Anyone plan to be a SAHM indefinitely? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 101 Old 08-20-2005, 08:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was going to start a thread asking if there's any SAHM's who are really content doing what they're doing, but then I saw the thread about happiness and SAHM'ing and decided to change it some since the focus was a bit different than what I was thinking (I think).

Here's the deal--- I am kind of getting sick of reading book after book and article after article about how SAHM's are miserable and feel trapped and have lost their identity, etc. I have read Confessions of a Slacker Mom and actually really liked that one. I took that one to be more about not being such a perfectionist as a mom and falling into all the latest stuff you're supposed to be doing with your kid or they're sure to end up stupid.

Then there's books like Perfect Madness and so many newer books which are all about how miserable moms are. I'm not saying the books are wrong, but I'm wondering if there are any SAHM's who actually want to be doing this and aren't just doing it because they know it's the best thing for the kids (although that is obviously a huge part--duh!).

Taking things a step further, does anyone plan to be a SAHM the whole time their kids are at home (or even beyond)?
This is an even bigger deal since most women either had a career before having kids or are planning to go back to work at some point.

My plan was always to go back to work when dd started school. Well, although she had special needs which changed everything, I can't imagine doing that now and now I have started homeschooling, so I'm way not into it.

I'm not getting this idea that our identities are lost in the care of our family and stuff like that. I'm not saying I don't get how it happens. I do believe it happens all the time and it sucks, but I guess I feel like being a mom is part of who I am and I'm proud of that. It isn't however all of who I am.... a large part however.

Maybe it's different if you put 100% of your time, energy, etc into your kids or family and don't take care of yourself.

(ofcourse I am not talking about women with newborns here)

I'm rambling about a bit, but I guess my biggest frustration is that you cannot find a book (unless very religious) that is positive about SAHM's. And I understand that you hear about the negative stuff or we talk about that more because we need to get support, but geez.

Do any of us stay home because we truly want to or because it feels like an obligation? I know lots of SAHM's but they just complain non-stop and I feel like they really hate it, but feel obligated to do it (by themselves not pressure from anyone else necessarily). I complain too; don't get me wrong, but I guess it doesn't seem like such a trapped, hopeless kind of complaining.

Is there any of you who really like it, bad days and all, and plan on doing it until your kids move out..... or graduate HS? Whichever comes first :LOL

I know I've jumped around a lot, but I'd still like to hear from you.
thanks

Me : , husband ,daughter Raven : 10-28-95 :
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#2 of 101 Old 08-21-2005, 03:56 PM
 
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I love being a SAHM! I don't really feel like I have lost my identity, just changed it. I am a mom now- along with a few other things. I originally stayed home because my job wasn't there for me as I had left it for maternity leave. When I came back my manager told me I would be getting the same pay, but my job was going to involve more hours and me not having a permanent location (I was a retail manager). So I quit. Now I have 3 children and couldn't imagine not staying home. I tried having a job on the weekends but it took me away from my husband so I quit.

I think it's easy to "lose your identity" in those baby years because so much of your time is taken up with baby care, but it has gotten easier as I have had more and as they get older. Besides, when I worked outside the home, my identity wasn'y my job and my job wasn't my identity. Nor was I soley a student when I was in highschool. Saying you lost your identity by choosing to stay at home full time seems a silly to me as saying a high school student is nothing more than a student. But that's just my opinion because I don't understand those books, either.

I think about going back to work sometimes. But not realistically. It is just a nice idea when I have rowdy/sick/cooped up kids on a rainy day and the house is messy. Kinda like I wish this hot summer would be over and it would be snowy! I would love to stay at home forever and we have recently made a firm decision to homeschool so I will be home and loving it. I actually see the time as the kids get older as more time to myself and to persue other parts of my identity that I normally wouldn't have time to persue if I worked fulltime and tried to raise my children. I hope I got my point across well, I have Ariel (6 months) sitting on my lap getting sick of watching her reflection in the mirrored part of the DVD disk so I think my typing time is up! I look forward to reading others' opnions on the subject since it is one that interests me!

