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Old 02-25-2013, 08:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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gI am 6 months pregnant with our first. We decided to rent a house (vs our old apartment) when we found out I was expecting, we were only living in 500 sq feet, so we signed a lease and moved into a house that is only an 8 minute(!) drive from hubby's work in the Los Angeles area (vs a 25 minute commute from the old place). My husband, who is so thrilled about the pregnancy and becoming a Dad (probably more excited than me if that's possible), only asked that we find something close to work for him so that he can come home maybe 3 days a week for lunch to see the baby more, since sometimes he gets home at 6:30-ish or later. He has told me, in heartfelt talks, just how much that means to him, to be a good Dad who will be there for his kids (I think he is basically righting what he felt he didn't have, but his heart is in the right place and I think it's very sweet). He just really wants the baby and I to live close. And since we've lived here, honestly, I can tell he's been happier, just enjoying coming home for lunch and seeing my pregnant belly and getting excited to come home and spend some time mid-day with the baby in a few months. He comes home beaming, both nights and the days he comes for lunch, since living here. He has always been one of those rare young guys in their 20s that LOVES babies, and he's very family-oriented. The first day he came home for lunch, he actually started crying, telling me how much this means to him, having us here.

 

So as I said, we are in this new house. Since then I've realized that the airplane noise is a LOT worse than the days we toured the house around the holidays in December. Hubby notices it too, but it doesn't bother him, because I am one of those people that's sensitive to extraneous noise and he can just tune it out. The problem is, I can't imagine raising/caring for the baby here, because of the noise mostly (also, the tight space doesn't help but it's not the main issue). The noise makes this place not feel like a home to me, or a place I want to be with a baby. In fact, it distracts me from even feeling happy. :( Sometimes I am happy, but a lot of the time, the noise messes with my.....just sense of peace and calm, and I want to escape. The biggest problem is not being able to picture me and the baby spending quality time together, with that noise in the background. So I am facing a huge internal struggle. I do LOVE seeing hubby so happy, it makes my heart melt, but the noise drives me insane. I feel my happiness is important, but seeing him this happy also makes me happy. Back when he was commuting, he was moodier.

 

The worst part is that I think most people would be okay with the noise. My mom has been here, and she's like, "yeah, i notice it when you point it out, but I could still live here." Most people seem to just get used to it and adjust. For some reason I can't. I don't think it's because I'm obsessing, I think I am just sensitive and need a higher threshold of quiet to feel at peace and relaxed. But then I feel like I"m penalizing hubby for that. Like maybe this is my chance to not be so difficult for once, and put someone else first. I'm trying to, but can't get it to work. :(

 

And there is nowhere else that we can afford (literally, I have scoured the area) within a decent commute so he can come home for lunch, without the noise.

 

I found a place in a much quieter area, and I like it much more than this place. Hubby says he will break the lease to make me happy, because he can tell how unhappy I am here. I am having a hard time registering for baby things, etc etc.....I just can't imagine playing with the baby, nursing the baby, cuddling the baby on the couch, with the rattling of the planes in the background. I keep hoping I will "just get over it" or get used to it, but so far, no. I can still watch TV, but there is something about not having quiet in the background and having continuous rattling noises that makes me feel like I'm not in a home/safe place. Sometimes when I'm with hubby, I get a little distracted from it, but that's when it's more mild (it's a small airport so it depends on weather). When it's worse, I am just irritable to others around me because of it.

 

So what should I do???? I am TORN UP inside about squashing hubby's one thing he wanted, because I feel like what kind of an idiot has a husband who is ulta-enthused about being a great, involved Dad, then squashes his one request? Of course he can and will still be a great Dad even if he can't come home for lunch, but it just really seems like one of those things I know he will look back on and be sad about, because he made such a big deal about it being a priority.

 

Thoughts? At what point do I put aside something that drives me nuts? But honestly, I've tried and tried....why can't I just ignore the noise? Sorry about the rambling, just really upset.

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Old 02-26-2013, 06:46 AM
 
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How long have you lived there?

 

We lived under the flight path of a major airport for about 10 years.  When we bought our house about a 1/2 mile from our apartment the airplane noise got much worse.  Honestly, we did get used to it.  After 9/11 it was dead silent and it was downright creepy to have no noise.  Now, we live in what I consider to be "the country".  I never ever hear airplanes, just the occasional helicopter.  When I go back and stay at my dad's (a few blocks from our old house) the noise drives me nuts for the first day or so.  

 

I understand the stimulation you get from the noise.  Ds left his Playstation on in his bedroom and I can hear the buzzing.  I can hear the ceiling fan motor.  They aren't loud, but the hum of things makes me twitchy.  I put a huge value on silence, the best part of my day is when the kids and dh all leave and the dogs fall asleep.  Silent.

 

All things considered, I'd probably try and stick it out for a while.  Babies change so fast and you're so lucky to have a husband who truly wants to be there and IS there, whenever possible.  Soon enough the baby will be in school and your lifestyle will change, then might be a better time to move.  I really do understand your frustration though :(

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Old 02-26-2013, 07:12 AM
 
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I didn't see how long you've been at this new place by the airport. I, personally, would give myself time (6 months maybe?) to see if I did get used to the noise, and then if I didn't, I'd ask him to move despite the commute without feeling guilty, knowing I'd tried to make it work.

