SAHMs' do you make your SO lunch? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 152 Old 09-19-2005, 08:23 PM
 
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Yep, I make his lunch. For one thing, if I didn't he'd eat mostly junk and I like him to have some healthy stuff during the day (and, yes, I consider that an act of love).

But, really, it's just part of our schedule. He gets home before I do on the days I work, so he does the dishes and cooks dinner on those days. I do laundry, he cleans the floors. I clean the bathrooms, he mows the lawn. It works for us.
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#62 of 152 Old 09-19-2005, 08:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by the_lissa
For all these people who say they make their lunch out of love, does that mean your dp makes your lunch for you?

He works all day and has an hour commute each way. On the weekends he does let me sleep in while he takes DD to karate, playdates, and daddy daughter dates. And on Sundays I get to sleep in while he makes me breakfast in bed. He does sometimes make lunch on the weekends... it just depends on who happens to be near the kitchen when the DD starts her "I'm hungry" chant.


I do make him lunch everyday, and I do occasionally slip a little love note into his bag to let him know that I am thinking of him!
I also make his coffee for him. And at the risk of people wondering what is wrong with me, I admit that I also pick out his clothes for him... but then again he has zero fashion sense. I'd rather pick out his clothes and have him look good than have him do it and have people laughing at him! :LOL
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#63 of 152 Old 09-19-2005, 08:30 PM
 
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Yeah, well, I guess for me it is a feminist issue. My husband grew up in a house where his mother did all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. She also took charge of remembering stuff-- reminding DH and his dad when they had appointments, making sure they didn't forget stuff, and all that. And basically what happened is that DH grew up never learning how to take care of his basic physical needs. I was the one who taught him to cook and to clean a house adequately, because in his house his mom did all that, while his dad and he sat around.

I also grew up in a house with a codependent father. I know that bailing a grown man out of the consequences of his own actions is a bad, bad, bad proposition. So if DH forgets his lunch or forgets to get his own clothes ready, he lives with that. I refuse to cater to him.

That doesn't mean I'm some kind of raging bitch. Obviously, if he asked me for help, I would help. If he had a bad day, or some really pressing worries, I would give him a hand. I will do little special things for him sometimes out of affection. But I don't equate "service" with "love." Come to think of it, that's a very Christian sentiment, to serve out of love. That may be where the disagreement starts. I'm not Christian, and maybe the notion is just not one that I've internalized. I show my husband affection and love in plenty of ways, but making sandwiches and ironing shirts are not among the expressions of love that I choose.

And yeah, DH works all day, but so do I. And the work I do is equally exhausting, and at the end of the day I don't get to sit around and relax and be pampered. Why should he? I don't buy this thing that because he earns more money, he deserves special privileges. I earned a bundle of money before I had my daughter, and I could go out tomorrow and keep earning it if I needed to. I stay home because we both agree that it's best for our daughter to have a parent at home, not because I want to be a housewife.

We both take an equal share in everything that has to do with providing for our basic needs. Our theory is that we should both be busy an equal number of hours in the day; we should work on unpleasant tasks, rewarding tasks, care for DD, relax and veg, etc., for an equal amount of time during the day. It has worked very well for us, and we are plenty happy with the arrangement. He's on MDC, and will likely read this post, and I am confident that he will not disagree.

I can't argue with those of you who are happy with your arrangement. If it works for you, and you are satisfied, that's wonderful. But I refuse to be told that there's something lacking in my love for my husband because he makes his own sandwiches.

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#64 of 152 Old 09-19-2005, 08:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty

Some of the comments on here make me wonder if the posters even LIKE their husbands, they sound very hostile. If my husband said something like that about me, “you have a brain and two hands” type of thing, I'd be really hurt, that’s not something you say about a friend.
I can see your point on the one hand, but the other makes me angry.

I think there are many many ways to show love for our spouses, and if one chooses lunch making as one of them, then more power to them. Its not my thing, and maybe it is a feminist issue with me. My husband is my friend. But so is my neighbor and I dont make her lunch. I do not think that by me not making lunch (and never ever breakfast) that it means I do not love or respect my husband.
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#65 of 152 Old 09-19-2005, 08:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Trinitty
I’m looking forward to actually running my home the way it should be, right now we don’t have time to really organize anything or plan things. I work about 50 hours a week and DH is a full-time PhD student.
I don't know anything about your specific situation, but just a warning, you might find you have even LESS time to run your home the way you'd like once you have a baby.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty
Some of the comments on here make me wonder if the posters even LIKE their husbands, they sound very hostile. If my husband said something like that about me, “you have a brain and two hands” type of thing, I'd be really hurt, that’s not something you say about a friend.

