How much do you get out on your own? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 10-03-2012, 09:36 PM - Thread Starter
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I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old and am a SAHM. Here is some background: The last few years have been really rough--my husband and I started a business, I started a business, we had our sons, I closed my business to be with the kids more, we moved our business, my beloved dog passed away, we moved our home and business to one location, we've been remodeling our new home for the past two years off and on, and I lost a good friendship. All of this has been a huge amount of stress. I have had anxiety issues off and on and suffered from insomnia for the first six months of this year. I have had some pretty severe family of origin issues that I have needed to come to terms with and think I'm making a lot of progress. Consequently, I am not able to see my family that much. My husband's family is pretty busy as well, but we see them every few months.

I go out with my husband about once a week in the evening and we go out as a family quite a bit. We went on some vacations this summer, etc. I don't go out on my own really at all or drive by myself anywhere. I just don't want to or feel that I need to. I could if I wanted to or needed to. I have been doing a lot of inner work and reading, etc. I work out everyday and have been trying to take care of myself and recover from everything. We have our boys in childcare during weekday morning so that I can work (from home and I'm taking some online writing classes) and get our house put back together and organized.  I have been feeling like I've made some major breakthroughs lately in being more true to myself.

Well, anyway, the reason for this post is that one of our employees asked my husband if I was agoraphobic! I talked with my husband and asked him if this bothered him and he said it didn't and that he understood that I had been through a lot. Lately, I feel that I am not so concerned with what everyone thinks, etc.( a big issue for me in the past). But, this is bothering me. First, I am an introvert and sensitive and I hate being pestered about it (childhood issues here--and probably the reason I feel like breaking down and crying over this). Second, it bothers me that we have the business on our property and that there is a lack of privacy (sometimes this really bothers me).

My husband and I are really close. We've had a lot of issues and stresses and I feel like we've come through them and things are much better. We renewed our vows this summer with our families and friends. I don't want this to cause problems between us.

I just don't want to feel like there is a microscope on me and what I'm doing. I don't want to feel that I need to be concerned what our employees are saying or thinking about me or us. I want to be able to trust them and be respected. I want to have my family and be at peace and not feel like I or we are being judged. I feel like our circumstances can be difficult but was trying to come to terms with them and focus on the benefits of having my husband work so close.

Any advice or insight?

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#2 of 5 Old 10-03-2012, 10:29 PM
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I think it's probably a good time to take pause and realize that you will be judged no matter what you do.  eyesroll.gif  But I think you also need to really recognize that a lot of the judgment you (and any of us) receives has precious little to do with us, personally, and a LOT to do with the person doing the judging and their insecurities or jealousies... kwim?


Your employee may see you at home all the time and wish they had that "luxury" or that their spouse could also be home.  Or they may feel like they COULD be home and SHOULD be home, but because they're not--they need to make everyone else feel like being out of the house is the way to be--as a means of validating their decision.


When you start to see the criticism as being their issue (and it truly is), it becomes an annoyance, but not a heartbreaker.  And really, it's pretty much always their issue.


Open up your heart to loving that person.  Realize that we are all connected.  Hope for them that they get the inner peace that they need to not envy or resent or long for what you have. 


And really, if that employee were making an honest remark of concern and trying not to "pry" by veiling it in jest, remind yourself that they don't really know what you've endured and that it's a season of healing... but they mean well to be concerned about you despite not knowing how to ask without looking like they're butting their nose into places it may not be welcomed.


Either way... it's not your issue.  It's theirs.


Hugs, mama.

Heather - Wife 
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#3 of 5 Old 10-04-2012, 12:49 AM - Thread Starter
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Thank you for the very helpful perspective. I would have never thought to look at it that way.

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#4 of 5 Old 10-04-2012, 10:59 PM
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It sounds like you are fine with the amount of time you spend in and out of the home and that your husband is not concerned about it either.  If you are happy I wouldn't worry about it too much.  Perhaps it was just an off-hand comment not meant to be taken too seriously?

Becky- Wife to DH, Mama to "Nani" (July '08) "Coco" (July '10) and Decker the Wrecker (May'13)
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#5 of 5 Old 10-13-2012, 08:19 PM
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 I identify a lot with what you said, the anxiety and introversion especially. I totally agree with what heatherdeg said  It has taken me so long to realize that what people want to judge me on is their own issue and nothing really to do with me.  This has helped me so so much with being comfortable with making my own decisions and feeling like my life is actually mine. I guess I wanted to reiterate.  redface.gif

Dp, me dreads.gif  ds#1  goodvibes.gif, ds #2 jog.gif and ds#3 drool.gif

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