 

I lived for a while right near a major expressway, and we had toured the house on a Sunday and then at an odd hour, so it didn't seem that bad, and THEN we moved in and lived there during rush hour and every work day, and I was overwhelmed by the noise. But I was surprised to find that I got used to it, and didn't notice it after a while. It's weird how you can get used to noises.


On the other hand, it's possible you are sensitive enough where you won't get used to it, and if that's the case, I don't think you should feel bad about needing to be somewhere quieter. It sounds like your husband is a great guy who will understand that. I guess I'd personally give it a really good effort before deciding it was too much, but then after I'd made the effort I'd move and feel no guilt or regrets over it. If you do decide to move, please don't hold onto negative feelings about needing to move.

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Old 02-26-2013, 08:02 AM
 
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We live near a busy six lane road and train tracks.  We've lived here for five years and I still hear the noises!  Sirens at all hours that make my dog howl, trains hitting the tracks and blowing their whistles in the silence of the night, and planes flying overhead too.  It's not a deal breaker for me, but I could see how it might drive you crazy being really close to an airport.  We're miles from the airport (but in the flight path of landing planes) and it's still pretty loud!  

 

We have a sort of similar situation.  We need to move to a larger place and I can't decide to push for moving closer to DH's work, which is currently an hour commute from here in traffic, or trying to make us stay around the town here where our parents, doctors, and familiar places are.  If we move closer DH will get to leave for work much later in the afternoon and get home earlier in the morning, so he will be able to go sleep earlier and wake up earlier in the day.  (He works a weird night shift at a car factory.)  But if we move closer we'll be an hour from homeschool co-op and everything familiar.  How do you decide??  It's difficult. 


Momma to Sweet Rosie 7/06, Lost Baby J 1/09 at 12 weeks pregnant, Spitfire Ada born 4/21/10, and Baby Boy due July/August 2013!
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Old 02-27-2013, 06:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much for the replies. I feel like you ladies really understand the dilemma! We have lived here for 7 weeks. Most of the planes that take off from this airport are propeller planes (but this airport is still super busy despite plane size) so if it's a really windy day, etc, the amount of sound we hear will change because they alter the direction they take off from. So those days, I'm happy, and I decide we will stick it out. Then we'll have a bad day here where they fly right over the house continuously, and I'll be saying, "get me out of here!!!!!"

 

One aspect that I didn't mention in this post, is that I do worry it will somehow affect the baby's language development, attention span, or just overall mood/motivation (but granted, I am anxious person who can fixate on things, so it seems like I"m up to that again with worrying about the baby....that is why I didn't really mention the baby in my first post, and decided to focus on my own wellbeing). My husband and my mom both keep reassuring me that it will NOT affect the baby's development. I do realize that this is probably true; I am not a completely unreasonable person and I realize I am a worrier. But it is hard to shake my "mother's intuition" about this, because I know how much the noise drives ME nuts, and if I were a baby trying to listen to my mother's voice, I do feel the annoyance of the background noise would....who knows. Cause frustration or distract me (me as the baby). I keep thinking, if the baby is like me, it could be an issue.

 

The main problem is how it affects me....my life is definitely worse because of it; it just makes my mood tank when it gets bad, or when I reach my tolerance for that day. But then once I realize how annoyed I am, it starts this line of thought where I realize it won't be good for the baby either, if it does this to me (the obvious reason is because I wouldn't be a good mom while this annoyed, but in my mind, like I mentioned, I'm worried about the baby himself). I realize this could be new mom's anxiety, but still. Can't shake it. :( I want my baby in a quiet zone, safe for learning. (I know I sound kind of unreasonable, that is what others have told me. Just expressing my thoughts to you all because it's part of it, perhaps part of why I can't get over this).

 

So that is where I stand. I think, maybe I can get used to it, but do I want to get used to it, because what if it affects my baby?!?!? And I just don't want to look back on the first 6 months of his life and think that I could have been exposing him to something that could have been driving him nuts. (Scared you all are gonna come down on me for being so...paranoid!....and no longer take me seriously). But this is how I am thinking. If the noise didn't bother me, I obviously wouldn't be worried about the baby. But it does, a LOT, so here I am, worrying about the munchkin too.

 

I guess those are my dilemmas with adjusting. Once I adjust, the baby will be born, then how will HE adjust?

 

But honestly, I don't even know how well I'll be able to adjust. I think the reality is that I will not be able to fully, and I'll be maybe 50% happy here, 100% happy in the new place. I have toughed it out before with rough places that contributed to me being unhappy, and I think it's to the point that exposing the baby to this is what's putting me over the edge (no matter how illogical the effects on the baby may sound).

 

I think if I wasn't about to give birth, I'd be more likely to try to make it work for hubby, but I feel like I shouldn't subject the baby to something that annoys me this much, and also, to me this annoyed.

