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#1 of 30 Old 11-28-2012, 12:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Please share with me your GREATEST concerns about Motherhood,

 

and share with me the BIGGEST obstacles in Motherhood. 

 

 

Thanks everyone, I enjoy getting to know everyone and share joy in this awesome journey called motherhood! 

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#2 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 06:27 AM
 
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My biggest obstacle is isolation.  My biggest concern is raising a healthy and functional family within a context of cultural breakdown--our country is on an utterly unsustainable path.

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#3 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 06:30 AM
 
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but who will be parenting your kids while you write? 
 


Is it getting lonely in the echo chamber yet?

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#4 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 06:48 AM
 
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The biggest obstacle I face as a mother is the judgement of other mothers - the near constant drama of breast vs. bottle, WOHM vs. SAHM, co-sleeping vs. Ferber.  I spent the entire first year of my oldest son's life feeling like I was doing it wrong and ruining it for everyone because I worked, and had to supplement formula for my voracious little eater.  Finally, around the time he turned 1, I realized that NOBODY is right and NOBODY has all the answers.  Certain things work for one family that are total failures in another family and you have to figure out what works for you.  The most important thing mothers can do for other mothers is to help support them in their parenting even if their choices are not ones we might make for ourselves.

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#5 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 07:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I write while my children are at my feet, either doing their school work, or playing. 

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#6 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 07:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I lived in Alaska for 2 years, way off the beaten path. I understand this feeling. We were lucky enough to have a hockey rink nearby, and we used it at least 4 times a week. That saved my sanity! 

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#7 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 07:11 AM
 
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but you can't be giving them your full attention!  gently, mama, you might be letting them parent themselves a little more than is good. 


Is it getting lonely in the echo chamber yet?

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#8 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 07:32 AM
 
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My DH wanted to weigh in on this as he's the stay at home parent.  And he feels that the most joy he gets out of parenting has to do with the social aspect of parenting.  Having made good friends in other stay at home parents through the school, sports and volunteer opportunities with the kids.  For me just knowing they are being cared for by their loving father while I work is wonderful!  It elleviates my stress and I enjoy being the provider.  So it's good to hear him say those things.

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#9 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 07:54 AM
 
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I had a tough start at motherhood after a very difficult pregnancy. DD shared the womb with a large fibroid tumor that led to pre-term labor and extended bedrest for me. My OB/GYN was hoping for a vaginal birth for me, due to the potential for me to hemorrhage during a c-section. Due to stress on the baby, I had an emergency c-section. All turned out well and I was thankful that I was in the right place for my caregiver to take quick action. Then I struggled with breastfeeding and went through enormous guilt about formula feeding. After more than one month of tears, guilt, and society-induced feelings of shame, I embraced the situation and chose to focus my energies on loving my baby girl rather than struggling for an ideal.

 

Since then, DH and I have had to make a number of important choices about DD along the same lines, from medical choices (we vax) to caregiving while we both work to schooling (we ended up in an awesome public school). After the breastfeeding saga, we decided that we could no longer let ideals run our life choices and focused on what was right for us as a family. We both WOH at jobs that we are passionate about and are both, I believe, great role models for DD. DD is involved in activities both in and outside school that are engaging - it is truly wonderful to see all that she has learned by being exposed to others, from her first days at daycare as a toddler to today, as a third-grader. I am further blessed by the fact that DH is an awesome father that takes pride in sharing parenthood with me. 

 

I really feel that those early struggles around DD's birth and first months laid the foundation for us to make the right choices later, freeing us from the judging eyes of those around us. I wish that all mothers (and fathers) could find such freedom from dogma and ideals. Life is not ideal and is really all about making balanced, well-informed decisions that put the needs of our family members first, both collectively and individually.

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#10 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 09:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hildare,

Please, tell me how many kids you have, and how many years of parenting you have? I am curious how many times strangers and Friends have approached you and asked your parenting advice?  

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#11 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 10:01 AM
 
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Originally Posted by deannaggg View Post

Hildare,

Please, tell me how many kids you have, and how many years of parenting you have? I am curious how many times strangers and Friends have approached you and asked your parenting advice?  

 

headscratch.gif

 

I think you just did.

