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#1 of 37 Old 10-01-2012, 10:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OK- this is basically a mommy rant, so bear with me. I want to know what I am doing wrong! I wear my baby (13 months) and always have. She breastfeeds on demand, we co-sleep, we do organic foods, I try to be patient, loving, receptive, etc.... and yet my baby cries. A LOT. In the car. In her highchair. On the floor when I have to put her down for just long enough for me to have 1 little bathroom break that doesn't include her. When I hand her to her dad/ grandmother/ friend/ anybody who isn't me. She even cries sometimes when I'm wearing her. And don't even get me started on diaper changes. It can be so harrowing day in and day out. And of course I feel like everybody else has a better handle on everything than I do, and that there must surely be some secret that nobody is letting me in on. People seem unable to comprehend that I have the one and only baby who doesn't fall asleep in the car! Actually, I have a 4 year old who also cried in the car, so, I have the only 2 babies who cry in the car. I must be a complete failure. I would never ever let my baby "cry it out", but, she sure as shit does anyway, so what am I to do?????

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#2 of 37 Old 10-01-2012, 06:36 PM
 
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PLEASE google "high needs" and dr. sears....that should give you some relief about yourself. my #3 was the same way! i also had 2 car-screamers...my youngest is almost 1 and to this day cries hysterically in the car...i mean to the point of gagging...tried different seats, she has 3 big sisters to play with her, toys, i don't get out much!!

you really need to read about high-needs babies. i know it sucks but it did help me realize it wasn't my fault.


drowning in hormones with 4 daughters and an understanding, loving hubby. also some dogs. my life is crazy and we are always learning.

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#3 of 37 Old 10-01-2012, 06:38 PM
 
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oh, and i'll never understand wth people need to act so shocked with huge eyes that babies exist who won't sleep in the car!


drowning in hormones with 4 daughters and an understanding, loving hubby. also some dogs. my life is crazy and we are always learning.

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#4 of 37 Old 10-01-2012, 07:07 PM
 
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My son didn't (and doesn't ) sleep in the car unless ill. And he cried for everyone not me (except for one woman I knew casually). You may feel alone, but all the other mothers with high need babies that don't sleep in the car are as busy as you, and you're not likely to meet them until the high need babies are older. In the good news side, high need babies seem to be easier in the teen years (based on those I know). So you're dealing with stress now, and they'll deal with stress later. Even if it's not accurate, it might make you feel better.
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#5 of 37 Old 10-01-2012, 07:16 PM
 
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One of mine was like that. There's always the possibility of some physical discomfort, like teething or something, but some babies just cry a lot. At some point I changed my perspective on it, and decided that even if I couldn't keep my baby from crying, at least I could hold her and comfort her while she cried.

Mine who cried all the time is moody and a bit temperamental, but she is overall a joyful and lovely 10-year-old now. She is also very very chatty. I wonder if she just didn't have a more effective way to communicate back then? She doesn't seem at all affected by her difficult first couple of years anyway.
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#6 of 37 Old 10-01-2012, 07:42 PM
 
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I always thought it was something I did, oh heck, back in dd1's first week or whatever , that made her as needy as she was (and still can be at 7.5).  It was bad enough having her cry so much, then have 2 kids that cried so much, but then I got comments from people (family!) saying it was because I wasn't sharing her enough, because I didn't teach her to accept a babysitter, because I set the precedent for not putting her down, because I refused to let her cry it out because because because.....

 

It is not what you are doing or not doing.  It is the way she is.  *It is not your job to stop her from crying*.  I think was a piece of advice from Dr. Sears.  It is your job to make her feel safe, to have her needs met, while she is crying.  But man is it ever stressful to listen to it without a break.  

 

I would love to say "it gets better" (it does, a bit), but what I don't want is to encourage you to yearn for that day.  Know it is out there but focus on the now.  If I spend mental energy living, waiting for the that day it increases my stress and causes me to lose focus, like waiting for the school bell at the end of the day.  Once I accept that this is how it is, I'm a bit calmer.  And I do have to remind myself often.  