Married, college student, part time work from home mom to DS (12), DD1 (10) and DD2 (9) and a giant dopey newfoundland, a crazy border collie mix, 3 black cats and two rats.
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#3 of 101 Old 08-21-2005, 06:00 PM
 
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I am going to do it because I want to be that kind of mom, not because it is the best thing for my kids (I've seen too many happy wonderfull kids absolutely and completely THRIVING in a two working parent households to think that sahm is the best thing for kids).

That said, I am still ambivalent about never being able to return to my career (my career doesn't have on-off ramps) and worried about being bored (my mom was sahm and pretty bored) and sorry that there aren't better/more options and or better/more community for mothers.
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#4 of 101 Old 08-21-2005, 08:57 PM
 
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I have no plans to ever re-enter the workforce. I want to be a mom who can come to the school and volunteer without having to take a day off of work, the mom who is home when the kids go to school and get off from school until the last one has graduated from highschool. Sure they can drive me nuts and there are days that are hard, but I never think "gee, if I had a job I wouldn't have to deal with this". I do think "gee, if I had a job I'd have to get up earlier, get everyone organized, fed, dressed, drive them to the sitter, find a sitter close to the schools, find a way for them to get to playschool, arrange care for my child in school full time, pick the kids up, rush to make supper/do homework, find time to clean, laundy, have to buy food in there somewhere, pay the few bills I can't online, forget about planting a garden, etc, etc".

Careers come and go. I was starting my career when I found out I was pg and got fired(not due to the pg, both just happened on the same day). At the time it(getting fired) was awful, but in retrospect it was the best thing that happened. I realized that I will never be happy working for someone else and having to play by their rules. What I wanted 8 years ago is completely different than what I want now. What I want now may be completely different from what I want 10 years from now. I'm not a person who will have 1 career lasting from college and being able to retire in 25years. The only career I have that will never stop is being a Mom.

I am not a bored sahm. A person can only become bored if they let themselves be bored. There are many things a person can do when the kids are at school that keeps them active, creative, learning, etc.

Quote:
I think it's easy to "lose your identity" in those baby years because so much of your time is taken up with baby care, but it has gotten easier as I have had more and as they get older.
Absolutely. Once my mind came back I started to get back into the things I was doing pre-babies. I never lost myself those few years, I just didn't have time to do it.
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#5 of 101 Old 08-21-2005, 09:07 PM
 
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I too love being a SAHM. In fact, it factored in our decision to have a second child. We have a 12 year old and I'm currently homeschooling her (I have been since she was 8). One day DH and I were talking about what I'd do after she goes off to college. I started thinking about jobs and realized there wasn't really ANYTHING I wanted to do. He said "so just be a stay at home wife" (gotta love him) but I think that would be boring. I decided that what I love is being a SAHM and homeschooling and that I'd like to do it beyond when my oldest leaves home.

Hopefully I'll always feel that way because our second DD is here now!
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#6 of 101 Old 08-21-2005, 09:15 PM
 
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I've been a full time SAHM for 6 yrs now and I have to admit that at this point, i never want to go back to my old life. I mean, I suppose I will get a different urge at some point, but for now, it's lovely to know I can be home for everyone like this. I enjoy being a hsing parent, and I am glad to be able to volunteer at my 11 yr old's school, and be home for the teen.
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#7 of 101 Old 08-21-2005, 09:43 PM
 
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Absolutely. Once my mind came back I started to get back into the things I was doing pre-babies. I never lost myself those few years, I just didn't have time to do it.


I feel blessed and grateful to be home w/my girls. I was lonely at first and wondered who I'd be or become. It's just another chapter in life. I remember cleaning house during the nesting process when I was pg w/DD1. I decided to chuck all my graduate school stuff that I'd been saving for too many years. That made me sad and a little scared too. Without that, who would I be?

I've now found new like-minded friends and I don't mind my identity being linked with my family. I like it most of the time unless I"m having an 'age related crisis'.

