I am officially on strike!! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 04-26-2005, 08:16 PM - Thread Starter
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I can't take it anymore. I have tried a schedule and the girls just wine. I have tried asking dh for more help and he chooses the things he wants to help with, when he feels like helping...and then bitches about it. My house is ALWAYS a mess, is it my mess...no, it's dh and the girls. They are always leaving stuff laying around our small house so it always looks like a dump. I'm embarraced to have friends or family over. Our yard looks like a junk yard that's half finished. The basement is a dissaster and no where near ready for developing thanks to dh. He "cleaned" it in the fall. His idea of cleaning and clearing it out was to pile everything in one corner. Literally. I can't find anything I need because it's in this 10'x10' heap downstairs.

It seems like everything is on me because I'm at home. He recently changed his work schedule so he could take our dd to her bus in the morning. That's great you say? Well, every morning I stay in bed an extra 20 min while dh gets dd ready for school. He's mad at me because I do this. He keeps reminding me that he's doing me this huge favor. So now he refuses to empty the dishwasher, since I have it so good. Meanwhile I spend an hour cleaning up the mess they leave me and tidying up all the crap left around the house. He pouts and is a complete jerk in the morning, this is the real reason I stay in bed. He puts me in a bad mood. He feels rushed. All he has to do is get dd dressed, pack her pre-made lunch and feed her. All this in an hour. I had to do that plus get the other 2 and myself ready and out the door. Just to get back to a mess.

I ask that he puts the laundry away, puts the garbage away, empties the dishwasher and gives ds a bath. He used to do supper dishes, but I do them now so he can give ds a bath. The garbage is always piled at the back door, the laundry is always piled on our dresser, he now refuses to empty the dishwasher because my mornings are too easy, but he still gives ds a bath. Then he tells me how good I have it because he's such a help.

I lost it on him this morning. I said I was done. My job is to nurture my children. That means playing games, going for walks, taking to special educational places and spending my day loving them. I have no time to do anything with my kids during the day. I'm done. My job is just that and that's what I'm going to do. I'm not doing laundry, vacuming, cooking, shopping, cleaning or any other household chore that is not a direct result of myself or ds living in the house. When dh comes home I'm off duty and I will be going outside to start staining the deck, landscaping and gardening. Once the outside is cleaned up then I will work on painting doors and baseboards and inside repairs. He can shop, cook and clean. The girls too for that matter. They are just as bad. At 5 and 7 they are capable of picking up their stuff and making sure their laundry is in the hamper.

Dh has had the luxery of not having to pick the kids up at daycare, so he can work late. I don't work so he also has the freedom to go in after hours when needed, or take a trip out of town (which happens all the time). He has built himself quite a career at my expense. I told him I wanted to go to University and it's been a hastle ever since. "It's too expensive". However, we can find the hundreds of dollars to put into his flying hobby.

Sorry. I've just had a really bad day. I feel used and neglected and taken advantage of. I feel like I have been giving all I can with no results. I feel like a cook and a maid, and that's just not my job. My job is mom and wife and I don't have time to be good at either of them. There's just too much work for one woman to handle. I spend hours cleaning just to have to clean again a couple hours later. It's exausting, and I'm tired.
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#2 of 6 Old 04-27-2005, 09:14 AM
 
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It sounds to me like you and your husband have some issues to work out that are unrelated to the division of labor. It sounds to me like you guys are trying to spite each other, which can't be healthy. I hope you guys are able to work things out in a way that's mutually satisfactory!

Namaste!
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#3 of 6 Old 04-27-2005, 09:50 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cjr
I lost it on him this morning. I said I was done. My job is to nurture my children. That means playing games, going for walks, taking to special educational places and spending my day loving them. I have no time to do anything with my kids during the day. I'm done. My job is just that and that's what I'm going to do. I'm not doing laundry, vacuming, cooking, shopping, cleaning or any other household chore that is not a direct result of myself or ds living in the house.
I think this is one reason SAHM and all moms feel very overwhelmed these days-- we're now expected to be, practically, developmental therapists, playmates, teachers, and activity managers for our children... while at the same time there is housework to be done. Way back when, it was more functional. Have you ever read Little House on the Prairie? The mom did housework and cooking from sunrise to sundown. She loved her kids but they were expected to behave, stay in line, stay out of thte way, and help out however they were directed.

I stink at housework. My house is usually pretty messy. DH helps out very little. My only rule with him is that instead of complaining, he should help out. Only after he has helped out with housework as much as I have, does he have the right to complain. Housework has to get done somehow, and it's always sort of tangled how it gets rationed out when the mom SAH.

definitely it sounds like your "roommates" have to start cleaning up after themselves. you are not a maid.
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#4 of 6 Old 04-27-2005, 09:59 AM
 
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Being a mom is the hardest job on the planet. I'm sorry your dh doesn't appreciate you.

I suggest making a list of demands just like workers do when they strike. That way your dh and dc will understand what you want, and what you see your role as.

I hope that your strike leads to a happier home for you all!

Laura, Mama to Mya 7/02, Ian 6/07 and Anna 8/09
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#5 of 6 Old 04-27-2005, 12:34 PM - Thread Starter
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We had a long talk last night. I explained how overwelmed I felt and went through one of my typical days with him. I explained that my SAH job needs to be treated like his WOH job. I have responsibilities to our kids and that's #1. When ds naps I will do what I can. After dinner we both need to take on a household chore and get it done.

We discussed the morning thing. I told him I didn't want to come down stairs because he was cranky and rushing everyone. He has an hour and 20 min which is more time than I ever had to get all 3 dressed, fed and out the door. I told him I would be happy to come down and make breakfast as long as I wasn't left with a 2 hour mess to clean up, and as long as he mellowed out. This morning went rather well. He emptied the dishwasher and got dd dressed while I was in the shower. I came down and made smoothies and oatmeal, and it only took me 10min to straighten up the kitchen.

He has issues with me being at home. I tried to WOH a couple of weeks ago and it was a dissaster. All he sees is our Cancun vacation waving good-bye. He knows I need to be at home, he wants me to be at home, he knows it's best for everyone, but he still misses my income. He makes great money and if we really tried we could put enough money away to go to Canun in a couple of years, but he doesn't see that. He knows that daycare for 3 kids would eat any kind of paycheck I could earn. He said he get jelous because I get to sleep in every morning. I told him that I would be happy to let him sleep in until 7:45 on the weekends. :LOL He laughed at me.

At least we're making progress. I'm not even expecting him to do a lot to help. Once chore after dinner would make the world of difference, along with putting stuff away...by everyone.
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#6 of 6 Old 04-27-2005, 01:33 PM
 
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Glad you guys talked and that today was better! Hope it continues for you!
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