I think that things just get complicated once you have a child ... at least they did for us .. the sharing of responsibilities, that is. I look at it as my primary job is raising our son, his primary job is working for money, and then we help each other out with the rest. It's easy to become resentful of a husband who "gets to" be away for a good portion of the day in the adult world without the all-consuming needs of a baby every single second of the day, and then comes home wanting lots of HIS personal needs taken care of as well. That resentment that comes doesn't mean we don't like him, it just complicates matters.
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#66 of 152 Old 09-19-2005, 09:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Trinitty
When I'm home with children, I'll probably make his lunch.

Some of the comments on here make me wonder if the posters even LIKE their husbands, they sound very hostile. If my husband said something like that about me, “you have a brain and two hands” type of thing, I'd be really hurt, that’s not something you say about a friend.
I don't think these are things people say to their partners. I think they're making the point that they are busy with other things and that everything in the home is not their sole job. Some moms have several children and/or a very young child. When my daughter was a baby, I didn't have time to prepare all three meals, not if I wanted to parent my daughter in the way that I wanted to.
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#67 of 152 Old 09-19-2005, 09:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by llyra
And yeah, DH works all day, but so do I. And the work I do is equally exhausting, and at the end of the day I don't get to sit around and relax and be pampered. Why should he?
I agree with absolutely everything you said, except that the above is not true in my particular case. I only have one child, and now that she is four, my work as a SAHM is so easy. I'm not saying it was always that way or that it's that way for other moms with a different child or multiple children. But, my husband works hard, long hours with a lot of stress. I absolutely do not have that stress. I have lots of free time during the day.

So, despite the fact that I'm a feminist and have been since identifying with my feminist mother, I do a lot of stuff for my husband so that he can have free time to play with our daughter when he gets home. I completely understand that your situation is different, and I very much respect that.
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#68 of 152 Old 09-19-2005, 10:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by llyra


And yeah, DH works all day, but so do I. And the work I do is equally exhausting, and at the end of the day I don't get to sit around and relax and be pampered. Why should he? I don't buy this thing that because he earns more money, he deserves special privileges. I earned a bundle of money before I had my daughter, and I could go out tomorrow and keep earning it if I needed to. I stay home because we both agree that it's best for our daughter to have a parent at home, not because I want to be a housewife.

We both take an equal share in everything that has to do with providing for our basic needs. Our theory is that we should both be busy an equal number of hours in the day; we should work on unpleasant tasks, rewarding tasks, care for DD, relax and veg, etc., for an equal amount of time during the day. It has worked very well for us, and we are plenty happy with the arrangement. He's on MDC, and will likely read this post, and I am confident that he will not disagree.

I can't argue with those of you who are happy with your arrangement. If it works for you, and you are satisfied, that's wonderful. But I refuse to be told that there's something lacking in my love for my husband because he makes his own sandwiches.

Exactly. I work my butt off, and so we split all the housework, cooking, child care when he is home, etc.

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#69 of 152 Old 09-19-2005, 10:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Trinitty
I’m looking forward to actually running my home the way it should be, right now we don’t have time to really organize anything or plan things. I work about 50 hours a week and DH is a full-time PhD student. He always makes the coffee in the morning and makes the breakfasts when we can sit for them.
Working 50 hours a week is less work than caring for a couple of little kids. I've done both.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#70 of 152 Old 09-19-2005, 11:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamajessica
. Funny that we can all have such strong opinions on lunch-making.
Yep, and on Santa Clause and gift registries and . . .

Funny, but even though I make dh's lunch (mostly cause I am a control freak), I still find myself alligned with the posters who say "hell no." There is something "motheringly" about making your dh's lunch, and a wife mothering a husband seems a little "unhealthly" to me.
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#71 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 12:35 AM
 
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The bottom line for me is that I grew up in a household that the mom did certain things and the dad did certain thing. Male/female gender roles if you will. I prefer that my marriage is this way. He takes care of the work out of the house, and I take care of the work in the house. Simple as that.'

It only takes me about 30 seconds to throw some stuff in his lunch box anyway, so it's really not a big issue for me to do this.

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#72 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 01:23 AM
 
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Originally Posted by alegna
:

I'm not even UP when he leaves in the morning. He makes his own lunch- but he makes such "pretty" sandwiches that his coworkers are always sure I've made it.... like a guy can't make a sandwich....

-Angela
I am not up either, and he leaves at 7:30 am! . I try to remind him to take a microwave dinner, or else he eats when he gets there.

