New here. SAHM with abusive husband. - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 26Likes
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 30 Old 07-14-2014, 10:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Thumbs down New here. SAHM with abusive husband.

Hi, I am glad to have found this forum and have spent many hours looking through the threads. I finally decided to just join, and I hope to build some friendships from other mothers in similar positions to my own.

I am a stay at home mom to an almost 1 year old daughter. Long story short, I never wanted children, never thought I'd have any. My husband and I started dating and found out I was pregnant after knowing one another three months. We decided to get married and start a family.

Since the third trimester of my pregnancy, I have had to deal with any stressors, hardships, emotions, everything- alone. When my daughter was born I had to drive myself to the hospital, and right after labor and delivery my husband left me at the hospital "to go home and rest". When he returned he rushed me to leave before I was ready. He is a selfish 40-something who has never had any responsibility in his life. We were having marital problems (gee , who'd have thought!) and THREE DAYS postpartum he forced me to drive to the therapist office where he told me he didn't care about me and wanted to leave. I had just given birth to his child! I was also expected to cook all my own meals, clean the house, while still bleeding post labor. Sometimes he would make dinner for himself while I sat there nursing the baby, starving bc I hadn't energy to get up and cook. He'd eat it right in front of me.

Since then, we have had countless volatile (not physically violent) blowouts, him threatening to leave, him cutting me off from our bank account, him telling me I need to "try harder" on things like dishes and housework, etc. I have been completely miserable every single day knowing that I am financially dependent on this man. I don't even have a college degree and if I left him, would absolutely be making minimum wage somewhere. There has not been one single night in the past year that he has gotten up in the morning to tend to our daughter so I can rest. There has not been one night time feeding done by him. He works 4 hours sometimes and wakes up around noon.... It's not like he can't help out. I am run ragged, the first awake, the last to go to bed, and my sleep is broken as you are all familiar with. When I ask him for help he retorts with "I don't get YOU to help me with MY job, why should I help you?"

Recently, I was desperate and asked a relative for money to put a lawyer on retainer to leave my husband. I received the money (along with an "I told you so") and sent my husband and my daughter to stay with my in laws for a week while I packed to move out. (My in laws are WONDERFUL people who are on my side 100% through all this abuse). During this week, my husband has what he called an epiphany or revelation. He came crying to me, telling me he had no idea what I went through taking care of our baby, that he honestly thought I was just being lazy but he was wrong and that I am superwoman for doing all that I do. He promised to go to therapy if I would try one more time. I said fine.

Things have improved (as in now he gives our daughter a bath twice a month), but now we have another major life event occurring that I am having a hard time with. He got a job 2,000 miles away. A secure job that would allow myself and my daughter to go to college for free. How could I turn that down? So, we are moving. And things are still rocky. He is back to being selfish. I am back to doing ALL the housework, child care, packing for the move, everything.

I feel like I'm losing my mind and if it weren't for my daughter I may have even ended my own life by now. I have no support system here except for his parents, who let's face it, are HIS parents. My father passed away in January and it's like I haven't even been allowed to grieve, I have to deal with so much of my husbands garbage.

Sorry for the novel. And sorry it's all over the place. Typing on an iPad vs computer doesn't allow me to elaborate much... As I've had to correct nearly every word I've "typed".

Tl;dr version: hi. I'm new here and I am a miserable stay at home mother who has a child for a husband.
lemon.yellow.black is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 30 Old 07-14-2014, 10:34 AM
 
PhillyMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA suburbs
Posts: 43
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi!
Welcome to the forums - I'm sure you will make many strong connections with other moms here.

I have nothing to offer advice-wise, but wanted to let you know people are here for you and to give you a big hug.
I am so sorry to read about what you're going through. You (and your daughter) definitely deserve better.

PhillyMama is offline  
#3 of 30 Old 07-14-2014, 04:18 PM
 
Mummoth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 3,487
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 9 Post(s)
Welcome!

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I don't know if this will come as any consolation, but when you have a baby is one of the hardest parts of a marriage. Even with a supportive, involved husband, there isn't an equal division of labour and there are things you go through that they just don't understand what it's like. Packing and moving is another hugely stressful thing. Our last move was about 1/4 mile (we needed a bigger place) and I'm sure there were a few spats between my husband and I, and we are pretty solid. Your perception of him now is hopefully about as bad as it can get.

