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#61 of 80 Old 09-13-2005, 03:31 PM
 
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Sharlla,
That is very interesting. I find I work very hard to keep our house running smoothly--and although I do most everything it takes to keep our house clean and my kids well fed and take care of them at the same time--I would never call it "nothing" or "effortless". It is my life's work and pretty much the opposite of those.
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#62 of 80 Old 09-13-2005, 05:13 PM
 
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Everyone is different. I have a small house and because I do have certain chores on certain days it really doesn't get dirty. Like today I'm vacuming all the floors (10 mins) and putting away laundry (10 mins) picking up clutter (10 mins) Mope (10 mins) make bed (1minute) just a lot of little things that don't take much time to do.

DInner takes about 10 mins of prep and dishes about 10 mins. Not really a big deal in my book.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#63 of 80 Old 09-13-2005, 05:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by LisainCalifornia
Sharlla,
That is very interesting. I find I work very hard to keep our house running smoothly--and although I do most everything it takes to keep our house clean and my kids well fed and take care of them at the same time--I would never call it "nothing" or "effortless". It is my life's work and pretty much the opposite of those.
Same here.

It takes more than 10 minutes for me to make healthy meals, and my kids are great at making messes (at least now they are old enough to help clean them up). I don't understand how anyone with 2 kids would have just 3 loads of laundry a week. Heck, I did 3 loads yesterday of clothes yesterday and today I'm doing the towels. I spend a great deal of time intereacting with my kids, listening to them read, etc.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#64 of 80 Old 09-13-2005, 05:50 PM
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Takes me no more than 10 minutes to prep a healthy meal. I do it in the morning, and toss it in the crockpot.

The latest:

Chicken Legs BBQ Sauce, and potatoes cut into cubes



Crock Pot is good for a SAHM as well as a WOHM.

I luuuuuuv mine. Makes things so much easyer, one less worry, and it also uses up less hydro than an oven.
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#65 of 80 Old 09-13-2005, 05:55 PM
 
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I wish it was easier for me to take care of day to day tasks. It's actually one of my biggest challenges in my relatively new (15 mo) role as a SAHM. I was very productive in the work force, and I have a difficult time feeling like I just can't get anything done around here. Actually, it's been negatively effecting my self-esteem lately. DH doesn't sweat me about it, but I get pretty down on myself sometimes.
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#66 of 80 Old 09-13-2005, 07:16 PM
 
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Just because the prep time is minimal doesn't mean I am serving crap for dinner.

Working with 6 dementia patients at one time I had to learn to get my tasks done quickly. So I work really fast.

As far as laundry goes, I never understood why people have a ton of laundry. Where does it all come from? I admit that some of my clothes I do wear more than once. Towels get rehung and used more than once. But sheets always get washed every week. I forgot to factor in the cloth diaper that I wash by hand every 3 days or so.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#67 of 80 Old 09-13-2005, 08:10 PM
 
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That's great that you can prep a healthy meal in 10 minutes, but certainly you must realize that that's not the case for most people, right? Do you do all your meal planning on the weekends? How often do you go to the store? I used to be able to go weekly, but these days, it seems that I'm there at least 3xweek and it's driving me nuts! I would love to hear some of your tips and tricks for getting this done so easily.

And you know.... I don't understand why we have so much laundry either! I think part of it stems from when we lived in the city and had to do it at a laudromat. I think we ended up just buying more clothes so we wouldn't have to do it as often. And I also have an "i have laundry" hang-up that's lingering from that city living, as well. I have this silly mental block about it, when really, it's not difficult to do. I talked to my mom about how she keeps up with the laundry and she said she resinged herself long ago to doing laundry every.single.day. That way, it never gets piled up. I am not in that headspace yet, but I keep reminding myself of that conversation, and I do see that I am a bit better about it. (But not today. :LOL : )
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#68 of 80 Old 09-13-2005, 08:18 PM
 
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I'm quitting this thread because I feel defensive about the fact that I find raising kids and running my home to be actual work.

I like my life and I know that I'm a good mom, but I don't come here to explain why I have as much laundry as I do.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#69 of 80 Old 09-13-2005, 08:21 PM
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bah. Don't go.

I find it hard work too.

My achillies heel when it comes to housework, is dishes. I HATE DOING DISHES. I always manage to have a HUGE pile, even though most of the time it's just DD and myself

Like it's insane.

Oh yeah, and floors. I hate sweeping/mopping floors too.

I rather spend time reading to my DD than doing that stuff. Laundry, no big deal except the fact that it drags me out of bed earlyer than I want...
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#70 of 80 Old 09-13-2005, 09:12 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move
I quitting this thread because I feel defense about the fact that I find raising kids and running my home to be actual work.

