Burnt out and at a turning point. (Long.) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 03-05-2013, 01:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have been slowly simmering with unhappiness for a long time and for some reason I just hit a boiling point this afternoon. I just put the kids in front of the TV (we are normally TV-free during the week) so I could sit down and write. Here's my deal. I have been a SAHM since my older child was born, nearly 7 years ago. I now have two kids, a 6.9 year old boy and a 4.4 year old girl. There have been a lot of ups and downs, it's a tough gig as you all know, but the past year and a half or so have been pretty bad. I guess I'm just looking for some advice as to what I can do to pull myself out of this slump. I'll start with my typical daily routine.

 

6:00- kids wake us up by getting into bed with us for cuddle time. If I get out of bed in time I shower.

7:00- Make breakfast, we all eat together as a family, husband leaves for work around 7:15. Scramble to make DS's lunch, get kids dressed, get out the door to catch DS's bus by 7:30. Walk back home with DD. Make beds, straighten clean up from breakfast. DD used to entertain herself while I did morning chores, lately she whines the whole time.

8:30- Leave for DD's preschool, which is 10-15 minutes away. Park, bring her in, get home around 9.

9-11:15- Varies. Sometimes grocery shopping or other errands, sometimes household chores, sometimes catch up on email, work out, or try to get some down time. Almost always alone.

11:15- leave to get DD from preschool. We get home around 11:45 and I make lunch. She no longer naps so after I clean up from lunch we have a little quiet time reading books, then I either play with her, do chores or more errands, or some combination.

3:00- walk to the busstop to pick up DS. Feed kids snack, help DS with homework, play a few games with the two of them. Then they play together while I make their dinner. I usually have to break up several fights during this time, although sometimes they play together well, esp. if it's warm enough to go outside.

5:30- Feed kids dinner, and while they eat I either clean up or start on the adult dinner. Then it's maybe another game, then bath, stories and bed.

7:00-7:30- kids go to bed. If DH comes home at his normal time, 7:15, they usually stay up a little later and play with him. If he comes home later, like at 8, I just put them to bed at 7 and he gives them a kiss when he gets home. DD goes to sleep pretty quickly, DS gets to read in bed til 8.

7:30-8:30- Make, serve, and eat dinner with DH. Sometimes something fresh, sometimes leftovers from the freezer.

8:30-9:30 or so- TV on the couch with DH. I usually go to bed before he does, exhausted. I close my eyes and wake up to do it all over again, unless I wake up at 3am with insomnia in which case I can look forward to feeling like a zombie all the next day.

 

When I write it all out like that it looks horrible to me. I spend the bulk of my time alone with a 4-year-old. She's great, but she's 4. When my kids were younger I had this great network of other SAHMs to hang out with. We'd do playdates all the time, and the moms could chat while the kids played. We'd have moms' nights outs on occasion and really bond over margaritas. Now, many of my closer friends moved away. Those left went back to work full or part time. Our older kids have such a long school day that after school play dates are difficult to manage. I have an awesome neighbor with three great kids I'd love to have over more, but she works nearly full time from home and her kids have a bazillion afterschool activities. I tried starting a hiking club on meetup to meet other SAHMs whose kids are in school in the morning. It didn't work out too well. Although it was halfway through the fall when I started it and the weather got cold fast; perhaps this spring it will pick up again. Other than that, I'm not sure what to do.