Some of what you describe will get better with time... by this time next year your daughter will be sleeping through the night, and be able to entertain herself for short periods during the day, so preparing meals and tidying up gets easier. Some men that don't do well with the baby stage get more interested in kids once they are little people who can talk and do stuff. It would probably be a good idea when you get to your new town, to reach out to other women and try to build a circle of friends on whom you can rely.

It's easy to get into a vicious circle of resenting each other and doing less and less for each other. My husband and I make a point of saying "Thank you" to each other for any small thing that we do, and though it's a simple thing it makes a big difference. It would probably be best to flat-out tell him "I would like us both to feel better about our marriage. I am going to express gratitude for the things you do for our family, and I would appreciate a "Thank you." for making supper, tidying up, any favors I do for you." That's one thing that might help get you guys onto more stable ground.

Does your husband like to barbecue? That's one way to get them to share some of the labor, if he does... then all you have to concern yourself with is the sides, which if you do a big batch lasts more that one night. Plus there's fewer dishes to deal with.

As a 40-something, hasn't he ever had responsibility for housekeeping? My husband was 35 when we met, and though he'd had a few live-in girlfriends, also had spent some years single... doing his own laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning... so he knows it's work. Not having to do much of that is a huge perk, to him.

When he made himself supper and you were left to fend for yourself, did he clean up after himself? Earlier in my relationship, without realizing it, my husband slipped into 'room-mate mode' a few times... when you have room-mates preparing food for yourself only and cleaning only your own mess, leaving others' dishes around... that's par for the course. In our case, it was almost comical, because it wasn't only me he didn't make supper for, the kids were 5 and 7 and asking "Where's mine?" as he's rinsing out a pan and he's got ONE plate of food prepared.

Going to college sounds like a great idea... if things don't get better with time, at least you will be able to get a better job than you can now.

~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

Mummoth is offline  
#4 of 30 Old 07-14-2014, 07:47 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,723
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 104 Post(s)
I sent you a PM.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#5 of 30 Old 07-14-2014, 07:55 PM
 
katelove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,936
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 1 Thread(s)
Quoted: 35 Post(s)
I agree that having a child is hard and the first year is probably the worst. Cutting off access to bank accounts and telling someone to "try harder" with housework is abusive behaviour though. As is "having an epiphany" and improving for a while before going back to old behaviours.

I think you need to seriously consider whether this is an abusive relationship. If it is, free college is not worth staying with him for. There are other ways to get a degree. Is there a local women's shelter? Maybe you could give them a call and just talk about your situation. They generally have good advice.
katelove is online now  
#6 of 30 Old 07-14-2014, 09:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Thank you so much for the replies. I genuinely appreciate them.

As for him being 40-something and having household responsibilities before, nope. He's lived like an entitled child for a long time. He has recently begun helping me with things if I make him a "to-do" list daily, but often it is half arsed and I have to do it over anyways. Or finish it. But at least it's something. And no, when he cooked meals for himself he did not clean up after them, I did. I've tried letting things pile up to show him that the house doesn't clean itself, but all it does is make my life harder because I have to work around the mess.

It definitely is abusive. I've had a couples therapist confirm that. I've also called domestic abuse hotlines and contacted shelters in my area. I've reached out to moving companies and one offered to move me and my daughter free of charge- but I had nowhere to move to. The shelters in my city are full. I agree it is wise to leave an abusive situation but on the scale of abuse, mine is low on the scale (word for word what one domestic violence organization told me). Plus, where I live is violent and dangerous and I don't want my daughter growing up around here. Even though our move is across the country and I won't know anyone, the town itself is much safer and a better place to raise my little girl.

I am not making excuses and like I said, I appreciate all the advice and will heed all of it. It's nice and reassuring to know I'm not alone in these feelings of resentment, and that often times the first year is the hardest. I am holding on to some hope that this is the worst it will get, or that I will get a degree and have more ground to leave on. Either way- thank you for making me not feel so alone. It's really nice to be able to talk to other mothers about the experience, whether it is identical to mine or not.

