How do you feel about being financially dependent? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 49 Old 12-30-2013, 01:26 PM
 
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How does he feel about being dependent on me to take care for virtually everything of real value in his life? It is my job to love and to nurture,to listen and to validate. To lead by example. He is the one essentially throwing himself on the mercy of another.  Personally I feel like God is radiating everything I need, not my husband's paycheck.

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#32 of 49 Old 12-30-2013, 01:39 PM
 
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It sucks sometimes. I am 23, hubby is 26, he works full time and I am home with our 5.5 year and 6.5 month old daughters. Mostly, I just feel bad for the pressure it puts on him. I look forward to contributing financially one day. In the meantime, I feel what I do has value, and I make this clear when necessary. I am lucky in that we have a pretty fair deal in regards to my access to 'our' money. We all have what we 'need'.


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#33 of 49 Old 12-30-2013, 02:50 PM
 
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I've been partly or wholly dependent on my husband financially for parts of our 12-year marriage, due to grad school, then living in a country where I could not obtain a work visa, then raising a young child. There have also been brief times when I brought in the main income, for instance due to an unexpected layoff. In each case I think we both felt fine with the situation; we had both agreed to the arrangement, and shared an understanding that "non-earning" is NOT necessarily the same as "non-working". Obtaining an education that will pay off in future, raising children, and maintaining a house all have value to the family. That being said, we have been aware that a single-income family can be more vulnerable to things like death, illness, or job loss of the primary breadwinner. As such, we've made sure that we both have a financial presence (accounts, credit cards), and our financial situation is reflected in our choice of insurances. 

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#34 of 49 Old 12-30-2013, 03:31 PM
 
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We don't have his money & my money. Haven't since we moved in together 16 years ago (although I worked full time or multiple jobs up until we had our children). Our accounts & bills have always been in both of our names, no questions asked. We are open about our money with each other, we both make decisions together although he earns most of it & I pay the bills.

 

Does it occasionally worry me I do not have a career? I suppose, but I know if push came to shove I could get a job, I could make it work.

 

At the same time: I see how dh struggles with the weight of the responsibility to provide at times. He is currently between jobs & he feels a lot of pressure to find something that pays comparably but also wants to make some changes. I am fully supportive of making a big change but the pressure comes from within him.

 

For US this works, but it obviously doesn't for everyone.


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#35 of 49 Old 02-17-2014, 06:52 PM
 
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I feel as a women, we should be financial independent just in case something happens in the future such as divorce, separation or death. I think that having that financial independence will help to grow strong and be aware on how to invest the money it has been earned with our hard work. However, it does not mean that we can't share our earning with our husband. Everything can be share but having a little bit of independence will help help as well to be better and grow in different aspects.  

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#36 of 49 Old 02-20-2014, 07:02 PM
 
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I feel as a women, we should be financial independent just in case something happens in the future such as divorce, separation or death. I think that having that financial independence will help to grow strong and be aware on how to invest the money it has been earned with our hard work. However, it does not mean that we can't share our earning with our husband. Everything can be share but having a little bit of independence will help help as well to be better and grow in different aspects.  

 

I can't really agree that being financially independent somehow makes you aware of how to invest money.  Many hard-working individuals are also in a lot of unnecessary consumer debt. 

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#37 of 49 Old 02-23-2014, 11:54 AM
 
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The majority of Americans are not financially independent- meaning, that they can't live off of accumulated wealth and instead rely on some sort of income from work. In that respect, most Americans are financially dependent on one (or more) employers. This can be pretty devestating if someone is laid off.

I think all adults (married, single, working, SAH) should make efforts to protect their own financial interests. Each adult should have their own IRA and/or 401K. For married couples, you should attempt to have a similar balance for each spouse's retirement accounts (i.e., if one has $1000 in a 401K, the other should have $1000 in a different 401K or IRA).

Another method might be to have the house/car title with only the non/low-wage earner listed.


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#38 of 49 Old 03-03-2014, 01:32 PM
 
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I do not dislike being "dependent" on my husband for money. I kind of find that term insulting actually. My husband is dependent on his job for money. I do a job too ... a pretty hard one. My kids are dependent on me as their mother and my pets dependent on me as their caretaker. Everyone is dependent on someone/something. Even if you are independently wealthy, you are dependent on the stock market, banks and stability of your society in general. 

I'm sure there are tons of working moms that are just as bad off, if not worse in the financial security and investment department as stay at home moms. Having a job doesn't guarantee financial savvy. 