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#12 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 10:05 AM
 
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Having lots of kids and staying at home doesn't make you a good mom.

 

Are you only marketing your book to SAHMs? Cuz there aren't many of us.

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#13 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 10:27 AM
 
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I see more challenges in "parenting" than I do in "motherhood" because as a parent I'm just half of the equation.  I also think that everyone's experiences and circumstances are completely unique and there isn't a one-size-fits-all solution for everyone.  My personal experiences, hopefully, have made me more empathetic to others' unique circumstances.  I didn't always want to be a parent, or better yet, I think that DH and I were simply ambivalent about the whole thing.  As fate would have it, though, we became proud parents when I was 42 (I'm 49 now and DD is six).  DH is 63, so our path has been less than traditional - although I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who are also "older" parents. 

 

The practicalities of two oldies like ourselves parenting a wonderfully active child like DD has been fun but challenging, partly because we were pretty much set in our ways when DD came along and her presence really turned our lives upside down.  I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world and despite the challenges of parenting, I've had no ocassion to feel joyless or pressured.  Tired sometimes, maybe, but I think that happens with anyone even with the best support systems in place.

 

My personal experience, not so much with parenting but with life in general, is that when I am robbed of joy or happiness it is because I have set myself up to a standard of perfection that I could not possibly achieve or was appropriate for my circumstances.  That robs me of joy.  Parenting often requires me to evaluate myself and the biggest mistakes I have made is comparing myself to others.  That's a human thing, because I did the same thing pre-child, but I think that parenting magnifies that because everyone is suddenly an expert. 

 

Other than that, I love, love, love being DD's mom and sharing in this journey with my DH.  Life is so much richer for me now. 

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#14 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 10:34 AM
 
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Having lots of kids and staying at home doesn't make you a good mom.

 

Are you only marketing your book to SAHMs? Cuz there aren't many of us.

Huh, I only now noticed that this was under the SAHM forum. It is interesting that, by placing this in this particular forum, is basically a statement by the OP that the experience of WOHMs are irrelevant to "Motherhood". I guess that I should not be surprised, but I guess my siggy sums it all up. winky.gif

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#15 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 11:31 AM
 
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I'm going to answer for both dh and myself, since we work opposite shifts and split the parenting duties:

 

DH, weekend SAHP: Greatest concern is balancing playtime and educational activities for the kids with keeping up the chores within the home. Greatest obstacle is lack of money to do all the fun, enriching things he would like to provide for our kids.

 

Me, weekday SAHP: Same as above, really, although I think I struggle with balancing personal time and kid time more than he does. He is definitely the more selfless, patient parent than I am, so I'm glad that he is so involved. Overall, though, our parenting experiences are pretty similar since we both spend roughly the same amount of time with the kids and in the provider role.

 

Greatest JOY, for both of us: Getting to watch our amazing babies grow up into amazing individuals. thumb.gif


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Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.”
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#16 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 11:46 AM
 
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Wow, 10 kids is really impressive!  I'd actually be much more interested in hearing about the logistics of keeping them all in line and keeping them from fighting, honestly.  I have 3, and it is quite the handful!  I think a realistic book about schedules and making sure that the needs of every child is met in a large family would be very interesting.  I'll be honest that another book about how I need to be happy all the time and appreciate these passing moments and blah blah blah is really not something I'd find interesting at all.  I'm already in the trenches, and don't really need to hear about how I need an attitude adjustment: I think there's a VERY fine line between being inspirational and being sanctimonious.  But I think that some practical advice could be interesting.

 

Just a suggestion.

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#17 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 04:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for that input!

 

This is more to logistics of managing your chores, and how to encourage kids to respect, honor and obey their parents. 

 

While this is NOT targeted specifically to SAHM, I chose to put it in this forum as I am new to Mothering, and figured it was a good place to start. The assumption that I think you  must have a large family,  breastfeed,  co-sleep, or any other parenting choice is irrelevant to this topic.

 

What I have found is that by creating a certain amount of order, with your morning routine, or your rules and responsibilities of individuals in a household...This is what can make or break the JOY and peace in a house.

 

I have seen SO MANY parents with kids who, smart, smack, talk-back, ignore, and blatantly disobey their parents, and as a Mother first, and an Entrepreneur second,I would hope to help those families find a balance, so that their children can find SUCCESS in life. (I am not talking about being millionaires, I am talking ENJOYING life!) 