 

I am still dealing with neediness and so much of the same stuff as after those first 2 weeks.  But she has stretches of such maturity, and this is increasing.

 

BTW, in my dd's case some of the *volatility* of her emotions ended up being allergy related.  Her neediness and moodiness can still put a strain on my day(s), but she is no longer a ticking, teary-eyed time-bomb any more.  

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#7 of 37 Old 10-01-2012, 08:00 PM
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I have 2 very high need kids who cried and screamed to the point of vomiting as babies.  We called the car seat "the infant torture device."  My older child turned out to be crying due to autism.  Attachment parenting was important for him, because it meant that he never had the opportunity to withdraw completely into himself - he learned how to communicate with me to have his needs met.  He has an anxious, affectionate personality.  My younger child was crying because of allergies, reflux and extreme sensitivity - he was noticing everything, and it was too much for him.  He is a gifted learner and he has an intense, intellectual personality.

 

My point is that there is a reason for the crying, and it will become apparent with time.  Attachment is your best bet to mitigate the crying.  But you should also have a plan for respite.

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#8 of 37 Old 10-02-2012, 08:21 AM
 
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I forgot to mention that dd1 was comfortable with her grandma and 2 aunts by 1yo.  She warmed up slowly to all other family events--sometimes 2 hours of more of whining right before becoming the life of the party--from about 1.5 onward.  At 4 she dove right into family gatherings, finally, but was still growly and unsociable at parks.  At 5.5 she was approaching kids, asking to play.  

 

She and her sister both have bubbly public personalities, talking over each other excitedly about their recents discoveries.  She is still moody and needy at home, though not all the time.  She had 2 tantrums in the last 2 days, and she has extreme difficulties letting go of something that frustrated her.  I had to remind her not to "bring the boys home from the park in her head" when she had a grumpy day and refused to have fun at a park because the boys were "spoiling" it.


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#9 of 37 Old 10-03-2012, 01:26 PM
 
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Regarding the carseat, that always surprised people for us also. But what baby would prefer to be alone, harnessed into a plastic seat instead of nuzzled up to mother's warm body? or what baby simply wants to be alone in an innanimate object instead of loving arms? It would mean a baby's demise from an evolutionary stand point.

 

OP, it seems your baby is beautifully bonded to you, and she doesn't feel right when she is not with you. It seems totally healthy to me. You are the one who fulfills her needs, a mother's body is the infant's world and that tie is strong, as it should be. She feels vulnerable when not with you, again, instinctive and natural.

 

We live in a culture that actually encourages separation of mother and child. It's unnatural, completely uninstinctive, and our child rearing practices are not exactly prized among cultures. It starts at birth when baby is whisked away from mother in a plastic tank (isolette) then it just gets worse, women being told to ignore their child's cries of abandonment, encouraged to quit breastfeeding, told to hold their babies less instead of more.....how could a culture have become so backwards, it wasn't always this way.

 

My son didn't go to most people early on, they would stretch their arms out and I would guage my son's response. If he wasn't interested I quickly learned that I didn't let him out of my arms. What baffled me was the sheer lack of consideration for an infant's feelings, it seemed the adult doing the grabbing was often more worried about his or her own fragile ego from the rejection than the child's own feelings. Again we live in a culture that does not encourage accomodating a child's needs, especially security.

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#10 of 37 Old 10-04-2012, 07:42 AM
 
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I feel your pain! All of my kids have been the same as your dd in varying degrees. The 3rd has been the worst. Not a single one has liked the car as a baby. You think I'd learn my lesson and stop having them.

