I am a SAHM to three kids who are older and in school all day. And I don't get nearly as much done as you do in a day. And if my husband came home from work and belittled me about doing things incorrectly or calling me names for not getting the house spotless, I would be furious. Just because you are home all day does not give anyone permission to micromanage what you do or how you do it. You're the one home. You get to decide. And I, personally, certainly don't pick up after my husband or make his food- except dinner. Or on the weekend if I make a salad, I make enough for both of us. He is a capable individual who can and does- on top of working- do about half the laundry, washes the dinner dishes, wipes down the bathroom if I haven't had a chance. We're a housework team. I am a strong believer that SAHM/D does not make one a maid. For me, my job is to raise the kids- be there to see them off to school, see them home, be there when they have problems or need homework help or be a cheerleader for their activities. I drive them to events and make sure their schedules are doable. I volunteer doing things many working parents can't because I stay at home. In my spare time I like to train my dog, teach myself to sew, make sure the house is decorated for holidays, bake things for after school snacks. Right now I'm about to start training to become a wildlife rehabber. After all that, I wipe down bathrooms, vacuum floors, clean windows, etc. I am not a maid. And neither are you. Sorry, your post just hit a nerve with me. I know you love your wife and you say you don't mind doing all the things you do, but it sounds like you and your wife need to be on the same page about each other's expectations. I agree that counseling for you might be helpful and I honestly think your wife needs to communicate more effectively with you.
As for your daughter, she sounds like many 3 yr olds.
Finally, if my husband had a huge problem with the way I did things, we would discuss it and likely he would take over the task of his own accord. We have done this with dinner dishes. If he is tired and says he'll leave them for a morning, then I will do the task that night if I don't want it to wait. After all, I am the one who doesn't want to wait til morning. So why should I berate him for not doing it? If I feel the same way he does, I'll let them sit, too.
Anyway, I hope you find a solution. Don't beat yourself up. You are not a failure AT ALL. You sound like you are trying to do it all and your wife is telling you it's still not enough.