Realities of SAHM? (long & ranting -sorry) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 31 Old 09-20-2005, 10:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, sahms -- needing some advice here!

I'm a new momma - ds is 6 weeks, and I always knew that when I had kids I wanted to be a sahm for them, at least during the early/school years. It worked out beautifully that in my 3rd trimester, dh got a new job which precipitated a move to a rural (cheaper) area which offers no employment opportunities for me...which actually works out fine, since it is a cheaper place to live and we were expecting ds a month after we moved here.

So, I've been home now with ds and he is so wonderful. I love him to pieces, but I'm having a hard time adjusting to some of the realities of being a SAHM....which makes me feel awful, since it is both what I want to do and what I believe is best for ds.

I've spent all day having a one-sided conversation with a 6-week old infant, and dh comes home in a rotten mood. He's mad b/c he wanted to go out to eat and ds was in his evening colicky-crying phase for an hour, which meant no dining out. We had hot dogs. Dh throws the hot dogs back into the fridge, mutters mean things under his breath, and hasn't talked to me all evening. I know something else must be wrong besides the stupid hot dogs, but he's in such an awful mood, I'm not going in the living room right now........

It's just hard because I just want someone to talk to...and dh is so not very good at that anyway, let alone when he's in a rotten mood.

And, I'm trying so hard to do everything - laundry, dishes, clean house...and take care of ds...that it's all I can do to fit it all in during the day while dh is gone...and when he comes home, he just looks around the house (which is actually quite clean, considering) like..."You've been sitting around eating bonbons all day while I've been out *working* and the place looks like this?"

I am so tired getting up all night - I do all the nighttime parenting since I'm bf'ing and in dh's words, "She's home; she can take a nap if she needs to" -- which I long for...but haven't done, since I'm trying to keep up with everything, and I am so very tired and weary.

I know the child-taking-care-of part gets easier, right? He'll get bigger and sleep more and longer, and be able to nap and play on the rug for a few minutes while I shower, I know (okay, I hope - desperately)... --- but how do you deal with the "rest of" being a SAHM?

It is wonderful...but I think I'm also finding out that it can at times be very lonely..and boring...and tiring...and frustrating....

How did any of you deal with this?

I love ds, and I dearly love the time we spend together...but this is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be.

Mama to A 8/05 and S 11/06
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#2 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 10:22 AM
 
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I think the only thing that gets me through is having adult conversations with people other than dh. I know you're new to the area, why don't you try volunteering somewhere and maybe you can meet people that way. A lot of people say to join a mom's group or LLL, but they only meet so often so it might take a while to make some friends.

Also, it sounds like your husband is not only having a hard time at work, but also not being sensitive to what it is like to be alone and taking care of a baby all day. Maybe on a weekend, when he isn't quite as tense you can sit down and talk to him about the difficulties involved in staying at home and how you need extra sensitivity right now. It sounds like the whole family is going through some changes right now, but with a little patience and love - you will all get through it just fine!!

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#3 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 10:34 AM
 
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I completely understand how you are feeling. I deal with it by joining mama groups. Check out yahoo groups in your are. Also try http://www.matchingmoms.org/ they can connect you to other moms in your area (if there are any) that are on that site and also try LLL. Good luck! I know that it's been my saving grace. I belong to an AP group and there are several women that have infants and children my older son's age. We get together at least weekly.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#4 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 10:39 AM
 
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I def. agree that you need to find other moms in your position. It really helps to find that support, and maybe they can help you out with whatever problems you're having (or give you some advice, etc).

As for dh, yours sounds like mine did after ds#1. I think I finally had it out with him one day, but I hope you don't have to come to that. Things will start getting better!
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#5 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 10:51 AM
 
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The hubby issue is quite common among SAHM's. Sometimes dh's can forget that while you haven't done the dishes yet or folded the laundry you have nursed the baby approx. 1,485,839 times and that takes time.lol Plus with a six week old you are still recovering. Explain to your hubby that A. you're just getting this SAHM thing down. He *needs* to be patient and help out some. B. No, you haven't been napping because you're stressing over meeting his expectations so you need to talk about reasonable expectations. and C. You are simply NOT going to get a ton of stuff done with a 6 wk. old. It's not going to happen and more you push the worse it'll get.