Fwiw, they have thus far, turned into incredibly bright articulate (though somewhat bossy and self-centred) children. The eldest being more so than the middle child, which corresponds to their baby ways too. At this rate my third is going to be an evil genius, you know, like Stewie.
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#11 of 37 Old 10-04-2012, 07:55 AM
 
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I have parented both of my children very similarly. Ds was the easiest baby ever. He'd happily play on the floor for hours, or happily be in the sling, or someone else's arms, or, well, anywhere. Just a happy baby. Dd has spent SO much time crying. I hold her & carry her way more than I did ds simply because I've needed to & yet she still cries waaaaaaay more than he ever did.

 

It is NOT something you've done wrong. Some babies are just harder than others. It's not a lot of fun though.


Surviving sleep deprivation one day at a time with dd (Oct '11) & ds (Oct '08).

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#12 of 37 Old 10-04-2012, 06:44 PM
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Sometimes babies who don't cry are like that because they've given up on getting their needs met.   It's learned helplessness.   So I know it's hard to hear this when you're in the thick of it, but be glad your baby is still willing to express her needs through crying.  


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#13 of 37 Old 10-04-2012, 11:34 PM
 
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What lifeguard said. Babies are wildly different in their nature, from BIRTH. I did all that hippy stuff too and raised all four of my kids the same. And they are all different from birth, except for the identical twins, who are raised exactly the same as their fraternal triplet sister, and the ids act exactly the same and the fraternal acts completely different. I had a tough first baby. The fraternal triplet loves to play on her own, loves to snuggle, loves her OWN bed, when I put her down to sleep, she smiles at me, closes her eyes, and falls asleep within ONE MINUTE. If she had been my first baby, I would have been totally patting myself on the back and saying "see? We're doing everything right!!!" Now, with four kids, I know that kids are who they are and we can only do our best to make them feel loved and secure. You're doing an amazing job, Changingwoman, and just know that a high-needs baby doesn't mean she's going to continue to be a high-needs kid. She'll just turn a leaf someday, and all your hard work will pay off. I've seen the grumpiest babies turn out to be the shiniest, happiest little kids...

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#14 of 37 Old 10-05-2012, 01:33 AM
 
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birth trauma?  was the bırth traumatıc.  I thınk the causes a lot of hıgh needs babıes.  ı have one rıght now (21 months)  Id love to say ıts gotten better... maybe ıt has... but ım stıll mıserable :/  my daughter was an ANGEL!  but her bırth was much calmer (even though ıt was an unnecessary sectıon).  And even though she wasnt BFd (dıdnt know any better).  But my son I swear I dıd EVERYTHING rıght.  homebırth EBF BLW co-sleepıng wearıng we fınally took hım to cranıal sacral therapy for a whıle and ıt helped hım be able to rıde ınt he car (for a lıttle whıle) but ı stıll have to pull over and nurse hım about every 15-20 mınutes of he wıll SCREAM LIKE CRAZY.  ıf he had been fırst he would have been last.  but ı know there are less hıgh need kıds out there so were wılılng to try for #3.  

Dıd I mentıon he stıll nurses every hour? yeah... hıgh needs.  I was depressed for a year wıth hım.  at 12 months ıt got a lot better for me emotıonally... but hes stıll ON ME all day long and only leaves for brıef perıods to play wıth hıs sıster... then back for nursıng.  sooo annoyıng.

 

Lots of hugs to you.  Totally been there.  thıs ıs a classıc case of ıts really not you, ıts them!  you could do everythıng rıght and LO would stıll probably be lıke saran wrap on you.


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#15 of 37 Old 10-05-2012, 09:01 AM
 
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I don't know. My high needs baby who cried all the time had an easy perfect natural birth. My baby with the traumatic birth was easy from day 1 to now. I think it can be something physical, but it can also be personality. My high needs crying baby turned into a moody and temperamental, but also very creative and intelligent, talkative and loud 10-year-old. Knowing her now, I would have been surprised if she'd been a quiet baby. My quiet baby is now a perpetually happy preschooler. She's always pretty content. They're just different people.
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#16 of 37 Old 10-05-2012, 10:50 AM
 
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Please- get yourself a couple of pairs of ear protection from lowe's or home depot or something. Wear then when you are comforting her. Give them to daddy, grandma, whoever is willing, and they can comfort her while you shower, take a walk, etc. These can be a sanity-saver!!