Seriously, this made me feel a lot better just posting on here. I felt like death yesterday and today it's a bit better.
lemon.yellow.black is offline  
#7 of 30 Old 07-15-2014, 11:20 AM
 
sillysapling's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 912
Mentioned: 10 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 69 Post(s)
The honeymoon period is a very common part of the cycle of abuse, and what makes it so hard to leave. As you've seen. Once your husband realized you were strong enough to leave, suddenly he's all sunshine and rainbows, promising to be better. Many victims cling to these periods, thinking they're the true person shining trhough, that if they just hold on they'll get that wonderful partner full-time. Unfortunately, it's often the other way around.

It is possible to live in an abusive relationship and build yourself up to a good place to get out of it. It sounds like you may be able to do this. You could try continuing to stay in couple's counseling, which may help- it may make him feel accountable so have to keep himself in line somewhat. (also- see if the counselor who says your husband is abusive will be willing to testify in court if you do end up getting divorced) Given that his parents support you, I'd be wary about how moving away from them may impact him.

But please be careful. You'll be able to go to college free? Check which colleges and make sure they have daycare options that will be open to you. If they don't: Can you honestly say that your husband will allow you to get childcare so you can go to class and do homework? Look into the domestic violence resources you'll have access to there. Make sure that you aren't just distancing yourself from your family only to end up more firmly under his heel.

sillysapling is online now  
#8 of 30 Old 07-16-2014, 07:43 AM
 
greenemami's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: PA
Posts: 1,826
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 13 Post(s)
Leaving and struggling will better than living with this man. It took my kids getting older and me realizing that they would grow up to mimic mine and ex's relationship to get up the courage to leave. While you may be able to endure your husband, think about how it will affect your daughter as she gets older and how she may very well grow up to have a similar relationship. I say that not to guilt you, but just because I stayed for a long time for "the sake of the kids" when really it wasn't to their benefit in the long run (but was so hard to see in the moment)

I would encourage you not to move with him, but instead to use this time to get yourself set up in anyway you can. What did you do job wise before your daughter? Can yo go back to that? Would your relatives be able to help you with money, a place to stay, and/or daycare again? Also, I would encourage you to NOT leave your daughter with your husband for extended periods of time again, just for custody purposes. He could claim that you abandoned your daughter with him just to get back at you, sadly.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best as you try to find a solution that works for you and your daughter.

Single mama namaste.gif to dd dust.gifand ds fencing.gif, loving my dsd always reading.gif .
greenemami is online now  
#9 of 30 Old 07-16-2014, 08:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Greenemami, no, I don't have any family where I live who could help me out in any way. I would have to move to the east coast where I have a cousin who may be able to help me, and since my husbands new job is on the west coast, that would be a major custody issue as well. I was in retail making minimum wage before I met him, which obviously can't support a child. I'm afraid after much consideration I am going to just ride this out and get a safe place in order in our new state when we move.

I think about the role model that is being set for my daughter everyday which is why I think I need to try to go get a degree for free ASAP so I can get her out of this situation before she is truly aware. She is barely 1 right now so if I work hard, it may be doable.

Sigh. Whichever option I go with, won't be easy.
lemon.yellow.black is offline  
#10 of 30 Old 07-16-2014, 03:30 PM
 
katelove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,936
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 1 Thread(s)
Quoted: 35 Post(s)
She will be very much aware before you get your degree, even if you can do it full time and it only takes 3-4 years. I know a 4yo whose mother left an abusive relationship when she was 3yo. Believe me, she knows.
katelove is online now  
#11 of 30 Old 07-16-2014, 04:00 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,723
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 104 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lemon.yellow.black View Post
Greenemami, no, I don't have any family where I live who could help me out in any way. I would have to move to the east coast where I have a cousin who may be able to help me, and since my husbands new job is on the west coast, that would be a major custody issue as well. I was in retail making minimum wage before I met him, which obviously can't support a child. I'm afraid after much consideration I am going to just ride this out and get a safe place in order in our new state when we move.

I think about the role model that is being set for my daughter everyday which is why I think I need to try to go get a degree for free ASAP so I can get her out of this situation before she is truly aware. She is barely 1 right now so if I work hard, it may be doable.

Sigh. Whichever option I go with, won't be easy.
Have you checked what the standard rates for child support are where you live? What the guidelines are for spousal support? Your comments make it sound like you would have to support your child by yourself if you left him, and this isn't true.

