No One Cares, So Why Should I? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 07-02-2013, 11:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This whole motherhood gig is quite unfair.  Now I'm not speaking about you mamas that have lots of help from your *wonderful* husbands and lots of help from your family and friends.  I'm talking about us mamas that have husbands with long hours or that don't help.  That don't have family or friends lending a hand.  Or money to hire help or often get babysitters and enjoy time away.  I'm speaking about us moms (and some dads) that are in the trenches engaging in daily warfare against any army of kids that outnumber us.  While we are being bombed by bills, cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, homeschooling, sickness, poop and pee! 

 

For a long time, OK since I became a mom.  I have give up everything that was important to me.  I was OK with this for a long time.  Though I have always resented my husband for always holding onto things he finds important and interesting.  Sometimes my anger is intense, sometimes I just accept that he is a selfish butt hole! We all have things about us that aren't pretty.  

 

This has been a really tough year on us and I am starting to fell the stain.  Long story short, Murphy has visited us countless times.  We are broke, tired and stressed to the max.  I'm expecting baby #4 in September and would give just about anything for a break before she comes!!! My key word right now is *DEPLETED*  I give my all everyday to my family and I'm starting to get really upset that no one helps or cares about all the things I do.  My kids whine complain and cry about cleaning.  They don't do anything unless I tell them to do it and even then it's a battle.  I have to yell or cry to actually get them to help out.  They also seem to do the quickest and sloppiest job they can so that they can get back to playing asap.  My husband works long hours. 9-10-11pm 6 days a week.  But he spends every second of his free time looking and doing things he's interested in.  I spend every second of my free time focusing on my family and all the things I need to do to keep us going.  

 

So I'm feeling like if no cares if the house is clean or anything gets done around here then why should I? The kids don't care if their toys are spread in a disastrous mess through the house, why should I? They complain about helping put away the laundry and don't want to do it, so why should I have to do it?  No one ever wants to help with the dishes and despite being shown a million times how to do everything right, they still do it incorrectly.  Why should I have to do them and keep fixing their mistakes?  The kids don't want to do any school work, so why should I spend my time making lesson plans and teaching? My husband is perfectly content to sit in the scum mess when he is home without doing anything so why should I constantly be cleaning? The worst part is how SPECIAL I make everyone's birthdays and holidays.  I put SO MUCH  THOUGH and EFFORT into honoring them because I love them so much.  Yet on my birthday or mother's day I'm surprised to get a homemade card or some stupid gift from my husband that I don't like because he put no though or effort into it.  

 

I am so ANGRY no one notices everything I continuously do.  No one is grateful.  No one helps on their own free will.  I feel like they just expect me to do everything for them.  The really sad part is I have and still do, do everything for them!!! I don't know how to stop, but frankly I'm fed up.  I want uncoerced help.  I want appreciation.  I want a thoughtful family that sees I'm pregnant, tired, stressed, overwhelmed, in pain and comes to my rescue helping me, caring about me! 

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#2 of 10 Old 07-02-2013, 12:21 PM
 
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Hugs, mama hug2.gif

 

I'm not in your shoes exactly, I just have 1 with another on the way, but if I don't do household tasks they just sit around. There are dishes in the sink that have been waiting to be done for a week... I just pull out enough for a meal and wash, and then they pile up... DH keeps saying he will do them, but nope. All me. Worst part is that he claims I never do the dishes, or sweep the floors, or clean this or that.... I definitely feel you on not being appreciated.

 

What if you just stopped doing it all for a while? You could wait until your family noticed and then say you need help to get it all done.


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#3 of 10 Old 07-02-2013, 12:23 PM
 
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Oh, mama! I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I think my first step, if I were in your shoes, is to plan a weekend day to leave first thing in the morning and come home whenever you are ready, be it 3 hours or Sunday night after the children pass out. Do t forget to let your DH know in advance, and set the expectation that everything be as clean as, if not cleaner than you left it. Is there any possibility you can do that? Don't let them get away with leaving the place a mess, though, because that negates all the goodness of your leaving. Can you do this? Even if you just hop in the car and drive to visit friends or museums? Swimming?

I hope you can find a way to show them how important you are AND get a much needed break.
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#4 of 10 Old 07-02-2013, 12:33 PM
 
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I should add to my previous post that I am not exactly in your shoes, but close. We have no helping hands from family, and I do 95% of all indoor household chores. I do not do bills, lawn care or maintenance. I am an unschooling SAHM to 2 kids, ages 5 and 2, so no curriculum or schooling. But I have felt this way before, and I ask DH to take kids out of the house for regular cleaning one weekend day per month or so, so I can catch up. I am fortunate that he is a very active, engaged father with the kids when he is home. He works a regular 5 day per week job and is gone around 10 hours per day.
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#5 of 10 Old 07-02-2013, 01:56 PM
 
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#6 of 10 Old 07-02-2013, 02:24 PM
 
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How old are your kids? Can you do a chore chart or something along those lines to where they only get priviledges when they do their chores? They can only play after chores are done? You may have to still bug them for a little while, but eventually it should become routine to them.

