Feeling lost and don't know what to do "next year"? - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-10-2012, 11:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Currently and for the last few years I've been a SAHM. I went back to work 6 years ago after my 7 year old turned one... I worked 6 days a week and family watched her for the most part, my husband was home with her the other. Then I had my second 4 years ago and I've stayed at home since. I've always made a *little* bit of money here and there since being off... Direct sales a couple times, and various short term daycare situations for the past couple years. 

 

I'm doing morning daycare for a family 4 days a week right now so the mom can have one on one time with each of her kids and I'm also doing afterschool care 3-4 days a week for my husband's old landlord (he had to make a long distance move without us for the first part of this year). 

We are now in a position where the money I bring in is nice for little splurges and fun here and there but really NOT needed at all. 

 

My youngest will be going to full day kindergarten come Sept and I'm starting to feel the pressure to "decide" what I want to do when both of the girls are in school full time. The pressure is all ME however as my husband really doesn't care what I choose to do. 

 

He's told me I am more than welcome to continue staying at home and not working at all (EEK, that's a lot of me time each day!) or I can

Find a full or part time job although I think he'd prefer if I only worked a 9-2 shift or I could

go back to school and look at getting a diploma or degree (we have a collage here and another branch with more courses 45 mins away) or even 

just take some personal interest courses...

 

I have a lot of "skills" that could translate into home based business' but I really don't think I'm cut out for running my own business... My skills are just hobbies that I don't mind sharing with friends and family here and there.

 

I really only have work experience in one line of work (aquatics) and while I have done a TON of different jobs and had quite a bit of responsibility at times, I'm worried how it would translate on paper to office jobs... 

 

But I don't know if I *want* to work. I don't know if I want to continue staying home even in the short run. I just don't know what I want to do.

 

I *do* know that sooner than later my husband and I would like to look at having more kids either biologically or through adoption or both. But that could be 6 months away like originally planned or it could be 2-3 years away. 

 

I *do* NEED to get healthier. I've had a lot of health issues that were triggered or made worse after both of my pregnancies. My husband would like to hold off 'trying' for a baby until we both feel and are healthier, however if a baby happened under it's own devices (and could ;) ) then we'd be thrilled and my doctor has no issues with me carrying another pregnancy right now, it's just our own want and need. 

 

So how do you decide. I'm a planner and a sometimes perfectionist that needs to have all of her duckies in a row and right now my duckies are EVERYWHERE... (Christmas stress, having taken on too much and both of our families coming to visit one after another have me in a tailspin... I shouldn't even be thinking about this, but that's what my mind does! It always tries to add more stress when I'm stressed...)

 

So Ideas? Thoughts?


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Old 12-11-2012, 02:08 AM
 
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Maybe keep the childcare jobs you have now (or something similar), and get involved at your kids school? Parents do a lot to support their kids' learning community, it's important work.The kids experience at school would be a lot different without volunteers. 

 

I haven't been volunteering since my LO arrived, but my big kids loved it whenever I came for guided reading, to help with the publishing house or classroom crafts. There was even a veggie program where all it was was carrying a tray of veggies to the classroom and discreetly putting it on the counter by the sink so as not to interrupt the class, so all they saw of me was long enough to wave at each other, but the grins on their face? They loved that I was one of the moms that was there. 


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Old 12-11-2012, 06:16 AM
 
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Given what you have posted here I would take six months or a year and spent it on improving your health. Work on what you eat (diets are bad for everyone just say no) because all of a sudden you have way more time to menu plan, shop for deals, then prepare/cook a wider variety of foods than you currently have brainpower for.

And I took a year and went from not having ever run in my life to completing a marathon. My body feels stronger than it has ever been. Be selfish for a bit before you are thrown back under the bus of AP with another baby. smile.gif

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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Old 12-13-2012, 08:27 PM
 
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If you are able to, just take some down time. I mean, you are still parenting and probaby cooking and cleaning so it is not like you are doing nothing. I would take life one step at a time- allow yourself a lot of down time and work on your health issues and stuff- try to have fun, sleep- whatever-! then at sme point the next next thing will come into your horizon.

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Old 12-14-2012, 08:46 PM
 
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I relate to the general "what should I do next?" sentiment in this post. Good luck with your decision.

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Old 12-15-2012, 07:48 AM
 
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funny because I am the opposite! I am more of a person who likes to have lots of down time- so I am more thinking- oh when my 2 yr old is in preschool next year I can- excercise, yoga, garden, sleep, etcetera!