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_9?url=search-alias%3Dtools&field-keywords=ear%20protection
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#17 of 37 Old 10-05-2012, 12:05 PM
 
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I am in the same boat as you OP with a 5 month old high-needs baby. I wish we lived near by so we could commiserate! wink1.gif I, too, wondered constantly what I was doing wrong, especially since since everyone around me (mostly family) acts like its my fault that my DD won't go to other people, hates the car, hates leaving the house period, hates being put down even for a second, and can't sleep unless she's in my or dh's arms, ect. I just wanted to tell you you're not alone, like all the other posters have been saying. (Btw reading what you and everyone else wrote has given me a lot of encouragement! Thank you!)

The best thing that has helped dh and me was reading this link from Dr. Sears. It has completely changed our perspective on DD and definitely gave me a lot of peace that I'm not to blame or doing things wrong... which is honestly the hardest part for me and sounds like it is for you too. With DD crying in my arms sometimes for 2 hours nonstop, I start crying bc obviously all we want to do is help our babies and help them be content and satisfied and when we can't "find the solution" so to speak, we feel like we've failed. Well for high-needs baby sometimes there just isn't a solution. Also, its so difficult for me bc while she is crying, the mommy response and stress levels are so high and are staying maintained at that intense level for extended periods of time that I start to go a little crazy. But reading this link, I've realized that sometimes (when all her needs are met) and I've exhausted every calming technique and device I know and she's still crying, I can just be with her through it. You know, like how a good friend lets you cry on her shoulder. I just keep whispering that I love her as I hold her in my arms and let her express herself. Anyway, hugs to you from a mama on the west coast and know that all the love you're investing in your little one is going to bear great fruit for our world. Dh and I always say to each other, this is progressing world peace! smile.gif

Link:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby
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#18 of 37 Old 10-05-2012, 12:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

One of mine was like that. There's always the possibility of some physical discomfort, like teething or something, but some babies just cry a lot. At some point I changed my perspective on it, and decided that even if I couldn't keep my baby from crying, at least I could hold her and comfort her while she cried.
Mine who cried all the time is moody and a bit temperamental, but she is overall a joyful and lovely 10-year-old now. She is also very very chatty. I wonder if she just didn't have a more effective way to communicate back then? She doesn't seem at all affected by her difficult first couple of years anyway.


This is like my son. I swear all of his frustration is from not being able to communicate with me. He will even sigh like he is getting annoyed trying to get me to do what he wants.

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#19 of 37 Old 10-06-2012, 06:54 AM
 
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Just chiming in to say that your experience sounds almost exactly like mine. From day 1, my DS (now 2) needed to be nursed or held BY ME to be content. I couldn't pass him off to his dad or my my mom for longer than a few minutes or else he'd lose it. He hated the car.....to the point of screaming so hard he turned blue. Errands were hell. I learned to pull my pants down and button them with one hand because otherwise pee breaks involved lots of screaming. When visiting my inlaws, my father in law even suggested we call a priest for a "cleansing" because he thought demons could really be the only explanation for his grandson's temper. 

 

But it slowly got better! 18 months was probably the roughest for me. DS was right on the verge of talking and out of his mind with frustration (I didn't realize this at the time---I just thought he was trying to push me over the edge :)  At 2.5, DS is now talkative, super active and energetic, funny, bright.....and very strong willed! 

 

It will get easier mama! Hang in there, check out Dr. Sears like others have suggested, and remember that you are doing an awesome job mothering your high needs babe. Some just come into the world needing more than others. 