 

I feel like I have two shifts, the kid shift and then the husband shift. He used to get home at 8 and honestly I preferred it; I got the kids to bed right at 7 every night and I had an hour to myself before he got home. Now, he gets home right at the kids' bedtime, gets them all riled up, and then my kid-time is extended. Then they go to bed and I feel all this pressure to take care of him- he doesn't exactly complain if I don't make dinner, he's not a big talker, but I know it bothers him. If I do make dinner he sort of shovels it in. Either way, not very satisfying for me. Sex is similar- he wants it every night, gets it a lot less than that, and it's a sort of unspoken pressure on me either way. Both of us are too tired to talk much by the time the kids are in bed, so we just sort of zone out. It's depressing. During the week I take care of almost all the household stuff, from arranging to get broken appliances fixed to taking in the dry cleaning to getting clothes for the kids. On the weekends we relax and do family stuff. Actually I'd prefer to have more "date time" with just DH on the weekends but he wants to see the kids. The weekends feel too similar to weekdays- I'm basically always in my work place, always doing dishes and straightening and making endless snacks. By the time Sunday afternoon comes around I'm actually looking forward to monday morning, when after the rush is over I'll at least have those two hours when DD is in preschool where I can breathe.

 

Another factor is that about three years ago my mom moved to my town. She had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and moved here to be near the grandkids and us. She lived with us for 4 months which was a disaster and almost ruined my marriage. We basically had to kick her out- she didn't want to leave and wasn't looking for her own place as per the plan- and she found a pretty crappy apartment closeby. Her health is quite good, I actually think her original doctor was too conservative when he gave her 1-5 years and I think she's going to live a lot longer, which is great. But she still fatigues easily and can only do a little babysitting. We still mostly use paid sitters. The thing that's tough about having her here is her emotional dependence on me. She calls me several times a day, either just to chat or to ask advice. She wants advice on EVERYTHING, from emailing a document to finding a place to buy a printer to what recipe to make for dinner. She's always been a really dependent person, but before she moved here she mostly called other people (like my sister) for this kind of daily chatter. She is an alcoholic who secretly still actively drinks, and a "secret" smoker. When she goes away, like to visit her brother across the country, I feel this huge weight lifted. Having her here is like having a third child, but one who is an adult and I can't really control anything they do.

 

I used to work part-time as a doula and that fell apart too. The on-call nature of it just didn't mesh with being a SAHM. I had all these panicky days where I'd have a mom possibly in labor and a child with a stomach virus and I'd be praying the kid would get better before the labor began. My DH was supportive of my becoming a doula (got trained after DS was born) and said he'd come home from work if I couldn't get a sitter for a birth, but it didn't work out that way. He works in the city, an hour away at least depending on the train schedule, and his job is not amenable to his leaving at a moment's notice. It didn't make sense for the breadwinner to put his job in jeopardy so I could make $300 for 14 hours' work. But when I stopped attending births I also lost the whole birth community I'd come to know and love. I feel weird going to the meetings when I'm no longer actively working as a doula. It was something that took me outside of my SAHM role, and I loved it, but I just couldn't sustain it.

 

So here I am- I have basically no friends, my relationship with my husband is strained, I'm sick of my kids, sick of housework, sick of having no time to myself yet paradoxically being so incredibly lonely. Any ideas?


SAHM to 6.5yo DS and 4yo DD. PCOS with two early m/cs. Married 8 yrs. Certified birth doula, writer, editor.

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#2 of 22 Old 03-05-2013, 04:06 PM
 
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My first thought is could you go out on weekends so you get to spend family time together but aren't always at home. And perhaps DH could take the kids out at weekends or you could go out by yourself sometimes. So you get a break and DH gets to see the kids. My sanity is preserved by DH taking our LO on regular outings so I can have some alone time.

Can you use your doula training in a more SAHM-friendly way? Could you offer a post-natal doula service and visit mums while your LOs are at school. Or do childbirth education classes or parenting or breastfeeding classes one evening a week? Even just exploring these options would give you a pretext to re-enter the birthing community.

Trying to revive the walking group when the weather is better sounds good.

Could you do a yoga (or art or sewing or whatever you fancy) class one morning while your DD is at preschool? Get out of the house, have some you time and maybe meet new people as well.

That's all I can think of for now. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

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#3 of 22 Old 03-05-2013, 05:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Katelove. I do think it would be good if I started some kind of part-time work. That will be even more feasible when DD starts kindergarten in the fall. For right now, I'm not sure how I could really fit it in. The two hours DD is in school go by so quickly, and I always have so much household stuff to do.

