Anyone plan to be a SAHM indefinitely? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 101 Old 08-30-2005, 12:55 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cole
Just to offer a different perspective. I was raised by a SAH mom who loved it, was very involved, lots of volunteer stuff, etc. She always stated her intentions of SAH indefinently up until after I (the eldest of 5) was 18 and the youngest 8. Then she decided she was jealous of my life (she had married and had kids young) and my siblings lives as they grew up. She also decided that maybe living through us (which she definently was doing... to the point of nearly ruining our very good relationship by being that over bearing mom while I was college) wasn't such a good idea anymore. In a matter of a year or two she had enrolled in school, got an RN and now loves working. Almost a decade later, we have to remind her that the very responsible youngest (now 15) is still at home!!! It also has done wonders for her sense of self worth. We are all very proud of her.

All that to say never say never... Its fine to say that you can't see going back to work in the near or even distant future, but life changes and you just might find that you need to change with it!
I really don't appreciate this post in a SAHM Forum. I don't belive a single second that the motivation behind this is just to give us a different perspective.
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#62 of 101 Old 08-30-2005, 01:00 AM
 
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Originally Posted by judejude
Well, when they go to school or other activities, when they're older -- that is part of the fun of being a SAHM. You get to volunteer at their school, do volunteer work outside of that, take some time for yourself that you never had before.

If you're lucky enough to find a job that allows you to work only the hours that match up with your childs school then you're super lucky.
But those hours go fast on those school days and it is so cool to have the energy and enthusiasm when your kid comes home at the end of that day.

Just my 2 cents
And *cough cough* I personally also like the afct that I can nap during noon :LOL
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#63 of 101 Old 08-30-2005, 02:51 AM
 
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I would like to get some kind of part time job in the future (maybe 10 hours a week) that will give DH alone time with the kids but allow me to do something that I love (caring for the elderly)

So far one of us has been a SAHP or we worked different days.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#64 of 101 Old 08-30-2005, 08:10 PM
 
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I've been a SAHM for little over 3 years now; although we originally never planned it that way. I love staying home. None of the other jobs I had were as gratifying. Staying at home I have found my "nitch". Not that I do not enjoy working. I used to work pt about 10 hours a week at a children's consignment store in seattle. I found it very gratifying. I want to work maybe about the same amount of hours at a coffee house or bookstore. I like to meet other people and I like jobs that make me feel like a part of the community. Dh gets to spend time with our children. My pt jobs have been good for our family dynamics.
We are homeschooling and plan to have more children, so I do not see myself going back to the workplace full-time any time soon. But life is unpredictable. I have had to take temp jobs (like when my dh was laid off) to help my family or what-not. I think the most important thing is to have the positive assumption that we all are doing the best we can for the people we love. Mothers are already under the microscope no matter what we do. If we go to work, we're selfish. If we stay at home, we have no life. I think the best thing to do is to support each other and realize that everyone's situation is different.

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#65 of 101 Old 08-31-2005, 05:48 PM
 
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To remind, I was the "different perspective" poster.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawanabe
I'm not. But I plan to be as soon as I have a baby (TTC next month) and finish the diss (hopefully not in that order). Do you think I shouldn't post in this forum? What if I was only 24, ttc next month, and planning to be a sahm when the babe was born?
This is me exactly (age and TTC) and I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do... SAHM (which I really lean towards) or WOHM (because I have a great dream job and we depend on my benifits BLAH BLAH BLAH)... so I frequent both forums. I thought I was welcome to post, but I see not.

I think SAHM is GREAT! And for the record, my Mom would tell you that she CHOOSE to be a SAHM and was VERY happy as a SAHM for the first 18 years... and then things changed (and not because she divoriced or anything). AND she is not very old... ony 46, so likely she isn't THAT much older than most of you. AND my Mom and I do very well now. I really didn't mean to bash and was away for the weekend so couldn't defend myself. I truly just wanted to see if everyone really "knew" that they wanted to be a SAHM "forever"... I see that the majority of you do, but there are a few doubters. Perhaps because I didn't explicitly express my intent, I was missunderstood... but is that reason to flame me?

BUT, now that I've been so throughouly trashed, I will be bowing out of the discussion and will avoid posting in this forum again even if I do SAH... apparently anybody who doesn't fit exactly in your mold isn't welcome.
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#66 of 101 Old 09-01-2005, 12:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OT: Again, everyone is welcome on this site, but when it is a thread meant for support, looking for like minded people and not asking for advice or a debate, then it is best to only post if you are in the supportive mode and have cool stuff to say about the topic.........otherwise it defeats the purpose and we're back to the SAH, WAH or work away from home debate which you can find anywhere in the world.