~may all beings be free from suffering~
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#20 of 37 Old 10-06-2012, 07:18 AM
 
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My son didn't (and doesn't ) sleep in the car unless ill. And he cried for everyone not me (except for one woman I knew casually). You may feel alone, but all the other mothers with high need babies that don't sleep in the car are as busy as you, and you're not likely to meet them until the high need babies are older. In the good news side, high need babies seem to be easier in the teen years (based on those I know). So you're dealing with stress now, and they'll deal with stress later. Even if it's not accurate, it might make you feel better.

 

This - yes, please do look up high needs babies.  Will make you feel so much better!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emaya View Post

 If she had been my first baby, I would have been totally patting myself on the back and saying "see? We're doing everything right!!!" Now, with four kids, I know that kids are who they are and we can only do our best to make them feel loved and secure. You're doing an amazing job, Changingwoman, and just know that a high-needs baby doesn't mean she's going to continue to be a high-needs kid. She'll just turn a leaf someday, and all your hard work will pay off. I've seen the grumpiest babies turn out to be the shiniest, happiest little kids...

 

And this, too.  My firstborn was easy peasy..I mean, he cried a little when he was very tiny, but once he hit about 3 months, until 18 months it was like easy street.  And I thought I was THE SHIZNIT.  Then my daughter was born when he was 2-1/2 and it was like shock and awe, exactly as you describe in your original post.  Where my firstborn was happy on a blanket for an hour with some toys from very early on, I couldn't put her down for more than about 30 seconds without an air-raid siren wail.  Where the firstborn was content on car trips, she screamed every time in the car until she was a year old.  My husband couldn't even hold her for more than a few minutes without her starting to wail until she was over 6 months old.  I wore her almost constantly until she was a year old (and then for at least a few hours a day until she was about 18 months) - she napped on me, she was on me when we were out and about, and she was on me for a good 4-6 hours a day otherwise, too (I'll never forget the day when she was about 17, 18 months old and finally got tired of the carrier and was walking on the sidewalk with me and older kiddo, and our neighbors saw us and said, "OMG so THAT'S what she looks like!  We've only ever seen her head  and feet peeking out from behind your back! ROTFLMAO.gif - they were awesome people and meant it in a nice/fun way).  My ONLY salvation was that once she was asleep for the night I could put her in a crib and get 3-4 hours to recharge before she woke up the first time and we'd cosleep the rest of the night.  Had she been my first, I would have thought the human race was INSANE for reproducing, and that I was the worst mother in the world.   

 

As a toddler, she was grouchy. She would scowl and holler at strangers just trying to be nice and smile at the cute little girl; she would throw enormous fits when things didn't go her way.  Through it all I mostly maintained the same firm, but gentle discipline (though I will admit to losing it sometimes; I am human after all).  

 

And now?  She is a delightful, feisty 6-year-old.  Oh, she still has a temper, but for the most part she is a funny, friendly, upbeat little girl who has NO problem separating from me.  At parent teacher conferences, I always enjoy telling stories about the kind of baby/toddler/even into early preschooler  she was, because the teachers cannot believe it.   She really gave us the business when she was little.  lol.

 

When I was in the thick of it, I thought it would be a nightmare forever (that she'd never separate from me, or that the lessons I was trying to teach her weren't sinking in) ....but in the end, after a lot of persistence, and forgiveness for myself when I would falter, AP has TOTALLY panned out and "worked" for her.  She's not clingy, she's not spoiled.  She's the one that teachers say lights up the class.  And it makes it all worth the extremely difficult work (and still work, don't get me wrong, parenting a child like this requires work through all their stages). 

 

Hang in there, mama!!!!

 

 

PS - for me, 18 months was when things started getting incrementally better as far as leaving her with husband for a couple hours, being in a different room than her briefly, her napping on her own (though I rocked her to sleep still).  Things REALLY got better around 3.  And have been getting better every year since.  Well, 4 was a challenge.  and part of 5.  But I like 6!   She's *not* easygoing, or calm, by any means and still has a fiery temper.  But it's SO much easier relating to her and talking with her now than even a year ago.