 

Going out on weekends is always good. I always feel better after an outing, especially if we get outside and get into nature. And I think I should start making more plans with friends in the evenings and weekends. I keep hoping to build more of a social life during the day like I used to have but it just isn't happening.

 

I have a lot going on healthwise too. Just adopted a cat and found out I've developed an allergy after a lifetime of cat ownership. Am on daily claritin and sometimes sudafed while I get the weekly shots to hopefully get rid of the allergy. I just started the birth control pill after 15 years off it. I'm waiting on bloodwork results from an endocrinologist because I think there's something hormonally off with me. And tomorrow I have an ultrasound to check out ovarian pain I've been having. I just feel like kind of a mess. I keep trying to stick to a diet and exercise plan and failing. I just feel like there's no time or energy to take care of myself. Hopefully I can turn it around.
 


SAHM to 6.5yo DS and 4yo DD. PCOS with two early m/cs. Married 8 yrs. Certified birth doula, writer, editor.

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#4 of 22 Old 03-06-2013, 02:31 PM
 
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Big hugs Katielady! I'm much more of a rookie (DD is turning 2 at the end of the month and baby is due in July) but I so feel your frustration and fatigue. This time of the year is particularly bad since the weather keeps us cooped up so much and nasty bugs are so easy to catch. When I can get out with DD, it is SO much better though. My one suggestion is to do an activity outside the home between you pick up your DD and when you need to get DS (so noonish to 2:30 or so). It would mean packing lunch and "eating out" which could be a fun change of pace. I don't know what your community is like but we have a library and a literacy centre nearby where moms and kids go for a change of scenery. In fact that's how I met a very dear mommy friend of mine even though our kids are different ages (her little girl is four).
My other idea is that maybe you could get someone into the home (perhaps even your mom if that's possible) to watch the kids after bedtime so you and DH can go out to dinner and reconnect. It's easy to get bogged down in the day to day routine and DH and I need to regularly leave the house together without DD (even if it's something like getting groceries).
I gotta run but thought I'd send support and maybe an idea your way. I admire your strength since I'm a much newer SAHM and do find it so hard.
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#5 of 22 Old 03-07-2013, 01:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Big hugs Katielady! I'm much more of a rookie (DD is turning 2 at the end of the month and baby is due in July) but I so feel your frustration and fatigue. This time of the year is particularly bad since the weather keeps us cooped up so much and nasty bugs are so easy to catch. When I can get out with DD, it is SO much better though. My one suggestion is to do an activity outside the home between you pick up your DD and when you need to get DS (so noonish to 2:30 or so). It would mean packing lunch and "eating out" which could be a fun change of pace. I don't know what your community is like but we have a library and a literacy centre nearby where moms and kids go for a change of scenery. In fact that's how I met a very dear mommy friend of mine even though our kids are different ages (her little girl is four).
My other idea is that maybe you could get someone into the home (perhaps even your mom if that's possible) to watch the kids after bedtime so you and DH can go out to dinner and reconnect. It's easy to get bogged down in the day to day routine and DH and I need to regularly leave the house together without DD (even if it's something like getting groceries).
I gotta run but thought I'd send support and maybe an idea your way. I admire your strength since I'm a much newer SAHM and do find it so hard.


That's a good idea. There's a "movement" class, basically ballet for tots, at the YMCA that I've toyed with the idea of signing her up for. The timing would work with DS's bus.

