Why are you the SAHP... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 128 Old 04-29-2005, 08:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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and your partner is not?
(for those with partners... if you don't have a partner I guess the question is already answered.)

Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

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#2 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 02:28 PM
 
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My earning potential is less. (And we are not exactly raking in the cash as it is, heh.)

Also, I lactate.
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#3 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 03:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sylith
My earning potential is less. (And we are not exactly raking in the cash as it is, heh.)

Also, I lactate.
:

Plus, I don't really enjoy working but hubby does - I mean the kind of work and structure involved in a "job", I always felt like I just wanted to get it over with so I could go back to my real life, whereas he gets fulfillment from the actual work. I've always yearned to be at home, after I got past the point of suppressing that feeling and thinking something was wrong with me because I wasn't inspired to have a "career". For years I thought I was just plain lazy.

There is no secret ingredient.
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#4 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 04:22 PM
 
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I believe it makes biological sense for the mother to be the SAHP.

My dh has higher earning potential.

I want to homeschool.

I believe it's where I'm supposed to be.
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#5 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 04:26 PM
 
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#1 I'm breastfeeding.

#2 DH makes 2x what I made.

#3 I can do my work from home - I'm a writer, have one book coming out next month and am working on #2.

DH would absolutely love to be home though. We always joke that he would make a better SAHM than me, other than his failure to lactate!
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#6 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 04:26 PM
 
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Dh has higher earning potential

I have a chronic illness that can get pretty ugly without a moments notice.

I enjoy being at home, for the most part.

"The true measure of a man is how he treats a man who can do him absolutely no good."
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#7 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 04:29 PM
 
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My husband is in the military. My earning potential was higher until a few years ago, but not when you included health insurance. Also, I like staying home and my husband wouldn't, at least not long term.

Ideally, we'd be able to switch off or both work part time. That will probably happen down the road, but not until our kids are older. I think it would be more beneficial now, but that just isn't in the cards for us.
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#8 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 04:30 PM
 
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I seem to be with everyone else, nursing and money.
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#9 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 04:38 PM
 
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It was a tough decision for us, mainly because I made twice as much as DH.

First of all my job was very stressful and it was taking a toll on our relationship. I was a nuclear engineer that worked rotating shifts - 7 day weeks usually 12 (sometimes up to 16) hours a day, 2 days off, then back to work at a different time. The money was nice but, as we quickly learned, money wasn't everything.

I have some medical issues that were costing us $100 - $200 a month in prescription copays for my medicines, and I am still on meds but now also get treatments that would cost us ~$5000 every 3 months.

DH is in the Navy and will be able to retire in just over 7 years. Military medical covers my treatments (which surprised me) and we will be able to keep the medical coverage (with a copay) after he retires. We will also be able to keep the prescription coverage (either free if we are near a base or cheap at regular pharmacies) - considering some of my meds cost over $300 for a month's supply this was a big bonus. Also his retirement pay, while not huge, will cover a mortgage payment.

Starting in January I will be working on my Master's degree. I found a good university that offers accredited Radiological Physics and Nuclear Engineering graduate programs via distance education, so I can take one or two classes a semester from home. (Yes, I'm a science geek )

After DH retires then I will go back to work and he will either stay home, go to college, go to work full time, or freelance with my dad - whatever he feels like at the time. The downside to this is that he goes to sea for months at a time (he's a submariner) and will miss parts of DS' life.

It was not an easy decision but it was the right one for our family, which is what's important.

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#10 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 04:43 PM
 
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I stay home because I am nursing. I also stay home because DH job is more marketable and we have to make sure we have a job before we move (which seems to be about every year or two)

Barbara:  an always learning SAHM of Ilana (11) and Aiden (8) living in Belgium with my amazing husband.

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#11 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 04:45 PM
 
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#12 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 05:00 PM
 
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I love being a SAHP.
Dh says that he would hate it.

Easy decision!
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#13 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 05:06 PM
 
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# 1 Nursing
# 2 While DH enjoys spending time with the tot, I prefer it and can handle it. I am way more social and a better multi-tasker- and make a better SAHP than he would.

I WAS the breadwinner. Now roles have reversed and it's just fine with me!
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#14 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 05:09 PM
 
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Because at this time, it would hurt like a knife in the gut if I had to go back to paid outside full time work away from my kids, while dh does not feel that way about paid-outside-the-home-work.

And money. And a while back, nursing.

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#15 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 05:14 PM
 
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Reverse situation, similar reasons. Money seems to be a big one.

I am the "working" spouse - I had a full-time job with a work permit when we lived overseas, where DD1 was born, and DH didn't. It didn't make sense for him to freelance for 12-14 hrs. a day to make what I was making with a more secure job, plus I kept getting raises and had better health insurance. I also have an MA in my field and a career-type job, now freelance, whereas he was doing a temporary-type job.

