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-   -   I Am Miserable (http://www.mothering.com/forum/329-stay-home-parents/1426009-i-am-miserable.html)

lauranhc 06-24-2014 07:06 AM

I Am Miserable
 
Hi all, I need a little encouragement.

I had my daughter very young and for the last 4 years we have lived in the same city, and very close to my parents. During this time I was working full time etc. I recently got engaged and my fiance and I moved about an hour and a half away to be close to his new job. We bought a nice home and I am not able to work part time.

The problem (and I feel dumb using that word) is that I am miserable here. I miss my family, I don't know anyone in the city, don't know how to meet people in a new city, don't know where I'm going etc. I've tried to get out and explore the city but it's such a small city there is nothing to do (the city I moved from was much larger).

I am so miserable and I don't want to be. We were on vacation last week with my parents and I was super happy, relaxed, had a blast. Then I realized as soon as we got back "home" to the new city I'm back to miserable and crying. We've joined a gym, gotten involved in a few activities and I'm trying to make the best of it but I am so miserable.

Any advice/recommendations for making the move easier?

meowmix 06-24-2014 07:41 AM

I have noticed that it takes about a year to start feeling like a place is home, I think. So sometimes all that is needed is time. I moved to northern california and spent much time lamenting the place we had left (northern virginia). I cried a lot and felt lonely. I also explored the city we lived in, joined a playgroup with my son, and tried to do a lot to help me feel less homesick. After a year, I couldn't imagine living somewhere else. Then my husband's job transferred him back to northern virginia. I was devastated to leave california. It had become home (and we only lived there 1.5 years). It took me a year again to feel like northern virginia was home again, even though we moved back to roughly the same area. FWIW, I still miss northern california and would move back to the east bay in a heartbeat if the opportunity arose. But our area is home now, and I have friends and have settled here.

I think the best thing to do is keep an open mind and give it time. See the new city for what it is without comparing it to your old city. Have you looked in yahoogroups to see if there is a playgroup in your area? That's the first thing I did when moving (even before moving, actually!). Sometimes I tried a few playgroups to find the right fit for me. I also checked out various library story times, activities for preschoolers, etc, so I could get out of the house.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but really the very best thing to do is to quit comparing where you live now to what you have left behind. See this move as less a move away from family and more a move towards something different. If you can see each area for its individual merits, it might be easier to feel more settled and excited about where you live. Still, it takes time, patience and being gentle on yourself, though. {{hugs}} mama and good luck. :)

pepin 06-24-2014 04:01 PM

I understand how you feel... I wasn't very happy after we moved....but it didn't happen until later on. We moved when I was pregnant and honestly that and getting everything unpacked and ready was enough to keep me occupied. After the baby arrived, reality set in and I was soooooooo depressed. The depression didn't have anything to do with being a new parent -- it was situational. I had already begun to realize that our home and even our neighborhood were not the best fit. We had been pressed for time when house hunting and threw our hands up in the air and took the one we live in now. Every day felt like I was flying by the seat of my pants. I was so depressed that I actually didn't want any more kids even though I had dreamed of 3 or 4. My daughter was almost going to be an only child. Three years later we decided to have another. Having kids and getting though toddlerhood and now in the midst of elementary and junior high have finally brought our family to a point where we think it is time to move -- to find that forever home in the neighborhood that we want and that likes us there, too.

What I have learned throughout all this is that your home needs to be your safe and happy place. You should enjoy your surroundings -- even if you have redecorate and change stuff around a zillion times. I have also learned the importance of being my own best friend -- which means I am never lonely. I do have a few friends and I know soooooooo many people but, none of them really get me and I am not interested in taking it any further, either. I focus on my family and our dog. Those things really keep me going. My siblings live across the US and I miss them a lot. Yes, I have DH's family nearby but they really aren't people I can be close with.

Going to the gym is great. I love it. Exploring the community is also great -- even if it means checking out one park at a time. My town isn't that big either....but I really enjoy being outdoors and enjoying nature. Even walking the dog provides something to do....and we meet so many other dogs and their people. The best gift to our family was our dog.

I hope it gets better for you.....we are working on moving and even though it will be across town, it is still going to be both new and scary. But it has to be better than what we have now.

2pedals2wheels 06-25-2014 09:45 PM

I understand what you're saying!!! I moved from a wonderful close-knit situation to a far-away place. I hated it so much for the first couple of years. Then I had a child and that just compounded my loneliness. THEN I joined a MOPS group. I met other moms going through the same stuff as I was, and they UNDERSTOOD. Now, 2 years later, I have very close friends because of this group and I have really developed a love for where I live.
If I would have had a chance to move back to my close-knit home, I would have. I think that would have worked out well, but we couldn't because of my husband's job. So in desperation, I finally met some great moms and found that I really do like it here. I would have a hard time choosing whether to move back or not if his job changed. Hang in there and try to find a sense of belonging. Join something. Anything. You'll make friends and having friends makes all the difference. I feel for you because I've been there. <3

lauranhc 06-26-2014 12:06 PM

Thanks everyone for all your kind words and suggestions. Much appreciated!

yashibowa79 07-06-2014 07:49 PM

Hi laura!

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling miserable...that's not fun at all! I've definitely been there too. I lived in CO with just my husband and my two daughters for about 5 years. We were ALL by ourselves...no family whatsoever in the near distance. What we did was get involved as much as possible within the community, whether that means going to Church....or helping out around the neighborhood.

We have since moved and are now closer to family. It was very tough on us, even though we were both involved in the community. I told my husband to think about changing jobs and after a few months of applying to places, he got a job offer near family!

Since you just moved recently...take is easy on yourself. No need to feel miserable -- it's not going to do you any good! Cheer up and know that you always have us here to talk with. But I really think you should try to get out more and join some local clubs or something. Sometimes they have local mom groups, which I've been a part of too!

Good luck and I'm always here for you!! <3

Linda on the move 07-12-2014 11:16 AM

I've moved several times for my DHs job. It sucks. Some advice:

  • get involved in things to meet people. MOPS was already mentioned. There are other similar groups. There is most likely something. Keep looking. Join a book club through the library (even if it is old ladies). Just join stuff and start meeting people. It takes time, and making friends is a bit like fishing -- not every nibble is a catch.
  • Use a GPS system OR use goggle maps before you leave your house. Get a decent map of the area and review where you went after you get back home. It takes a little time, but you can learn your way around. I hate driving around lost, too, but this is a VERY temporary phase if you tackle it like a project. If it really is a small city, this will be a short phase.
  • Focus on the positive things in your life. Get a blank journal, and every day write down 5 things you are grateful for. This will help you pivot your thinking during the day from "that's just one more thing in my life that is miserable" to noticing the little moments of joy and beauty. What we focus on has a big impact on how happy we are.

One_Girl 07-12-2014 11:28 AM

I just wanted to send some hugs your way. We are about to move to a much smaller town for work and it definitely sucks. We are going to join a church with active youth and women's groups and the YMCA so we have some outlets for meeting people.

Linda on the move 07-12-2014 07:36 PM

Also, since your DD is 4, she is old enough to take lessons or be in some sort of class. This is a nice way to meet other moms with kids similar ages. We've lived places where my entire social circle grew out of my kids' swim team.

Say hi. Introduce yourself. If your child seems to get along with someone else's child, ask if they want to set up a play date.

There are a lot of lonely moms, even ones who've never moved.


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