 

I'm doing worse the past few days. I think I may be depressed. I wonder how much of my emotional state is coming from the birth control pill I just started, Yaz. It's supposed to be the best one for women with PCOS but one of the possible side effects is depression. If I still feel like this after the second pack I may stop it and see if I improve. I just feel so blah. I feel like there is a backlog of things I need to do that's a mile long and I can't possibly do all of it, so I might as well do none of it. The prospect of deciding what to make my kids for dinner tonight is sending me into a tailspin. My son is a picky eater bordering on pathologic...he has sensory issues and eating is a huge problem area for him, plus we are trying him on a gluten-free diet which limits options even further. I am just sick of being responsible for other people's eating. I wish I could go away for a week and just only have to care for myself.


SAHM to 6.5yo DS and 4yo DD. PCOS with two early m/cs. Married 8 yrs. Certified birth doula, writer, editor.

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#6 of 22 Old 03-08-2013, 01:11 PM
 
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I hear you mama!  I think the depression you are in a really common for sahm's.  I am in and out of it myself.  You mentioned a lot of things that are extra stressors in your life right now- the loss of your dd's nap is probably a big deal.  

Somehow you need to make space for yourself in the family structure.  Can your mom come over for 2 hours a few days a week while you lock yourself in your bedroom or bathroom and chill/do yoga/bathe?  Can you share with anyone close to you that you are feeling unwell and need support while you work to get better?  Can you hire a mother's helper or babysitter?  Take an exercise class that includes child care?  Can you reach out to an old doula friend that has kids and ask her if she wants to join you and your kids at the park?

I feel like when I am in this space only I can get myself out of it.  No one else seems to understand.  Of course this is extremely difficult when feeling sad and overwhelmed.  Try to do one thing for yourself today.  Hugs.  

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#7 of 22 Old 03-11-2013, 12:32 PM
 
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It sounds like you have a lot of needs going unmet, I'd start with one that would be the best place to start for me: more time for you. I can definitely understand your DH's desire to spend time with the kids on the weekend with his long commute, have him take the kids out or do stuff at home with the kids while you go out for a couple hours each weekend. Then do something you want to do, either alone or with a friend(s). And the kids getting their dad alone is great too, it's nice to get that one-parent interaction with each parent. If you have something really pressing, use some of the time to do that, but try to devote most/all of the time to doing something purely recharging/fun for you. I think if you get that time, it will help give you the energy to tackle some of the rest of it. And yes, getting out of the house on the weekends is a great idea so you don't feel like you are stuck at "work" all weekend.

With you Mom, that's hard, but I would probably try and set some gentle limits with her. Don't always answer her calls or answer and say that you are busy at the moment, but she could call (suggest someone) now or she can call back at X time. I'm not suggesting completely shutting her down, but I think doing what you can to make yourself a little less available should encourage her to reach out to others so you aren't feeling the weight so much.

For you and DH, can you plan one night a week or every other week that you do something a little more special during your night time? Even if it is just getting fun takeout, baking something, eating ice cream, playing a card/board game, etc. Something where you can interact and have some fun. If a sitter is a possibility, you can have more of a "real" date night out if you want to. You need to reconnect with your DH and I'm sure he wants to reconnect with you and probably isn't sure how (except maybe for sex which if you are like me, I need the emotional connection first, he may be fine with the physical connection first so try to look at it as a way he is trying to connect to you.)

And planning something once a month (at first I think this is a good goal, more if you are up for it as you go) with friends to come over and do something or get a sitter and go out and do something is good to do too. It gets you and DH interacting with each other more and you especially with other adults so you don't feel like your main company is a 4-year-old. Nothing against 4-year-olds at all, but it isn't the same as adult company!

And joining something with you and DD sounds like a great idea too, hopefully you can meet another mom or two and build your SAHM network back up. And I would definitely start a plan for working part-time once DD is in kindergarten, I think post-partum doula services are a great thing to consider and if you start planning now you can probably have clients lined up and ready to go as soon as she starts. And if you have a plan, reconnection to your birth-network seems less awkward to me and it sounds like that was a great social network for you.