DH loves to stay at home, and I love my career, although I love working from my home office so that I can be with my family more. He is also interested in education as a career - what better preparation could there be?

By the way, pumping at the office did suck and so did leaving a tiny 3-mo. old baby every morning. The second time I was already freelance with a home office, so that made both of those issues easier.

PS Thanks for putting up with my posts here even though we are a SAHD/WAHM family instead of SAHM/WOHD. Reading your posts gives me better insight into DH's situation.

Mom "D" to DD1 "Z" (14) and DD2 "I" (11) DH "M"

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#16 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 05:19 PM
 
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#17 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 05:53 PM
 
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1 - DF has more earning potential than me. Big time.
2 - He enjoys his work (and I don't). While I'm not sure if being a SAHM all the time suits me, it's better than any job I've had. Finding something in this town in my field is unlikely anyway.
3 - Nursing. I hate pumping and DS doesn't care for the bottle.
4 - DF doesn't have the patience to be with DS all day. Plus DS just likes me better right now.

Mama to Marcus (1/05) and Arianna (3/10). hbac.gif

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#18 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 05:53 PM
 
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Because I'm nursing. I'm going to be the one homeschooling ds starting this fall. And really, between the two of us, I'm the one who'd rather do it.

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
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#19 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 09:30 PM
 
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I'm the SAHP because I want to be more than anything. Before dd1 was born, I was convinced that I would go back to work full-time. It wasn't that I loved my job, I just thought that the money was that important. Then she was born and I couldn't bear to do it. I did end up going back 25 hours and week and it just didn't get easier. After a lot of wrangling and negotiation, I quit when dd2 was born and here I am. It's hard, but I'm happy and never bored.

Dh feels about his job the way I feel about being home. He loves it and is so very good at it. I'm glad because I wouldn't feel as good being here if his work was just a job.

Thanks for reminding me how lucky I am.
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#20 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 09:36 PM
 
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boobs... I have them and he doesn't. LOL
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#21 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 09:45 PM
 
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I also lactate.I find it really helps when being a SAHP to small children

That~~~and don't flame me, but i beleive this is my place in this season in my life, as a woman.Dh is the breadwinner, fine with me.I always hated working anyhow.I am good at this.
I am a mom, I plan to homeschool.I take care of our house/kids the majority of the time.It took me a long time to get over the negative associations with being a SAHM( my mom worked, you figure it out and to accept my role as someone doing "domestic" work. I knew it was what i was suppossed/wanted to do, but wasn't quite confident.But now, I can honestly say I have never been so fulfilled and happy.I am happiest when I get up in the morning , run my daily marathon , and go to sleep bone tired with a clean house and happy, healthy clean kids.
Dh makes a decent amount. Kind of average were we live, but more than some.He is a software engineer.

Due with number 5 in August. We do all that crunchy stuff.
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#22 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 10:46 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leilalu
don't flame me, but i beleive this is my place in this season in my life, as a woman
Me too. It's not because I lactate...we had decided before ds was born that I would stay home. It's also not because of money...I made 3 times what dh makes (per hour, but I never worked as many hours as him.) Dh would LOVE to be at home rather than working, but I insist on staying home. This was clear before ds was conceived. I feel it is better for me as a woman to be home with my child. This doesn't mean that I think men can't do a wonderful job caring for children, but I think that a mother's instinct is a special thing and that mothering is very different than fathering. Both are important and valuable, but I feel that for all day parenting, my instincts take the cake. I think that women who work outside the home are often expected to care for the home also, whereas men are not.
Overall, I feel in my heart that I should be home with my child.
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#23 of 128 Old 05-03-2005, 11:09 PM
 
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It was just the logical choice for us I suppose. We knew for sure that one of us would stay home, or maybe we'd work a part time job each so one of us was always with him or something. We also plan to homeschool which affects the plans we make regarding ds. I never had any kind of career or calling or anything, just a series of crappy min. wage jobs in retail. Dh is a software engineer, and those corporations tend to have decent insurance policies and things like that that are important to us. Like unlimited sick time, so if I'm the one who's sick he can call out and it's ok.
We also knew I'd be nursing for at least a year or so, and figured that it would be much easier if ds simply had access to me most of hte time instead of worrying about bottles and pumps and finding time to pump on my shift on the salesfloor.

Now that ds is older the nursing could be worked around pretty easily, but my husband loves what he does. He's been writing code since he was 7 and is really good at it. I've seen him learn new programming languages literally overnight, more than once. While he is a great parent and loves his time with ds, he would not want to give up the fulfilment he gats from the challenge of his work. And I've found that while I'm not hte greatest housekeeper ever, or a gourmet chef, I love what I do. I have more patience for having a toddler up my butt all day :LOL and care more about taking care of our home. I like trying new recipes and having our 16 month old hold the dustpan when I sweep, even if it takes twice as much time and effort to actually ge tht estuff to the trashcan without landing back on the floor.