Take a nap. Keep your to do list short, like 3-4 things max. Try to get things ready for a crockpot the night before- while your dh is snuggling the baby. Do a load of laundry a day.


I explain it my hubby like this- he works 8 hrs a day, gets adult interaction, get a full nights sleep and 2 hrs. ( atleast) of alone time in the car a day. I am up with every couple hrs. with the baby, all day with the kids where my conversations tend to revolve around kid stuff.

And quite honestly, when he was still being a bonehead I took off for a couple hrs. and left all 3 kids here. I went to the bookstore ect. and didn't call home. When I came back dh was run ragged and going ' How do you get anything done?!!? I couldn't even go pee w/o someone following me! I served lunch and 5 mins. later someone wanted a snack! When I tried to fold laundry they unfolded it all. And then I had to feed the baby so it's a huge mess when I was *trying* to clean!'
After I quit laughing, he looked at me and realised exactly what happened- he got a taste of MY day and suddenly didn't feel so good to remember the remarks he'd made.

Of course, you can't do that with a newborn. But honest talks and everyone relaxing expectations will get pretty far.
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#6 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 10:57 AM
 
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You sound exactly how I felt when my daughter was newborn. I was running around all day trying to get all the housework done, taking care of baby etc.

Then someone told me that caring for your child and keeping house are two separate full-time jobs. I think your DH will agree that taking care of your child is the number one priority. His full time job is out of the home, your full-time job is your child.

So that leaves the job of housework for you guys to split since you both work all day. If he is stubborn in his "eating bon bons" theory, try writing down every single task you do each day to show him just how much free time you have.

Also for mental health reasons I decided to let some of the housework go. I realized a happy healthy child is so much more important than a sparkling clean home. Trust me, kids like mess, they won't care.

My DH and I had a few sleep deprived arguments back in the early days, but everything eventually balanced out for us.
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#7 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 11:00 AM
 
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Wow! You're only six weeks into this! Relax and give yourself time to adjust. Do you have a nice relative who could come and stay with you and keep you company (and pitch in with the housework?)

It sounds like your DH is still adjusting to the new baby too. It's a lot of pressure to be the sole breadwinner, so maybe that's what he's feeling. Could you give your DH some time with the baby on the weekend where he's in charge of the baby AND the household so he "gets it"? Maybe you could be outside while he stays inside with the baby and lets you know when he needs to nurse. Is he on board with AP and what that entails?

I was really shocked by how much time and energy a baby takes. It didn't really get any easier for me until DD started crawling.

Give yourself and your DH some time to grow into this parenting thing. The first few months can be really hard. But they are SOOOO worth i!
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#8 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 11:08 AM
 
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Your dh may be exhusted, but i think treating a 6 week post partum owman like that is horrible. (Or any woman...post partum or not). He may be adjusting to new fatherhood, but it would be nice if he realized you were also adjusting to new motherhood. Is this a new behavior for him?

I would also try to join LLL or something similar so you can meet other mothers going through the early weeks. It helps to know you're not alone.

But at 6 weeks, you're prob still bleeding, just getting a milk supply established and prob hardly sleeping. So I would cut yourself some slack at this point. Pretend you have the flu or something and crawl into bed and rest, read, watch chick movies, listen to soothing music etc., while the baby nurses.

But I still think your dh's behavior is wrong. Someone needs to talk to him.
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#9 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 11:09 AM
 
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I am so sorry. I think this is the myth of SAHMs - that they get to sit around eating bonbons and watching soaps all day.

I took off time to recover from my c/s and take care of ds and then dh took off time when I went back to work. So we don't have the issues you guys are having because he has seen how incredibly hard it is...

oh yeah, when he was at work and I was at home he said, "When I'm home with Matthew, I'm going to get out and we'll walk the dogs, and I'll get to exercise every day, and I'm going to get this house totally organized and in to shape..." :LOL

YEAH RIGHT... NEVER HAPPENED...

