dp said "I'm living for free"!! - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 20 Old 09-25-2005, 12:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm raising dd mostly on my own because dp works. I cook. I clean. I do groceries and all the other household chores. Yet I am living for free?? All I want to do is cry. He makes good $$ and tells me that I shoulkd get a job on the weekends pumping gas or whatever else I can do to contribute to the family. I guess I'm not contributing?? What do I need? I guess I just needed to get that out. I feel belittled, frustrated, like I'm just a useless and weak woman. The only thing I've ever spent $ on is food and dd. Thanks for listening
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#2 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 03:47 PM
 
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Have you been staying home for long? I know that when I first started staying home my dh felt a lot of pressure being the only one making money. The total responsibility really freaked him out. Over the last 2 years we've had "the grass is greener" type conversations a few times. I think he has it easy because he goes to work with grown ups, eats out, stays in nice hotels and gets a full nights sleep. He thinks I have it easy because I don't have to do those things

Have you talked to him about how his attitude makes you feel? Has he ever had the total responsibility of taking care of your child while you were gone? Maybe he just has no idea what staying home entails. I always joke to my dh that I would be thrilled to give him a minute by minute list of what I do all day....it would make his head spin :LOL
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#3 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 03:52 PM
 
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Go on something online like Monster.com and find out what you would make if he hired you to do what you do- clean/cook/childcare



-Angela
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#4 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 03:58 PM
 
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I had a conversation with two SAH pals this morning about how frustrating it is to have people patronize our decision to stay home by assuming it's NOT work. Good luck working this out with your DP. I wish I had some words of wisdom to share, I just wanted you to know you have my empathy....

homeschooling mother to 4 (!) living in western Massachusetts
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#5 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 04:29 PM
 
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I'm sorry-I know that is hurtful. Once and a while dh slips a little something out that is similar, and it really makes me feel badly too. I know that he doesn't really mean that/think it, but sometimes he just gets stressed and pissy when it's bill writing time, and we literally just make it...

I would definitely call him on it though-otherwise you will ocntinue to feel upset about it, and it isn't good to let it stew...trust me!

I hope you're feeling better by now. Hugs.
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#6 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 05:02 PM
 
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Lets see... You work from the time you get up until the time you go to bed. You are on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You don't get paid, there are no benefits, no vacation time or even a lunch break. And you do it all for the benefit of your family. You are an incredible person for making the decision to put your dd ahead of everything else. She will grow up secure and happy knowing that Mom is there for her!

Hugs!!!!!!!!

Pumping gas is not a meaningful contribution to a family!

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#7 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 05:06 PM
 
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I just got this today from a friend of mine (who doesn't even have children. so I thought it was funny that it was even on her radar):

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had
been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was
spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of
water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
> She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

R~mama to 3

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#8 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 05:09 PM
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What is it with today's generation? 50 years ago it was unheard of for the wife and mother to work. It was an insult to the husband. Now, I know that inflation and low wages plays a large role but what happened to society believing and supporting single family incomes? I find so many men are resentful of their partners staying home, even though they know it's the best thing for their family. So many men are being raised to expect the women to do it all. I know a lot of men who feel that their wives should be earning and income and taking care of all the family and household responsibilities.

Raising children takes the work of both partners. Earning and income outside the home is no more important for the family than having a parent take care of that families needs. Sure if he didn't have a job then you would be up the creek, but if the laundry/shopping/cleaning/dinner making didn't get done you would be living in squallar.
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#9 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 05:30 PM
 
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Dh told me once I had it so easy : I was like what! when I did work,I still had to come home,do the housekeeping/childcare/billpaying/shopping
cooking dance.He NEVER has had to do that : the one time i was in the hospital for back surgery he farmed the kids out to friends and neighbors,the house looked like a bomb had hit.
I think he's the one who has it easy.When he comes home,meals are ready his house and children are clean and presentable ( never know who he's bringing home for dinner )bills are in the mail,the yards are tidy and weed free.Heck his clothes are freshly laundered and put away.Of course he can sleep in late on the weekends because he works!
No wonder I've threatened more than once to go live at the beach
And he wonders why I'm tired all the time I really do love him but GAWD THE MAN CAN BE SUCH AN IDIOT
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#10 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 06:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cjr
What is it with today's generation? 50 years ago it was unheard of for the wife and mother to work. It was an insult to the husband.
It was unusual for white, middle class wives and mothers to work outside the home 50 years ago. However, for most other women, working outside the home was the norm just as it is now.

The good old days weren't. Try reading "The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap" by Stephanie Coontz to bust a few of those myths.
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#11 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 07:51 PM
 
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I'd go out and get a part time job, then make his start doing 1/2 of everything around the house. I'm sure he'll be missing the good old days where he didn't have to do anything other than work real fast.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids 17, 11, 6, 3
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#12 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 08:39 PM
 
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What you need is couple counselling or a new man.
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#13 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 09:18 PM
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It was unusual for white, middle class wives and mothers to work outside the home 50 years ago. However, for most other women, working outside the home was the norm just as it is now.
Maybe that's where I'm going wrong? I grew up with grandparents who were middle class and so were all of their friends. Therefore I grew up with the stories about how my grandparents struggled through some hard times but that they made sure my grandma was able to SAH for my mom and her brother. They struggled through the war, the depression, through my grandmother's illness that had her bedridden for 2 years. For him it was an honor to support his family. He didn't have a fancy job and they were not wealthy. My grandfather has always been proud of the fact that his wife was a SAHM and was very proud of the decision I made to SAH with my kids. My grandfather never complained about doing housework or chores and he always commented on how important my Nana was to the family. My grandmother worked when my mom was older, but that was more for herself.