I use pregnancy as an excuse, but after the first year of marriage I never consistantly made him lunch for work
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#73 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 02:33 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move
Working 50 hours a week is less work than caring for a couple of little kids. I've done both.
That's opinion.

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#74 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 10:13 AM
 
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DH leaves the house before 6 every morning, even when i worked i wasn't up yet.

i make lunch thenight before -- either when i am cooking dinner, or when i am cleaning up the kitchen. In the morning i remind him to take it, or i leave a note on the inside of the front door if there is a lot he needs to remember to take with him.

I can see how the abaove poster would not want to make Dh's lunch if she felt it was a mother's role and that it is wrong for the wife to mother a hubby -- but -- for me it is all 'takeing care of" and I do it for DH and will do it for baby. like dishes, dinner, laundry, cleaning the counters, and so on --

Whatever works for each family .... and honestly in my home growing up dad made lucnh for me and mom. and i know some DH's don't want it, or like to cook or whatever, i am sure not saying you have to do it.......but.......i just feel a lot of hostil vibes from some moms here with the "hell no" responces; as if to do so would cross some line. i can't help but wonder how much of a safe peaceful loving sacunary their homes are? If you feel you have to fight for equal rights even at home, down to who does what for each other and why and what it means ("hhe has two hand" "he is an ...can't be a relaxed safe and easy existance for THEM, to feel like they have to fight and protect their status and rights and so on....sad.....

again i am not saying that making DH's lunch makes our marriarge -- it isn't the love itself, it is a sign or symptom of it; of our attidue of the heart and so on

Aimee

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#75 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 10:33 AM
 
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We do it together after dinner. Gotta put away those leftovers anyway.
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#76 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 10:46 AM
 
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Hi Llyra,

See that's the difference, what you just said, that you both do things equally. For me, Marriage is a partnership, we do things for eachother and we each do our share of "housework" and it works well for us now, before children.

I hope I wasn't the one implying that you didn't love your husband because you don't pack his lunch!

It was the "I'd laugh in his face" stuff that made me wonder how friendly things were in those situations, just because I wouldn't do that to a friend. I did not intend to question the love in the relationship, just the friendliness... if that makes sense.

If him making his own lunch works well for you both and you're nice to eachother, then, that's what matters, IMO.

I'm thinking about the Christian thing that you mentioned. Not sure about that, but, it's an interesting point that you raise.
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#77 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 11:05 AM
 
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"Working 50 hours a week is less work than caring for a couple of little kids. I've done both."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh boy! I can't wait!

No, really, I know that the world is different when children come (though I know that I'll be surprised no matter how much I try to prep) but I'm still looking forward to it.

I know mothers who were at home with children and managed to do bookwork and keep the house running well.

My Dad did it with four children under the age of four, so, I know it's possible to keep things moving, I'm sure it's a lot of work, but it's work that I'm looking forward to.

Right now, I really like my job, but, I'm not paid well at all, I'm on call 24/7 and I have to stay ontop of every bit of news, so, I'm always "plugged in" and it's difficult to get reward from it, the hours are always changing and there's a high demand for performance. There's a very high turn-over and burn-out rate, .

I'm sure that raising children will be just as busy, but, I hope that it's more rewarding, I'm sure it will be.

Sorry for the drift.
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#78 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 11:22 AM
 
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==============================
think there are many many ways to show love for our spouses, and if one chooses lunch making as one of them, then more power to them. Its not my thing, and maybe it is a feminist issue with me. My husband is my friend. But so is my neighbor and I dont make her lunch. I do not think that by me not making lunch (and never ever breakfast) that it means I do not love or respect my husband.
=================================

Hi Sweetbaby, (I'll learn how to quote one of these days)

It wasn't the making of lunches or not making of lunches that concerned me at all. It was the tone and the comments that I found troubling.
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#79 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 11:32 AM
 
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i have to agree

my DH is my friend,

I have lots of freinds

and if DH isn't more to me than they are -- as much as they are to me -- then we have a problem.

frankly if i don't do more, or go farther for DH than a freind -- well then what makes DH speical? I can see saying I don't make lunch for my freinds -- but to take that to mean you don't make lunch for DH, I can't see -- he is more than a freind, so even if you wouldn't do it for Sally that should not be the same logic for why you don't do it for him.

See what I mean.....the logic isn't there........

Aimee

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#80 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 11:54 AM
 
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This is too funny! :LOL

Who knew lunches could be such a hot topic!

I'm not a SAHM but a WPTOH...We try to make his lunch and sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes he does it and sometimes I do it. I like making lunch for him but if he weren't capable of making his own lunch it would be really annoying to me...