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#21 of 37 Old 10-06-2012, 09:01 AM
 
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I have a super intense baby too.  She's 13 months old now and getting a LOT better, but you can ask my DH and all other relatives about how I didn't drive alone with her for months because she would scream her head off the minute she hit the car seat.  But yesterday we drove 30 minutes each way to pick up a jogging stroller!  And she's a lot more attached and involved than my friends' less high-needs babies, though they are also attachment-parented.  It's hard to take the clinginess and crying sometimes, and man, I'd kill for 30 minutes to myself sometimes, but my DH and I agree that we'd much rather have our DD (who really cares what we think and say and do) rather than an "easy" baby who's not really that interested.

 

Good luck and please don't feel bad when your baby cries!  You can't really control whether your baby cries or not--some babies are just sensitive to stuff and cry a lot.  You can only control what you do about it.    You are always there for your baby, you're not doing the cry-it-out thing, so you are a GREAT mother!
 

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#22 of 37 Old 10-06-2012, 05:40 PM
 
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My daughter is my light. But she was a high-needs baby and spirited toddler. She screamed all the time. And she was LOUD. She knew exactly what she wanted, and she would FREAK OUT if she didn't get it. Still does, at 3.5. No one could put her to sleep but Mama. Still can't. She still cries her little self to sleep if I'm not there. It's heartbreaking. She hated the car, she hated the stroller, and after 16 months, she hated the carrier. As a toddler, she regularly had 2 - 3 hour tantrums. 

 

I could go on. 

 

She did have digestive issues as a baby, but the screaming continued despite this. Just not as much. So I don't believe the high-needs behaviour was caused by her digestive issues - she really is just strong-willed, and perfectly aware of where her power is. And rightly so. I also had severe PPD, so her will and her noise kept me from drifting away from her. She needed me, and I needed her. Attachment parenting her saved us both -- she wouldn't have stood for it any other way. You can't sleep train high-needs babies, they just scream louder, or puke more, or pass out. 

 

Raising Your Spirited Child was very important for me. 

 

And also, having my second child. He is a chill, happy baby, with similar digestive issues as DD. He is my healing baby, because he made me realize something very important: That my daughter's screaming wasn't my fault. It wasn't me. I did everything the same with my son. Everything. And he is just a different person than my daughter. She is just her own person. 

 

IT'S NOT YOU. 

 

She is a lively, bright, chatty three year old now. She will play on her own, sleep in her own bed, and potty-training was a breeze (because we made her believe it was her own idea). She has the vocabulary of a 6-year-old. She is extremely social, will hop on any adults lap and demand to be read a story, will make friends with any child, any age, any where. She has a vivid imagination. She is fiery and passionate, and yes, does still scream from time to time. But it's becoming rarer and rarer, partly as she matures, and partly as I have learned what helps head of the crazy before it happens. 

 

1. Keep her from getting hungry. (She is often too busy to want to eat)

2. Help her to get enough sleep (she gave up naps at 18 months, but having a really good bedtime routine helps)

3. Have a predictable routine to help with sticky activities. (Dressing was torture, but when we had a decent routine, it became better.)

4. Keep her busy! (Boredom was the enemy for a long time)

5. Fill her cup (As in, spend lots of time with her. She has a HUGE cup. Mostly this meant giving up on some things, like housework. Don't give up Mama-time.)

 

And like lots of people, things got so much better when she started talking in earnest and we could communicate about a lot of things. Because she is bright she GETS it that she has to brush her teeth because otherwise she'll get cavities. Talking in earnest means when she can communicate abstract thoughts, and project ideas. When they start to develop their imagination. For DD this was 22 months, but for lots of kids it's somewhere between 2 and 3.

