Instead of moving with your husband and then trying to leave, why not move now? Just take your stuff & your child & leave, you did it before, you can do it again. I wouldn't go to his parents, though, go to your own home place/place you feel you could settle down for awhile that is not connected with him. A place where you have or can build a support system, a place that is inexpensive enough that you can afford to live at first. Although your current area doesn't have good services, the day you file for child support is the "start date" and the award you will receive will be retroactive to that date. By the time you get a plan in place & move out you should have child support at least to get you started.
I notice that you seem to feel that your husband's money is his. It isn't, it's marital property. The only property that is actually "his" is granddad's watch, his mother's trust fund, or his uncel's stocks & bonds - gifts, in other words. What he is earning as your husband legally belongs to BOTH of you. You will be suing him for YOUR OWN MONEY. This is true even if you don't have a child together. That's what a LEGAL marriage is all about, it's not about the love and roses part.
Even though you don't want to stay in your community, I wouldn't waste a day filing for child support, because that action is essential to your child and to enabling you to care for her, and the award will follow you and help you no matter where you live.
In your case, you aren't just asking for the child support because you want to leave, you are asking for it because even as a cohabitating married couple he isn't providing.
If you can provide a pay stub or a tax form or something that identifies your husband's employer & salary/wage, then the child support office should be able to tell you right there how much you can expect to receive. It's based on a reasonable % of what the father can provide. A common "fear" is that a child support payment will be "too much" for the parent to pay and will cripple them or land them in jail. The only way that the father wouldn't be "able" to pay is if he refuses to do so. If he becomes unemployed or takes a pay cut the child support will be adjusted accordingly. So you don't need to worry about "harming" him somehow by filing for child support.
I would also request direct deduction from his paycheck since he is obviously not cooperating with supporting his family and is withholding financial support. There is nothing vindictive about requesting that (as opposed to expecting that he will just pay the award on time) although it is frequently painted to be a vindictive act. Somehow retirement deposits and taxes can be automatically deducted from a paycheck and that's not considered "vindictive!" Deductions from his paycheck is actually much easier for everyone, including him, because the state mediates the transaction and is immediately aware if the payor takes a paycut or changes jobs. Your child support office will be able to tell you all about this. It will probably be a lot easier than you expect, it's made to be easy, *all* of their clients are in difficult situations with children to support and having problems in their household. Just because you aren't employed and "pulling your own weight" (as a SAHM can be wrongly accused of) makes no difference whatsoever; child support awards will include an assessment of the cost of child care; if you are providing it, then compensation to you for that will be included in the consideration; if you have your child in daycare, the cost of daycare will be included in the consideration. Child support services recognize (which your husband does not) that there is a real cost for caring for a child, either in fees or lost wages, and somehow this cost has to be met or the child suffers.
I disagree that the move will help your husband "get better." Your situation goes beyond him being irritable or upset about your current living situation, he is depriving you AND your child of the basic necessities of life: money to buy supplies and a safe environment - and this is the responsibility that he willingly assumed. Considering that he already had an "epiphany" that failed to make any change whatsoever in his personality and in his heart, I don't see, from what you describe, how this marriage could work for anyone - but him.
(I want to add here that what looked to you like a change of heart after you left the first time could have been and very likely was his realization that he would not have control over you any more. So what he realized he was "losing" wasn't your love and the family, it was his source of narcissistic supply; winning you back keeps him in control so that he can have his needs met through exploiting you. If you leave, he will not only have to pay for his child according to what the state determines is fair - not what he wishes to pay - but he will also lose his source of free domestic and emotional labor that sustains his ego and lifestyle. This is classic narcissistic personality disorder and classic abuse pattern. So yes, the abuser is extremely upset and truly doesn't want the relationship to end. But not for the "right" reasons. The fact that he reassumed his behavior immediately after you returned to the relationship indicates to me that this was the case. You can help yourself by reading up about codependency so that you can learn proactive strategies for coping rather than codependent strategies; and also so that you don't enter into any codependent/abusive relationships in the future.)
Since you didn't really want to be a mother in the first place, it is probably much harder for you to muster any motivation to cope with this whole situation. However, how this all turns out is up to you and only you can write this story. Think of it as an opportunity if you can, to show yourself & everyone around you what you can do.
Thinking of you and wishing you the best
Last edited by pumabearclan; 07-21-2014 at 08:44 AM.