I grew up in with a single mom and I thought that my friends' dads who couldn't ever make dinner or even lunch were pathetic! My husband cooks as much or maybe more than I do... we have a little baby and the only thing that is ever done just by me is nursing... he can't do it, but our doctor said she could give him some hormone shots so he could lactate too. Wonder why he didn't take her up on it??? :LOL

Agree about job vs being home... being home is way more work. Some people do have jobs where they don't get a single snack or get to go to the bathroom all day. That is the kind of thing that is similar to being home with a new baby, IMHO.
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#81 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 01:03 PM
 
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What Llyra said

And I have said to DH "You have a brain and 2 hands....use them" usually in response to him whining about how he doesn't know how to fix the kids some food and I am in the shower :LOL

I am very very lucky that DH was living on his own for 4 years when I met him. He used his brain and 2 hands to figure out how to care for himself (his mommy did it all for everyone as well), his brain didn't just turn to mush when he said "I do".

You want to fix your DH's lunch, go right ahead. You don't make his lunch, fine. Whatever floats your boat, baby.

Oh.. and I don't iron either.
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#82 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 01:35 PM
 
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Hahaha, that's like my DH, he can't stand to make coffee, he swears up and down that he can't make it right. Funny how he managed to do it just fine when I was working and out of the house :LOL

I got my DH when he was 17, so he was straight from his mother's house

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#83 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 01:44 PM
 
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I actually asked DH about this last night, and he got on here (he hangs out on the Dad's forum and on Activism) and read this thread. His response basically was "well, if that's what makes people happy, that's fine, but I like the way we are together. I don't WANT you to wait on me."

I would make lunch for DH as an occasional special thing, just like I'd iron his shirt or help him get some paperwork done for work, and just like I'll buy him the expensive chocolate he likes sometimes. An occasional favor, out of affection, is one thing. It's the whole idea of a husband that automatically expects to have such things done for him, as though he's earned it by making money, that bugs me.

Here's how it works for us. See, yard work, repairs, and the other work that men commonly do around the home isn't taking care of individual personal needs. It's work that needs to be done to make a home, just like cooking and cleaning. Work like that should be held in common, and how it's divided depends on what works for each individual couple. I do well more than half of that work-- a lot more, maybe 80% of it. I'm home more, so I can. But taking care of one's own personal needs-- personal laundry, making lunch when it's not the family eating together, ironing, etc., those get done by each person for themselves. As soon as my daughter is physically able to do all that for herself, she will, just like I did as a child. My mother never made me my lunch or did my laundry, past maybe the third grade.

As far as the gender division of home tasks, how am I less capable of digging a flower bed or fixing a clogged sink than he is? And who says I'm more capable of cleaning the bathroom or doing laundry than he is? We divide those tasks based on how much each person enjoys doing each kind of task.

But again, whatever floats your boat. If you're happy with your arrangement, that's great.

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#84 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 04:41 PM
 
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Wow, what a lot of opinions! I'm a WOHM, but hopefully I'll be a SAHM eventually. My opinion on this is that different people just look at it different ways. My DH works nights, so when I make dinner for DD and I, every night I fix DH a plate. He warms it up for his lunch the next day while he's home and I'm at work. Yes, he is fully capable of fixing a plate out of the containers of leftovers. But he knows I'm thinking of him when I leave him a plate, and he thanks me almost every time I do it. He doesn't think he "deserves" it, he thinks I do it because I love him. I guess it depends on how the DH reacts to it--it's not an expectation, so I like to do it. If I "had" to do it, I'd probably be resentful and irritated about it. He likes to make me happy too--today he called and asked what I wanted for dinner. So I know he's cooking I'll also probably come home to a clean house, because he was off work today.

I think the "service" thing equalling love is a matter of opinion too. Different people express love in different ways. I do little things for my DH, and he does little things for me. If either of us is having an especially hard week, the other tries to be extra loving and supportive, including doing extra stuff. That *is* one of the ways we express love for each other, but I'm sure lots of people express love other ways. Doesn't mean I love my DH more or less, or that I'm less of a feminist. It's just that I like doing stuff like that for my family-everyone in my family, not just DH.

I clean my grandpa's house sometimes...not because he's a guy and I'm a woman, but because he's old and sick and can't keep the house as clean as he likes it anymore. If I didn't do that, I'd hire someone for him, but he's much happier having me there with him. Yeah, it's just cleaning, but he's done so much for me over the years...this doesn't repay him even a tiny bit. I feel the same about DH. He loves me so much and does so much for me...if it makes him happy for me to fix him lunch, heck yes I'm fixing his lunch.