Not to be too long-winded, but the bottom line is this: I want my girls to know that I made them my priority. I never want them to doubt my love for them. Not even for a second. If it helps them for me to stay home indefinitely, I will, but I'm open to changes too.
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#8 of 101 Old 08-21-2005, 09:51 PM
 
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I've been a SAHM since ds was born. He's 9 now and I don't see the need to work. Dh makes good money. I take care of all life's messy details. I love my life and I'm so grateful to have raised my children myself.
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#9 of 101 Old 08-21-2005, 10:18 PM
 
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i never want to go back to 'work'. i hated being in the work force. i never had a job that i loved or that i really felt was important. i rarely felt like i fit in with my co-workers.

but i was also raised by a SAHM who always said that a job would get in the way of her life. she was a model school volunteer, a LLL leader, etc. she was plenty busy. she went back to work when i graduated from high school, but organized her part-time schedule so that she had whole days to keep up the school volunteering. so i never thought that SAHMing couldn't be personally fulfilling. SAHM can be a opportunity to explore things you don't make time for when you're WOH with or without kids.

i think that people who claim to have lost themselves don't really know who they really are. a person is not their job. a person is made up of lots of little parts, like family and friends and hobbies. i think that because so many people define themselves so limitedly that a change, even if it's a good one like having a bay, can cause major upheaval in self-worth not just definition. i've been having a rough time lately because we just moved and i'm lonely not because i'm a SAHM. when i decided that it was my responcibility to make myself more fulfilled, i felt better, almost instantly. i started writing, and even if i don't write everyday i have something that's mine. it makes me feel like i have proof i did something outside wash the dishes and change a diaper.

besides i've always tried to live by the zelda fitzgerald quote that only boring people are bored.
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#10 of 101 Old 08-21-2005, 10:57 PM
 
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I love being a SAHM too I've always wanted to be one! Now, when I worked, I loved my job, even when I was just pt, but now that I've had #4 and my oldest is getting ready to start school, I just want to be at home. For some reason though, both MIL and my mother think I need to go back to work. Grrr.... As if I would listen to them! lol! Now, after they have graduated HS, then maybe I will think about it, but who knows! Maybe I will go back to school. I really don't know and won't until I reach that point in my life. For now though, I'm quite content to be a SAHM.
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#11 of 101 Old 08-21-2005, 11:45 PM
 
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I love being a SAHM. I have the single most important job in the world. I don't answer to anyone or have anyone telling me what I have to do. I make decisions to the best of my ability and my judgement is what goes. I plan to homeschool and have a larger family (in the neighborhood of 4+ kids) so I will be home for quite a while to come.

-Angela
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#12 of 101 Old 08-22-2005, 12:15 AM
 
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I enjoy being a SAHM. It never occurred to me that we're supposed to feel trapped by this designation, but I tend to be pretty clueless about current cultural trends. (For that matter, I didn't realize there was a SAHM forum -- has this been here long? Gees, life just breezes by me.)

I have 2 SAHMs for neighbors, too. Their kids are my kids' best friends. I haven't heard either of them complain about feeling trapped or having lost their identity. I just sort of assumed we were a typical neighborhood; I didn't realize we were missing out on all the angst.

We're homeschooling, so the current plan is to continue SAHMing as long as dds are home. Sometimes I wonder what I'll do when the kids are off into adulthood. Maybe I'll just hang out online fulltime then.
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#13 of 101 Old 08-22-2005, 12:50 AM
 
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I love my life as a SAHM, I wouldn't have it any other way. My mom has always been a SAHM, even now that we're all grown up. I have absolutely no plans to return to work. I want several more children, we are going to HS, I want a huge garden, I like to cook, I do bfing support, I'm just too busy for a job! :LOL I am fulfilled being a SAHM. I have dreams of being a IBCLC someday, like in 20+ years when all my children are grown, but I may still be too busy. :LOL

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.
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#14 of 101 Old 08-22-2005, 11:36 AM
 
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i will be a sahm forever too
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#15 of 101 Old 08-22-2005, 11:46 AM
 
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I work 2 days a week at a PT job-waiting for the day I can quit completely.(I think its coming soon!) I too get frustrated with all these articles and RL moms who talk with me about how you'll get bored and this and that.Granted my oldest is almost 2, but this IS what I want to do with my life.This IS what I wanted to be when I grew up. A mother.....I remember in obe of my English classes in college,you know the first day when they go around and do an "icebreaker" :LOL the prof. asked us to tell our major and what we would like to do when we were finished with school and I said that my major was English and that when I was finished with school I wanted to be a mom and a wife.You could have heard a pin drop...it was unbelievable.People view it as a hinderance,an obligation.I feel it was MY own personal calling even spirituality aside, to take care of my family and be accessible to them, dh included. I dont wanna serve THE MAN, yk? I wanna be at home with MY MAN and daughters and hopefully some more to come.
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#16 of 101 Old 08-22-2005, 11:50 AM
 