The truth is, being home with a baby your baby's age is the HARDEST FREAKING JOB in the world. You are doing a fantastic job!

It sounds like your husband needs to maybe experience what it is like to be a SAHD... but since that isn't happening, take the advice of the other SAHM here who have been through this same thing.

Having a baby changes so much. And taking care of a new baby and taking care of a house are really two separate jobs, as the pp said.

Things will get better as your baby gets older but really, cut yourself a break. You are working harder than you have probably ever worked in your life. It is worse than any sleep deprivation training the marines go through... it is 24 -7 and your body is still recovering from the most traumatic thing it can go through...

My baby is 5 months old and my house is still a wreck. But we have a happy healthy baby and that is what is important.
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#10 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 11:16 AM
 
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I'll tell you a story with a happy ending that might cheer you up.

When I was three, my mom had triplets.

I was apparently an "easy" baby and toddler, slept in, no tantrums, helpful, etc.

My sisters were preemies and when one would cry, they all would join in and screeeeeeam. They cried a lot.

My Dad wasn't adjusting well. He apparently still had an attitude and wasn't really taking charge when it came to the babies, leaving it up to my Mom.

My Mom finally went upstairs to take a shower, a real treat I'm told, and started washing her hair. Dad was watching the babies for a few minutes.

She heard my Dad suddenly start screaming: "SH|T!! SH|T!! SH|T!!!!".

She RAN out of the shower, shampoo in her hair, streaked down the stairs, thinking that one of the babies must be choking or something.

She gets into the room and finds my Dad with one of the babies in his hand, with poop running down her legs. Some of the poop had gotten into the crib.

That's it.

She had HAD it.

She calmly picked my sister up and put her back in the crib, wailing, all three of them wailing, poop everywhere.

She turned to my Dad and said, "DH, if you don't smarten up RIGHT NOW and start taking responsibility for these children, I'm going to leave you."

pause

"I'm going to take Trinitty and LEAVE YOU WITH THE BABIES."

From that moment on, he was the most hands-on Dad I've ever met.



Now, I'm not suggesting that you threaten to leave your husband, but, maybe a couple of hours would be a good idea.

Hang in there, I'll be a SAHM at some point, and I'm sure I'll know how you feel.

I hope the story made the Mommas laugh.
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#11 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 11:47 AM
 
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First of all, at 6 weeks postpartum, stop doing ANY housework. At 6 weeks postpartum with my first, the most I could manage aside from feeding and cleaning the baby and maybe getting dressed/brushing my teeth/et al. was perhaps a load of laundry and only because I could dump it in and not worry about it for awhile. It was a struggle to feed myself. DS wanted to be held constantly and I didn't have a good sling at the time. DH started grad school when DS was just 3 weeks old, so he was pretty much gone. I lived on microwaved Amy's meals for a long while.

Your priority needs to be your baby, not the balancing act. As you get adjusted, you can add something into your routine here and there, but it will take a long while. Heck, finally last winter while pg w/ DS2, I was able to figure out how to add making bean soups from scratch and baking into my routine. DS1 was 2 1/2 at the time. That's the first time I've cooked regularly since pre-baby. DH does all the cooking normally. And as for showers, it was 6 months before I managed to figure out how to bathe with my baby without DH in the house taking care of DS. You need to not have to worry about your home so much. You need to be able to do the minimum so that you can enjoy your baby. He's going to grow up fast, though it may not seem like it right now. The days are long, but the years are short. Trust me.

Your DH needs to get a clue. But it sounds like there may be something at work stressing him out. In the meantime, there's a whole person you two are now reasponsible for, so while he may need to adjust to that idea, he can't dilly-dally about it, because you don't really get the option of thinking it over once baby is already there. The baby has needs that have to be met now by both of you. There's no letting that go while adjusting to the idea. It's a crash course, to be sure, but that's the way it is. You either get on board, putting all your neuroses aside for the sake of your life (and marriage), or everyone (clearly) suffers. I'd have some nice long talks. See what he has to say about this new life and share your own concerns. It could be really nice to share in the difficulty of it with the person who's right there going through it with you.