Now, my dad was the total opposite and he raised my brother to be the same. Our home was not a happy one. That's why it's so important to me to have my husband support and help with the kids and the house. It has taken dh a long time to realize that being a SAHM is a valued and important profession. I have a hard time dealing with him being gone so much because it's hard on all of us. In the earlier years of our marriage he acting as if I wasn't pulling my wieght, even though I ran a very full dayhome to help make ends meet. It was his decision to close the dayhome and his decision for me to SAHM (well both of ours, but mostly his). I have been offered jobs and when his company offered me a job it was 3 months before I heard about it because dh said "no, we need her at home". Whenever I talk about getting a job to help out he's very supportive but I think that's because he knows it would be too difficult on our family and I will realize that soon enough.

Sometimes he drives me crazy but he really does try. He puts the laundry away and does the dishes. Baths the kids and helps them with their homework. It's a little harder to get him to do things outside the house with the kids like PTA and soccer, but that's because he misses "his time". I am lucky and it takes me hearing about other husbands that belittle their wives value as a SAHM to realize how lucky I am.

Jasmyn's Mum ((hugs)) to you. I know how hard it is to do it all by yourself. When dh is gone I get totally burt out. I also know that if you do work to "support yourself" your workload will double and that's not fair. Perhaps you can sit down with him and let him know how his comment hurt you? Then ask him what he will contribute to the family and household chores if you were to get a job. I hope things work out for you.
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#14 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 09:24 PM
 
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It is work. Ask him how much you think it would cost him to hire a nanny/cook/maid/etc?

Ho wabout families taking care of each other? Geez. I cannot even tell you how angry this makes me.

Jam 7, Peanut Butter 5, and Bread 2.

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#15 of 20 Old 09-27-2005, 09:40 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by choli
It was unusual for white, middle class wives and mothers to work outside the home 50 years ago. However, for most other women, working outside the home was the norm just as it is now.

The good old days weren't. Try reading "The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap" by Stephanie Coontz to bust a few of those myths.
yea, I read somewhere that 40% of women in the 50s worked outside the home. My grandmothers didn't ever (they were white middleclass) my dh's grandmothers both did their entire life (working class).

More, sahms got a lot of disrespect even though it was then expected of middleclass wives to stay home. Read cartoons (like in teh New Yorker) and magazines from the period - suburaban wives are portayed as shopoholics who as gossip with other suburburban wives mothers all day - in other words men work to support women who don't work. So this dismissal of what sahm does is not new.

But that is beside the point. These stories break my heart. What these dhs are saying and doing is absolultely unacceptable. Think about your daughter and how you want her to be treated in her own future partnership. You are modeling what is acceptable. My dad was pretty disrespectful of my mom. I am watching my brother begin to be that same way towards his wife. He knows better, but these things are what we grew up with, and it is very hard to get away from it. This isn't just about what is right for YOU, it is about what is right for your children because they are watching what is going on and learning what is accpetable and what is not from what they see your dh do and say.

Good luck to all of you.
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#16 of 20 Old 09-28-2005, 04:24 AM
 
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This is a man I'd walk out the door on next Saturday and spend the ENTIRE day away from home while DH is home alone with your child. Make sure you leave him a list of chores that need to be done: dishes, laundry, healthy meals for your DD and himself, etc. and go have a good time!! :LOL

secular classical-ish mama to an incredible 5 year old DS and an amazing 6 year old DD.
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#17 of 20 Old 09-28-2005, 04:37 AM
 
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You ARE doing the best thing for your family.
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#18 of 20 Old 09-28-2005, 04:58 AM
 
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I use to be married to a guy like that for 10 yrs and the verbal belittling just kept escalating until I started seeing a councelor who told me I was being abused so I stopped taking his abuse he got mad divorced me and I found my self and found my smile again.Four years later I met Mr.Right he cooks cleans changes diapers and works fulltime and I stay home and take care of our 1 yr old and he always uplifts me plus we go to counceling once a week to make sure we are communicating well and Iam very happy and we now have another child on the way because he is such a Mr. mom I wanted to give him kids.If someone really loves and respects you they value you as a human being obviously someone has his ideals all out of order.You are a very valuable person dont forget it just because he has issues within himself.(You Go Girl!!!)
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#19 of 20 Old 09-28-2005, 05:11 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by choli
It was unusual for white, middle class wives and mothers to work outside the home 50 years ago. However, for most other women, working outside the home was the norm just as it is now.

The good old days weren't. Try reading "The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap" by Stephanie Coontz to bust a few of those myths.
I had to read this book for a history class in college. It was a good read!

Mama to my spirited J, and L, my homebirth: baby especially DTaP, MMR (family vax injuries)
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#20 of 20 Old 09-28-2005, 10:42 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Jasmyn's Mum
He makes good $$ and tells me that I shoulkd get a job on the weekends pumping gas or whatever else I can do to contribute to the family. I guess I'm not contributing??
:
It is a shame that he can not appreciate your contribution and be proud of himself for supporting the family . Does he spend any time alone with the babe? That would go a long way to show "what you do all day", lol. Childcare and homecare are major work, and, if he doesn't appreciate that, it is probably because he doesn't ever *do* that work!

Personally, I do have a part-time job (I teach 6 hours a week--two evenings when dh is home). I've found it to be helpful for all of us: a bit of extra $$ without dh working extra hours, a bit of "adult" time for me (makes me a better mama), a bit of "daddy and dd" time (makes dh a better dad, and a more appreciative husband! LOL!). So, I am not actually against the idea of getting a pt job. It can be win/win! But that is not really the point in your situation. Ironically, however, it might be a good solution--find a very pt job that you love, and leave dd with dh for that time. And make sure that he knows he has to keep up the housekeeping while you are gone!
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