I like my life and I know that I'm a good mom, but I don't come here to explain why I have as much laundry as I do.
I feel exactly the same way. I think if you devalue what we do to the point where it is effortless and nothing, it really takes the "support" out of a support board.
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#71 of 80 Old 09-13-2005, 10:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by oceanbaby
Maybe I'm the wrong person to ask, cuz dh does all those things every day after coming home from work.

The way I look at it is we are both working during the day - me at home and him in an office. When we are both home, we are both on equal duty.

So my answer is no, I don't think it is unreasonable.
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#72 of 80 Old 09-13-2005, 10:44 PM
 
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apparently it's too much for mine to handle :/
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#73 of 80 Old 09-14-2005, 03:09 AM
 
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That's great that you can prep a healthy meal in 10 minutes, but certainly you must realize that that's not the case for most people, right? Yes, but why should I have to hide my acheivement or the way I run a house because other people run theirs differently?

Do you do all your meal planning on the weekends? How often do you go to the store? I just write out what I plan on having for meal that week down before DH gets home and make a list accordingly. During the week I write down on the note pad what I ran out of or what I am about to run out of. I do a big shopping trip once a week (usually on thursdays because the stores put out their flyers on wed. and I want to make sure I get all the sales prices, i shop at walmart and they give me competitors prices, I go later at night after I cook dinner and I leave my older son at home plus I use that time to talk on my cell phone as after 7PM I get free mins)

I go to this other store for videos a couple time a week (they rent 99 cent new releases and you get a free kids movie, if you rent on mon and wed you get to keep the movie for 2 nights instead of 1) and if there is something that I happen to need I get it.

I have wednesday play group (usually lasts about 4 hours) I will pop into the dollar store on the way home and see what kind of grocery items they have that I could use for meals. Honestly though, I love shopping. Getting the best deals is almost a hobby for me. hehe


And you know.... I don't understand why we have so much laundry either! I think part of it stems from when we lived in the city and had to do it at a laudromat. I take my laundry over to my MIL's house (we don't have a washer either) and that is time that she gets to see the grandkids and I visit with her. I have an extra shower pole (I prefer that over a wood rack or one of those shower clothes lines) that I hang in the middle of the shower and drape the diapers (I use flats and covers) over hanger and just hang overnight. Washing them is fairly simple. I use a dry bucket so I fill it up with soapy water, let sit for a while, go back and put teh diapers in more soapy water with washing soda. let sit longer. Work the diapes really good, then wring out, do one rince, back in the bucket and to the bathtub where I do another rince before I hang. [/QUOTE]

I guess how I feel is that I love what I do, when I worked I took care of people, I cooked for them, cleaned them, did their laundry, cleaned the house. Again, I absolutely love doing this. I cannot express how much I enjoy keeping a clean house, working out how I could do things more efficently (I am always thinking about this) how to save more money ect. So of course it's not "work" to me. I have a pretty stressfree life, that's is just the kind of person that I am. Not everyone is like me. Not everyone only had two kids to care for or a tiny house (735 sq. Ft)

Another reason why its easy is because it never really gets messy. DH rarely goes into the kitchen for anything and he doens't make messes. Wes is old enough that he picks up after himself. And Seth is only 3 month so of course he's not making any messes. Because I am the only one that works in the kitchen there are never any surprise dishes in the sink. Really the bulk of the cleaning is just maintenance.

So me saying that my staying at home seems effortless should not make anyone else feel like their jobs are less. I only asked about the laundry becaus I hear that a lot and just wanted to know where it all came from. i was not trying to be rude. I was trying to be nice by offering tips on how to keep laundry down. I am sorry for sharing, perhaps this is not the right forum for me.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#74 of 80 Old 09-14-2005, 01:31 PM
 
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Okay... Linda and Sharlla! You BOTH belong here! I see a lot of this around MDC these days and it makes me sad. I love that there are a variety of opinons and expereinces here and no one should feel bad for theirs. Please stay - you both have contributed a lot to this thread!

Linda, I share your frustrations with getting it all done. No WAY are you alone in that. You don't have to defend anything here. Please don't go.

And Sharlla, you certainly shouldn't have to hide your accomplishments! I think a lot people (myself included) get defensive when we hear other people talk about how the work is "no big deal" because for many of us, it IS a big deal. I think sticking around for the conversation and asking questions about how you've made it not be a big deal for you are how we can bridge the gap. And I would ask you the same thing... how on earth do you only have 3 loads per week??? :LOL Even when I am caught up and just doing the newly dirty clothes, I have 2 loads a day, it seems. (Not that I am ever really caught up. : )

Thanks for your tips about shopping. Part of my problem is that I live in a smallish town and we don't have a dollar store or anything like that. All we have it the regular grocery stores and one expensive gourmet market (which is the only place I can get organic meat and dairy). Couple that with a very picky DH who will NOT just eat any ol' dinner I throw on the table. He says, just cook and if I don't like it, I won't eat it, but that seems like even more of a waste of time for me. And on top of all that, my stepson has a VERY restricted diet, so he eats a completely different dinner that us almost every night. And then DD eats at 5:30, usually while I am cooking dinner, so that's another meal I prep separately for her, as well. It's usually leftovers, so it only takes a couple of minutes, but still. So yeah, 10 minutes on dinner is totally never gonna happen around here. Are you feeling my madness now?

