DH has much less patience - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 42 Old 04-17-2013, 01:43 PM
 
gitanamama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: High desert or Peruvian coast
Posts: 521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Puma- I agree that current paradigm is totally off-base. We still cling to this vision of the perfect nuclear family from Leave it to Beaver, when that doesn't seem to work for most of us. But it sure is hard to break free from that mindset!!

 

Gracecody- I'm trying to figure out what changes we can make so that our lifestyle can be closer to my "vision." We live in my hometown, and after 4 years here, DH still doesn't have any close friends (or any friends at all, actually!) I know this contributes to his stress but I don't know what to do to help. Our hope is to move back to DH's home country in the next few years-- he has lots of friends there, I have support from his mom and a few friends (although not as much as I have here, living close to my family) and life is just much more communal-- closer to what I think would work best for us. But financially, I don't know when we'll be able to do this. It's looking more like 5 years away-- and I wonder if we can hold onto our marriage as is for that long. We do spend 2 months a year there, which helps as a stress-relief valve, but it's not enough....

 

I know that DH would be happier if he had friends here, but it's similar to a lot of factors in our relationship-- I can see that he wants friends and needs to reach out to make that happen, I can express that to him, but beyond that, I can't do anything. I have to accept that he's responsible for his own happiness and mental health, which is hard, since his unhappiness and stress affects us all and might ultimately break our family. 


~may all beings be free from suffering~
gitanamama is offline  
#32 of 42 Old 04-21-2013, 04:07 PM
 
bellyfruit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 87
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

This is a great discussion.  I struggle with the same issues.  The book, 'Why talking is not enough: eight loving actions that will transform your marriage' by Susan Page, is really helping me get in touch with how I want my love relationship to be.  And helping me come to terms with what I do not have control over.

bellyfruit is offline  
#33 of 42 Old 04-23-2013, 10:34 AM
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 468
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 26 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by bellyfruit View Post

helping me come to terms with what I do not have control over.

 

This was a very big issue for me.

 

It seemed that as a woman I was supposed to be the torch-bearer and sacrifice for an ideal that no one else believed in.

 

It worked better for me to live realistically. This meant abandoning ideals that were not realistic, such as "the man who is my friend and lover will also be a good father."

 

I wish I had had more support in raising my child, and I used to feel that this should come from the father or men. Now I believe that this should come from *whomever is best able*, such as a group of women as g-mama describes. I think she has given one of the most promising concepts of child rearing that I've seen in awhile.

 

I only came to this realization half way through the process and there was a lot of suffering for me and my daughter because of it. I wish I'd been able to do things differently but I was unable to realize what was happening. I was entirely absorbed in the paradigm and how it worked/didn't work. Not in how I could raise my child and live my life beautifully and well.

BeckyBird likes this.
pumabearclan is offline  
#34 of 42 Old 04-24-2013, 06:49 AM
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 468
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 26 Post(s)

Just saw this in the news today:

 

During an interview earlier this month, Mrs. Obama accidentally described herself as a "busy single mother" before quickly correcting the record, and adding: "You know, when you've got the husband who's president, it can feel a little single -- but he's there."

 

Obama said that while he was busy campaigning in 2012, Michelle "was still working and having to look after the girls. And she definitely, I think, understands the burdens that women in particular tend to feel if they're both responsible for child rearing and they're responsible for working at the same time."

pumabearclan is offline  
#35 of 42 Old 04-25-2013, 07:55 AM
 
gitanamama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: High desert or Peruvian coast
Posts: 521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by PumaBearclan View Post

 

I wish I had had more support in raising my child, and I used to feel that this should come from the father or men. Now I believe that this should come from *whomever is best able*, 

 

I only came to this realization half way through the process and there was a lot of suffering for me and my daughter because of it. I wish I'd been able to do things differently but I was unable to realize what was happening. I was entirely absorbed in the paradigm and how it worked/didn't work. Not in how I could raise my child and live my life beautifully and well.

 

The heat of our "rough" patch has passed, and as I've sat with all of this for the past week or so, it's become clear that I need to reach out to other support systems-- like you said Puma. DH is a great father and husband a lot of the time-- he's been stellar this week-- but I don't think either one of us excels, or is necessarily content, with the nuclear-family life that we've fallen into. We both miss community on a deep level-- so deep that it's usually not evident as the source of our tension. It's easy to feel impatient and strained when you're parenting and partnering in a vacuum. I also suspect that DH battles with ADD or ADHD-- although it's never been diagnosed and he won't even consider the option. 

