milk in a bottle, if the cosleeping is an issue a bedside sleeper for baby or just a bassinet or crib jn your room. How old is baby? Could u maybe start feeding sone organic jarred food to make dad happy? I'm not in anyway trying to defend your so but it sounds to me like he was great until baby was here maybe after all the struggles to have baby he's desperately concerned about his safety and tge not spending time with baby could be trying to keep himself from getting too attached for fear of something happening.

Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD plus and spending my days
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#8 of 16 Old 07-14-2012, 01:07 PM
 
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IMO, no matter how frustrated he is, there's no excuse for the way he's treating you. Criticizing you constantly, refusing to help for even a few minutes with a child that you created together, and comparing a physical disability to an extended vacation? Not. Cool. I agree with the recommendation to get into counseling; if he won't go, go by yourself, and give some serious thought to whether you want to spend any more time with somebody who treats you like you don't matter.

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#9 of 16 Old 07-15-2012, 04:06 PM
 
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I hate to say it, but he sounds like my husband!

I discussed this with my 16 year old son, who convinced me to leave my husband. My son and I both agree that the best approach is for you to find a male who is older than your husband to be a father figure for him. He (your husband) is more likely to things for someone outside the marriage than you. A therapist might work. Realistically, you would need to remain in therapy indefinately. As soon as there is no more audience watching him, he will go back to the abusive behavior you are currently receiving. A male therapist would probably work best. Be POSITIVE the therapist is going to support you before taking your husband.

If you have supportive family, you may want to separate from him.
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#10 of 16 Old 07-15-2012, 06:24 PM
 
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Is it possible that he has an anxiety disorder? It sounds like many of the things you've mentioned has to do with him over-worrying about the health and safety of the baby. And because you are the primary caretaker, it comes across as being critical of you. If it were my husband, I would insist that he see a therapist and figure out why this sudden personality change has happened and devise a plan of action to deal with it.

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#11 of 16 Old 07-15-2012, 07:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Is it possible that he has an anxiety disorder? It sounds like many of the things you've mentioned has to do with him over-worrying about the health and safety of the baby. And because you are the primary caretaker, it comes across as being critical of you. If it were my husband, I would insist that he see a therapist and figure out why this sudden personality change has happened and devise a plan of action to deal with it.

I have considered this. We lost two babies before our son at around 18 weeks. I went through labor and birth and we held and loved them before we had them cremated. This has occured to me as a reason why he A. will not hold, play or really interat with our son and B. is very critical of everything I do with him. THough over and over again we have told eachother  its not our fault there have been a few conversations where he blames me for working so much, and him self for asking me to do things like climb over the dryer and help him up when his back was out. Maybe he will be more receptive to counselling if I maybe bring up that I would want him to go with me. Still doesn't explain why he can't get his clothes ready for work or make coffee. But I could see where what we have been through could cause that.

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#12 of 16 Old 07-15-2012, 08:44 PM
 
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Sorry, but the red flags are there!

She can't take the baby anywhere because she might get in an accident?!? A rational person tries to put the reasonable spin on it that, but it is controlling.
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#13 of 16 Old 07-17-2012, 05:33 AM
 
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I didn't mean to kill this thread! Please, carry on!
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#14 of 16 Old 08-14-2012, 05:02 PM
 
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I never share personal big time stuff but here is the cliff notes... I was a special ed teacher for 6 years, parenting our 2 daughters with mild special needs, had a full time Nanny and was a grad student.   My husband was a thing to me.. something else to be managed.  We had huge HUGE HUGE problems on both of our sides... and I  ended up losing my job and was forced into staying at home (teaching jobs few and far between where I am ) and slowly as I was home  .. I found my husband again.  We found each other again.

 

I love my husband again.  I see him.  I take care of him.. like I pack his lunch and make him scrambled eggs for breakfast a few times a week.   I tend to listen to him more and remember what he says.   SOme of the "big issues" or "red flags" still exist...like I get next to _no_ help at home and it is rare I can run to the grocery store when he gets home from work or run errands.. (I do all of that at 5 am before he goes to work when the kids are asleep) but it works for us.  It really works.  We ended up hiring a Nanny for 6-8 hours a week (2 mornings a week for 3-4 hours) and have someone come for 2 -3 hours 1x a month to help with the heavy cleaning.. so I no longer hate him (strong words but my goodness it was bad for a long time).    He actually seems to appreciate me these days and says "thank you" from time to time or passes a "good job" along.

 

Our finances are a total mess because I was the primary breadwinner but my family has never been happier or more peaceful.  I think I am really struggling with being lonely.. I don't feel good about being a SAHM but my family is extremely connected and beautiful as a result.

 

For me/us - staying at home, getting a small amount of help/support for me.. saved our family.


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#15 of 16 Old 08-14-2012, 08:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I never share personal big time stuff but here is the cliff notes... I was a special ed teacher for 6 years, parenting our 2 daughters with mild special needs, had a full time Nanny and was a grad student.   My husband was a thing to me.. something else to be managed.  We had huge HUGE HUGE problems on both of our sides... and I  ended up losing my job and was forced into staying at home (teaching jobs few and far between where I am ) and slowly as I was home  .. I found my husband again.  We found each other again.

 

I love my husband again.  I see him.  I take care of him.. like I pack his lunch and make him scrambled eggs for breakfast a few times a week.   I tend to listen to him more and remember what he says.   SOme of the "big issues" or "red flags" still exist...like I get next to _no_ help at home and it is rare I can run to the grocery store when he gets home from work or run errands.. (I do all of that at 5 am before he goes to work when the kids are asleep) but it works for us.  It really works.  We ended up hiring a Nanny for 6-8 hours a week (2 mornings a week for 3-4 hours) and have someone come for 2 -3 hours 1x a month to help with the heavy cleaning.. so I no longer hate him (strong words but my goodness it was bad for a long time).    He actually seems to appreciate me these days and says "thank you" from time to time or passes a "good job" along.

 

Our finances are a total mess because I was the primary breadwinner but my family has never been happier or more peaceful.  I think I am really struggling with being lonely.. I don't feel good about being a SAHM but my family is extremely connected and beautiful as a result.

 

For me/us - staying at home, getting a small amount of help/support for me.. saved our family.

 I think this is what I need. Now to find the finances to make it happen.

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#16 of 16 Old 08-15-2012, 02:24 PM
 
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 I think this is what I need. Now to find the finances to make it happen.

 

I think a few things..

 

Finding the right person who wont charge you a fortune and recognizes you need help.. for the longest time I paid 20.00 for 3 hours - once or twice a week.. I could make it work.  Making hubbies breakfast and lunch instead of him stopping helped, giving up hair cuts, thrifting the kids clothes, using coupons, etc  I have asked my Mom for help occasionally too because for me.. it helps ward off the depression.  I am not saying we are perfect.. because we are not or we are this put together family now I am home but I have stopped googling how to get a divorce..


Former Special Ed Teacher  now SAHM mamma to 2 girls autismribbon.gif(4/06) and thumbsuck.gif (5/08) EBF via donor milk. Wife DH : Fur mamma to 2 pugs and 1 grey kitty - its a zoo around here!  pos.gif Feb 2013..Will you help feed our new blessing?winner.jpg

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