No mom friends. Lonely and tired. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 6 Old 03-15-2013, 12:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just want to vent a little, so here goes.

I don't have any mom friends. Last July we moved from NYC to a small town in Virginia and I haven't met any other moms here who I click with at all. A lot of the moms I meet have lived here their entire lives and already have lots of friends. In New York, we could just show up at any park, museum or library and find other kids to play with and people to see. Here I almost never find anyone during the week. It's like a desert. There also are precious few activities available here, and no museums.

My three year old hasn't had a single play date since we moved here. She is in half time preschool, so she isn't totally bereft of playmates. I guess the problem is me. I don't have any friends here, and my husband is often away for a week or more at a time. Sometimes I don't talk to any adults, except briefly at dd's school, the entire time he's away.

I go to a MOPs international group, which I enjoy, but I feel that I have Nothing in common with the moms there. I am not a Southern Christian for one thing, and I just feel like an awkward alien.

I've never had a lot of friends, but I've always had a few. I am feeling so tired of mothering all alone and just wish I could sometimes have a friend to share my day with or someone for my daughter to play with at the park. It's hardest now because its been too cold to stay outside and I am just hopeless at filling up our 8 hours alone together everyday. But even when the weather is nice, we still have to play at the park alone almost every time. I really miss museums that we could both enjoy. There is even a community swimming pool here, and last summer there were never any kids there either, even though there are a lot of children in our neighborhood. Where are they hiding?

Has anyone else moved and had trouble making friends?

WAHM to Sofia 12/09 and angel1.gif 4/13

 

"If you want to be happy, be."  Tolstoy

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#2 of 6 Old 03-16-2013, 08:04 AM
 
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Big hugs mama; that sounds so lonely! I moved before I had kids and had to start over for a social circle. Then when I had DD, I had to start over again. Lucky for me, I moved to a fair sized city (half a million in population) so there are a fair number of programs and places to go. I made some great friends when DD was an infant but they all work FT now and I rarely see them. My one SAHM friend I met at the library. We just showed up to check things out and our kids started playing. Are there libraries in your area? The ones around here generally have a decent kids' area and usually have a few families playing there. I find it so bizzarre that playgrounds are deserted where you live. Is it a more affluent area where most houses have room for a swingset? That may explain where the kids are. We live in the city core and live near one of the biggest parks and once the temperature is above freezing, all the kids come out of the woodwork. Winters can get super lonely though so I feel you mama!
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#3 of 6 Old 03-16-2013, 04:58 PM
 
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Yes! I totally commiserate. We moved when I was pregnant, from a city (outside of NYC) to the middle of nowhere. I basically spent my entire pregnancy by myself at home, because I was so sick and incapacitated the whole time. So, I didn't meet anyone then. After I had my baby, I went to a few groups but they were all 40+ minutes away which meant it was difficult to get there and anyone I met lived too far away for it to be reasonable for us to be friends/hang out. I have exchanged phone numbers with a bunch of mamas I've met along the way, but have never actually had any of them work out--either I have been the one to take their number but didn't call because I didn't feel like we clicked at all, or they have asked for my number and never called.

 

I also live in an area where everyone has been here their whole lives and have plenty of friends. It's difficult to break into people's well-established circles. I think it requires being a little more outgoing or forward than you are used to/comfortable with. That's something I'm working on myself...

 

And mothering alone is so very difficult and lonely. I totally feel you! Hang in there! I have heard the whole "hang out at a library" thing a million times like the other mama here suggested. I've heard it's a good place to meet people. I have yet to try it but will soon. Keep looking for groups. I feel lucky because one just started up the street so I'm finally meeting women that live in my town and I hope I'll eventually make friends that way. Don't feel like you are the only one though! It's hard to start over in a new place! Give it time. And hopefully when the weather warms up you'll start running into more people!

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#4 of 6 Old 03-16-2013, 05:05 PM
 
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It's easy to feel like an outsider and it sounds like you've had a tough transition! Something that's always helped me is to focus on the similarities instead of the differences. We all come from different walks of life and even the best of friends will have conflicting beliefs at some point. I think what's really helped me is to keep an open mind and heart and remember that we are all craving intimacy and even if I disagree with someone over some things, we can still learn a lot from each other. Mommy hood can feel really lonely. It helps to remember that we are all in the same place as mamas - kinda lost and wondering what the heck we are supposed to do sometimes!
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#5 of 6 Old 03-16-2013, 08:26 PM
 
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If you are looking more for friends for you, have you tried looking for some groups based around your interests (ie. Knitting, running, hiking...)? Try searching for your town on meetup.com. I have found that it is more important to me to meet like minded friends than just other moms. I have enjoyed having mom friends, but after a while it got hard if we couldn't relate in some other way.

We have moved around every 1-2 years since Dd (4.5) was born, and it usually takes me about 6 months to make friends, and up to a year or more to find ones I really could relate with. I hope this helps, it is really hard to find friends as an adult.
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#6 of 6 Old 03-17-2013, 03:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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mtbmomma - I have! I recently joined an orchestra that meets once a week which I've been enjoying. That and the MOPs group do help, but I really want someone to have playdates with. The long afternoons were killing me, but just after I wrote this post, crying, I started looking at science projects to do with preschoolers and started doing a couple immediately with DD and we had a wonderful afternoon. My husband is back now too, and I'm having less morning sickness, so I'm feeling much more cheerful!

As to everyone elses kind advice, I think I just need to wait to find a friend. It took maybe 9 months at our last house, but it did happen eventually. We do go to the library twice a week (i'm a book lover!) but there are almost never any kids there, and if there are, they are generally a few years older. I met my last friend at a library storytime, but since my DD is in school in the morning, we can't go to any of the storytimes here. I did take her to a few before school started and there were only 2-3 kids there, as opposed to the 15-25 we were used to in NY. I think all the kids here are in daycare greensad.gif. In NY more than half were with nannies, but I don't think any were in daycare. At least they were around to play with.

WAHM to Sofia 12/09 and angel1.gif 4/13

 

"If you want to be happy, be."  Tolstoy

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