And, as others have mentioned, find other moms. They're your colleagues and their company could be a life-saver.

anna kiss partner to jon radical mama to aleks (8/02) and bastian (5/05)
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#12 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 11:55 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trinitty
"I'm going to take Trinitty and LEAVE YOU WITH THE BABIES."
Too funny!! :LOL I love it!

To the OP, I agree with the others that your DH has absolutely no idea what it's like to be a SAHM. He may be feeling jealousy that you're not "working", and perhaps believes that you're getting an extended vacation and lots of resting time.

Since you can't get out of the house by yourself when you've got a 6 week old, can you declare yourself unavailable except for nursing for a day (or a whole weekend ) and just spend the day doing whatever YOU want to do? No cooking, no cleaning, just playing on the computer, or watching tv, or sitting outside reading. When your DS wants to nurse, your DH can bring hm to you. DH can get up with him at night (as long as it's not nursing he needs) while you catch a few more zzzz's.

You're still healing, mama! It's outrageous of your husband to expect everything to be done, IMO. Perhaps you can get your midwife or OB to talk to your DH about being postpartum? Or better yet, get a LLL leader to talk to your DH about the demands of a nursing mother. DH should be bringing you water and serving you meals, not the other way around! My goodness, you are single-handedly feeding his child and keeping him alive and thriving! Your DH needs to fully internalize what that entails!

The baby will grow and will need to nurse less often, but that doesn't mean you will have more time! The baby will become mobile, which is a whole new ball of wax! :LOL


Good luck, mama! Keep us posted!
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#13 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 11:58 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by annakiss
First of all, at 6 weeks postpartum, stop doing ANY housework.

Your priority needs to be your baby, not the balancing act.

Your DH needs to get a clue. But it sounds like there may be something at work stressing him out. In the meantime, there's a whole person you two are now reasponsible for, so while he may need to adjust to that idea, he can't dilly-dally about it, because you don't really get the option of thinking it over once baby is already there. The baby has needs that have to be met now by both of you. There's no letting that go while adjusting to the idea. It's a crash course, to be sure, but that's the way it is.

And, as others have mentioned, find other moms. They're your colleagues and their company could be a life-saver.

annakiss said it alll so well, but I just wanted to quote a few of the highlights. Especially the part aboutstop doing any housework. Really, this is not the time to be a domestic goddess. Your number one priority is to take care of your baby. To hell with the dishes; let dh do them when he gets home.

Your husband sounds like a prime candidate for some baby therapy. That is, leave him alone with the baby for an hour, leave the house, and let him see just what is entailed. He'll smarten up right quick.

Also, have him read this thread.
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#14 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 11:59 AM
 
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Oh mama - taking care of a new baby is really hard even when you have tons of support and it sounds like you are doing it completely alone. You have gotten some great feedback here. My suggestion is you print out this entire thread, including your OP and give it to your hubby while you and the babe go for a walk or something.

Then come up with a plan for getting out more - however you can do it.

Next I would suggest making a short list with your dh of the stuff you both consider to be essential to get done each day. Once its done ask *him* which ones he would like to take on.

When we SAH everyone seems to have this 50's housewife image of cookies in the oven, happy kids and a pristine home. When I called my mum in the early days and complained that I couldn't get a shower let alone shop and cook dinner she told me a couple of great things.

1) The image we have of SAHM is based on stupid movies, not reality.
2) The reality is the babies back then were often on feeding schedules and CIO was pretty normal
3) There tended to be lots of family support.
4) The mothers all eventually went crazy, took valium or became feminists
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#15 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 12:04 PM
 
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I agree with everything said so far. One thing I want to add is you said your dh has just started a new job. That can do very stressful to as you learn what is expected of you and how to do that. That dosn't excuse his behavior but it is something to think about. Try telling him that you know how hard it is to adjust to a new job because you are adjusting to a knew job to.