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I have to admit, I do feel like I've lost some of my identity as a sahm. I am a RN and I feel like I've forgotten all my skills in the 3 years I've been out of work. My plan is to go back to work part time when ds starts kindergarten, but I may start sooner. The good thing is I can work per diem and pick up a few weekend shifts here and there while dh is home, without putting ds in daycare for long hours.
Although, I don't miss the rat race of work, if ykwim? I am in a totally different "time means nothing" groove as a sahm. I hardly ever know the date either. :LOL

I definatley feel lucky and grateful to be able to stay home with ds full time, I just feel like I'd be a happier person if I could get out for a few hours a week and do something as my professional self.

We are contemplating another baby (tough decision as I have chronic health issues) and if I get pg I will be staying home for sure.
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#17 of 101 Old 08-22-2005, 03:54 PM
 
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Yes I plan to be a SAHM for a long time. I'm homeschooling, so as long as I'm their teacher, I'll be home full time. However I am really wanting to further my education and eventually work weekends or evenings for my own interests. I probably won't start that until dd2 is grown up a little more.

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#18 of 101 Old 08-22-2005, 04:13 PM
 
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My dh told someone I had an 18 yr maternity leave once :LOL I am now almost 7 years into that and am pregnant with #3. I love being at home and do things for me some evenings. I was president of my quilt guild last year and tought VBS and SS at church, I am also LLL leader so I get thise nights with no kids and adult conversation. I also feel like playgroups are just as much for the moms as the kids. I love my life and it is as boring as I make it . I think the important thing is to embrace your decision and make the most of the blessing of being able to stay home. I guess the $ is always the hard part for us. We will downsize before me working though.
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#19 of 101 Old 08-22-2005, 04:23 PM
 
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i love being at home with my kids. i stay at home because i want to be with them, i couldn't imagine it any other way. i foresee that down the road when the kids are either gone or much older i might pursue a career - but only one that i love and am passionate about, pretty much the way i feel about being the one to raise and school my kids. i don't think my identity is lost at all really, i've found that i've grown and come to know myself much better over the years as a stay at home mom (12 years already!!). the monotony of the housework and stuff does get boring, but i do agree, bored people are boring people there are always plenty of opportunities while being a stay at home mom.

i still think there is a negative stigma about SAHM in our culture and it isn't valued enough. for some reason we seem to think that people can generally only find fulfillment if we're getting paid for something ...
oh yeah, and i think our identities are supposed to change once we have kids ... and women who find their identities are lost in caring for their families may also find this problem elsewhere, i don't think it's necessarily tied to having a family.

okay, back to being a mom
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#20 of 101 Old 08-22-2005, 06:30 PM
 
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i love love love being a sahm!!! this is what i have wanted to do since i was a little girl. i have my little boy and little girl and i get to watch them both grow up! on saturdays i work for about two hours while they are home with daddy. i only work so my kids can take free gymboree classes :LOL but i would never ever ever work any more than that!! im really lucky dh thinks that me being home is the best for the children so he would never ask me to go back to work.
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#21 of 101 Old 08-22-2005, 07:26 PM
 
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I have one big guilt trip about being a SAHM: I have a big student loan bill, much of while I accumulated while DH and I were dating. He always asked me what I intended to do with my degree, and I looked into options, but somehow I never thought about what would happen when we had kids. Or I thought that staying home would be temporary.

My opinion changed after I had DS. He's a very needy baby, and he wants me. I've left him with other people for a while, but he is quite clear that he isn't nearly as interested in being held by anyone but Mama. I sometimes (when I'm not totally exhausted) think it would be neat to have a few more kids, and if I stay out of the work force until the youngest goes off to school, I could easily be in my 40s. There are multiple reasons I'd like to not even bother going back. One, if I worked, I'd never get any down time. Two, I never really liked work - I never found anything that I really enjoyed, and I doubt that I would, even with my recent degree. And three, I remember my mom being home when I got home from school, and how much I liked it. It was different when she started working - not nearly as warm. I'd like to be there for my kid(s) when he [they] gets home. I still don't know what I'll do about that student loan issue. Maybe I will just adjust to the idea (heh), or maybe I'll consider some part-time job just to earn a little extra money. It isn't as though we need it.