 

Parenting is NOT for sissies, and too many get themselves in over their heads and they either give up on fixing the problem, or they honestly have no idea where to turn for help. 

 

I do not proclaim the answers for everything, but I DO know some simple steps CAN bring back the spark or the enjoyment of being a family! I think too many of us live with regret, or dread, I want to see more mom's (and dad's) SMILING while they parent! 

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#18 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 04:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree.

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#19 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 04:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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"Having lots of kids and staying at home doesn't make you a good mom."

 

I agree. 

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#20 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 04:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jenniferlynne View Post

 

headscratch.gif

 

I think you just did.

The OP  just to clarify, I was not asking anyone's advice on enjoying parenthood, i was asking for their experience. 

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#21 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 04:36 PM
 
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The OP  just to clarify, I was not asking anyone's advice on enjoying parenthood, i was asking for their experience. 

I think that you will find that most people at MDC "enjoy" being a parent, and that enjoyment is PART or even MOST of their experience.  

 

Very rarely do I see the Andrea Yates types people on this board who can't handle being a parent and who are on some destructive path with their kids because of being overwhelmed, depressed, joyless, etc..  Maybe you can try some more mainstream boards where people are really questioning their decisions to become parents?  You seem to be suggesting in your OP that you want to "uplift" parents who need to find more joyfulness in parenting.  I know very few MDC parents who lack the joy.  My take on your OP was that you are somehow more qualified to give advice on parenting than the rest of us.  This is my personal reaction only.  I think it's cool when people have lots of kids but I think there are a lot of philosophical and moral issues that we all struggle with, no matter how many kids we have or what we think our experiences encompass.  

 

As someone who reads a lot and likes to learn about different experiences, I'd love to just read a book about a family's personal experiences (sort of like an autobiography) rather than an advice book on how to make my personal life better even though my circumstances are very different.  I'm not trying to be critical, but just putting my thoughts out there about what might really interest people.  

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#22 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 05:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Actually, the reason i brought this question to this forum is, as I was getting familiar with Mothering.com, I ran across numerous posts about the anxiety, and angst of parenting. So while YOUR enjoying parenting, that may not be the majority. 

 

Thanks for the input, I will consider putting more of our personal stories into the book. 

 

I don't understand why the majority of replies to this post seem to garner animosity, I in no way insinuated that I am an expert, I am simply stating that many may NOT find joy in parenting, or rather may have things that aggravate them and discourage them. 

 

If I was to offer a smile to someone who seems agitated in public, does this mean I am patronizing them, looking down on them for their grumpy mood? I think not. I am simply trying to share empathy, and say, "we have all been there" 

 

If more of us spent time LIFTING and encouraging, imagine the good we can do! 

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#23 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 11:05 PM
 
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I don't understand why the majority of replies to this post seem to garner animosity, I in no way insinuated that I am an expert, I am simply stating that many may NOT find joy in parenting, or rather may have things that aggravate them and discourage them. 

 

While we're not really supposed to reference other threads, I'm going to knowingly break this rule this time.

I'd guess you've garnered animosity from your insulting, condescending "I'm better than the rest of you, and I'm right and if you disagree with me, you're wrong" posts in the closed thread. I'm a SAHM myself, and those were some of the most obnoxious posts I've read here in a looonnng time.

 

If I was to offer a smile to someone who seems agitated in public, does this mean I am patronizing them, looking down on them for their grumpy mood? I think not. I am simply trying to share empathy, and say, "we have all been there" 

 

If more of us spent time LIFTING and encouraging, imagine the good we can do! 


Nice thought. You should try it.

 

Just out of curiousity, how bad was your birth-related PTSD, and how hard was it to hold your stillborn child, and how many of your children have special needs? (My PTSD was pretty freaking bad. It was harder than there are words for to hold my stillborn son. And, only one of my children - probably - has special needs, but we haven't even figured out exactly what's going on with him, let alone the best way to address it.)