And heck YEAH it would be way easier if I was the only one making messes! My DH isn't the best about picking up after himself and I don't have the energy to nag him about it anymore. He is 41 years old and those stripes aren't changing anytime soon. My stepson is 13 and special needs, so getting him to pick up after himself is also a constant reminding situation and sometimes it's just easier to do it myself. My DD is 15 mo and into EVERYTHING... all the time! I can't fold clothes without her "helping" me and it ends up taking twice as long becuase I have to fold everything twice, it seems.

And about it not being "work" to you, Sharlla.... I think that's great. I think we, as a culture (western), have the wrong attitude about work. Work SHOULD fulfill, make one feel a sense of accomplishment, make us feel proud of ourselves and what we do. But we have become quite bogged down in thinking work is something we should try to avoid, and if we could just have fun all the time, why wouldn't we? I am trying to remind myself of this each day and remember that the work I am doing is from the heart, for my family, so we can enjoy our home and our lives together. When I think of it that way, I tend to not feel as burdened about it, but rather feel a real sense of accomplishment. But it is a challenge for me. Sharlla, I like your prespective.... why not be more positive about it and approach it from a care-giving standpoint? Thanks for helping to remind me of that.
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#75 of 80 Old 09-14-2005, 01:36 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharlla
I'm not her but I can answer. I use to work outside the home sometimes opposite days as dh and sometimes (2 years) he stayed home. I have ALWAYS done all the house work, cooking, laundry ect. no matter what situation we were doing. I have no problems doing all of it. It's simple to just spend a hour a day cleaning the house. Easy to do a 3 loads of laundry every week. These are things I enjoy doing and I don't feel that's it a huge job.

Now that I am staying home I definitely feel that these are my responsibilites as my work takes a minimum amount of time. Some days we go out to parks, friends, ect and I barely do anything except dinner and dishes (i wash by hand and takes me about 5 mins to clean up the mess) DH and I never fight about housework. To me it's almost effortless. What's the point tio fight about something so trivial?
Sounds like everything is working great for your family!

But here is one reason you may want to get yoru dh more involved in the housework. Most likely your son (if he is heterosexual) will not partner with a woman who loves housework and is so efficient at it. If they both work full time, most likely his wife will expect that he put in 50% of the housework. If she is a sahm, most likely she will expect him to do some housework at night and some housework on weekends. If your son, from his earliest expereience has seen hosuework as a women's responsibility, as a mother's responsibility (since that is what is modeled), he may have a hard time adjusting.

Not that there aren't other ways to address it. But something to think about. Whatever the cliche, men don't usually end up marrying women like their mothers
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#76 of 80 Old 09-14-2005, 05:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by oceanbaby
Maybe I'm the wrong person to ask, cuz dh does all those things every day after coming home from work.

The way I look at it is we are both working during the day - me at home and him in an office. When we are both home, we are both on equal duty.

So my answer is no, I don't think it is unreasonable.
Couldn't have said it better myself.

We are working on a routine here, where we set up a calendar at the beginning of the week, which allows each of us to have some time to pursue personal goals (exercising, chores, etc). The rest of the time we both pitch in to get dinner over with, dishes done, kids to bed.

When I am at home, I make ever effort to get the dishes done, and catch the laundry up. However, I am home to take care of the kids, not to be a house maid. If it doesn't get done during the day, we divide and conquer it at night. Sometimes he takes the kids outside or downstairs to play while I work, others the kids watch a video while we both bust our butts to make the house tolerable.

Suggest to your dh that you are a team during his off hours. If that doesn't work, leave him alone to deal with both the kids and the housework for 2 days (not nights) in a row. See how he likes it.
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#77 of 80 Old 09-14-2005, 06:12 PM
 
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In my marriage, we have had to really deal with these issues but we've come out to a better place. When we married we were a part of a religious system and regional culture that expected women working or not to do most of the domestic responsibilities and to do most of the parenting. We left that religious group and moved out of that region and we had a lot of issues to work through. Things I used to be fine with I no longer was out of my new found sense of self-respect and my need for a sense of equality. I used to feel obligated and holy for working myself to the bone so he could relax in our lovely clean house with fabulous food. I don't feel that way anymore. He wants to have his partner feel respected so we talked many many times and devoted quite a few intense conversations to the issue. We still deal with it some.