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Crafty, play-at-home mama to spirited 4 yo DD and zany 1 yo DS, living in an ecovillage in beautiful British Columbia. 
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#23 of 37 Old 10-08-2012, 05:57 AM
 
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i do not drive more than a few minutes away alone, even now with a 1 year old! (well, her birthday is tomorrow! so she'll be 1 tomorrow lol) it has been a very lonely year :( I have to play Mahna Mahna(the muppet version) on the mp3 player in the car, it helps keep her happy for long enough to pick up the other kids from school. She is not high-needs though! My last baby before this one was high needs. with my third child we had to sing constantly in the car. The Ants Go Marching, Hush(by Afroman...found out by mistake she loved that song), You Are My Sunshine(though there was no sunshine for me during that time)

 

I have to admit, I keep seeing moms saying their high-needs baby was a blessing, they learned so much, even looking back 9+ years ago at my high-needs baby, I see nothing whatsoever positive about it. I was very, very close to being suicidal. I was so sleep-deprived that at one point I was scared to try to sleep at all, in fear she'd wake me up and I would think I was dreaming and hurt her. I had two "normal" kids before that one, and suddenly having this baby that made everyone miserable was so depressing. The older two didn't bond well with her. All they remember of her being little is the crying and us not able to ever do anything fun :( When I look back at her first year or so, all I see is darkness and screaming and being exhausted. Yeah, she is strong-willed and that may work for her one day, but it sure wasn't anything I could feel good about, besides knowing I did everything I could to keep her happy. It took me 8 years to stop being scared and have another baby! She is a wonderful big sister, and when this one was colicky, there were many times my former-high needs child was the only thing that got her to stop screaming. The baby gave her lovin's (kisses, hugs, rubs) daily waaay before she did the rest of us. She truely enjoys being a big sister. I do have to say, I am so relieved this baby did not turn out to be high needs, it was my biggest fear, besides health worries, and despite the car screaming and the night waking I can say her not being high needs makes it somewhat ok.

 

I feel guilty a little saying all that, but I can't change how I felt, I couldn't make myself feel differently. I love that kid, she seems pretty normal for her age(almost 10) but her babyhood was just darkness for me. There are a few times I remember her smiling, and playing, but not many. It got a bit easier at around 8 months, and sometime between 12-18 months it was like the sun came out! The car screaming stopped, she walked, talked, and had fun. She slept through the night at 16 months suddenly out of nowhere and never woke again at night unless sick or a horrible dream woke her. I gave her all the attachment she wanted/asked for and hopefully needed, and got her through whatever made her so miserable. My midwife said something about how some people just are miserable being babies...that may be true!!


drowning in hormones with 4 daughters and an understanding, loving hubby. also some dogs. my life is crazy and we are always learning.

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#24 of 37 Old 10-08-2012, 06:02 AM
 
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I also share the theory that high-needs baby are really smart. Mine just "got stuff" at an early age and she did adapt to changes very easily, not what you'd expect from a high-needs baby. 4 hour trips away from home for a week didn't phase her what-so-ever when she was almost 2. Potty training was smooth and even earlier and easier than my other two.(I have a very easy time potty training, we'll see how it goes with #4 lol)


drowning in hormones with 4 daughters and an understanding, loving hubby. also some dogs. my life is crazy and we are always learning.

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#25 of 37 Old 10-08-2012, 08:31 AM
 
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Purplerose: I agree with you. I've often said that the first year of my older daughter's life was the worst year of my life, and it's absolutely true, and the first half of the second year wasn't great either, although that's when things improved. It was so hard. I had nightmares about getting pregnant again, it was so hard, and when I did get pregnant my biggest fear was having another year or so like that. I didn't even feel any bonding with my older daughter at all until she was over a year old. It was like I was taking care of someone else's baby. She is 10 as well and is also happy (though moody and loud) and normal, and very intelligent as well.

It is very very hard having a high needs baby. It is a time to be endured, which is too bad. People talk about "babymoons" being like a honeymoon, and I never understood that until my second.