So I guess at the beginning our genders played a role in the decision, since I was the one lactating. But htis arrangement suits our personalities better. I like being home and having a slower pace to the day, don't mind doing hte same thing over and over and over and over.....(diaper changes, handwashing, vacuuming, etc..) and dh is better at being on the go more, new clients, new challenges, just generally a faster pace.

I hope I've answered the question in my rambling paragraphs
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#24 of 128 Old 05-04-2005, 12:12 AM
 
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For us it was a number of things ---

The first and most important being that I was much more sure of what I wanted my career to be - dh is still exploring - whereas I sort of feel like I KNOW I can take a few years off and go back in where I want to be...

not to mention....

I nursed the kids
I still cry when I leave ds2 whereas dh has pretty much been able to take off worry free for a few years
I find tons of well-paying freelance work
Moms are more social with other moms - we think dh might be lonely athome
Workplaces work more with moms who have taken time off than with dads

BJ
Barney & Ben
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#25 of 128 Old 05-04-2005, 12:14 AM
 
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Because I wanted to be. I was sick of the corporate work environment, and I wanted to "rest". Yeah right, SAHMing is so much work! But I love it and no regrets. Dh works for the State and his benefits are better than mine ever would have been.

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#26 of 128 Old 05-04-2005, 01:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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In the beginning, it was an easy choice because I had lost my job and dh had one. Dh also didn't feel comfortable doing it then and I didn't want to leave dd.
Now I think I am better at taking care of dd- not because I am a woman but just because I've spent so much more time with her and know her routine better. I know how to handle her in ways dh doesn't. I am more patient with her. I would also like to homeschool.
I asked the question because dh recently suggested that I get a job he heard about and he'll stay home. I'm kind of hesitant to do that because I think that I would still be the one doing all the housework and dh wouldn't do as much with dd. I think he views it as a vacation not a commitment. I envision coming home every single day to no dinner, the house trashed, dh napping or surfing the internet, dd not dressed and having watched TV all day. I think I'd spend the rest of the night mad, cleaning and taking care of dd. If dh was the SAHP I think dd would be in school too.

Some of you have listed some things that I didn't think about.

Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

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#27 of 128 Old 05-04-2005, 01:21 AM
 
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Honestly...right now, even though I LOVE staying home, I really need to go back to work, and have DH SAH.

That probably won't happen, but in an ideal world, that would be great.

I have always made twice as much money as he does. I am very marketable and seem to be utterly employable. The last three jobs I had, I never applied for - they called me at home and asked me to come interview.

However. DH works at his family business, and even though he is treated like total crap, he puts up with it because he told his dad he'd stay there.

We have begun to have some serious financial issues though that cannot be remedied with just him working. I don't want to work FT, even if it's an off shift, if he is.

We both agree that it is better for the girls that one of use be at home with them right now. We are just at an impasse over why it should be him right now....

And since I refuse for both of us to work FT, right now I'm the SAHM...
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#28 of 128 Old 05-04-2005, 01:23 AM
 
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Money. He makes waaaay more than I could. He'd be a good SAHD. I'd miss dd if I were going to work, but I also know she'd be in excellent hands.
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#29 of 128 Old 05-04-2005, 10:56 AM
 
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Well, it wasn't the original plan. It was gonna be DH that stayed home, after my 12 week maternity leave, because I made almost twice as much as him and my job was right around the corner, while he had a long commute. DH really wanted to stay home, and I wasn't thrilled about the idea.

That was before my son was born.

But before I got pregnant with DD, I got laid off and had to take a job with an hour-and-a-half commute, and DH coincidentally right about that time moved to a job much closer to home that will ultimately be a tenured position. I still made more, but when I was only a few months pregnant I realized that I could never, ever sustain the pace of a 13 to 14 hour workday pregnant, let alone with a baby.

So I left my job, and took a part-time job, and the rest, as they say, is history. I stay home so that both DH and I can stay close to home, even though it means we cut out two-thirds of our income. And now I find that I love it, and we're talking about homeschool, which DH says he'd never have the patience for, so it looks like I'll be home for a while.

I do still go out to work about 6 to 9 hours a week, just to take a break and give DH time to be a dad on his own terms.

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#30 of 128 Old 05-04-2005, 11:48 AM
 
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Because T can't. Seriously, he's told me a thousand times that he goes nuts if he's home for more than a few weeks without some sort of earning going on from his end. Which I saw first hand this winter when he was laid off for almost four months. He was getting seriously depressed and upset with himself, our place in life, the whole thing. The girls and I seemed to be his only joy, and after awhile it got to the point where it seemed like he was guilt tripping over the fact that I was working.

Now that I medically can't work, and he's back to work full time, things are going so much better. Once we are in our own place, I'll have alot more to do adn the freedom to do it, and i can't wait. Our eventual goal is for him to get back in to professional landscaping and I'll be doing the paperwork end of that, the phone and going out on jobs as needed.
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