If you decide to leave sooner rather than later, he still has to support his child, and he may have to pay your way through school anyway.

Also, think about where you want to live when this is all over. Taking your child and moving out of state after a divorce is an extremly big deal. If you don't want to live in the state he is moving to long term, think long and hard before moving there at all. You may end up stuck there.

It's a completely different deal if he decides to move away from his child, then it is his choice.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#12 of 30 Old 07-16-2014, 04:08 PM
 
limabean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 9,431
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)
Linda makes some very good points in the post right above mine. Think hard about this, OP. Hugs.
limabean is offline  
#13 of 30 Old 07-16-2014, 04:24 PM
 
crazyms's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: In a southern state of mind
Posts: 1,203
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 74 Post(s)
I agree with the posts here as well. Another thing to think about is state support. I know it isn't ideal to need government help but if it will get you and your daughter in safety away from an abusive person you need it. I'd also check what the resources are for that. For instance in my state an abusive situation can get you priority listing for Section 8 (rental assistance), TANF is available for utility assistance and there is childcare assistance to cover child care costs while you work which is one of the biggest money drains with kids. Food stamps and WIC for children under the age of 6 help with groceries. I know it seems like you couldn't survive but I'm sure you could.

I don't know what you would want to do job/career wise or what area/state you are in but here are some thoughts for job help:
- If you're low income especially as a single parent you should qualify for grants to go to college if you want to go.
- There are often additional funding options through the unemployment office (called JPEC or something here) that will help pay for technical programs at the college.
- Some training programs like CNA can be done on a grant or financial assistance through a place that offers it like Red Cross or Good will.
- If you'd do CNA work it may be possible to do a training on the job at a nursing home depending on your state. I know some nursing homes here will hire and train on the job and you take the test within so many months of starting.
- Dollar General has been expanding massively and has programs in place for advancement within the company so you could start at cashier level if needed but get assistant management or manager training after a period of time with them easily. Subway also does a good in house advancement program. I'm sure there are other places but those two I know of for sure.

Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD and spending my days
crazyms is online now  
#14 of 30 Old 07-17-2014, 04:07 AM
 
sillysapling's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 912
Mentioned: 10 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 69 Post(s)
I agree, look into spousal/child support and also the custody laws in your state. If you divorce him now and he still gets the job- the courts frown on that and it may be harder for him to get a better visitation deal. He'd be choosing to move away from his child, that's a much different situation than you choosing to take his child away. You should ask around on the single parenting forum, you'll find a lot of people who've been in your shoes and made it.

sillysapling is online now  
#15 of 30 Old 07-18-2014, 11:56 AM
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 617
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 68 Post(s)
Depending on how long you have been married you can get your marriage anulled. You should also be able to leave immediately and receive child support within weeks. I was amazed at how effective the state gov't was in my state to help mothers & children. Don't waste another day, go to your state child support & welfare svcs and they will help you. They will give you everything you need to know about your rights & get you on the right track. Be prepared that this will be a bit of a slog at first, maybe 12-24 months. But what you will gain from this work is worth it, the longer this goes on the more defeated you will be and the more damaged your child will be. You have a skill set that you need to learn: independence, self-sufficiency, becoming shame-free, and advocating for your child. The sooner you start working on these skills the closer you will be to a life that keeps your daughter and you safe and allows happiness . As mothers we have to give and work for our children, even when we think we can't keep going any more, but you don't know your own strength, believe me, I've been there. Keep your activities to yourself until you know your own mind and have a good plan in place. Sending you my very best wishes. Stay in touch here, there is a lot of help and support you can get from the women here.

Last edited by pumabearclan; 07-19-2014 at 04:45 AM.
pumabearclan is offline  
#16 of 30 Old 07-19-2014, 07:35 AM
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 617
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 68 Post(s)
Oh, and document the abuse: verbal abuse (words used & how often), belittling you in front of others / violating your privacy, how often you were deprived of access to money or other marital property (being locked out, "forbidden" to use the car, etc) and for how long, also any other abuse such as commanding your free movement (such as where you can go and with whom) and of course any physical abuse. Writing it down will not only be invaluable to your caseworker but it will also help you to clarify for yourself just what you are dealing with and motivate you in the right direction. Hugs
pumabearclan is offline  
#17 of 30 Old 07-19-2014, 11:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Thank you. For it all. The advice, letting me vent, etc. It does help.