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#8 of 22 Old 03-16-2013, 08:34 AM
 
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((((Hugs))))hug2.gif


I agree with the others that mention more you time and get away from the house on weekends with or without your family.  Thank goodness spring is around the corner so you'll be able to get outdoors as much as possible, which seems to b e very beneficial for you.  And going to places which are child friendly in your community that other families frequent could give you a chance to meet some new people who like the same parks, playgrounds and hiking trails that you and yours like.


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#9 of 22 Old 03-16-2013, 08:56 AM
 
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1) See a therapist. Find yourself . You are not just mother and wife, you are multitude of other things.

 

2) Think of career path. Perhaps go  back to school part time. You child can be in longer preshool day, so you can take 1-2 classes

 

3) Get a hobby. An adult hobby. Go once a week to book club, yoga class, underwater basket weaving

 

4) Have a talk with your DH. When he get home, he should bath the kids and put them to bed. This is his kid time. You should rest. A rested woman usually feel sexier

 

5) Two dinners? Why would you do it to yourself. Cook one dinner. Feed kids, then eat the rest with DH. Better yet, start slowly moving dinner time up, so in a year or 2, you all can eat dinner as family at 7.

 

 

Please, do not  fall into a trap "no, this will not work, and thing will not because".  Until you change some things, you will continue to feel the same way all the way to divorce.

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#10 of 22 Old 03-16-2013, 09:07 AM
 
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5) Two dinners? Why would you do it to yourself. Cook one dinner. Feed kids, then eat the rest with DH. Better yet, start slowly moving dinner time up, so in a year or 2, you all can eat dinner as family at 7.

 

 

truedat.gif  I mean to say that too but by the time I got to the end of your post I had forgotten about it.  The two dinners thing is insane, but I get it, and I do that sometimes too when I want to make a meal I love that I know would go over very poorly with my picky eating children.  But everyday?  I'm so sorry you have a kid who is picky to the extreme, that is exhausting playing short order cook in the family.


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#11 of 22 Old 03-16-2013, 01:32 PM
 
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Majority of picky children are created by parents. Small minority has sensory or muscle issues.

 

Parents are not short order cooks.  Lay down the law "If you do not  eat something of what I made, take an apple and go to bed".

 

Consistent message.

 

I never in my life made 2 dinners

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#12 of 22 Old 03-16-2013, 05:04 PM
 
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Majority of picky children are created by parents. Small minority has sensory or muscle issues.

Parents are not short order cooks.  Lay down the law "If you do not  eat something of what I made, take an apple and go to bed".

Consistent message.

I never in my life made 2 dinners

How do you know which kids are picky and which have issues? Oh, right you can't know from looking. I had no idea my two boys had ASD until my oldest was 7. It's a good thing I was concerned enough to look more deeply rather than just deny them food.

1 in 33 people today have sensitivity to gluten. That is a pretty high number.

I am in favor of strong boundaries, but I guess I feel triggered by "my way or the highway tactics."

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#13 of 22 Old 03-17-2013, 04:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Alenushka, I found your comments about my son's eating to be overly blaming and harsh. I didn't get into a lot of detail about it in my OP but my son does have genuine issues for which he has received therapy. I worried for years that I had somehow done it to him. And of course, I hear all the time from others that it is my fault. I have tried anything and everything, including the harsh "eat it or else" approach you recommend. Then my daughter came along, who will eat anything with gusto, and I realized it's really not me, it's him. Anyway, I thank you for your earlier post and for taking the time to think about my situation. But I would ask that you be careful with your tone in threads like this. When a mother is asking for mental health help from strangers on a message board, it's safe to infer that she is in a pretty bad way. Blaming and shaming are not likely to make her feel better.

 

Thanks, everyone, for your kind suggestions. I have been focusing this week on finding a "vacation camp" for the kids for spring break. I feel like if I could get some nice blocks of time to myself I could make more of a plan to fix the other stuff. So far I haven't come up with one that works- either they don't take 4yos, or if they do it's only a half day, which with a 20 minute drive each way would not afford me enough of a break to be worth it. Going to try again Monday, and then look into babysitters as a Plan B. I think a class is a great idea, and I can research that once I get some time to myself. Exercise will help a lot, I know. I'm joining a local gym this week. So, that's a start.