And if he wants to eat out, try take out!

Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.)0(
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#16 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 12:16 PM
 
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Like another mama, my husband was a bonehead when we had our first child. In fact, I can think of other choice words to describe him :

I can honestly say little changed, no matter how exhausted and overwhelmed I was. I still to this day cannot believe how much time a tiny baby cane take up. I never understood why I didnt have more time to get stuff done!

Baby #2 was a bit better, and by # 3, my husband had come around, probably because he was older and more mature. : ut deep down, and I mean deep, I still think my husband believes the household is my responsibility, regardless of my outside comittments. We don't talk about it, but I feel my husband struggles with this midset (and like you, my house is clean).

The only thing that helps us, is my working 2 days (which I am not endorsing nor encouraging any mama to do, especially in the SAHM forum!!), but I think it helps *me* and balances the power in the relationship.

Having anewborn was never easy for me, regardless of all the love I felt for my babies. And I was angry at my husband for not helping me more. In fact, 18 yrs later it came up in marriage counseling!

I think it sounds like you are doing a splendid job with your baby. But please, for the love of God, take a nap! The house can wait! Your exhaustion can hurt your health, your mood, your everything, your coping skills!

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#17 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 12:18 PM
 
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It sounds to me like the majority of your problems are coming from your relationship with DH. It is mean and disrespectful to toss food back in the fridge, mutter under his breath, and it is also wrong that he doesn't recognize how hard it is to SAH and BF a baby around the clock, and he thinks he is working and you are not.

I don't know what to tell you beyond that, because you can't really change another person. You could try stating your case to him and ask him to be more respectful, appreciative, and considerate. But he might not "hear" you.
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#18 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 12:35 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama
Your husband sounds like a prime candidate for some baby therapy. That is, leave him alone with the baby for an hour, leave the house, and let him see just what is entailed. He'll smarten up right quick.

Also, have him read this thread.

Problem with that is my babies always seemed to sleep when I left them with DH. With me, they would scream and want to be held, but they were a whole different child around him....

~C~
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#19 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 12:44 PM
 
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nak..... i'm so sorry dh isn't more supportive. at 6 weeks he should still be helping you. my doc said to do nothing but the baby for the first 6 weeks. As far as the house. I clean 2 times a day and it is still never clean. It never will be a s long as we live in it. As long as mold is not growing and your not in danger of losing ds to CPS because of the filth I think your doing great. Second, a nursing babe IS your life for the first probably 3 months, and it takes that long to even start to feel normal again. Nurse, relax, clean when you want to. Find others moms, and most importantly talk to your hubby. Tell him how he is making you feel undervalued. Ask about his new job. Don't let things fester, epecially with pp hormones that are probably going everywhere. It will get better mama.
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#20 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 12:52 PM
 
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dp and i have similar issues sometimes. they're getting better, but it's not always easy. you have to talk to him. here's somethings that have helped us.

-try to remember that he's adjusting too.
-try not to make it sound like his job is better or easier.
-try not to make it a compition.
-remember that you get to spend way more time with dc than he does.
-being a good spouse goes both ways. listen to him and he'll listen to you.

good luck. it's a great job. and it will get better.
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#21 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 01:02 PM
 
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I haven't read what everyone else has said, so I'm sure I'm just repeating what these smart moms have already told you.

At 6 weeks old, there is no balancing act. None. Zero. Zilch. 6 weeks is really, really hard and you pretty much only have time to take care of the baby and take care of yourself.

Get takeout. Frozen pizzas. Whatever you need to have in the freezer or at the phone to eat every night.

Then forget about the house. Seriously. Maybe take an hour between both of you on the weekend to clean it up if you think it really needs it, but forget about it during the week.

Your body is busy trying to recover from birth and your baby needs you 24/7. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Everyone says it, and it's absolutely true. That's how you will recover from birth and be able to devote attention to the baby.