This was meant to finally single out moms who all love SAH and want to continue doing so.
The intention wasn't to analyze, question or show "the other side".

It's not a mean thing--- it's just a "not in the right thread" thing.

--Judy

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#67 of 101 Old 09-01-2005, 12:50 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by judejude
OT: Again, everyone is welcome on this site, but when it is a thread meant for support, looking for like minded people and not asking for advice or a debate, then it is best to only post if you are in the supportive mode and have cool stuff to say about the topic.........otherwise it defeats the purpose and we're back to the SAH, WAH or work away from home debate which you can find anywhere in the world.

This was meant to finally single out moms who all love SAH and want to continue doing so.
The intention wasn't to analyze, question or show "the other side".

It's not a mean thing--- it's just a "not in the right thread" thing.

--Judy
I agree completely. But I would add that even in support threads in a sahm forum, posters should and will be called on saying things like sahm results in "better kids" etc.
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#68 of 101 Old 09-01-2005, 04:56 PM
 
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I was a 'career waitress' before I met my dh Chas. We have been married for 2 1/2 years and I came into the marriage with 2 little boys, then we had Charlie in December of 04. We decided together that I should stay home and I was elated! Then I made the decision to homeschool my boys and my dh was all for it.
I believe I have been called by God to be a wife, mother, homemaker, and homeschooler. There is no higher calling! I am queen of my castle, and I wouldn't have it any other way!
However...I am actively seeking a way to bring in some additional income without having to go out to work. I do get $ in the form of child support, but it's barely enough to cover groceries. I am looking into freelance writing, ebay selling, and some other things.
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#69 of 101 Old 09-01-2005, 06:38 PM
 
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I love being a sahm. For the first time in my life I feel like I am not waiting to get "through" anything, but just enjoying where I am at. My kids have taught me to live in the moment. I don't think I really ever want to start a career. I would ideally sah with them the entire time they are here. I may end up having to go to work once the youngest is in school though, in order to help out financially so that we can buy a house.
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#70 of 101 Old 09-07-2005, 04:42 PM
 
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When people ask me if I am going back to work, I say, "I am at work." So do I ever plan on returning to work? I don't believe I left. I just changed careers. SAHMing is the most important job I will ever do. Will I do go back to getting-a-paycheck type of work? I can't answer that now, but if I never do, I won't feel like I missed out on something.
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#71 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 01:24 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawanabe
But I would add that even in support threads in a sahm forum, posters should and will be called on saying things like sahm results in "better kids" etc.
Why? How many hours a day to you spend caring for children?

Tell us about YOUR personal experience wiping butts, blowing noses, dealing with toy desputes, answering questions about hurricanes, putting on baid aids, explaining death, discussing sex, making healthy snacks, insisting that safety rules are followed, helping a child learn to read, holding a child who cries and cries no matter what you do, comforting a child after a nightmare, and on and on and on.

You are not a SAHM and yet you come here and talk down to us. You have NO PLACE calling on poster here for what they say.

I have been a SAHM for nearly nine years and will be home for the foreseeable future. I am around kids all day -- my own kids, my neighbors' kids (I'm the only SAHM on the block so I watch the latch-key kids) and my girl scout troop -- and that's just the kids that I am responsible for and take care of. I am also around my friends' kids and the other kids at activities my kids are in.

Please don't try to tell ME anything about raising kids or what matters. I am here in the trenches EVERY DAY ALL DAY. I am helping raise kids who don't have SAHMs. You don't have a clue.

It matters when a parent stays home and anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves. This is not the place to debate this. If you don't believe this, then I don't see why you are here.

I love being home with my kids. I feel very lucky and blessed, and I feel my kids are lucky and blessed as well.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#72 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 01:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ya, can we just have people here who agree about being a SAHM. That's the purpose of this thread and of this whole section of mothering.

This debate crap is why I post on the SAHM page because the idea is not having to debate this same tired issue for the millionth time.

Can we just stick to the support thing 'cause this thread is real depressing otherwise.

I bet the debater people could start their own thread.