 

The dinner thing is a real pickle. It's not just my son's pickiness that has resulted in this schedule, it's also just a timing issue. My husband walks in the door maybe at 7:10, sometimes 7:30. We tried having dinner all together at that time and it was a disaster. My husband is unwilling to sit in a chair and start stuffing food into his mouth the moment he walks in the door, which I do understand. By the time he changes his clothes and gets settled, we're starting to eat at maybe 7:30 or 7:45. Then we do the whole bedtime routine, and the kids are all riled up because they want to play with their dad. They don't end up actually in bed asleep until like 8:30 or later. I know that's the normal bedtime for a lot of families but it doesn't work for us. My kids need more sleep than that. And I hate having my day extended this way. Even if DH takes over, I can't truly relax until they are in bed. Oh and there's no way he would be willing to take over 100% of kid duties every night, nor do I think it's fair to ask him to do so. He works a really long day too, just as I do. It seems unfair to ask him to come home from a long day of work and then I get to relax while he goes right into kid caring mode. Right now we tend to work together to take care of the kids at night and I think that's fine. It's a long day for both of us, any way you slice it. In my area, with its log commute times and long working hours, a LOT of families do dinner like we do, with one for the kids and one for the parents. It is far from ideal but it's one possible solution to a complex quality of life balancing issue. Many families choose to go the stay up til 9 all together route, it just doesn't work for us.

 

ANYWAY...so if I need to feed the kids at 5:30, maybe I can start trying to make more one-pot meals that can easily be reheated when DH comes home. I'll work on it. And I can talk with DH about it. Maybe as an experiment we can try having me eat with the kids as a "family dinner" minus him on weekdays, and then I'll save a plate for him. Honestly I think it would be much better for my weight if I ate earlier. And I know it's better for my kids, esp the pickiness issue, if I actually sit and eat with them.

 

Thanks again for all the support. I really appreciate it.
 


SAHM to 6.5yo DS and 4yo DD. PCOS with two early m/cs. Married 8 yrs. Certified birth doula, writer, editor.

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#14 of 22 Old 03-17-2013, 04:54 AM
 
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ANYWAY...so if I need to feed the kids at 5:30, maybe I can start trying to make more one-pot meals that can easily be reheated when DH comes home. I'll work on it. And I can talk with DH about it. Maybe as an experiment we can try having me eat with the kids as a "family dinner" minus him on weekdays, and then I'll save a plate for him. Honestly I think it would be much better for my weight if I ate earlier. And I know it's better for my kids, esp the pickiness issue, if I actually sit and eat with them.
 
I think this will save you a lot of headache and would certainly be the way I'd handle dinner. This way if you need to make something additional for your DS, it will be done at the same time as the family meal. Your DH sounds involved with his kids and I'm sure he will agree that having dinner later by himself is not the end of the world - his family needs to eat and if he can't be home at that time, he will simply eat when he can. This would be a nonissue at my house. You can have nice family dinners on weekends and the odd time, for special occasions (anniversary, birthday, etc) you could wait and dine with DH.
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#15 of 22 Old 03-17-2013, 11:14 AM
 
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I am sorry your son has issues, but 99% of picky kids do not not. And gluten sensitivity is way way overstated. It is new fad which will pass.

 

Yes, dinner together is not possible sometime, but making one dinner is totally is. I know because my child had sever allergy and we still managed to eat one dinner.

 

 You do not need to torture yourself.

 

Let your husband be with kids. Go somewhere while he baths and plays with them. 7.30-8.30 is really not a huge difference. They will shift their clocks.

 

This is really a typical gate-keeping behavior which only Leeds to bad things for mom.