Now we both participate in our home and parenting. I still do more because I am the "present body" during the day. But he is very involved with our dd - much more than he was before. He also went through a lot of depression and a bit o alcohol binging for a little while there when we left the church so he was kind of MIA as a parent/partner even though we were still together.

We both contribute and I'm finding I contribute in some areas I didn't before like more physical work and some financial things he used to handle. If what you're doing works for you - more power to you. For me we had to have changes for my personal sense of dignity. I could not be my mother - the perpetual slave that did it all so my dad could put his feet up and bark from the other room "is dinner done yet?" while he watched tv.

I am working on starting my own business to contribute to our finances as well but that will be minimal and is slow going as of yet anyways.

I also spend a great amount of my day interacting with dd and providing learning experiences for dd. It takes a great amount of my energy to be the kind of parent I feel I should be. I also cook a lot of food from scratch so that takes a lot of time and makes for a long clean up in the kitchen each day.
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#78 of 80 Old 09-14-2005, 06:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharlla
Yes, but why should I have to hide my acheivement or the way I run a house because other people run theirs differently?
This thread was started by a woman who wants her husband to do a little bit to help around the house on the days that he doesn't work. Your response is that you do everything, it is effortless, and it isn't worth fighting over.

I fail to see how that is supportive.

For someone who wants their DH to get off his butt and do something to help, the answer is not to use the crock pot more often or make sure that towels get hung up. It is a heck of a lot deeper than that. And to me, it is worth fighting over.

For most married women I know IRL, how to divide the work with their spouse in an equitable way showing respect for the different contributions each partner makes is an issue at some point. Some of us have resolved it and our marriages have grown stronger, and some haven't. For me, the solution had to be equitable and it had to show respect for the real work of running home.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#79 of 80 Old 09-14-2005, 07:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamawanabe
Most likely your son (if he is heterosexual) will not partner with a woman who loves housework and is so efficient at it. If they both work full time, most likely his wife will expect that he put in 50% of the housework. If she is a sahm, most likely she will expect him to do some housework at night and some housework on weekends. If your son, from his earliest expereience has seen hosuework as a women's responsibility, as a mother's responsibility (since that is what is modeled), he may have a hard time adjusting.

I have had thought of this, but really I can't make DH do anything. I don't want to cause discord i my marriage. Even as a SAHD he didn't do any house work and said that he would rather go get a job than wash dishes. So I can either deal with it (like I said I prefer to do all this) or start fights that will cause tention in my family.

Of course if I were working outside the home I would want him to help out more around the house, but at the moment I stay home and he works 7 days a week. (5 days at work and 2 days working on our home) So it just seems unfair of me to ask him to do something other than yard work and fixing stuff.

My mother and grandmother are to blame for this, they too did all the housework, childcare, and cooking in the family. So this is what I grew up watching old fashioned male/female gender roles.

As far as my contibution to this thread, someone asked: I am curious how this has worked out for you as a stay at home mom? Do you think it *is* nasty that as the SAHM you do all the cooking and cleaning as well as caring for your child, or is it working out well for you? I was wondering why you used the term "nasty people"? Have you always been a SAHM, or did you start out working and then chose to stay home with your child? and I answered that question. My reply was not to the OP.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#80 of 80 Old 09-15-2005, 10:08 AM
 
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It can really let the wind out of someone's sails when they talk about how difficult something is and someone responds "really? Because it's SOO easy for me!" It would be like a gifted student talking to one of my dh's special ed students and saying, "really? Algebra is hard for you? Because it's SOOO easy for me." Even if directed to another post, it can still indirectly by interpreted by most people as a dig against the op.

I don't have the housekeeping 'gift'. I am a very hard worker and a fabulous organizer, but I don't do well at keeping things organized after I do the initial organizing. Part of this is just the artist side of me. Housework is emotionally very draining work for me. All repetative work is this way for me. It drives me insane. I still do it - my house isn't all that aweful - some days it even looks like a catalogue house - but many it is littered with toys and crafts projects and the kitchen is full of dishes from the extensive amount of cooking I do (often 3 cooked meals a day).

What is simple to one person is complicated to another.

As far as laundry - I know why we have 6+ loads a week - dh excersizes after work, takes 2 showers a day, dd gets messy many times a day between food and crafts, dd often gets me messy in the process. I use cloth towels instead of paper so that's more wash as well.

I can paint this but I can't keep up with my house most days. Einstien could work scientific wonders but got lost on his way home often - he couldn't remember the way. We each have our talents and shortcomings. If housework is a breeze for you and torture to your spouse and you enjoy it maybe you should do it. I do the taxes in our house because my mind works that way - there is no inequality in that. If your spouse works a million hours a week in a coal mine you may have to contribute more than the sah spouse of a part time executive. It's a balance we all have to find but there is more to it that just dishes and laundry. Be careful what you teach your children to expect from their future spouses.
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