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#73 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 01:52 AM
 
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To answer the OP~ Well, I plan to be a SAHM as long as needed. If that means indefinately, then so be it. We HS so as far as I can see, I will be a SAHM for at least the next 13-15 years. After that, we will re-evaluate.
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#74 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 02:01 AM
 
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Do any of us stay home because we truly want to or because it feels like an obligation?
WOW- I couldn't feel more differently!! Staying at home is not an obligation, it is very hard, but I am privileged to have this opportunity. I am now at a point where my girls need me however, not every min. of the day. That allows me great freedom to take care of myself and provide for my family more.

I went back to work part-time weeks after the girls were born. It was a very positive thing I did, it gave us a little extra money, it gave me some time away form home, my husband learned how to and how hard it is to take care to twins, and most importantly my girls have become well adjusted and do well when left with others. Sorry, I have gone a little of topic. However, I wanted to point out that I feel very privilege to have been able to make a choice. I am defiantly not trapped. Even if our economic situation was different I basically would have done things the same. I wanted my children to be raised with a close connection to both my DH and I. And, I have found that being a SHAM and working part-time has help facilitate that. This is the life I wanted for myself and my family.

So, will I be a SHAM forever? I guess I never was.
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#75 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 08:39 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by judejude
Ya, can we just have people here who agree about being a SAHM. That's the purpose of this thread and of this whole section of mothering.

This debate crap is why I post on the SAHM page because the idea is not having to debate this same tired issue for the millionth time.

Can we just stick to the support thing 'cause this thread is real depressing otherwise.

I bet the debater people could start their own thread.
I agree with ME being a sahm. Does that mean that I can post here. Or do I have to agree that everyone should be a sahm?

BTW, But "No debate" doesn't mean that we can say things like sahm result in better kids. There was sticky up for a while in this forum about the kind of posts that would result in locked thread - posts that put soen wohm. Support is a good thing, but when supprt comes at the expense of other AP members of this mothering community (womh), it isn't so much a good thing.
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#76 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 08:55 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move
Why? How many hours a day to you spend caring for children?

Tell us about YOUR personal experience wiping butts, blowing noses, dealing with toy desputes, answering questions about hurricanes, putting on baid aids, explaining death, discussing sex, making healthy snacks, insisting that safety rules are followed, helping a child learn to read, holding a child who cries and cries no matter what you do, comforting a child after a nightmare, and on and on and on.

You are not a SAHM and yet you come here and talk down to us. You have NO PLACE calling on poster here for what they say.

I have been a SAHM for nearly nine years and will be home for the foreseeable future. I am around kids all day -- my own kids, my neighbors' kids (I'm the only SAHM on the block so I watch the latch-key kids) and my girl scout troop -- and that's just the kids that I am responsible for and take care of. I am also around my friends' kids and the other kids at activities my kids are in.

Please don't try to tell ME anything about raising kids or what matters. I am here in the trenches EVERY DAY ALL DAY. I am helping raise kids who don't have SAHMs. You don't have a clue.

It matters when a parent stays home and anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves. This is not the place to debate this. If you don't believe this, then I don't see why you are here.

I love being home with my kids. I feel very lucky and blessed, and I feel my kids are lucky and blessed as well.
Very, intense post. Not sure where that came from. Here's my reply.

1) Just because I want to be a sahm doesn't mean that I think that it is the best and thus only way.

2) Posters don't need to think it is the best and thus only way in order to want to engage in this fourm with the sahm issues they do/will deal with.

3) If posters who say disparaging things about wohm - threads will be locked (there was a sticky about this for a while). Saying sahm raises "better" kids is untrue AND a way to bash wohm moms.

4) The no debate rule DOESN"T mean that there is no difference of opinion among posters in this forum whether sahm is the best and thus only way. It means we can't enage in the old, divisive wohm vs. sahm debates, debates that statements like sahm raise "better" kids incite.

5) I wasn't talking down.
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#77 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 08:55 AM
 
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I'm kind of new to the whole sahm thing- been one since aug 03. I had a career in banking- but was more than happy to walk away from it with my head held high and I decided to be the primary caregiver to my children. I enjoyed my work until I became management- that changed my whole perspective.
So many opportunites are available to us now that I stay home. I can homeschool, travel, learn with my kids about everything! And don't have the workforce blues looming over my head.
The major stresses in my life are actually nothing compared to those mamas who work and raise children- and frankly I couldn't handle doing that.
Dh and I personally feel, as Catholics, that my primary responsibility is to be the teacher for our children. And that education, we feel, will never end. I accept this responsibility with open arms and love every single crazy moment of it.
There are certainly days where I could pull my hair out from the zaniness of my kids, but I have found my own outlets to recollect myself.
I hope to continue being a sahm for a very very long time.
Lots of love!