 

And yet, as Mamalisa said, I AM so lucky to have a husband who wants to be there....so I keep thining I should just do what I've done in the past, suck it up, for the good of everyone. To give you a fair comparison, I think hubby is 110% happy here, and in the new place, would be 60-75% happy (because of the commute). So in the end it's pretty even if you add his happiness plus mine...160/200 points here, 160-175/200 in the new place. The new place barely wins, but it depends upon how much hubby will actually take a happiness decrease from moving.

 

Sorry so long! Just trying to get all my thoughts out there. This is kind of therapeutic for me. But it is REALLY very nice to hear from women who understand and can relate in some way. Blessings to you all.

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Old 02-27-2013, 07:02 PM
 
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This is probably obvious, but have you tried white noise? Particularly if you are concerned about the baby being stressed by the noise, I would set up a white noise machine in your room/the baby's room, even the living room if you feel like it would help.  Personally, white noise kind of drives me nuts, lol, but it may lessen your stress about the baby being in a noisy environment. 

 

Also, you'd be surprised about what a baby can sleep through/ignore.  It's possible your baby may not notice the noise at all, particularly at first.  My ds could sleep with his sister literally screaming next to his head and vice versa-they learn to adapt. 

 

If this is truly making you that stressed out and anxious, and it sounds like it is, I would have a serious conversation with your dh about moving.  But, given how excited he is to be so close to the baby, I would also try really really hard to find another solution first.  It is really great that he can come home for lunch, etc., but it is also really important that you are not anxious and stressed everyday waiting for something that makes you even more anxious and stressed to happen (i.e. the airplane noise). 

 

I do (very gently :) suggest that you wait and see how the noise affects the baby before worrying too much more about it, but I do agree that your mood will translate to the baby's mood and that you won't be able to "be your best"  if you can't relax in your own home.


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Old 02-27-2013, 08:11 PM
 
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If you found a place you like and it is quiet I would absolutely move. I am also noise sensative. Anyway I moved when I had a baby but for a different reason- where I had lived was quiet and peaceful but too far from other people and things--- at any rate where I live now is a little noisier but nothing like what you describe and it still bugs me--- I Am still planning to move somewhere quieter.

 

My point is, the baby is only little for a little while. Then they get big and need to get outside and run around. If the airplane noise bothers you now I thin it will bother you 1000 times more when the baby is born and growing up! I woul say move

You are the one home with ther baby and home a lot so it is important that you like where you live. Your husband sounds great and likely he will adapt. He can adapt to the commute and you need to have a peaceful home.

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Old 03-01-2013, 03:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for listening, and the good advice.

 

I've thought about "white noise." I will probably utilize it if we stay here. But I am one of those people that gets annoyed by some white noise (depending on the type...white noise machine=annoying, furnace running or fan=not ideal but much better than planes).

 

I have thought about waiting to see how the baby seems to react to it once he's born. I will consider that. I think seeing him doing alright with it would help (at least) one aspect of what's bugging me. I'm not sure I could completely tell if it's impacting him in the ways I'm worried about, but I think I may get an intuition one way or the other. It is a good suggestion.

 

Then, as mentioned, I just also need to think about how it's going to affect ME. Some days I seem to do better with it. Some days I don't, and maybe it's when my chronic fatigue is worse that it bugs me more....how when you don't feel well, everything annoys you more and your tolerance is lower. However, the planes have been much less frequent lately because the wind changed, so I need to keep that in mind, because it's going to get worse again when the wind goes back to "normal." (weird california weather patterns!)

 

This has been a hard decision. Thank you for letting me vent. You all's input is really, really good. The kindness of people on this site blows me away, so thank you.

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Old 03-01-2013, 09:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Kind of a sad update... :( :(  Well, the wind changed back to "normal" and tonight the noise has just been unbearable. I decided I was ready to move. I looked online, and saw that that house that I LOVE that we can afford is no longer available. :( Since then, I've been really mad at hubby. I honestly feel that I've been expressing to him that that is the place that will make me happy, and I was really just waiting for him to give his blessing. He kind of did, but he kind of didn't. He said he'd move, but I kept asking him for reassurance he would be happy there, because he can have mood swings that are hard to deal with. I just feel he never really gave me his true blessing, so I was afraid to pull the trigger.

 

I know it sounds like I'm blaming him. The thing I'm hurt about, is that I spent sooo much time obsessing over if he'd be happy there, and he didn't seem to care or wonder where I would be happy, like I was doing for him. I feel like if he would have, he would have come to me and said, "let's move to the place you like." He didn't once do that, and that hurts. Despite the fact that it was obvious I wanted to live there, and also the fact that I talked about that place 24/7, and mostly just asked him if he'd be okay with it. The sad part is, I think he would have been okay with it. He just kind of withheld his blessing on the move, because he was being selfish. That is my true opinion. I think I was beating myself up to make him happy, when from him, I got nothing but "no response"...aka....selfishly hoping I'd shut up. :(

 

I just feel really hurt. :(

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Old 03-01-2013, 10:06 PM
 
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So this is a real thing, by the way. Airplane noise causing physical and emotional problems for people. I think that the research done was on areas near military bases. I will say that I have heard both regular airport traffic and airforce base plane noise, and that I have never heard anything as loud or terrible as the noise of airforce planes. I mean it just doesn't compare. I digress.