I'm not one of the mothers here who clearly wanted to be a SAHM and nothing else. I never seriously considered motherhood until a couple of years ago, and I had no idea how it would effect me. OTOH, I was never attached to any particular career path either, so I guess I was a bit lost. I sometimes feel a little embarrassed about being "just" a SAHM, even though I now know how much work it can be. When people ask me what I do, I feel funny saying that I am just a mom, or that I stay home with my son. I feel like I need to back it up with "...but I did get a master's degree!". But feeling embarrassed isn't going to change my opinion about not working. It's just something I need to work through.

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#22 of 101 Old 08-22-2005, 08:45 PM
 
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I always knew I wanted to be with my children at home for them like my mother and mil before me. DH of course was 100% supportive since he had a sahm as well. My mother has always been there for me- even now and I know what I have gained from that.

But, I do not know how dh would also be able to adjust if I was not home. Since I am at home, this allows him the opportunity to go to the next level for his career. He has gotten quite a few certifications etc and if he also had to split time between ME doing that for my career and childcare issues, it would not happen. Also me being home, I run the household etc. He would again have to split that up. With all this I would not know when we would have our downtime together. Because of this, he is a wonderful husband and an awesome father and very good provider. This was something we decided on before we got married and made efforts to make sure when dd came along I could stay home.

But now she is over 3, we are ttc again. Since they are going to be this far apart, I doubt I am going to hit the resume anytime soon since I would be busy with another and my dd. Plus what if we had more?

So if I had this job for many years, I would love it but I may change my mind someday- we will see. For now, I want to keep this job and btw its the hardest job I have ever had- more hours, less money (actually none :LOL ), a very demanding boss, no vacation time etc. Also the job gets tougher with more experience believe it or not!!

Remember ladies- the days are long, the years are short

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#23 of 101 Old 08-22-2005, 11:32 PM
 
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I am a nanny now, and have been since 1999... I cannot wait until the day when I have my own babies and am a sahm.

It is incredible to me the things that Dads & Moms miss because they pay me to take care of their children. Currently, I care for 3 children--ages 4, 2.5, and 16 months. Guess who heard the baby's first word? I did. Guess who read it when the eldest learned to write his name? I did. Who got many, many kisses at bedtime tonight from the middle child? Yep, it was me... while their dad made himself dinner and their mom worked on her laptop.

Their parents have told me, laughingly, that "if the baby starts to take a step by himself, knock him over and we'll pay you extra!" It's funny, but they know what they're missing and you awesome SAHMs don't miss it. You are amazing and your children will be better because they know how much you love them. (And that you were willing to use your precious time raising them.)
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#24 of 101 Old 08-22-2005, 11:57 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SandiMae
You are amazing and your children will be better because they know how much you love them. (And that you were willing to use your precious time raising them.)
Umm, better what? And better than what?

Also, while I am sure you are important to the kids you nanny, the kids know who is raising them - and it isn't you. Think back - though at 6 you spent more awake hours with your 1st gradeteacher than your mom, try to name the personal/moral values of your first grade teacher? Most likely you don't know because as a kid you KNEW whose vaules were important. It wasn't the values of the woman (perhaps man) you spend 8 hours a day with, it was the values of the woman/man you spent just 3-4 hours a night with - MOM AND DAD. Kids know who is raising them.

I really do think that the problem (found in these books and also in the self-rightous persecution complexes of some sahms) is that women are staying home not because they want to but because they think it is better for kids and thus results in "better" kids. Truth is, kids can absolutely and completely thrive to the full extent of their potential in two working parent households. I've seen it.