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#39 of 49 Old 03-06-2014, 03:51 PM
 
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I was okay with it -- until I wasn't.

 

I was 100 percent a SAHW/P for nearly 12 years.  It did not bother me in my 20s or even most of my 30s.  However, as I started moving towards 40, and realizing that I did not even qualify for social security because of how little I paid in, and how if for some reason we got divorced I would be entitled to nothing out of retirement plans or anything like that...and *seeing friends in their 40s/50s in just that situation*...it did bother me.  So I went back to school last year and now have my own very part time business.  It's a foot in the door, and while it certainly isn't enough to "live on" esp. with 4 kids, I am in the workforce.  Honestly, I do feel better about things even though my financial situation hasn't changed.  (It helps that my job is my passion).

 

I'm having my baby on Friday, and will not be transitioning back to 100 percent SAHM.  The peace of mind that I have now from having my own space, doing my own biz stuff, ect. even if it can't support me fully is not something I'm willing to give up again.  Of course, we are also lucky to be financially secure in a way most people are not, he works from home and I can set my own schedule to my choosing so all of our kids have the benefit of 2 parents that are at home (if not 100 percent revolving around the children's schedules--but our family has never operated like that anyway).

 

But I honestly did not realize how much of a stressor being dependent was for me.  My DH never made me feel that way.  I think it is mainly due to growing up in a home environment where the power differential was extreme and abusive.

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#40 of 49 Old 03-07-2014, 09:33 AM
 
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I handle the money which gives me the illusion of having some dependence (if that makes sense), so that helps, too.

 

Like you, we have a secure marriage so it is hard for me to think about scenarios in which I might be out on my own.  However, I don't like being financially dependent on someone else when I really think about it.



^This^ is basically how I feel/ how my marriage works from a financial perspective, in a nutshell. My spouse gives me control of the bank account. I'm the one who gets to dictate how we spend his money. I'm far more frugal, and far more mathematically inclined, so it works for us.

He has far more earning potential than I do, so I do worry about if the unthinkable happens. After we almost got hit head-on by an SUV barreling down the road at 55MPH in the wrong lane over a blind hill on a rural road, we decided to get life insurance. Sure, it's not a perfect solution, but the thinking is, $100,000 would help me tremendously until I figured out a way to manage financially without him.


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#41 of 49 Old 03-10-2014, 12:20 AM
 
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I honestly have never felt this way. Yes he brings in the money, but I am the one who supports him. I manage his home, his children, his kitchen, and I am there to encourage and support him every day. He is just as dependent on me as I am on him. Monetary value can not be placed on mothering; it is from our hearts and souls which can not be weighed by monetary value.


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#42 of 49 Old 03-16-2014, 06:17 PM
 
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Well I suppose I am financially dependent on dh right now because he makes the majority of our money even though I do WOH pt. This is going to go through drastic changes this year as I'm likely going to quit that job in the next few weeks but will be most likely working FT by the end of the year once all three children can be in some kind of school come Aug/Sep. I don't think about it too much although I do hate it but that comes from being surrounded by single women that have struggled due to the arrogant idiots they at one time married. Our financial situation has changed many times over the years though where I have worked FT, pt at a job or 2+ jobs and he has even been the SAHP while I supported us at times. I think because of this we never argue about the money and that's good but I would still like to be better off financially so I knew I'd be fine no matter what happened. I get closer to that goal every year though so I just try to keep going and not focus on it too much.


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#43 of 49 Old 03-18-2014, 01:26 PM
 
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"Emotional labor" is a term that is now being recognized by sociologists as the economy becomes service-oriented. People who are stressed through emotional labor struggle with identity crises, dissociation, and insecurity. These are people who have to deal with customer service day after grueling day. The emotional cost of the work hasn't been economically valued. This is an important recognition because it will affect compensation (especially if people start suing) - for the first time, emotional 'work' will be introduced into the economy.

 

Obviously the most emotional labor in society is done by caregivers within families paid only "in kind." Of course many (hopefully most) caregivers work from love and willingness, but it's also real work that should have economic recognition. A financial counselor recommended that we buy significant life insurance for me when our family was young even though I wasn't working, simply to cover costs of child care, housekeeping & maintanance, bookkeeping, etc that I was doing while my husband was working. So there is an example of the real economic value that is created any time *anyone* works. So take heart in that. Otherwise I just accept it for what it is and am grateful that there is income.