Someone asked if I'd do that for my friends--yup, I would. My best friend is like a sister to me. If she was staying with me, or if I was babysitting her kids and saw her in the mornings, there is an excellent chance I'd make her lunch once in a while. I love her, I know she's having a rough time right now, and I want to make her life a tiny bit easier and show her that I care. I've always said I care with food, it's just who I am

Sorry this is such a novel...

Mom to Liz (14) and Dillon (3) and Mitchell FINALLY born 7/11/10!
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#85 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 05:29 PM
 
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I absolutely make his lunch! Everyday!

He works two jobs (total of 64 hours per week) and goes to school. And he is doing this so that I am able to stay home with our children. The LEAST I can do, is make his lunch for him.
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#86 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 06:09 PM
 
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It wasn't the making of lunches or not making of lunches that concerned me at all. It was the tone and the comments that I found troubling.
OK, I could see why it did.
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then what makes DH special?
You are right, my husband *is* more than just a friend, but the point i was trying to make is that I don't show my love in making a lunch (somewhere someone mentioned friend, so i wanted to make it clear that i don't make lunch for a friend either, because If I'm not gonna do it for my husband, i wont do it for Sally next door either), I show it in other ways, which sometimes happens to be in a food kinda way. So maybe I am not making him lunch, but i can tell you i do make him a flank steak with a port wine sauce when he has had an awful day at work. And I do pick up his dry-cleaning, mostly because he leaves before they open, and gets home after they close. But, he makes me coffee every morning, and when I have had a bad day at work he does something special. He will bring us cappuccinos (all of us, every nurse there).

I am curious about the 'serving mentality" brought up in the thread. Is it a Christianity thing? I have looked in the bible and cant find that issue, although submission is. I'm not trying to derail the thread, but you have quite a few of us with the hell no attitude, and more than a few who feel "its the least I can do" attitude. I wonder why some feel that they should, and why it hasn't occurred to the rest. Honestly, this is not something I think about doing, and my husband is balls to the wall 60 plus hours a week, and has been for the better part of 18 years.
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#87 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 06:18 PM
 
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Maybe I feel that I should because I have tons of down time, can be on the computer a lot of the time, hang out with friends during the day doing fun stuff like parks and going to the zoo, sleep in, pursue hobbies ect. while rarely gets any free time. I feel sorry for him that he has to work full time to support us and not have any fun.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#88 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 09:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Sharlla
That's opinion.
No, it's my experience, not my opinion. There is a difference. Your experiences have been different from mine, but you don't get to disagree with my experiences. It just doesn't work that way.

My experience was that working 50+ hours a week and not having kids was a piece of cake compared to be a mom.

I cannot believe the making of lunch is such a hot topic. This such a non-issue for us. Sometimes I make DH lunch, most of the time I don't. It really just doesn't matter. Lunches around here are very simple -- leftovers from dinners, sandwiches, or soup.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#89 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 10:09 PM
 
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Well...I work out of home 16 hours a week in the evenings. DH and I both live half a mile from work. It's important to us to eat meals together as a family, so for his lunch break, he usually comes home and we eat together. After he gets off work, we eat dinner together, and then I go to work. I'm the one who's home at those times, so I make the meals. I'm happy to do it. On some days, if he knows he will have to stay at work over lunch, I'll make him something to take. (Because I love him.) But I don't always have the time to make him something in those circumstances, and of course that doesn't mean I DON'T love him. I don't think that anyone on this thread really believes not making a lunch for your husband = you don't love your husband.

But I don't get the people who don't see how preparing a meal for someone can be a gesture of love. I mean, of course he's a "big boy" with two hands and a brain. I'm a grown woman with two hands and a brain myself. I'm perfectly capable of running myself a bath, or rubbing my own feet. That's exactly WHY it's a gesture of love if DH does something like that for me (and, no, I don't get those things quite as often as I'd like :LOL but he HAS done them for me). Anyway, if he EXPECTED me to make him meals in those circumstances, I would be irritated. But if he asks me nicely, I'm happy to do it. And if I ask him nicely, he will make me a sandwich too.

Mother of three and strong advocate of being KIND to each other. (No one is going to learn how to be a better mother by your telling her she makes you want to throw up.)
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#90 of 152 Old 09-20-2005, 10:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move
My experience was that working 50+ hours a week and not having kids was a piece of cake compared to be a mom.
If I had 2 kids, 2 dogs, 3 cats, and homeschooled, I don't think I'd be making my husband's lunches, either! My day just isn't nearly that full now. What I'm doing now is far easier than any job I ever had before because I only have one and not even a single house plant!
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