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#1 of 9 Old 08-26-2005, 06:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi! I can't believe it took me this long to discover this forum. I thought I knew MDC well enough. This is so cool. I'm a SAHM with two beautiful energetic little boys. It sure is a lot more work than I ever imagined, but feels very good as well. My biggest problem is I'm in poor health, got all sorts of problems and not much energy. Keeping up with basic chores is big accomplishment already. I totally believe in AP but couldn't do everything as I wished due to health problems. Sometimes I feel guilty about not doing enough things, but overall feel quite proud of what I have managed. DH is wonderful and helps out as much as possible.

My second problem is my parents. Do you guys ever get nagged by your own parents about SAH, because of their own insecurity? My mom does this as least once a month, telling me to go find a job so she can be proud of me, otherwise she feels like a failure. She's always saying her biggest misery is that my brother and I aren't making much money. Well, I never made too much money, I was just starting to work when my health was declining so DH told me to quit and rest at home. I only made enough to pay off my student loan. My brother is a teacher so he's not making too much, either, but he's supporting his family OK. No matter what reason I give her she's just not listening, saying they're all lame excuses. If I worked I'd be able to make a lot more than daycare cost; if I worked my health would improve; my kids would get smarter at daycare; if I don't work my husband will eventually realize that I'm useless and dump me...etc. Now, my mom is a perfectly healthy, hardworking career woman who never stayed at home. I'm totally like my dad and nothing like her. I can't hope she'll ever truely understand me. Just wondering how to best deal with this. She has many good qualities and I don't want to disown her or anything. How do I best ignore her? Or make her think about something else instead of picking on me? I tried hobbies or even religions she's just not interested. To be honest I don't really care about her opinions, I learned to ignore those a long time ago. It's still annoying and insulting though. Anyone have a suggestion? Should I talk to some of her friends, and ask them to tell her to leave me alone?

Mom to 2 beautiful autistic boys (12 & 11)  
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#2 of 9 Old 09-05-2005, 12:37 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Poddi
My mom does this as least once a month, telling me to go find a job so she can be proud of me, otherwise she feels like a failure. She's always saying her biggest misery is that my brother and I aren't making much money.
Your mom sounds really over the top. Good for you for not letting it get you down. I'd probably say something like, "Mom, let's just agree to disagree on my decision to not work outside the home." And then I'd not talk about it at all. Set up some good boundaries. Your reasons for being a sahm all sound quite reasonable!!! Chances are your mom would probably find something else to complain about (your brother's job).

My mom was/is always a career woman. She made that decision, and I really think I missed out on a lot and that's why I'm home with my children.
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#3 of 9 Old 09-05-2005, 12:23 PM
 
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Don't get your friends involved. The next time you mom says anything (especially about your DH dumping you because you stay at home ) look her directly in the eye and say....

(practice on your DH)

"Mom...this topic of conversation is closed. We have chosen that I will stay home with the children. If you have a problem, there is the door, I will not discuss this with you anymore."

You don't need to provide excuses for why you stay home, it is none of her business. This is a decision your family has made. Please don't let her continue to berate you for making a decision that is different than hers. She may be feeling like you are judging her decision to have a career

Your mom is not respecting you. It is time for some boundaries and you need to stop this. Would you let someone talk to your children that way? "ohhh colour in the lines or mommy and daddy won't like you" No? Then why do you tolerate it?



*and I do know where you are coming from. I was told that I 'wasted' my education by staying home and that they would be better off in daycare than with me *
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#4 of 9 Old 09-05-2005, 01:04 PM
 
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hi!

There is a thread down below about SAHing with a chronic illness. I feel the same way, I wish I could do things better/ differently but I accpet what I can do, b/c if I beat myself up over it I would just feel worse.

As far as your mom, my mom is very similar, but she is sneakier and less direct in her attacks. It is very hard to ignore! My mom has even gone so far as to lie to other people and say I'm working. She sees my SAH as a complete waste. My dad thinks I SH all day "playing with the baby." :
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#5 of 9 Old 09-05-2005, 10:57 PM
 
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I always thought that people bashed other people's decisions because they are insecure about their own. Could be that Mom is jealous of what you get to do (never mind your poor health etc) and realizing it.

Its sad that people equate success by the size of your wallet and its even worse when its family members.

"The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us."
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#6 of 9 Old 09-06-2005, 07:33 AM
 
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What your mother is saying is horrible. I know it is hard to stand up to parents (it's hard for me, anyway), but you must. Do not let this woman, who happens to be your mother, treat you in this fashion.

And please understand that she is WRONG. You are NOT wasting your life, your children will most definitely NOT be better off in daycare. And if she can't be proud of you for being the wonderful, wise, smart, sweet person you are, then she has a TON of personal issues that have nothing to do with you.
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#7 of 9 Old 09-06-2005, 08:52 AM
 
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M/D are pretty proud of Dha nd i for having me stay home. I think they knew while I was a professonal for over 10 years, i was bideing my time.....

But....I had a SAHD... so mom and dad are on-board with how imporant it is to have a parent home, and to keep the kid out of daycare.

MIL...she had to work, DH's dad was gone. BUT...I think she sees me staying home as a pride thing "see my son makes enough money...." not the attidue I like, at all.

I know, however, Dad got a lot of c$%p from his MOM when he choose to stay home with me (1972). I guess Mom shut grandma up with a line about 'did you feel unemployeed raiseing your kids?". (they's grip about dad being unemployeed and lviing off mom). I am told that shut her up.

Sorry your folks can't be more supportive.

My sister's mom, gives her a hard time -- some times -- about staying home and being 100% dependant on her DH -- "what is he leaves you, what if he cheats and you can't leave, what if he dies".

It is hard when parents are mean, and incorrect too.

I'd suggest bombardment with evidence. look for books and articals on the benfits to a child of a stay at home parent, give them to her -- highlighted. Can't hurt.

And you can always set a boundry -- "mom this is how we feel it is best to parent our boys, this is a decision we made together, if you can't be supportive I must ask you to at least stop bardgering me about it".



Aimee

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#8 of 9 Old 09-15-2005, 07:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, thank you all for your replies. I thought this thread wasn't going to get posted so I didn't check.

The thing is my parents (and a lot of other people I know) never really listen even if I get firm and clear with them. I know the problem is not me, it's themselves. They have to whine about something. When my mom is in a good mood she never mention about me not working outside home, and my brother is just fine as well. I just don't understand what makes her so sensitive and insecure, must be her parents.

Luckily I rely on DH's family for support and role models. All his extended family have a SAHM who are nice, hard-working and active in community. It's just expected after you have children. None of them are rich, some are probably quite poor but you never hear them complain. I've learned a lot from observing them. I fit in much better with his family and relatives. I guess my parents might feel they're losing me to his family and want to tug me back to their lifestyle (high income, stressful jobs, high expenses and standard of living). I always like simplicity, though and don't care about material possesion very much. Now I'm having a lot of fun stretching dollars and doing frugal stuff. I guess they're doomed.

Mom to 2 beautiful autistic boys (12 & 11)  
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#9 of 9 Old 09-19-2005, 03:00 PM
 
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It's no wonder you're feeling the way you are. That's terrible what your mother is saying to you. I mean, I'd stop seeing my mom if she was that cruel.
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