OP, I know that sometimes we don't have an ideal situation. Our lives are less than perfect. I know too that being pregnant comes with some emotional challenges that make things even more difficult than these dissapointments normally are. I would encourage you to try to take a step back and look at this objectively. You've only lived there for 2 months. Are you right under the flight line? Is it deafening noise, or just annoying? How many times in a day is this happening? Is it the actual noise that's affecting you, or is it a growing resentment about living in place you're not happy about that makes the noise seem worse and worse?

And then consider this. Having a baby is really hard. It's so much harder than anyone has ever told you, or then you can possibly understand until you have to take care of one. And help is something that you will want and if you CAN get used to the noise, you are going to be really thankful that 3 days a week your DH comes home in the middle of the day. And that it takes him 8 minutes to get to and from work, because there are days when you will barely get enough time to stuff food in your mouth and go to the bathroom. And (assuming you are fairly well into your pregnancy) by the time the craziest part of parenting a needy infant is over, your lease will be just about up

Only you can decide if it's too much noise to handle. And by all means, if you just can't take it, then you can't take it. but if you can give it some time, while you decide, try to think of the larger picture and not just how you feel right now.

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Old 03-02-2013, 05:21 AM
 
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And then consider this. Having a baby is really hard. It's so much harder than anyone has ever told you, or then you can possibly understand until you have to take care of one. And help is something that you will want and if you CAN get used to the noise, you are going to be really thankful that 3 days a week your DH comes home in the middle of the day. And that it takes him 8 minutes to get to and from work, because there are days when you will barely get enough time to stuff food in your mouth and go to the bathroom. And (assuming you are fairly well into your pregnancy) by the time the craziest part of parenting a needy infant is over, your lease will be just about up

Only you can decide if it's too much noise to handle. And by all means, if you just can't take it, then you can't take it. but if you can give it some time, while you decide, try to think of the larger picture and not just how you feel right now.

 

That is exactly what I was thinking when I read through this. 3 of my babies had colic, nonstop screaming for about 5 months straight. We always lived too far away for DH to come home during the day so that would mean days would go by without me showering or eating anything I could shovel in with one hand while bouncing a baby. Now that my youngest is 19 months, we finally live also 8 minutes from DH's work and OMG, I wish we had done this years ago. greensad.gif I could of showered or eaten to taken 5 minutes to pee ALONE. And that fact that your DH wouldn't get home until 6:30, some kids might be in bed by then. DS2 is asleep by 6:30 every single night, he turns into a screaming, sobbing mess if I try to  keep him up. DH, on the best possible day, if he does not come home for lunch, sees him for about 20 minutes in the mornings. Sometimes we have days go by without them really engaging. I would seriously consider waiting out your lease and then decide then if things are different. 


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Old 03-02-2013, 08:06 PM
 
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aw, that sucks! I have had things like that happen too. I am learning about how sometimes when we are in indecision it is hard to make things happen and something aobut making firm decisions helps move us along. I dunno- I am being vague hee as this is something I am learning about.

 

So it sounds to me like you want to move and you are just trying to figure out if you should decide or let your husband decide. You did say you think he would be okay either way. And you are not okay with the noise. So I would say- tell your husband, I m sorry but I really need to move. I can't stop thinking aobut it. I am sad to move farther from your work and I appreciate you compromising on this for me. And then get clear that you want to move- and look for a new place. It may not be the place you missed, but it can still be another good place.

It seems very clear to me that you want to move, but that you are concerned you are being selfish or something. I do not think it is selfish to want to have a nice quiet home. When the baby comes  a lot will be expected of you. If you dislike where you live it would be hard for you.

You deserve a nice place! Try to learn from this that you missed it because you didn't believe in your own inner voice strongly enough or you just couldn't find the courage to take the risk and act. But you still can now. Good luck!!!!

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Old 03-03-2013, 05:25 PM
 
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I'd move!  Currently living in a compromise place myself - eventually you will become resentful and your marriage will suffer.  Both of you need to be happy.  

 

Good luck with this - it's tough!

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Old 03-03-2013, 05:37 PM
 
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I live in one of the flight paths of Ohare airport ....and honestly it has had no effect on my kids language development or attention span......yeah it gets annoying but honestly it's something that you just get used to ......

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Old 03-03-2013, 06:17 PM
 
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Kind of a sad update... :( :(  Well, the wind changed back to "normal" and tonight the noise has just been unbearable. I decided I was ready to move. I looked online, and saw that that house that I LOVE that we can afford is no longer available. :( Since then, I've been really mad at hubby. I honestly feel that I've been expressing to him that that is the place that will make me happy, and I was really just waiting for him to give his blessing. He kind of did, but he kind of didn't. He said he'd move, but I kept asking him for reassurance he would be happy there, because he can have mood swings that are hard to deal with. I just feel he never really gave me his true blessing, so I was afraid to pull the trigger.