I had a breakdown yesterday. I cried and cried and cried and told him he needs to console me. That this isn't what I signed up for, etc. I know it's all down the drain already but I keep hitting bottom.

Where I live, there are shootings everyday. The city doesn't have money for resources for people like me (or any in need, really). They keep cutting funding to mental health clinics and any help that used to be available. Where my husband's new job is, is a much better part of the country. Much smaller town, and many more opportunities for me to get help. I don't have the option to stay here. It just wouldn't be best for my daughter. It really won't. I have to stick this out at least until we move, and then form some kind of a plan. We are already on food stamps (thank god), I have already tapped into all the utility assistance we can get, section 8 housing has YEARS long waiting lists. I would say where we live and you would understand, but I dont want any identifying info on here

It's so hard to document when I am running on such a lack of sleep, but I will start. Today I got berated, accused and screamed at because my daughter (who will be 1 in two weeks), misplaced my husband's keys. He left them somewhere within her reach, somewhere they didn't belong. Yet I was accused of "YOU MUST HAVE DONE IT WHILE SLEEPWALKING THEN."

My daughter is getting molars and I am losing my mind. I have money in an account ($2,000) that I am saving for emergencies, or to leave him when the time is right. As for now, I took a photo of his debit card and have been using it to order things we need online.

Regarding counseling, I am going to go when we move. For myself. Alone. Without him. We have tried therapy together but as noted above, it made the situation worse. He was furious that therapy focused on "ME" and "MY needs". Our homework had to do with him being more patient and allowing me to have feelings. He said it wasn't fair.

It takes everything in me to get through the days. I just need to figure out how to not give a crap about anything he says or does and just ignore it. At least until we move and I can start a new life for myself and my daughter in a safer community.
lemon.yellow.black is offline  
#18 of 30 Old 07-19-2014, 12:40 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,723
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 104 Post(s)
Things will get better.

While he sounds like he will always be a horrible person, it is possible that things will be a little bit better after he starts his new job. The current living situation and stress may be causing him to be worse. This isn't to excuse any of it, just to give you a little hope of things being a little bit better.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#19 of 30 Old 07-20-2014, 08:32 PM
 
Julianito's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 224
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Just wanted to add that move far away is one way an abusive spouse can isolate you making it harder to leave.

Also how important it is to document any physical harm he has done to you with outsiders, including getting a restraining order. Otherwise you will be worried about your child when he / she is alone with him for long periods of time, and you will be up the creek legally. I had a similar situation and didn't want to have him arrested. Now I worry many weekends while my child goes away with him, and comes back talking of angry yelling, name calling and worse.
Julianito is offline  
#20 of 30 Old 07-21-2014, 06:13 AM
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 617
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 68 Post(s)
Instead of moving with your husband and then trying to leave, why not move now? Just take your stuff & your child & leave, you did it before, you can do it again. I wouldn't go to his parents, though, go to your own home place/place you feel you could settle down for awhile that is not connected with him. A place where you have or can build a support system, a place that is inexpensive enough that you can afford to live at first. Although your current area doesn't have good services, the day you file for child support is the "start date" and the award you will receive will be retroactive to that date. By the time you get a plan in place & move out you should have child support at least to get you started.

I notice that you seem to feel that your husband's money is his. It isn't, it's marital property. The only property that is actually "his" is granddad's watch, his mother's trust fund, or his uncel's stocks & bonds - gifts, in other words. What he is earning as your husband legally belongs to BOTH of you. You will be suing him for YOUR OWN MONEY. This is true even if you don't have a child together. That's what a LEGAL marriage is all about, it's not about the love and roses part.

Even though you don't want to stay in your community, I wouldn't waste a day filing for child support, because that action is essential to your child and to enabling you to care for her, and the award will follow you and help you no matter where you live.

In your case, you aren't just asking for the child support because you want to leave, you are asking for it because even as a cohabitating married couple he isn't providing.

If you can provide a pay stub or a tax form or something that identifies your husband's employer & salary/wage, then the child support office should be able to tell you right there how much you can expect to receive. It's based on a reasonable % of what the father can provide. A common "fear" is that a child support payment will be "too much" for the parent to pay and will cripple them or land them in jail. The only way that the father wouldn't be "able" to pay is if he refuses to do so. If he becomes unemployed or takes a pay cut the child support will be adjusted accordingly. So you don't need to worry about "harming" him somehow by filing for child support.