Go outside and take the baby for a walk every day. Every day; rain or shine.

Look into the mom's group and get into a playgroup. It's not for the babies; it's for the moms at this age and it will really help to give you an in-person reality check on what the other new moms are doing or more likely not doing.

Having a new baby and being the only one working is a huge adjustment for dads. They are making a totally different adjustment and having to cope with the fact that they are now wholely responsible for the financial wellbeing of the familiy. On top of that, they're stressed out at work because of this and then they come home to us, and all we want to do is hand them the baby and have an adult conversation. It sucks.

I remember arguments that dh and I used to have when ds was a baby that basically went like this: My day was crappier than yours. No, my day was crappier than yours. I'm more tired than you. No, I'M more tired than you. And on and on for hours....fun, fun, fun...

SAHM is great, but I'll be honest, it's not great at 6 weeks. It sucks. And it's ok to admit that it sucks. It's ok for both of you to sit down and say, ok this sucks. And we can't quite understand how the other is dealing with this huge life-changing event, but let's talk about it as best we can.

And when the baby can take a bottle, start going out by yourself for an hour or two at night or on the weekends. Regularly. An appreciation of what you do will develop that no amount of talking could ever make happen.

And it gets better. Much, much better...

HTH!

Jen, former attorney and now SAHM to 11 yo ds and 8 yo ds

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#22 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 01:46 PM
 
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Well, the other mamas have said it so well already, but I wanted to add my 2 cents. Nap when your baby naps, save the household work for the weekends when you can (and split it with DH), and find some other mamas to talk to. My DH started a new job and we moved to a new town when DD was 3 months old. He was gone long hours, and I felt very lonely not knowing anyone in my new neighborhood. There were days when I relished a conversation with the mail carrier, or the cashier at the supermarket. :LOL It will get better for you, especially when you find some other mamas to talk to. And, talk to your DH about how you both are feeling as soon as you can. Having a child changes your relationship so much, and he's probably having a difficult time, too (not to excuse him for anything that he's done or said). Once your DH has some alone time with your baby, he will appreciate all you do.

You are doing great! You have the best job in the world. Be sure to take care of yourself, you are still recovering.

SAHM to my sweet and lovely DD (7), my curious and fun DS1 (4), and my adventurous and cuddly DS2 (1)!

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#23 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 02:31 PM
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My best friend is going through this right now. Her son has been home with her for 3 days. I usually hear from her twice a day, but nothing since I dropped in for the few min. I had when she came home. I called today and spoke with her dh. They are tired. It's a huge adjustment that they didn't anticipate being so difficult.

Being a mom is hard. Being a SAHM is even harder. It's a lot of work taking care of the house, the baby and the husband. The husbands don't usually understand how exhausting it is. They can't figure out why a little baby takes up so much time.

All I can say is do the best you can. Call some friends or family if you need help. Ask someone to come and watch the baby so you can get caught up on laudry and meals. Freezing meals is always a good plan. Make lots and then freeze the extras. Try to plan ahead and make a realistic schedule for yourself, but don't worry if it goes down the toilette.

I know it's hard, but when dh comes home in a mood. I just give him a kiss and walk away. A baby is a big adjustment socially. As the carriers we have 9 months to prepare. No booze, good food, no stressful activities. The guys however just get to jump in to a new social adjustment. I think it's really hard for dads to go from thinking about their own needs/wants first and putting someone elses need/wants first.

Hang in there. Try to find a parenting group close by. Put adds up in your community and host a group.
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#24 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 04:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, everyone, so much.

I was in tears this morning, and I came here and began reading all of your kind, thoughtful responses. It made me cry more, thinking about all of the support I'm getting - like 15 people here in my living room, telling me that my feelings are valid and I really am doing okay.

Right around that time, ds started crying too, and I took him and both of us laid down on the couch and took a beautiful 2 hour nap together, woke up so gently, and nursed for a long long time after. The best few hours I've had in several weeks.