But eventually he will be in school full time (kindergarden) and then I will have to get a job- for which I have NO idea where I will end up but I got a couple of yrs before that!

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Old 12-20-2012, 11:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snapdragon View Post

then at sme point the next next thing will come into your horizon.

This really resonates with me... Ever since my DH and I have gotten together I feel like we are always on a rollarcoaster of events. A little downtime with a lot of build up to many many of life's events. Something else will come up and having down time would totally let me focus on whatever comes next without something "extra" in my way...

 

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Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post

Given what you have posted here I would take six months or a year and spent it on improving your health. Work on what you eat (diets are bad for everyone just say no) because all of a sudden you have way more time to menu plan, shop for deals, then prepare/cook a wider variety of foods than you currently have brainpower for.
And I took a year and went from not having ever run in my life to completing a marathon. My body feels stronger than it has ever been. Be selfish for a bit before you are thrown back under the bus of AP with another baby. smile.gif

I do need to work on what I eat. I've forced myself to like eggs over the past few months, and my diet already isn't too bad. I'm celiac so my options are already limited but I do snack too much on unhealthy stuff because it's easy and I forget to eat. I would love a bit more time to prepare easy to grab healthy snacks :) But I am lucky that what I am doing now allows me to make a really decent dinner almost every night (depends on how my body feels). And most days I am starting to get a good breakfast and lunch. I do need to work on the TIMES I eat and portion control though. And I need to walk more. We have a great free walking track for the days I want temp controlled and flat and I should take the dogs for more walks, it's just been super cold and snowy since the beginning of Oct. And it's my first time living in a place that gets WINTER so it's taking some getting used to. Running would be incredible, I'd really LOVE to get back in the pool and swim regularly though!

 

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Originally Posted by Mummoth View Post

Maybe keep the childcare jobs you have now (or something similar), and get involved at your kids school? Parents do a lot to support their kids' learning community, it's important work.The kids experience at school would be a lot different without volunteers. 

 

They loved that I was one of the moms that was there. 

My morning job ended and I am SO happy about that... My stress level dropped 100000000% :) I still have the afternoon one but I'm considering dropping that come summer so the kids and I can travel and it would also drop my stress to almost nothing. The days I don't have him I feel lighter and have much more energy. 

 

I would love to get more involved at the school and is one reason I'd love to not have anything else. I don't want to be there every day or maybe even every week, but I enjoy what I do do now which is trying to volunteer on field trips and in classroom stuff and similar. With two it'd be double and definitely be doable and fun :) I like being there and I know my oldest enjoys me being there sometimes as well!

 

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Originally Posted by Mulvah View Post

I relate to the general "what should I do next?" sentiment in this post. Good luck with your decision.

Good luck too. I feel like it would be easier if DH said he'd like me to work (less stress on him) or if he didn't want me to work... But the "do whatever you want with my support" is super sweet just harder to make a decision on! 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snapdragon View Post

funny because I am the opposite! I am more of a person who likes to have lots of down time- so I am more thinking- oh when my 2 yr old is in preschool next year I can- excercise, yoga, garden, sleep, etcetera!

I *LOVE* downtime. I love my naps and I love reading and putzing and art and doing what I want when I want. And I am quite chill being a homebody...

 

BUT I've also realized that I also have a really social side and sometimes I also like to have a lot on my plate. Not all the time but sometimes I really thrive being super busy. I'm like two different people lol

 

I think it comes from having the celiac as well as fibromyalgia and who knows how many other undiagnosed autoimmune disorders. When I'm busy I push through my pain and block it and overall feel healthier. But I like to be able to have the days where I'm in SUPER pain to relax and listen to my body. But if I don't have anything I *have* to do then that can keep me doing nothing and makes the pain worse which gets depressing. So I need that balance in my life to feel "healthy" and "normal".

 

Also DH works 12-16 hours a day and a variety of shifts... he can work 4 months straight with maybe one day off once or twice in there. Or he can be on 21 and 4 shifts or he can be in camp and then I get to solo parent for various amounts of time. So that is partly why it'll be hard for me to even think of working or school. We don't have family here but we are building a pretty decent support "group" of people around us. I have an amazing babysitter I can call for evenings, I have a friend that has no issue taking the kids for a couple hours during the day and we have a few other willing as well. And I'm starting to make a few of my own friends too... But making friends is also why I'd like to work or similar... 