 

I know it sounds like I'm blaming him. The thing I'm hurt about, is that I spent sooo much time obsessing over if he'd be happy there, and he didn't seem to care or wonder where I would be happy, like I was doing for him. I feel like if he would have, he would have come to me and said, "let's move to the place you like." He didn't once do that, and that hurts. Despite the fact that it was obvious I wanted to live there, and also the fact that I talked about that place 24/7, and mostly just asked him if he'd be okay with it. The sad part is, I think he would have been okay with it. He just kind of withheld his blessing on the move, because he was being selfish. That is my true opinion. I think I was beating myself up to make him happy, when from him, I got nothing but "no response"...aka....selfishly hoping I'd shut up. :(

 

I just feel really hurt. :(

 

I think you should be gentle with yourself and him.  He must lose something precious to him.  If he is thinking about losing that it might not occur to him how much you are needing his support.  I am often influenced by what makes my dh happy even when he is not pushing for something or insisting on something.  I want his agreement to make me able to push myself forward, I want him to strengthen me when I am facing a difficult compromise, I fear hurting my beloved.  You are both motivated by love I think but he didn't know what you needed. 

 

In my opinion it was your place to be clear enough to insist that your needs necessitated the move, and not expect him to act happier facing the loss.  Yes, if it is driving you as crazy as you say you HAVE to do it and that's all there is to it.  You're both stuck with the shared loss.  While he really ought to advocate for you a little more, he's sadly going to be unhappy with the move and the loss and I think it simply occurs less to men to smooth over the feelings of their partner by acting upbeat about something like this.  He probably thinks he's being deeply considerate of your needs by simply accepting the change because he loves you.

 

I did not notice how long you have been there so far, but it sounds as if it will continue to affect you.  I think your child is likely to be less affected, but as long as it is getting under your skin and you are home many hours experiencing it then it's a major problem.  The only thing that you can do now is start a new search and watch for a good opportunity to move to a more comfortable place.  I really feel for you as I am hypersensitive to a lot of things and I feel like my sensitivities often bring unhappiness to my loved ones.  I remember living right next to railroad tracks that could be very noisy.  I became accustomed to it but I think it was less constant noise than your situation.

 

I really hope you find another house that is a good fit soon.  I don't think you should be too scared about the timing--the move will be worth it even it is close to your birth--and then you will be in the right home.  If it doesn't work out for a while your dh will be able to spend some precious lunches at home, and your plan to move as soon as you find a good fit will still be in place so the end will be in sight for you as well. 


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Old 03-04-2013, 04:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for the amazing replies. :) I am responding to a few, but honestly, they were all great......so just know I read them all, and will continue to re-read them as I need a pep talk.

 

Well, life is very funny, because on Saturday, we found another place that I like just as much as the place we missed out on. I had been looking for that first "alternate" place for a very long time, so this really was perfect timing. It is a little pricier, but we can make it work (luckily I am normally conservative with money).

 

So that is a good thing!!! However, sure enough, I am still second guessing myself, but I think I will have to get over that quickly, because we submitted the application, so things seem to be moving along. So good news again! Though I am still feeling torn....like what a few people mentioned, it's just guilt, paranoia about being selfish....which isn't really selfishness, it's just being afraid of being selfish. So I am working through that. Not gonna say I'm there.

 

Littlestbirds, I am glad you understand......the whole thing about being influenced by what makes DH happy, even when he's not pushing for it hard. I actually liked your whole post....it really sums up what I'm going through, and I think what he is going through. I am glad you understand about the hypersensitivities, and feeling like they impact others. It is really an awful feeling. You feel that you're between a rock and a hard place. You want to please others, and you try, but you know deep down it's not gonna work. I just WANT to FORCE myself to not be sensitive to things, but like my Mom said to me yesterday, "it's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole."

 

Maybe I would have gotten over the noise.......but as my mom also said, "It's 50/50, and do you really want to take that chance?" The "chance" is dragging out this drama even longer, because the drama itself of the indecision is taking its toll. The constant looking at places, and the crying on bad days, changing my mind on good days.

 

Snapdragon, that is a lot of what my mom said, about just making the decision. I like what you said..."When the baby comes  a lot will be expected of you. If you dislike where you live it would be hard for you."

 

I kept asking my Mom on the phone: "Is this one of those situations where a person is obsessing because they have too much time, and so once the baby comes, I won't have time to be bothered? Like the cure is busy hands???? OR, Is this one of those situations where the baby is going to add so much more stress (but obviously good stress) to my life, that anything that bothers me now is going to make me even more worn down and weary?"  That is when she told me it's 50/50, so do I want to take that chance? But she told me that knowing "me", she thinks I will still notice it, if she had to guess. My intuition....well, I honestly just don't know.....but the nesting part of me feels that I need to get away from anything bugging me that much, BEFORE the baby comes! I have seen a few friends of mine really go downhill after the birth (just being frank!) both psychologically and physically, so I just kind of feel I need to get myself away from anything making me more frazzled and sad. (typing this is helping!).

 

So yeah, Snapdragon, that is what I was thinking. And also, thanks for reminding me that what I'm worried about isn't really "selfish." I think everyone will be better off, for my honesty. I just need to be honest!!!! Yes, it conflicts with what hubby wants, but I am being honest when I say that a different place would make me happier.

 

Luckily, my husband is on board with this. I think, like others have said, it is just hard for him to be crazy perky about moving again.....I should just be grateful he's doing it. Honestly, I do worry how this will all affect him.....but I think he will be okay. He is a LOT more resilient than me, and let's face it, I'm the one that will need more resilience. The baby will suffer, and so will hubby, if my condition gets worse (my anxiety, etc).