 

How long have you been struggling to put food on the table, and not always succeeding? How often does your husband emotionally - or physically - abuse you? How bad are his - or your - struggles with addiction and mental illness? (These aren't so much about me - I've dealt with most - not all - of these at some point in my past, but not anymore...but a lot of those "joyless" parents you see are dealing with these things...and trust me, it's not that simple to paste on a smile when your child's acting up, you have a migraine, it's 7:00 and you still have to walk the groceries home and make dinner after a crappy day at work. It's hard to be joyful when someone is bouncing you off the walls, because you made chicken, and he wanted a roast.)

 

How long has your sex life sucked, because your husband is actually gay? (That one's me again - ex, though, not my dh.)
How long have you been struggling with chronic health problems? (Lots of people.)

How long ago did you have the massive heart attack that's left you unable to work?
How long have you been single?

 

 

In case you haven't got the message yet - you know what works for you - that doesn't mean it works for everybody else. Every single parent out there is dealing with a different situation than any other parent. Compared to some other parents, those differences are small. Compared to others, those differences are huge.

 

I love being a SAHM, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Yeah - I have crappy days. I'm effing tired. That doesn't mean I need someone coming along and telling me how to enjoy myself...or telling me the "right" way to parent.


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#24 of 30 Old 12-05-2012, 11:10 PM
 
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Oh, and to answer your OP:

 

My biggest concerns about motherhood are...well, there's really only one. I'm concerned that we won't be able to figure out how to help ds2 navigate the world around him in a way that's healthy for him or the people around him. His issues aren't always obvious, are very subtle at times, and tend to leave him ostracized, socially. It's hard to watch as a parent.

 

My biggest obstacles? There have been lots...an emotionally abusive, gay (please note that I don't care at all if most people are gay, but it's not one of the qualities I was looking for in a life and sex partner), drug addicted ex-husband. Birth trauma. Infertility (years - never explained). Miscarriages. A term stillbirth. Poverty. Health issues. Periods of depression. Life's hard sometimes. Being a parent doesn't make it easier.

 

There are a few things I'd change, if I could do it all over again. But, I'd still have my kids, and I'd still enjoy all their quirky, creative, high energy, antics, even if they wear me out.

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#25 of 30 Old 12-06-2012, 12:00 AM
 
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The fact that you have no idea why people responded to you with animosity is part of the problem.  I agree with StormBride.  Your sweeping statements that "daycare is WRONG" and "people who aren't willing to parent their children 24 hours a day shouldn't have had them" are insulting and offensive.  If you truly want to help parents find the joy in parenting, then try to be a little more understanding of differences in family situations and personalities and a lot less judgmental.  It's obvious that you feel that you have found the one true path to excellent parenting and you want to share your message with people.  But don't be surprised if the people whose choices you've openly attacked and condemned aren't interested in hearing what you have to say or if they respond to you with a bit of animosity.

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#26 of 30 Old 12-06-2012, 05:38 AM
 
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Actually, the reason i brought this question to this forum is, as I was getting familiar with Mothering.com, I ran across numerous posts about the anxiety, and angst of parenting. So while YOUR enjoying parenting, that may not be the majority. 

 

Thanks for the input, I will consider putting more of our personal stories into the book. 

 

I don't understand why the majority of replies to this post seem to garner animosity, I in no way insinuated that I am an expert, I am simply stating that many may NOT find joy in parenting, or rather may have things that aggravate them and discourage them. 

 

If I was to offer a smile to someone who seems agitated in public, does this mean I am patronizing them, looking down on them for their grumpy mood? I think not. I am simply trying to share empathy, and say, "we have all been there" 

 

If more of us spent time LIFTING and encouraging, imagine the good we can do! 

What is discouraging is having other people that are quick to judge our lives and the choices that we make for our child(ren). Some of us have been fortunate to be in a position to make these choices, while others are forced into choices that are due to circumstances outside their control. We have our ups and downs, happiness and unhappiness, tranquility and frustration. Yes, it is nice to get some empathy and advice (if and when sought), but Storm Bride said it all - you have no idea what is going on in somebody else's life and judging their unhappiness as "curable" is offensive. I have fortunately freed myself from the need to drink somebody else's kool-aid and don't need to define myself as AP or mainstream or whatever to feel good about my parenting. My parenting is unique to me and my family, based on my family's needs and interests. 