 

But everyone I've been talking too all say "No working, just stay home and enjoy"... I think that's the way I'm leaning... I'd like to take some photography courses (if DH does indeed get me a decent camera for Christmas like he's been talking about) as a self interest thing but it just feels so "luxurious" and a bit "guilt inducing" to even consider staying at home and not bringing money in...


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Old 12-20-2012, 01:21 PM
 
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Good luck too. I feel like it would be easier if DH said he'd like me to work (less stress on him) or if he didn't want me to work... But the "do whatever you want with my support" is super sweet just harder to make a decision on! 

 

Yes!  I get the same response and though I'm happy for it, I wish someone else would or could make the decision for me.

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Old 12-20-2012, 03:28 PM
 
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Let go of that guilt, girl! I quit my job this year after getting really sick  -  also with gastro-intestinal/auto-immune issues. When I quit, we ended up keeping my daughter in the neighborhood daycare because, well, she likes going, and my husband suggested that I take some time for myself. I felt so guilty at first, but giving myself the time and space to learn new recipes and ways to eat, rest more, exercise, etc. has revolutionized my life. And my marriage. I feel amazing. I know what you mean about needing to stay busy to sort of get through the symptoms or pain, but I can tell by your post that you aren't the type that would just loll about the house! (Well, most days, every so often, I need to take a good loll). 

 

When you are used to being sick, you just learn to power through, or at least i did. I didn't realize what a toll that was taking on my psyche and relationships. Now I'm starting to get used to feeling well, and I found that I have so much more to give to everyone around me. 

 

Definitely take some classes! One of the things I'm doing is slowly building up a little business that I'll be able to sustain when we have our next kid.

 

You are right that it's a luxury that not everybody gets, but it's ok to be grateful and enjoy it!

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Old 12-27-2012, 10:17 AM
 
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Homeschool! Lol. I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old so I'm a ways away from having to deal with that decision, but I plan on homeschooling. Instantly staying at home for a long time. We're also done having kids, im pretty sure so I can start to see a light at the end if the tunnel. Good luck with your decision mama, I can relate to how you feel

DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)

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Old 12-27-2012, 07:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was just re reading and forgot about anothe reason why it would be hard for me to work... Our eldest DD has many specialist appointments and where we are living now means all day trips at times just to see them. We can have nothing for a couple months or 2-3 a month for awhile. And that would be a lot of time off work.

I love the idea of homeschooling and support homeschoolers almost 100% (a couple people I know are currently wrecking this for me, but I really believe that homeschooling done well is an amazing experience!) but when my oldest started school I was at my lowest health point and I couldn't physically homeschool the way I wanted to and currently she's thriving in school. And while there are benefits to HSing her with her health issues, there are also huge benefits to her being in school. Plus she LOVES it and wouldn't want to HS. My youngest/the 4 year old, would probably be better suited for HS but we've had some social and shyness issues that she's only just started to overcome and she finally has a few friends who she is looking forward to going to school with. So for many reasons we feel she needs to go to Kindergarten in a school environment before we make any decisions. Most likely she will continue in a school with a heavy home learning environment like our oldest is doing. It's working well for our family and the HS community here is not one that I'm really excited about. We actually hang out with some of the HS group already sometimes.

I am slowly starting to get excited and feeling less guilty over staying at home. The last couple weeks both DH and I have been talking about just how much I do around here and I like that I am able to keep the house running the way I want and still have the time to do things for me or whoever needs the extra focus.

All I've ever wanted is to be a full time SAHM, I'm just trying to balance reality with expectations and now with the future smile.gif

And Eeek! DH did get me the camera I've been drooling over and I can't wait to spend lots of uninterrupted time learning to use it!

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Old 12-28-2012, 01:47 PM
 
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It may help to write down a list of priorities and interests you have.  Only you know what is right for you, but for me the right balance is working part-time.  I previously worked full-time and felt like I never saw my kids (I worked 10-7 shift though).  Working part-time, I still have time to go to yoga, get things done, and not feel totally stressed. I get to be with my kids enough to keep all of us connected and sane.  I earned a Master's degree and don't recommend going to school full-time unless you want to be miserable with all of the stress and deadlines conflicting with spending time with your kids.  But, going to school part-time is a good balance as well.  


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Old 12-28-2012, 01:50 PM
 
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Just read your update and it looks like you made the best decision for you and your family!  Yes, running a household and squeezing in some time to exercise and be healthy is a full-time job even with kids in school.  My kids are also in public school and thriving. :)


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