 

Anyways.....sewingmommy, thank you for letting me know, and I am really glad to hear it. :) I know my fear about the baby seemed a little out there, but it's an awkward thing to ask others questions about their children, so it is nice to have someone just volunteer the info and be real with me. Makes me feel better.

 

So the saga continues....I am blessed to have so much support, both in person and online. I know that this seems like so much drama......the good part is, eventually the drama will end (one way or another of course). I actually do feel good that it's ending this way.

 

And for those wondering about my DH.....I think we are just going to keep working on communication, and work also on him making it more of a priority to spend a little extra time at home (even if it's not lunch). So in other words, it'll be slightly less conveinent for him to see the baby, but he can try other things, like leaving later 1-2 mornings a week (work will let him do it, he just normally refuses to because he is worried about getting behind). And I am going to come bring the baby to him!!!!! I know he really wanted to be able to just "come home", but with better communication, we are trying to figure out different ways to reach the same goal---which is more bonding between him and the baby. So hopefully it'll work out. Hopefully our efforts will result in times with the baby we never even considered before.

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Old 03-04-2013, 07:24 PM
 
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I found when my baby came everything mattered MORE than it did before. The baby didn't distract me from the other stuff, but it became more important for my baby to be in a good environment. When you have your baby you want things to be as nice for them as possible! You have less time on your hands but you still notice stuff like loud noise.

Yes, don't worry about being selfish! This shift into  becoming a parent for the first time- I think it is important to trust your instincts- your inner feelings such as the noise bugs you and you want somewhere better. It is good that you are trusting that! When you become a family with a child sometimes each person in the family's decisions affect the other people even more than they did before.

So if you want to make a good home for your family, and to do so you need a quieter space, then you are actually benifitting your family by making a choice that is good for you!

In general I believe that it is good to take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and put yourself in places that will make you as happy as you can be. Because then you can bring your husband and kid to the happy place too. IF you are unhappy and enduring something to try to please someone else or what you think they want, but if it makes you unhappy, then you wouldn't be helping others anyway. y'know?

So to be "selfish" could mean to take good care of yourself. And that could be a good thing. When you are happier they are happier.

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Old 03-05-2013, 06:44 AM
 
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The biggest thing I'd look into is the community you will be in with your newborn. DH and I have a 23 month old and expecting baby #2 in July. We live in an old (1920's) home and there are lots of things that irk me like doorknobs that fall off, a teeny tiny kitchen and a bathroom you can barely turn around in. We considered moving to a new subdivision and were working with a realtor but then something dawned on us. We bought this house largely for location: 2 blocks to a grocery store, 3 blocks to a fashionable retail district and a bit further to a very well equipped strip mall (with a good pharmacy and our bank) and a 15 minute walk to the city's biggest park and lots of green space. Last spring/summer/fall I'd just grab some diapers, snacks and water and just walk with DD to wherever we fancied. Once DH was on vacation in the summer, we practically lived at the park. A new house with great bathrooms/kitchen/closet space would be amazing but I wouldn't have the same options for getting out and about without a car. We decided to save the money (our mortgage would have doubled easily if not more) and make this house work for us.
The very long winded point I'm trying to make is that you can usually work around little issues with a home (be it space or commuting distance for daddy) but YOU will be alone with that baby most weekdays and you need to be in a neighbourhood you feel safe, happy and excited to live in. FWIW, had we moved, DH's commute would have been cut in half as well but it simply wasn't the right choice for the family.
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Old 03-07-2013, 01:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the support, and most of all, the advice, Snapdragon and skycheattraffic. Snapdragon, thank you for really giving good advice specific to my situation. I needed it!  Knowing that I will want things to be as nice for the baby as possible....that is what I thought would happen, but it is nice to have someone actually say it. "I think it is important to trust your instincts- your inner feelings such as the noise bugs you and you want somewhere better."  You are right, I need to trust my instincts.

 

One update I have, is that after going up to that area (that we are moving to....) today, I realized that I do really like it up there, and I am starting to now NOT have regrets about the decision to move. (yay!)I think this is going to be best. I am glad I made the decision. I wish I would have stood up for what I wanted more, and earlier.

 

skycheattraffic, I like that you said, "you need to be in a neighbourhood you feel safe, happy and excited to live in"  I agree with that. Again, it is just nice to hear others say things that I feel. I think the most important thing for me, is "excited."  I need to feel that excitement.....and it is something that has been lacking from my life for too long. Trust me, I've been "toughing it out" in some of these locations. Geesh, longer than I'd like to admit. You are very right about that. I need to start asking myself, "what am I excited about?" I need to stop making life so hard and serious, and starting looking out for myself more.

 

Thanks. I am going to vent some, but start another post to do it, so that no one feels like they have to read all my crazy thoughts.....but I just need somewhere to vent them, if that makes sense.

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Old 03-07-2013, 01:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My thoughts (mainly for my own reference, because for some reason, I feel that this is a safe place to vent them): (and note, not expecting anyone to read or comment!)