 

Go, got at 7.30 to a yoga class, paining class, movie, dinner with a child free GF anything. Just leave the house and have time to yourself by yourself  or with other people. Let your husband parent and be involved. Perhaps he will be more willing to have a date on the week end once he had more time with his own kids.

 

It is fair to ask him to be with kid at leas three evening a night. Why is not fair? SAHM, according to themselves and what I see around me  work really hard, right? So, he has long day and you have long day, so you split evenings 50/50. Sounds fair to me.

 

Plus, switching form a day at work to being with kids is not burden. It is sweet relief to be with children one loves. Rest is not being in bed, rest is change of activities.

 

 

If you want something better for yourself , you need to change your life, or as my 17 year old says "Hack your life!"

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#16 of 22 Old 03-18-2013, 06:31 PM
 
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I only read the original post so far. But one thing that jumped right out at me is that it seems you are mostly parenting alone. And that your dh is gone way too much! Can he switch jobs, work less hours, work closer to home, HELP you more?

 

I am lucky that my dh works only 15 mins from home and not super long hours. He is home before 5 every day. And we have one kid- and dh takes the kid much of the time he is home. So I get balance. In your situation you are doing all the parenting and housework and your dh is working out of the hose - so that is a very unbalanced situation. Too much responsibility for you- I wish your dh could help more. HOw do you feel about him working so much and such long hours away from you? do you wish he would  work less and help wih the fmaily life more? I know some dads don't even help that much even if they are around-- would your dh help more if he was home more?

 

I thin kboth parents ideally need to share the burden of childraising as much as they can and bond together as a united front to help eachother. I now that is not always possible for many reasons but in your story that is the #1 thing I see- your dh somewhere else while you have to do it all.

 

As for other activities- I would say focus on down time now more than other activities. If your kids see other kids at school they probably get enough socializing. Can you get any kind of childcare so you can get more alone time? Maybe if you had more alone time you could even find the space to try to cultivate more friendships and do other htings you want to do.

 

sorr for stating the obvious here- but it ust seems like you are doing ALL you can do- so the problem is not that you are doing anything worng or should be doing more. The problem is someone needs to hep you more so you can do less----

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#17 of 22 Old 03-18-2013, 06:39 PM
 
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I read one of your thoughts on there where you said you just want to go away for a week- I think you SHOULD have that right- to go away and take care of yourself. I understand that is not always realistic. But it made me think of this book I read recently which I thought was great called Nine months by Paula Bomer in which a woman pregnant with her third kid- and overwhelmed w- responsibility- up and leaves her kids with her husband (sneaks away while they are at school) for  a couple of months-~ and it is a really good book perhaps you would like it.

 

I think you simply need to find someone t help you carry the heavy load so you CAN take care of yourself. Either your dh or a babysitter perhaps.

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#18 of 22 Old 03-18-2013, 07:19 PM
 
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Re: picky eaters  . . . I just want to let the OP know that it can eventually change.  I have two that would choose to go to be without eating when I made something for dinner that they didn't want to eat.  DH and I were never picky eaters so I talked with my brother and other friends who were.  There were many reasons they didn't want to eat certain things, but what I came away with was the fact that everyone I know who ate a very limited diet as a kid - and had parents who didn't create a big power struggle over that fact - are now adults who cook and enjoy a wide range of foods.

 

My 13 year old actually asked to try fish last night.  Wow!  

My 8 year old spontaneously put lettuce in her taco tonight.  Double Wow!

 

(these are kids that used to live on rice, beans, seasoned seaweed and apples)

 

I totally support you having a 5:30 meal time so those kids can get to bed AND I support the idea of one meal with husband eating when he gets home.  We have to do this at our house too.  It's tough being a single parent even when you technically are not one.  Hang in there, spring is around the corner!!

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#19 of 22 Old 03-18-2013, 07:55 PM
 
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The one detail that popped out at me was the double dose of morning drop-offs.  I know very little about these things, but does your DD's preschool have an early drop-off option so you could get them both off to school in one fell swoop? 