 

I'm struggling with how to grow our community and support system. Both DH and I are really introverted-- we each have a few close friends (his just happen to be halfway across the world...) but struggle to reach out to new people. I love the idea of a communal living situation, but I don't know how to make that happen. My goal for the next month or so is to get out more-- family trips to the farmer's market or a stroll downtown in the evenings-- and more date nights! I think even just being around other people might help us feel less isolated and tense. Definitely not a solution, but something.....

 

I've also been reading Byron Katie's work and trying to absorb it. I can recognize that my thoughts are what make me suffer-- I want DH to be different (more patient) and when he isn't, it drives me crazy-- but I have a really hard time letting go of those expectations of him.

 

How are things going MrsBone? Have you guys started the home course?  

pumabearclan likes this.

~may all beings be free from suffering~
gitanamama is offline  
#36 of 42 Old 05-04-2013, 12:58 PM
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 468
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 26 Post(s)

I have gotten some good inspiration from Byron Katie. I don't agree with all her positions, but acceptance is at the heart of all Eastern and many Western spiritual systems. I followed much the same path as you are treading.

 

I have used Nature and Archetypes as support systems. To this day my daughter and I are very rooted in both. By Archetypes I mean the holy Mother and the eternal Father in whatever way you identify with them.

 

Good luck and best wishes always

 

Puma
 

pumabearclan is offline  
#37 of 42 Old 05-06-2013, 06:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
MrsBone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Oak Point, TX
Posts: 1,184
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We had a date night kids spending the night two weeks in a row and let me say, that's helped a lot! Haven't started the course yet. Hopefully tomorrow
pumabearclan likes this.

DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)

MrsBone is offline  
#38 of 42 Old 05-23-2013, 08:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
MrsBone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Oak Point, TX
Posts: 1,184
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We are on week 2 of the course. There's a lot of recommended reading and a lot of homework. We haven't followed it to a T but we are listening to the audio and are currently working on getting our 4 year old to stay in bed all night so there's some sleep deprivation going on right now. We agreed that getting him to stay in bed all night will help with his patience with the kids. Every time DS wakes at night he comes in our rooms, wakes us both up. I get up with him and DH wakes and has a hard time getting back to sleep, so by the end of the day he's cranky and tired and has little patience. By the weekend he's so tired that he doesn't want to take his meds because they'll force him to work on projects when he should be sleeping to catch up so he is ADHD dad on the weekends and isnt getting stuff done because hes too tired. DH is having a hard time with his relationship with DS because he's so full of resentment with the lack of sleep he's getting and it's effecting their relationship negatively. So the counseling course is certainly improving our relationship and communication and understanding of eachother. And we're working on DS sleep issues to help everyone be in a better mood. Overall, progress!

DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)

MrsBone is offline  
#39 of 42 Old 05-23-2013, 08:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
MrsBone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Oak Point, TX
Posts: 1,184
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I also wanted to me to mention that I shared a lot from our past with DH that I never shared with him before. It was very eye opening for him to know my state of well being a year ago compared to now. I told him I was depressed and I believe he was too and that a lot of our symptoms were a result of our circumstances and that lead to depression, and probably was the reason that our son had so many behavioral problems. Maybe it was because he was 3, maybe not. The point is, we are communicating better and were both working on it.
pumabearclan likes this.

DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)

MrsBone is offline  
#40 of 42 Old 08-27-2013, 07:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
MrsBone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Oak Point, TX
Posts: 1,184
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow. So many changes. Our son is now sleeping in his bed all night and we've just discovered that he is ADHD just like daddy. No wonder they butt heads so much!! His behavior had only gotten worse over the past 6 months and I knew something had to give. I haven't had him diagnosed, just did some research online and started a regimen of supplements and essential oils and he is like a different child!!! DH has always told me that DS reminded him a lot of himself as a child and that he thinks I've been in denial about DS being ADHD, but I've finally accepted it and we are making. Lot of changes. The mood of our house is 3 zillion times better and DH can actually have a conversation with DS now without it turning into yelling. Anyway, just had to share!!
pumabearclan likes this.

DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)

MrsBone is offline  
#41 of 42 Old 08-29-2013, 12:28 PM
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 468
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 26 Post(s)

Very happy to learn that you are seeing improvement in your family life!

pumabearclan is offline  
#42 of 42 Old 08-31-2013, 08:55 AM
 
sandra063's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 16
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

DH is the exact same way. I feelfor you.

sandra063 is offline  
Reply

Tags
Stay At Home Parents

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off