 

 

(Below is going to be long, but I really need a place to lay out my own thoughts. So I don't really expect anyone to read it all, unless you want to)

 

The next update is that we actually lost that other house I really liked. :( The mistake we made is that we didn't "bid" enough when applying for the lease....we asked that the rent be lowered $100, and I guess someone submitted an application who was willing to pay the asking price for the lease, which we didn't see coming. We were so surprised! I guess we couldn't have seen it coming. So in a way, I have no regrets. We did the best we could, and we were trying to save a little money. However, I think I learned my lesson, and I think next time, we won't go about it like that.

 

There are a few houses left in our price range that I like, but they are pretty few and far between. I wouldn't say I fully like them (and that is a nice way of saying, there is something wrong with them), or if I do, they are a little too much $$$. Hard to not get upset about the ones we missed out on, because these remaining ones are more expensive....but again, I just feel there was nothing we could have done, because the decision wasn't made to move then, we just weren't "there" yet.

 

But now we are. And now we also know that we do want to spend more money....we are pretty ready to just "make this happen."

 

It's hard though, ya know? We have a hard time parting with money as it is, because I am a saver not a spender. And because of how much I hate noise, how much I like my space, etc....we are paying more than most people our age, which we realize, and kind of hate! I guess that is another thing that's hard to come to terms with for both of us. We think, "wow, (my name)'s neuroses are really costing us money..."

 

I guess one question I have is, how do you decide where to draw the line on spending money on something that really takes you from not happy, to happy? We can technically "afford"/pay the rent, on some of these pricey-er places....but it's just not a good feeling to know we aren't saving much for the future, when my husband's income should be more than adequate to do that. (sorry to those who are in a rough spot and thinking, "oh, you can pay your bills and live in a nice house but aren't saving much....waah waah"). We really wanted to save for a house, so I think, "what is more important, saving for a house, or my happiness right now?"

 

I guess it's my happiness, because me being unhappy is causing ridiculous fighting between us.

 

I think my game plan is to just look at the houses that are left (still out there), and just go with my gut in choosing the best one for us. The first one didn't work out, and maybe it was for a reason.

 

Maybe the next one we find will really be good for us, who knows.

 

Thanks to anyone listening. Tomorrow is a new day!

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Old 03-07-2013, 04:46 AM
 
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I think it's really important to be able to comfortably afford where you live. Babies can be a bit pricey (depending on whether you bf, cd, use second hand clothing, etc) and while we all hope for the best, it's important to have a backup plan. For instance if your DH gets ill or hurt, how well is he covered by benefits to take time off and heal? If there's not a lot of flexibility then it's important to be able to save a bit of money each month for emergencies just in case you need it. There may be other ways to cut costs, like dropping cable and shifting that money into the rent or savings budget for instance. My point is, absolutely try your best to find a place you're happy to live BUT don't overextend yourself financially. Your rent should be at most 35% of DH's take home pay (if he's the sole source of income). That may shut the door on some lovely houses but keep your eyes open. New places come up all the time and some that may sound unappealing may surprise you. Try to keep your options open as much as possible and look into alternatives you may have missed (semis or townhouse, apartment building, apartment one one floor of larger house, etc). Try to see as many places as possible and narrow down your must haves. We've been living in a house with glaring shortcomings for over 5 years now (2 with a baby, then toddler) and a lot of the problems are made up for by the low cost of housing and lack of financial pressure. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, just pointing out that Sometimes you can get what you need (as opposed to what you think you need) for less by keeping an open mind. Good luck mama!
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Old 03-08-2013, 11:52 AM
 
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OF course only you can decide how to appropriately spend or save your money as we here don't really know your financial situation. But personally I think having a nice home and eating good food should be the things that you Do spend money on.

I think you hsould get really CLEAR about what you want- I am personally learning about how when we have lots of indecision in our minds it can be hard to make things happen. So the best thing to do is make a choice. I mean, in this type of situation.  It can be hard but then you start to see that ANY choice has good and bad consequences so sometimes it is just about deciding. I don't think not wanting to be near loud airplanes when you are about to have a baby is neurotic! I wouldn't want that either.

 I think you really want to move so in your mind tell yourself- I really want to move and I have fully decided, no more indecision. Then look and spend what you can to be in a better place.

When the baby comes they do keep you busy so moving now may be easier. But then again even if you have to move when they are little that is fine too. We moved a few times when my ds who is now almost 3 was a baby and he just adapted.

 

Good luck! If you need any good book recommendations about this kind of stuff I can pm you some- books aobut how to be happy or how to make up your mind and get what you want out of life kind of things.

 

You are right that we do have to take care of ourselves. I am happy to respond more if you want to vent more or ask more questions. Be well!!!!

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Old 03-13-2013, 02:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks!

 

I do live with a lot of regret, because I am hard on myself.

 

It would be nice if decisions didn't weight me down so much. I deal with regret once I decide something (instead of just moving on), and sometimes I put off deciding things because of fear of regret. It seems like my life is good and should be good, but I only focus on the negative. Strangely, I am not a negative person, personality-wise. It is just that I get in these obsessive funks where things weigh me down.

 

Anyways, I did PM you about the books. I definitely think I need help in this area. Both for my happiness, and my husband's.