Have you talked to your DH about this? About how you need a break? Because from the sound of it you need to just walk out the door and not come back all day! Its only going to get worse when the baby comes so you need help NOW and me time NOW!

 

I was feeling this way for a long time. I did everything around the house - cooked, cleaned, meal planned, grocery shopped, etc. And I worked full time. I felt I was hardly seeing my kids and didn't get to participate in their play time. I was missing out. So, I stopped doing the chores. I stopped doing the dishes and stopped cleaning up after dinner. I let the toys lay in the living room and let the laundry pile up.  Two things I noticed: 1) no one seemed to care because I was spending that extra time playing with my kids instead of yelling at them to behave or clean up. 2) my DH actually stepped up more to help without me asking. He does the dishes most nights now, he brings the laundry downstairs and does it. Lots of other things still get looked over (like the sweeping/dusting/making the beds, etc. But I got over it and actually got kind of lazy. I'd much rather put a movie on after the kids go to bed instead of sweeping up from dinner. I'd much rather go for a run than put the basket of clean clothes away.

 

My kids are younger though - 4, 2.5 and 2 mths and my DH is great at spending time with them.

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#7 of 10 Old 07-02-2013, 06:33 PM
 
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Here's why you care....

A) you love your children too much to let them grow up in filth and slime

B) you love them enough to create special memories for them of birthdays and special occasions




Some thoughts for you......

get some alone time each week

hire a mother's helper to watch the kids while you tackle big tasks

set up a date night for you and hubby once in awhile

take an evening class that leaves hubby in charge a couple of nights a week.... that's how I did yoga, learned to throw pots and got caught up on cool, culture-y stuff I care about

Good luck! They are only little once and it really does go by fast.
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#8 of 10 Old 07-02-2013, 07:30 PM
 
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what about putting the school aged ones in public schools for a couple of years to give you more help? Do you have particular reasons why you are homeschooling even though you are so depleted already? (such as the public schools in your area being really bad) or is it maybe an ideal you could let go for a while just to find some balance and then pick it up again if you wanted to once your littlest kids were older?

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#9 of 10 Old 07-03-2013, 04:45 AM
 
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I'm not in your situation but I can feel how absolutely burned out you are. I only have a 2 year old and am 36 weeks preggo but I get it. Honestly I'd go on strike! I'd make a sign and everything. Your work conditions are appaling and your basic needs are not met. Your family needs a wakeup call. Yes, things will likely get messier before they get better but the strain and frustration is simply too much. I'm already having mood issues and luckily have great support but you need to get the message through to your husband: this is too much for you while pregnant. The last thing you want is another couple of months to go by and then all this is still hanging over you, making you angry AND you have a newborn and pp recovery to deal with, not to mention the possibility of ppd/a. It may sound simplistic but I'm just so scared you'll reach your breaking point. Make a sign, do the bare minimum for survival and put your feet up. Something's gotta give and it CAN'T be your sanity! Huge hugs.
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#10 of 10 Old 07-04-2013, 12:14 PM
 
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Being pregnant is hard enough, but pregnant with older kids to take care of is super-hard!  Lots and lots of hugs!  Can you cut down to the barest of bare minimums and let the rest go for a few months till you get back in the swing of things? 

 

My dh does many chores/errands when I'm in late pregnancy (and on bedrest) or with a baby (till 1yo) in the house.  He picks up the slack and is really helpful around the house now.  After my first dc was born though, we played a little game of who-will-break-down-and-do-x-chore-first.  Amazingly my dh would do dishes if they got so piled up there's not a clean cereal bowl for him to use.  And if laundry were piling over the hamper blocking the hallway he would do laundry before I could get around to it.  I tried holding out as long as I could for him to break down and clean the tub, but I couldn't stand it any longer, lol.  He would do it if I asked nicely though.  He knows that it's only temporary and when the baby is a little older I'll start doing most of the chores again.  Also helpful... dh is really good if I hand him a list.  If I'm not feeling well or I'm clearly overwhelmed (instead of complaining to him or making him feel guilty for not doing as much as I do or having a life outside of the house, which always backfires on me, though I never learn my lesson and still do it!) I'll just hand him a short list and say I'm really beat and these things still need to be done if you can find the time.  He's a problem solver and a list shows him how he can swoop in and save the day. 

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