Be a sahm because you want to, because that is the kind of mother you want to be. Most of the responses in this theead are from women who don't recognize themselves in books like the Op mentions because they are not sacrificing anything - they are doing what they WANT to do not what they think have to do because it results in better kids.
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#25 of 101 Old 08-23-2005, 01:00 AM
 
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awww, i really enjoyed sandimae's post

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Think back - though at 6 you spent more awake hours with your 1st gradeteacher than your mom, try to name the personal/moral values of your first grade teacher? Most likely you don't know because as a kid you KNEW whose vaules were important.
to play along, i don't remember my mom and dad's values any more than that of my teacher's. teacher's aren't there to teach us values. and i think there is more to parenting than simply morals, as i know you're aware. absolutely i loved my mom and dad more, because they were my mom and dad. but if you asked me if i thought they loved me, i would say no

my parents thought it was funny that as a baby i developed the accent of my jamaican nanny. i thought it was sad

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Truth is, kids can absolutely and completely thrive to the full extent of their potential in two working parent households. I've seen it.
of course they can. i don't think it was sandimae's point that it doesn't happen. she was just sharing her own personal experience. we all know kids who don't thrive to the full extent of their potential in two working parent households, because my sister and i were just 2 examples. likewise, same for a sah family as well.

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they are doing what they WANT to do not what they think they have to do because it results in better kids
actually, for me, it is both. however, i do agree, it's important to be staying at home because you want to, sometimes part of that reasoning includes thinking it's better for the kids.

thanks for your post, it made me think.

mandi

Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids. treehugger.gif

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#26 of 101 Old 08-23-2005, 12:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My only issue is how we are viewed and how there seems to be no support for SAHM's except for when we're freaking out about it, as if that's a good way to keep us. Where are the mags and books about how great it is and all the cool stuff you can do. You can find stuff here and there stuck in with this or that.........OK, obviously Mothering mag., but you know what I mean.

I used to read Ms. mag. all the time bu tthen shortly after dd was born (1995) I read what someone had written to the editor. They asked why there is never any articles about moms. The response was that they planned to have a quarterly article concerning moms or mothering in some way. I stopped reading it shortly after that and started reading Mothering and stuff like that.

I just feel like you are not considered a good feminist or a good human being in our society today if you don't at least strive to have a career. As far as I know the whole point of the women's movement was to give us choices, not stick us into another box we couldn't get out of. God forbid someone hear a little girl today say she wants to be a mommy when she grows up. People ususally say "and what else?" after getting all weirded out by the fact that your child may only aspire to be so little. and if a boy ever says he wants to be a daddy the reaction will be even worse.
I just think it's nuts and I wish we were valued for what we do. I know everyone gives lip service to it being the most important job ever and how children are our future and blah blah blah, but SAHM's and mothering in general still gets treated the same---geez! That really bugs me.
Sorry about the rant there.

Thanks for the responses because it's nice to see other like minded women who aren't just doing this until their first opportunity to get back to work.

Me : , husband ,daughter Raven : 10-28-95 :
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#27 of 101 Old 08-23-2005, 01:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mamawanabe
I really do think that the problem (found in these books and also in the self-rightous persecution complexes of some sahms) is that women are staying home not because they want to but because they think it is better for kids and thus results in "better" kids.
Be a sahm because you want to, because that is the kind of mother you want to be. Most of the responses in this theead are from women who don't recognize themselves in books like the Op mentions because they are not sacrificing anything...
I hate that that is the only way we are seen for the most part--- stressed out, overwhelmed, pissed off, yelling at our kids, too tired to spend time with our husbands, etc. It's not that all those things aren't true for all of us at times, but they never show all the cool stuff we do and how happy we are together.

I actually thnk that kids may be better off with someone else if the SAHM truly hates ever minute of it. Maybe they would be better with a nanny if their parent spends all their time being frustrated with them and being depressed, or whatever. We all have issues but if you hate being with your kids they will know it. They're not stupid.

I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything by staying home. I feel like I would be if I went to work and I'd be sacrificing the most important thing. If I quit a job no one really suffers but if I quit my kid, that's a whole other situation.

Also, let me go on record as saying that I don't necessarily buy into this whole idea of "quality time". I'm not sure who got this term started but dh and I couldn't remember our moms talking about it. We didn't have "quality time" with our moms or dads. We had QUANTITY! I think when you have quantity you don't have to try and squeeze in those couple hours of "quality time" with your kids. I think that's kind of whacko myself.......or sad at least.

My dad told me a while ago that he read an article about how kids who have one parent at home have less anxiety at school or at least feel more at ease. I'm not sure the specifics of the study, but regardless, it makes sense to me. Coming home to your mom or her picking you up is a far cry from coming home by yourself with no one there.
There were times that I would be sick or one time when I got my period at school and was a total mess. When the nurse called home there was someone to pick me up on the spot. It sounds terrifying to me to think about tryign to call both parents at work and then hopign I can get a hold of them and then hoping they can come right away, etc. etc. it's not that kids won't survive or something, I'm just talking about the ideal situation.