I would also request direct deduction from his paycheck since he is obviously not cooperating with supporting his family and is withholding financial support. There is nothing vindictive about requesting that (as opposed to expecting that he will just pay the award on time) although it is frequently painted to be a vindictive act. Somehow retirement deposits and taxes can be automatically deducted from a paycheck and that's not considered "vindictive!" Deductions from his paycheck is actually much easier for everyone, including him, because the state mediates the transaction and is immediately aware if the payor takes a paycut or changes jobs. Your child support office will be able to tell you all about this. It will probably be a lot easier than you expect, it's made to be easy, *all* of their clients are in difficult situations with children to support and having problems in their household. Just because you aren't employed and "pulling your own weight" (as a SAHM can be wrongly accused of) makes no difference whatsoever; child support awards will include an assessment of the cost of child care; if you are providing it, then compensation to you for that will be included in the consideration; if you have your child in daycare, the cost of daycare will be included in the consideration. Child support services recognize (which your husband does not) that there is a real cost for caring for a child, either in fees or lost wages, and somehow this cost has to be met or the child suffers.

I disagree that the move will help your husband "get better." Your situation goes beyond him being irritable or upset about your current living situation, he is depriving you AND your child of the basic necessities of life: money to buy supplies and a safe environment - and this is the responsibility that he willingly assumed. Considering that he already had an "epiphany" that failed to make any change whatsoever in his personality and in his heart, I don't see, from what you describe, how this marriage could work for anyone - but him.

(I want to add here that what looked to you like a change of heart after you left the first time could have been and very likely was his realization that he would not have control over you any more. So what he realized he was "losing" wasn't your love and the family, it was his source of narcissistic supply; winning you back keeps him in control so that he can have his needs met through exploiting you. If you leave, he will not only have to pay for his child according to what the state determines is fair - not what he wishes to pay - but he will also lose his source of free domestic and emotional labor that sustains his ego and lifestyle. This is classic narcissistic personality disorder and classic abuse pattern. So yes, the abuser is extremely upset and truly doesn't want the relationship to end. But not for the "right" reasons. The fact that he reassumed his behavior immediately after you returned to the relationship indicates to me that this was the case. You can help yourself by reading up about codependency so that you can learn proactive strategies for coping rather than codependent strategies; and also so that you don't enter into any codependent/abusive relationships in the future.)

Since you didn't really want to be a mother in the first place, it is probably much harder for you to muster any motivation to cope with this whole situation. However, how this all turns out is up to you and only you can write this story. Think of it as an opportunity if you can, to show yourself & everyone around you what you can do.

Thinking of you and wishing you the best
Puma

Last edited by pumabearclan; 07-21-2014 at 09:44 AM.
pumabearclan is offline  
#21 of 30 Old 07-30-2014, 09:37 PM
 
Treasuremapper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,589
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
You can do this.
Treasuremapper is offline  
#22 of 30 Old 09-19-2014, 04:56 PM
 
tracyamber's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3,899
Mentioned: 286 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 77 Post(s)
How is everything going now? Did you move?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
tracyamber is offline  
#23 of 30 Old 11-07-2014, 10:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Hi! Well, things haven't gotten better. in fact, they are much worse. Pardon spelling or grammar errors, I am writing this from my phone in a domestic violence shelter. My daughter is 15 months old now and we did make the move for my husbands job. Things have been very bad. Last Saturday he came after me because I woke him up by being "too loud" (it was 10am on a Saturday). His sleep issues have been an ongoing problem for us. I think he would have hit me for the first time had I not put up my hands to protect myself and stop him. He then claims I assaulted him, and called the police on me (I did not assault him in any way!). When the police refused to arrest me for assault, he tried for harassment. When they refused that, he said I am abusive to our daughter. The police were required to submit this to DHS but they told me that the report sheds light in my favor and him as the bad guy. The police made him leave for the night and stay at a hotel to diffuse the situation. He took our (my) car. I waited until he returned it the next day and promptly checked into the DV shelter here in town. (I had previously stayed at the shelter 6 weeks ago, which is 2 days after we moved here. Husband kicked me out of the house and I had nowhere to go and know nobody in this state). So, back at the shelter I am.