 

And I second and third the "making one dinner" advice.  We have very similar meal timing in our house, and even though my DD IS pretty picky, I make at least some version of the regular meal for her.  Works out okay. 

 

My suggestion would be to ditch the kids and husband for at least half of one weekend day.  Because I KNOW exactly how you feel about the weekends.  In my house it just means that I cook meals and then clean up from them all. day. long. 

 

It also sounds like you have so many loose ends out there of good connections and hobbies and whatnot that you used to have.  There must be something here you can salvage?  I know it's hard to ask people for their time when you know they're busy, but...you're busy, and it doesn't make you fulfilled or satisfied.  I'll bet a lot of your busy friends could be feeling that way, too, and would really welcome your overtures. 

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#20 of 22 Old 03-18-2013, 11:34 PM
 
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Have you had your thyroid checked? Some of the feelings you mentioned made me think of thyroid issues. And being on the pill could be making it worse. When I had undiagnosed hashimotos thyroiditis, one of the weird symptoms was ovary pain and crazy messed up periods. No one could figure out what was wrong with me and they wanted to put me on the pill. I said no. I literally had to move out of state and go to a naturopath before I could get a diagnosis. Everyone also said I was depressed. Well, I was but a lot of it had to do with feeling like crape all the time. When I got on the right treatment. I felt SO MUCH BETTER!! Some of my weird symptoms were: weight gain, rashes, ovary pain, irregular periods, headaches and back pain. Also, I got some new food intolerances.

Not sure if this is helpful to you but I thought I should mention it. All, well most, of the other advice you are getting is great! Good luck.

Wife to one amazing husband superhero.gif, SAHM to DS bouncy.gif 10/09, DS babyboy.gif 10/19,  one furbaby dog2.gif, and lots of chicken3.gif!

 
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#21 of 22 Old 03-20-2013, 08:35 PM
 
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First of all, Hugs!  You've gotten some good advice already but I thought I'd chime in anyhow. 

Before I forget I do want to say that the pill certainly made me feel more stressed, overwhelmed and out of balance.  So while I understand that you are on it to bring some other things under control it certainly might be contributing.  I remember when I went off the pill and realizing that I felt SO much more balanced within a couple weeks.  (Again, it might not be the same for you, but it might be contributing.)  I also find that 5-HTP helps during times like you are describing. 

 

It sounds like maybe sitting down and sort of laying it all out for your DH might be helpful.  Like other mentioned, letting him know that you are missing that time to breath.  I think PPs idea of having a weekend time where you can go and he can have time with the kids is a great idea!  I recently had to talk to my DH and tell him that I NEEDED to have some time out for me each week and he has been great (most of the time) about making sure I get that.   I get edgy with everyone if I don't.  ;/ 

 

DH and I often struggle with making conversation in the evenings too.  It can be hard when DH is not a talker and you are both tired!  Sometimes I just have to tell him, nicely, "I am feeling disconnected right now, can we work on that."  That's his cue to work a little harder at talking with me and sharing his life.  I think he's learned by now that he is usually rewarded for his "work" in that area.  Most women need to feel an emotional connection before sex!  Sometimes I have to remind myself that just like sex can at first seem like work for me, so can opening up for him.  

Maybe talk about some at-home "date nights" too.  There are lots of ideas for them on pinterest.  

 

As far as the kids fighting while you are trying to make dinner:  Can you have them help you?  My kids fight like that too and it drives me nuts.  If I can give them each some part in the meal prep they do better.  Maybe they can trade off nights where one sets the table and the other helps cook.


Becky- Wife to DH, Mama to "Nani" (July '08) "Coco" (July '10) and expecting one very wiggly baby boy in May 2013!

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#22 of 22 Old 03-20-2013, 08:47 PM
 
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Hugs.


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