Mama to 5 babies. UCer, too!
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#78 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 09:01 AM
 
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[/QUOTE] Staying at home is not an obligation, it is very hard, but I am privileged to have this opportunity. [/QUOTE]

yes, for me it isn't an obligation either. It isn't something I have to do. Rather it is something I WANT to do.
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#79 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 11:44 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by judejude
Ya, can we just have people here who agree about being a SAHM. That's the purpose of this thread and of this whole section of mothering.

This debate crap is why I post on the SAHM page because the idea is not having to debate this same tired issue for the millionth time.

Can we just stick to the support thing 'cause this thread is real depressing otherwise.

I bet the debater people could start their own thread.
Thought of a way to say this :

This thread and this forum is NOT just for sahms who think that wohm aren't making the best choice for their chidlren. Rather it is for the unique issues that sahms face. When posters post that that wohm aren't making the best choice for their children (i.e. saying sahm results in better kids) THESE posters are engaging in a debate about woh Vs. sah, a debate that isn't the purpose of this forum. Yes, lets have support and advice and commiseration and encoruagement. No lets not have debate.

This is a great thread and a great question. I will probably fall into the sahm indefinately camp, and I enjoy reading posts about other sahms who, at least at this point, don't imagine woh. But I do not enjoy the (either subtle or explicit) bashing of woh moms, wonderful AP woh moms raising fully thriving, happy kids.
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#80 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 11:48 AM
 
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mamawanabe, thanks for such a considerate post.



Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawanabe
Very, intense post. Not sure where that came from. Here's my reply.

1) Just because I want to be a sahm doesn't mean that I think that it is the best and thus only way.

2) Posters don't need to think it is the best and thus only way in order to want to engage in this fourm with the sahm issues they do/will deal with.

3) If posters who say disparaging things about wohm - threads will be locked (there was a sticky about this for a while). Saying sahm raises "better" kids is untrue AND a way to bash wohm moms.

4) The no debate rule DOESN"T mean that there is no difference of opinion among posters in this forum whether sahm is the best and thus only way. It means we can't enage in the old, divisive wohm vs. sahm debates, debates that statements like sahm raise "better" kids incite.

5) I wasn't talking down.

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#81 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 12:36 PM
 
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I didn't read the whole thread before I posted. And, I am sorry that anyone would say that either is better, SHAM vs. WOHM. I have so much to say on this subject but, the kids need me. I will post later.
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#82 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 06:13 PM
 
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mods?
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#83 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 09:00 PM
 
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I love staying home and taking care of my kids. I wish i could do it forever. but if i should need to get a job it will be working in a daycare or doing daycare from my home because that has always been what i wanted to do!
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#84 of 101 Old 09-08-2005, 10:15 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristine
I can absolutely state that stay-at-home moms raise more well-adjusted kids.
You can state it, but is it true?

Being a scientist and all...have there been any long-term studies done on this? Or is this just based on personal observations?

I was just at a playgroup yesterday with several kids who have SAHMs...and there was plenty of toy grabbing, hitting, biting, etc. Yet one of the most well-behaved boys (around 2 yo) had a mama who WOH until earlier this year. I think that there are probably plenty of well-adjusted and not-so-well-adjusted kids with both categories of moms.

As for the original question...I've been thinking more about this issue since I previously posted (not that I remember exactly what I wrote the first time, LOL). It is really an intense issue, one that I didn't really consider until recently. I certainly never thought I'd end up being a SAHM (or mom period) until the last year. My expectations for myself always included doing something bigger...you know - fame, fortune, or at least some greater personal accomplishment. If I go on to have a couple more children, and then I stay home until the youngest is at least junior high age, I'm going to be out of the workforce for a long time. My degree will be outdated. No one will want to hire a woman in her 50s (egads) with no experience. And would I really want to go back to a full-time job then anyway? Doubtful...

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#85 of 101 Old 09-09-2005, 03:36 PM
 
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I am going to have to ask that when posting you refrain from bashing in any way mothers that make the choice to return to work after having a child. I realize that we may all have opinions about this but that is all they are opinions. It is hurtful for someone to read that just because they choose/need to place their child in the care of others for a portion of the day that they and their children are less the what they should/could be. This is completely unacceptable and is not allowed on this board and I respectfully ask that this not happen again. Thanks you all.