A day later, while my husband was supposed to be at work, I snuck back to retrieve my pets and place them in foster homes while I figure this all out. Well, my husband was home and waiting for me. With video camera in hand he tape recorded my every move saying it was for both of our protections. I gathered the pets trying to ignore him and he scooped up my daughter and wouldn't allow her to leave with me. I had to call the police and they arrived... he pulled the same stuff he did last time. And again, they believed me and let me leave with her and the pets. Another report was given to DHS on me for being an abusive parent because of more of his allegations.

Since then, he first texted me asking if I'd consider counseling. I said no way. then he tried guilting me saying all he needed was sleep blah blah blah and he's the breadwinner and worked hard to put a roof over our head and get us nice things. I didn't respond. instead I turned the utilities out of my name. This enraged him, and now he is emailing me pressuring me for supervised visits and asking if I have court paperwork.

The legal aid for the shelter has been out sick all week, so I've just been treading water it feels like. I got food stamps and emergency state funds, I am approved for a DV grant through the state for $1200 to help in any way I need it to (housing fees, relocation cost, etc) and I am 3rd in line for public housing.

so yeah. that's where I'm at.
lemon.yellow.black is offline  
#24 of 30 Old 11-07-2014, 12:37 PM
 
Mummoth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 3,487
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 9 Post(s)
I know it seems awful now, but a year from now you will be looking back at this time as when things started getting better. You need to take it day by day, hopefully the legal aid person gets back soon to help you make a plan. It takes a lot of time to put all the pieces together, but it might be helpful to keep a journal. When you get discouraged you can read back and see how things have changed from a month ago.

Has DHS been in contact with you? The police had to file a report after my son had some issues, and I went ahead and called them myself. I think that looked good on me, that I was wanting to deal with the situation... we had a 'support' file instead of an investigation, and we got access to free counseling and visits from a home support worker. See what the people at the DV shelter say though, they will be familiar with what DHS is like in your area, it could be completely different.

Go to the library if you can and get a novel or something to try and keep your mind occupied, especially if the evenings are long. There's a whole lot of 'hurry up and wait' but stressing about it constantly doesn't make it happen any faster!

Take care, it will be okay.

~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

Mummoth is offline  
#25 of 30 Old 11-07-2014, 02:30 PM
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 617
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 68 Post(s)
My dear, I am so sorry and so proud of you all at once.

I will be thinking of you and sending you strength and courage. Please stay in touch here.

With love
Puma
pumabearclan is offline  
#26 of 30 Old 11-07-2014, 06:17 PM
 
katelove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,936
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 1 Thread(s)
Quoted: 35 Post(s)
I actually think this is great news. You are out. Your daughter is out. Your pets are out. Well done you! It will be hard to get everything sorted but, I agree with the PPs, in a year's time you will be so much further ahead. And every day you are in the shelter is a day when your daughter is free from violence and abuse. You have done a wonderful thing for her lemon.yellow.black. You are a brave, strong role model for your girl.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Mother of two spectacular girls, born mid-2010 and late 2012  mdcblog5.gif

katelove is online now  
#27 of 30 Old 11-07-2014, 07:36 PM
 
blessedwithboys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,586
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
...

Bring back the old MDC
blessedwithboys is online now  
#28 of 30 Old 11-11-2014, 03:52 PM
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 7
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
I sympathize with you in this situation. When a woman gives birth, certainly she needs all possible support. Not only in terms of physical needs but same goes well with emotional and mental needs. I can say that the case is not only particular to you feeling post partum blues but there is really something lacking in your relationship. It is really hard to pin it down but it is not an excuse to be abused. Life is too short to be miserable. You have a beautiful daughter to think about. It is either you make or break the marriage. Both ways, both of you should work on it and not you alone. Good Luck!
Carla Halter is offline  
#29 of 30 Old 11-13-2014, 11:07 AM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,723
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 104 Post(s)
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through, but I agree that in a year, you will see this at the turning point when things started getting better.

sending you love and light

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#30 of 30 Old Today, 09:01 PM
 
philomom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 9,270
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Lemon yellow. .... any updates? We are thinking of you.
philomom is online now  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off