But it does get better! Part of our job here in supporting new moms is really to help them get through that first year if they have a high needs baby. Hopefully we can help them see the light at the end of the tunnel and give them some survival techniques.
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#26 of 37 Old 10-09-2012, 03:31 PM
 
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purplerose and mamazee:  i say the same thing about the first year of my sons life :( worst year of my life.  i feel horrible about it.  but its true.  mine got amazingly better around 12 months though :) 

but i am TERRIFIED of getting another high needs baby that can never be soothed.  DS still screams like someone is stabbing him when he doesnt get EXACTLY what he wants within seconds of asking.  its scary.  i pulled out some ear plugs today and stuck em in during a meltdown.   its the only way i can stay in the same room as him (or even the same house).  


DD1 7 1/2 years DS1 3 1/2 years And DS2   7/18/13
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#27 of 37 Old 10-10-2012, 11:38 AM
 
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Both my kids were colicky - and I know that's kind of a catch all thing for babies that are fussy. And I bought everything to colicky babies!! The gas drops, the swings, the noisemakers/heart beat sounds devices - nothing worked. I was exhausted and depressed.

And the second baby was worse than the first!!! I thought.... NOOOOOOOO!!!

I swear though - it was like over night their moods lifted. I don't know what happened - literally day and night. The first - about 6 months old and the second about 10 months old. I know your baby is older... but might truly be a phase. God knows kids go from one phase to another.

Don't beat yourself up though - sounds like you are a wonderful, caring mom.

Blessings,
Christi
 

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#28 of 37 Old 10-10-2012, 08:11 PM
 
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Wow, I sometimes think I am the only one with "the baby who cries," so it was really nice to read all the replies.  My sister's kid is 1 week older than mine and NEVER cries (at least when I see him, which is a lot).  She is the bitchy type who always seems to judge my mothering skills or whatever, like "Glenn, you are doing SOMETHING wrong!"  But my 2 older kids never cried.  I figure I will take my baby daughter to a hypnotist when she is older and see if she can remember what all the fuss was about!  Just kidding.  But it is nice to know that there are other babies like mine out there!

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#29 of 37 Old 10-12-2012, 07:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyKidKissTrees View Post


but i am TERRIFIED of getting another high needs baby that can never be soothed.  DS still screams like someone is stabbing him when he doesnt get EXACTLY what he wants within seconds of asking.  its scary.  i pulled out some ear plugs today and stuck em in during a meltdown.   its the only way i can stay in the same room as him (or even the same house).  

 

Yes!! We're TTC for number two now, and even though I'm excited, I have moments of absolute panic and terror that #2 will be as high needs as DS. DS has the same reaction to your son to being told no, or even "wait please." I can't tell you how many stores/restaurants/etc. we've rushed out of because DS just lost it over something (his cookie broke in half was today's cause for a meltdown.) How do mom's with two (or more!) high needs kiddos do it?!


~may all beings be free from suffering~
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#30 of 37 Old 10-13-2012, 05:18 AM
 
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When I had my high needs baby, my cousin had one a few weeks younger. Her baby would lay happily in the pack and play, staring at the TV or out the window. All the grandparents bragged about this, repeatedly. (the same grandparents who had a lady clean house and half raise my mom, as in The Help) My current baby, who is not high needs, but is more hands-on than the typical baby, had "competition" with her cousin, who still at 7 months, is happy to sit on the floor, alone, being ignored while his parents play video games. It's hard(like, embarassing, almost) when you have that baby who requires so much more attention, it makes you feel like other people think you are doing something wrong. Your baby becomes the poster child for Why Not To Breastfeed/Cosleep/Hold/Pickupwhencrying. My  high needs baby also woke easily, and I remember my MIL tsk-tsking about me making her that way!! I was left to cio as a baby/small child, sure didn't get cuddled, as my mom believes babies manipulate you, and I still wake easily...even if someone walks past the doorway, the air changing wakes me up. It sucks. It must really suck to a baby who can't understand it.


drowning in hormones with 4 daughters and an understanding, loving hubby. also some dogs. my life is crazy and we are always learning.

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