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#44 of 49 Old 04-18-2014, 05:38 AM
 
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I think my husband is more worried about this than I am. He is seriously concerned about what would happen if he were to pass away before I do since I gave up my career to stay with our children. I have a 401K from when I was working he is starting to put money into so that if something were to happen Ill have money. Hes grandpa has terminal cancer and is stressed over how how grandma is going to make it without him (no worries there, she will always be taken care of but tell grandpa that) so that has my DH worried.

 

Personally, I have my own bank account and every month some cash is put in it (how much depends on what "extra" we have left over). This account came to be because I wanted to have the ability to get presents without him knowing it, if I used our joint account he would quickly figure out what I was up to. I never feel bad about spending money out of our joint account because we have always seen it as our money not his/mine. Even when I was working and he was unemployed or when I made more than he did we had the same philosophy.


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#45 of 49 Old 07-14-2014, 09:28 AM
 
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My husband constantly uses the "when was the last time YOU paid rent" over my head. I hate being financially dependent on him. I don't even have access to his bank account and have to steal his debit card from his wallet to fill the car up with gas. My earning potential is minimum wage and he has a PHD, so I feel my options are slim.
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#46 of 49 Old 07-16-2014, 12:00 PM
 
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My husband constantly uses the "when was the last time YOU paid rent" over my head. I hate being financially dependent on him. I don't even have access to his bank account and have to steal his debit card from his wallet to fill the car up with gas. My earning potential is minimum wage and he has a PHD, so I feel my options are slim.
That's emotional abuse, my dear

Perhaps you can try marriage counseling?
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#47 of 49 Old 07-16-2014, 03:03 PM
 
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Although I'm a big believe in marriage counseling (my DH and I would not be together now if we hadn't gone through counseling) it isn't recommended when there is emotional abuse. It tends to make the abuser better at messing with the victim's head because it gives them more ammunition.

Personal counseling, on the other hand, can help a person find their sense of self again, and find the confidence to leave.
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but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#48 of 49 Old 07-21-2014, 06:57 AM
 
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I have been struggling with this ton lately. I am transistioning into a totally weird, yet not weird situation. I will be moving in with DP in a couple weeks and we have discussed I should continue to SAH for this next year, possibly 2-3 depending how it goes, if we have our own baby etc. I was divorced almost 2 years ago, and a SAH at that time and have still SAHM'd for my singledom. My ex pays alimony which is about to end and child support. He pays it consistently. I will be taking on DP's 2 young dd's. His ex pays 0$ in Child support and he has been struggling with child care costs and so here I am and it is essentially the perfect setup financially. We both have the primary custody of the kids, totally 4. Childcare for 4 children 2 of which are 3 years old would be about 2600-3000 per month. I cannot make enough to recoup that amount of money in childcare costs and my belief in being a SAHMing is strong enough that it is more than just a financial gain staying home. DP said he would handle the care anyway I like, if I want to be 'paid' for watching his dd's or not, and separate the money or just pool it for our joint expenses it is up to me.

But as an independent mindset woman it has been tough. My most recent meltdown was about vehicles. I have a sedan and DP has a minivan. I have some wicked attachment to vehicles in which I own. I desperately want my own 7 passenger vehicle but cannot afford a decent one right now. So that leaves a few options and my need for compromise. We are still unsure about the best route to take but in the meantime I will have to make some sacrifices in order for this to work which may mean trading vehicles until we can afford a decent 2nd 7 passenger. Luckily my DP's job actually entails inspecting trade ins for resell so he can keep a look out for me in the coming months.

We have discussed how money should be handled. He has volunteered giving me his entire checks and allowing me to manage every penny. He has total faith in me and looks at me like some type of Dave Ramsey groupie. I am flattered yet want to be fair . Since we are not married yet I have given him a couple ideas about the best way to handle it. I have my own checking and savings account now and have suggested we open another checking account jointly and use that as the every day expenses and use my checking for bills and savings for savings but perhaps I will suggest a joint checking and savings because I trust myself and he trusts me but i want him to feel like he has control over our joint savings as well.
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#49 of 49 Old 07-21-2014, 08:13 AM
 
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I would keep the finances separate regarding the child care. I would agree on receiving a stipend from your partner for child care for his children and note this among your legal papers. There are 2 other people (your ex and his) who are affected by your household budget - your ex, directly, and his ex, indirectly (should she choose to request custody or be required to pay support some day). Technically you don't have to account point by point for the child support payments as long as it's being spent on the children (including your housing & utilities) unless your exes request an accounting. But a new relationship can sometimes stir things up among divorced/separated parents and if, unfortunately, you and your new partner decided to split, this accounting will be helpful in sorting out a settlement.
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