My brother has his kids in day care in the summer and they are 8 and 11. Their parents are divorced and so when they are working the kids have to go somewhere. He pays $58 a day for both of them. They go on feild trips and all kinds of fun stuff but it still seems weird to me. They also have a second day care that they've always used for when the kids are sick and can't go to school. They can't go to the regular day care because they're sick so they go to a day care that only excepts sick kids. They lay on a cot or something and do whatever. I can't even imagine this. I'm assuming if the kids were near death they would take the day off work, but geez!
That kind of life just isn't for me.

Me : , husband ,daughter Raven : 10-28-95 :
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#28 of 101 Old 08-23-2005, 01:19 PM
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I would only go back to the workforce if it was absolutely necessary. I never felt any personal connection with my employment, and don't know of any profession that would inspire me to the point that I would rather be doing that than staying home with kids and keeping the nest (well, okay, it's a messy nest most days, but there are clean clothes, dishes, food in the kitchen, and lots of love!). It has never felt like a sacrifice to me, and I do it because I want to, not because I think I "have" to in order to raise well-adjusted children. It's who I am right now, and for the forseeable future, and it would be awkward, even painful, to make myself do otherwise. It wasn't exactly planned that I would be a SAHM, I grew up with the impression that I should have a career and "mom" was not a career (you know, wasted potential and all that bull). I got married young and we always intended to have kids "some day", but when I got pregnant in my late 20s it was a surprise, and it took a few weeks of panic on my part to realize that "some day" had arrived (hubby was serene about it from the start), at which point I settled into it and it hit me that this is exactly why I had always felt a certain level of discontent - I was trying to force myself into some kind of mold that included identifying myself with what I did to earn money. There are so many things that inspire me that are home-focused that I can't imagine at this point feeling compelled to go back "out" unless it was the only way to make ends meet.

I get really annoyed at questions like "So, how do you keep yourself busy?" as if I must be so BORED. I know most of the time it's because the person asking just has no concept of what my life is like.

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#29 of 101 Old 08-23-2005, 01:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by CarrieMF
I have no plans to ever re-enter the workforce. I want to be a mom who can come to the school and volunteer without having to take a day off of work, the mom who is home when the kids go to school and get off from school until the last one has graduated from highschool. Sure they can drive me nuts and there are days that are hard, but I never think "gee, if I had a job I wouldn't have to deal with this". I do think "gee, if I had a job I'd have to get up earlier, get everyone organized, fed, dressed, drive them to the sitter, find a sitter close to the schools, find a way for them to get to playschool, arrange care for my child in school full time, pick the kids up, rush to make supper/do homework, find time to clean, laundy, have to buy food in there somewhere, pay the few bills I can't online, forget about planting a garden, etc, etc".
:

Kelly,newly single mom of four wonderful children.

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#30 of 101 Old 08-23-2005, 01:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by judejude
IAlso, let me go on record as saying that I don't necessarily buy into this whole idea of "quality time". I'm not sure who got this term started but dh and I couldn't remember our moms talking about it. We didn't have "quality time" with our moms or dads. We had QUANTITY! I think when you have quantity you don't have to try and squeeze in those couple hours of "quality time" with your kids. I think that's kind of whacko myself.......or sad at least.
Do you know your dad as well as you know your mom? My mom was a sahm and my dad was a workaholic (50 hour a week at every least). And I know my dad as well as I know my mom. My memeories of childhood are about the same re: my mom and dad (equal in terms of both amount and significance). How can this be when I spent 10 waking hours a day for 5 years with my mom but only 3 waking hours a day (tops) with my dad? Quantity vs quality. It is a real not a sham invented by the guilty working moms.

Again, if we are home because that is teh kind of mom we WANT to be, none of this matters. If we are home because we think it is best for kids, we just may find ourselves resentfull, lashing out at moms who work by choice, and feeling persecuted by society (like society doesn't presecute working moms as much or more than sahms; like you can possibly win when the real problem is a cultural mysogyny that punishes "neglectful" working moms who don't love their kids enough to sacrifice their career for them and "lazy" sahms who don't "work").
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