I decided to ignore the housework more and try to have more moments with ds like we've had this afternoon.

And, I was focusing on my own stress much more than I was thinking about what dh must be going through - new job, new sole breadwinner, etc., because I really have - consciously and unconsciously, I think - been playing the game of "my day was worse" and "I'm more tired", which hasn't gotten us anywhere.

I am going to try to talk to dh about this soon, because you're right - I need to communicate all of this much better than I have. Dh isn't an evil person, I just haven't spelled out my position as well as I should have before I grew to be this angry and resentful.

And, there's a mom's group about ~100 miles away that I am honestly considering joining (despite gas prices!). It might help, like some of you said, and I think it will be particularly helpful to keep me sane and more balanced.

Thanks, everyone, for caring enough to respond - I feel so much better.

Mama to A 8/05 and S 11/06
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#25 of 31 Old 09-21-2005, 04:53 PM
 
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Glad to hear you're feeling better.

It sounds like you've found your Mom's group!

Hang in there Momma!!!!
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#26 of 31 Old 09-25-2005, 01:44 PM
 
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I have no advice for you, but merely support. I am STILL battling this exact situation with my dh and my littlest one is nearly 9months. It's beyond frustrating and saddening to me. I'm sorry you are going through this but I'm sorta glad I'm not the only one. I really could have written your original post. Best wishes!

meg

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#27 of 31 Old 09-25-2005, 02:12 PM
 
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Another support post here. First and foremost, you should be resting during this time. Let the housework go and enlist any and all help you can find. Any way you could hire someone to clean for you, even if it's only for these first few months? It really can mean the diff between sanity and insanity. It did for me, anyway.

Becoming parents can be such a hard transition for both parents and I think time and communication are the key factors for resolving these sort of issues.

If it's any consolation, my DH and went through the same thing for MONTHS but things are so much better now! DD is 16 months and those days of us feeling mutual resentment seems so far away, so long ago.

Things did get better gradually (us agreeing to get back on , but things really changed when I was in a wedding a few months back and DH was "in charge" of both DD and DSS (who is 13, but a handful in his own way) for the better part of a whole weekend. It was a major eye opener for him and he's been much more involved ever since. I think a lot of couples need to have this sort of experience where one of them finally "gets" it.

Taking time for yourself is important for a number of reasons and this is one of them. The more time your DH has with the babe, the better he will understand just how much effort it all takes. And if you get a break now and again, all the better.
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#28 of 31 Old 10-05-2005, 12:33 AM
 
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Just a small bubble burst...When my DH is left alone with the kids he thinks he has harder b/c they don't cry as much for me. Which is true however, he only has to handle the kids...not a bunch of other things that go with staying home. (BTW this is no longer an issue b/c DS wont take a bottle so I leftmy job) My DH expected way too much when we had our first until he came home and found me crying on the floor b/c I couldn't figure out how to stuff a pork chop.
Things are better now but not perfect. I'm sure he thinks I should do more but really I was never a good house keeper and that doesn't click in just b/c you have a baby. I do what I can and try to vaccuum so the floor looks neat.

The first rule of homeschooling: water the plants! :
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#29 of 31 Old 10-05-2005, 12:52 AM
 
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Just wanted to say that is exactly how I felt when my first was a newborn. And I finally got so tired trying to keep that up that I pumped enough bottles for a day and night, waited until DH came home friday afternoon and left half an hour later. I went and to a hotel and stayed the night and slept in, and went home the next day feeling much better. (Of course I called home like a million times...)
More importantly my DH got a taste of what I was dealing with on a daily basis, and adjusted his attitude.
Every worker needs breaks! Make sure you take some, even if you feel guilty, do it anyway. And the first few months are hard, and it will get easier I promise. I had colicky, very high needs babies who marathon nursed through the first few months of life, but it got easier, and I've been home with my kids for 4 1/2 years!
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#30 of 31 Old 10-05-2005, 01:01 AM
 
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Hoping you get some good advice that i can use too..I know exactly how you feel!
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