 

We did finally sign a lease on another house. I think the money situation will be okay. We are still able to save some, it is just not as much as I would have liked. I am just finding fault at this point. I haven't been posting too much because I've been tired from all of it. Thank you for listening and understanding.

 

I am looking forward to somehow finding a way to just be happy. I spend a lot of time worrying about my husband, and (not to blame him, but..) I do think the rough times we have been through together have made me paranoid that something will take us back to that place where our relationship is not as good. However, it's not a good enough reason for me to sabotage things with worry.

 

To sum it up, I am 90% sure that moving was the right decision, but I still am not happy about it. :( Just being honest. I see the negatives of the move, not the positives, then I worry about those negatives. I am sure I sound crazy to some of you! It isn't a perfect world, and I need to get that through my head.

 

I really think having the baby coming is causing most of this, because I have no idea how I am going to take care of a baby. So I am desperately trying to make my own life as easy as possible, with the hope that it will help once baby comes. But nothing seems to be getting me to that point. I am probably shooting myself in the foot with worry. I have done this before with big changes in my life, where I scrutinize things. But hopefully the move was still the right decision. I think it was.

 

I now need to just move on. Not let this affect the rest of the pregnancy. I need to be happy. And my husband will be glad once he sees that. I need to start getting some fun clothes for exercising, positive things like that. Making my daily life as good as possible. Spend a lot of good, quality time with my husband. Go on some date nights. HAVE FUN together. Those are the things I need to be doing.

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Old 03-18-2013, 09:24 PM
 
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I feel sorry for your DH. His only wish was to be able to come home to visit his baby.

Me afro.jpg reading.gif Wife and Mom to modifiedartist.gif cat.gifdog2.gif.
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Old 03-19-2013, 10:55 AM
 
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so you did move? or do you mean you signed on to plan to move?

what kind of place did you move to?

what do you like and not like about it?

 

do you have anyone other than dh to lean on when you have the baby?

when the baby arrives you will figure it out! every new parent doesn't know what to expect and you learn as you go. It's gonna be great-!

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Old 03-19-2013, 10:59 AM
 
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Louise Hay is another good person to read. she als ohas affirmation cards which I like which give you positive thoughts to dwell on :)

It sounds to me like you are going through a big good growth spurt in your process of learning to be happy. Keep setting happiness and peace as your goal and praise yourself for the journey.

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Old 03-19-2013, 12:22 PM
 
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also-- speaking from my own personal experience right now-- some times it is okay if life feels chaotic and we are dealing with lots of internal things at once.  even in that busyness and change, we can still take moments of inner calm and peace and inner connectedness. So it is not like you have to totally get your whole life together before your baby is born. You can just try to be really loving to yourself (advice to myself too) and try to find calm moments. :)

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Old 03-20-2013, 05:47 PM
 
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Honestly, I agree with *bejeweled*. I feel sorry for your DH who I'm guessing very rarely gets his wishes honored when there's a conflict. You're probably very busy and preoccupied with baby things, but have you taken honest stock lately of who most often gets what "makes them happy"? As women, especially pregnant ones, I feel like it can be so easy to get very focused on what makes us feel good, happy, secure, comforted, at peace, etc., and we feel totally justified in that. But in the pursuit of what makes us feel more complete, are we losing track of what/who really matters? Are we inadvertently trading the person (or people) who really do complete our joy (not just happiness) for the latest product, service, or home that looks appealing??

I'm historically bad at discerning between comfort and real, lasting joy, and I have been truly selfish in that more times than I'd like to admit. So speaking from experience, it does wonders for your soul to honor DH's wishes sometimes when they conflict with yours. If you consider how you'd feel/react if he didn't support you in something big, you'll see how much it would mean to him for you to just get over the noise (or whatever the latest issue is) and stop not-picking. I realize you've already signed another lease, but look at what you typed to us. You're still not even happy! I wonder how your DH feels about giving up his joy (leaving work multiple times a week just to visit your wife and child is a really big deal!!) in an effort to please you, and you're not even pleased.

Maybe I'm ranting, but there are posts all over MDC about dads not carrying their weight or being abusive or cheating... it might do you a lot of good to truly appreciate what you have and to do all you can to foster his well being and his relationship with his child instead of seeming to care only about what you THINK you want/need. Seems like a little empathy and perspective would help with the indecisiveness.

Good luck with your living situation. I really hope you find a great place. But try not to hold out for the PERFECT place since that may take a while (perfect doesn't exist, btw). And please try to see that your DH doesn't sound selfish. He sounds like a loving, committed man who would walk to the end of the earth for you in a heartbeat. That's an amazing blessing to have, but it carries A LOT of responsibility to protect and nurture instead of exploit.

Just my experience. Take it or leave it.
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Old 03-21-2013, 05:32 AM
 
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hmmmm that seems harsh to the op- I don't see how she is being rude to her dh by trying to find ahome tha is no right next to a heavy airplane area-   I don't think she should have to sacrifice her own enjoymenof her home just so her dh can come home from work at lunch. I think she is trying to find a balance between her own needs and her family's needs and I don't think she needs to be harshed on!

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Old 03-21-2013, 03:28 PM
 
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Sorry :-)
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