 

And, as the PP pointed out, you may want to reflect on your other threads as to whether or not you are spending your time LIFTING and encouraging other mothers that have made choices or have circumstances that are different from yours.

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#27 of 30 Old 12-06-2012, 06:44 AM
 
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Just a friendly moderator reminder.  I do appreciate the frustration regarding certain statements that have been made in pervious threads, but the thread you are referencing has been closed for good reason.  Please don't bring that conversation to this thread.  Keep it on the subject that is in the OP and avoid the personal attacks please. 


 
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#28 of 30 Old 12-06-2012, 08:46 AM
 
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Philomom-

I have removed your post, as I asked that the previous thread not be referenced only 2 posts above you.  This includes quoting posts that are about the previously removed thread.

 

I have also removed Honey693's post.  Again, just to make it clear, I've read both threads and posting in a manner that is a reference to (even if it's supposedly disquised) the other thread will be removed, infractions issued, and posting privledges to the thread removed. 


 
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#29 of 30 Old 12-06-2012, 08:01 PM
 
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Thanks for that input!

 

This is more to logistics of managing your chores, and how to encourage kids to respect, honor and obey their parents. 

 

While this is NOT targeted specifically to SAHM, I chose to put it in this forum as I am new to Mothering, and figured it was a good place to start. The assumption that I think you  must have a large family,  breastfeed,  co-sleep, or any other parenting choice is irrelevant to this topic.

 

What I have found is that by creating a certain amount of order, with your morning routine, or your rules and responsibilities of individuals in a household...This is what can make or break the JOY and peace in a house.

 

I have seen SO MANY parents with kids who, smart, smack, talk-back, ignore, and blatantly disobey their parents, and as a Mother first, and an Entrepreneur second,I would hope to help those families find a balance, so that their children can find SUCCESS in life. (I am not talking about being millionaires, I am talking ENJOYING life!) 

 

Parenting is NOT for sissies, and too many get themselves in over their heads and they either give up on fixing the problem, or they honestly have no idea where to turn for help. 

 

I do not proclaim the answers for everything, but I DO know some simple steps CAN bring back the spark or the enjoyment of being a family! I think too many of us live with regret, or dread, I want to see more mom's (and dad's) SMILING while they parent! 

 

My kids appear to have adapted mouthyness as their preferred adaptation to circumstances that suck.  They're 3 and 5, and I so much prefer back talk to tantrums and incoherence.  I have some limits, and the kids do test them, but man, there are very few things quicker to get my back up then the suggestion that children in general, or my children in particular, shouldn't use their words and their voices to say the things that are important to them, out of some kind of warped notion of the deference they should pay to adults.

 

I'm not "up in my head."  I haven't given up.  I very much doubt that you have a simple step that will bring the spark of enjoyment back into our daily lives right now, or keep us from living with dread.  If you do, please contact my oncologist.  If I'm not SMILING while I parent, it may be because the chemotherapy agent that will hopefully prevent my cancer from metastasizing out of my lymph nodes has killed a large-ish number of cells in my gastrointestinal tract, making me fantastically uncomfortable.  I may be running a holding action with my kids while waiting for the nanny to get there and take over and my husband to come back from work to drive me to the emergency room.  I may be trying to figure out if I should be worried about the pain in my fingers, or the fact that I can't feel my toes.  It is possible that I just had to explain (again) to a three year-old that Mama can't help her do flips right now because the doctor says no lifting until the hematoma in the port site resolves, or that I just (again) walked a five year-old through his fears about mortality.  Or it might not be that complicated.  I might just be trying not to throw up. 

 

(And, for the record, this is treatable, curable, "you got lucky" cancer.  I'll get better.  Tons and tons of families have it way worse.)

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#30 of 30 Old 12-06-2012, 10:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by QueenOfTheMeadow View Post

Philomom-
I have removed your post, as I asked that the previous thread not be referenced only 2 posts above you.  This includes quoting posts that are about the previously removed thread.

I have also removed Honey693's post.  Again, just to make it clear, I've read both threads and posting in a manner that is a reference to (even if it's supposedly disquised) the other thread will be removed, infractions issued, and posting privledges to the thread removed. 


Sorry, I have tendency to skim the thread. I must have missed your request. My apologies.
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