We may not have it all together, but together we have it all
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#86 of 101 Old 09-09-2005, 10:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I started this thread because I plan to be a SAHM forever and I was interested in finding like minded moms and see how many there were.

(Lord help me!) I really posted this here to avoid a debate.

This makes me sad that this thread has to turn into the same ugly crap you find IRL.

I'm glad that the majority of people stuck to the topic, but the few who cannot help themselves when seeing an opening for a debate---that sucks

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#87 of 101 Old 09-20-2005, 02:27 PM
 
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Hi you guys!! I'm new here and hope you don't mind me jumping in a bit late!

I plan on staying at home indefinitely although I will be mixing a bit of work inbetween it all when were done having babies and the children are all older and in school, but what's nice about my work is that I can schedual it around my day and I can keep it as small as I'd like (massage therapy/energy healing) and so first and foremost my job will be to take care of the kids and to be involved as much as I possibly can with their education. So I'm not sure if that makes me a SAHM indeffinatley or not lol I will certainly be home and my practice will be outside of my home as well ~ I like the idea of being able to be there for my children and not have to worry about a boss or a work schedual that might keep me from them and the activites that go along with kids

I admit that when all of my babies were small (oldest and twins are 19 mo apart) was difficult and I felt a bit lost vut I wouldn't say I lost my identity it was just changing and with change sometimes growing "pains" (for lack of a better word) come with it, I don't look back on that time in a negative light though I see it as a time where I was young and going through an intense amount of changes and growth. I really really enjoy my "SAHM status" I feel that this is my place and where I am supposed to be

(edited to fix some spelling errors am sure there are more I'm not catching :LOL )
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#88 of 101 Old 09-20-2005, 03:01 PM
 
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haven't read all the posts (and i think I will skip it) but I just wanted to chime in and say I love being a stay at home mom. there are days I am misreable and hate my job but I htink that would be the case regardless of where I spent my days and what I spent them doing. :LOL

I don't know that I hve list my identity. I don't think I wever had an identity outside of being a mom. Even at our wedding they drew a picture of us with a little baby coming along not soon after (we drove a van. it provides lots of fun spaces for shoe polish art). So I am happy to get lost in mothering.

and yes I do feel obligated to do it. I don't think i am allowed to expand on why at this point but I realy saw no point in *me* having children if i wasn't going to be the one raising them. it made no sene for *my* life. So even if I hadn't always wanted kids and always wanted to stay home with them I still would have made it a priority for me to stay home. My kids don't make me happy. My job doesn'tmake me happy. happiness is a choice so I choose to be happy being a stay at home mom and I would choose to be hapy doing that even if it wasn't my first choice. Feeling obligated doesn't mean youalways have to be pining for something else.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#89 of 101 Old 09-21-2005, 09:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka
and yes I do feel obligated to do it. I don't think i am allowed to expand on why at this point but I realy saw no point in *me* having children if i wasn't going to be the one raising them. it made no sene for *my* life. So even if I hadn't always wanted kids and always wanted to stay home with them I still would have made it a priority for me to stay home. My kids don't make me happy. My job doesn'tmake me happy. happiness is a choice so I choose to be happy being a stay at home mom and I would choose to be hapy doing that even if it wasn't my first choice. Feeling obligated doesn't mean youalways have to be pining for something else.
Wow! I like the way you put this! Especially the part about "feeling obligated doesn't mean you always have to be pining for something else."
That is totally true.
I love your attitude and how you worded the whole thing.

Me : , husband ,daughter Raven : 10-28-95 :
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#90 of 101 Old 09-21-2005, 10:57 AM
 
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SAHM have gotten a bad rap since the women's movement. Not that women shouldn't be able to work but since we weren't allowed to we felt we deserved to. I don't want to go to work and it make my family furious. My husband and I would rather live on a smaller budget and our boys will have someone there even after they go to school. When I was little I wanted 8 kids, now that I have 2 I am happy with that but I love staying home with them. Sure it gets tedious sometimes, with the housework. And I occasionally pick fights with my husband cause I don't feel it is fair he only has to work part of the day, when I am on call 24/7. But over all, FOR ME, staying home is the best thing I can do for my kids. I want to be there when they come home from school and I want to do all the Leave it to Beaver stuff. Unfortunatly you have to have incredible inner strength to stay home nowadays. The only publicity SAHM get is when one crazy ***** goes nuts. It is such an infair stereo type. Sorry for ranting, I was discussing this with my husband yesterday.
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