SAHMing and dealing with live-in mother - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 10-10-2005, 10:58 AM - Thread Starter
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My mother moved in with us 9 months ago because of her fianancial and health situations. We did a remodel and addition to the house to create "her area", which consists of a bedroom and a study/tv room. Originally I was going back to work and she would watch dd (almost 4) when she is not in school. (Dd goes to full-time language immersion preschool). It turned out that I hated being back at my old job and I want to have school breaks off to be with dd. So I quit.

Now the problem is that I am home full-time and my mom is here, too. We have a good relationship, in general, and although we have our moments, we get along. But we are together SOOOOO much, I can feel myself beginning to just want to get away from her sometimes. Sometimes I just go upstairs to my bedroom and read or write or watch TV but when I do that she makes comments about it... making me feel like I'm giving her the cold shoulder or something (when really I just want some time to myself!) I do go grocery shopping by myself to get away, go to the library, things like that, but I know as the days get shorter and colder I'm going to feel overwhelmed about being with her so much. Do any of you have ideas about things I can do to get out of the house or ideas about what a senior citizen might do so I can get HER out of the house (with subtle suggestions of course )? Because we take dd to and from school (a 45 minute commute both ways), we only have about 5 hours during the day to do something. Any ideas? If not, then thanks for at least letting me vent about this a little.
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#2 of 5 Old 10-10-2005, 11:04 AM
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First, I want to say i cvan see where this can get sticky.

How old is your mom? Does she go to church? There are oftentimes activities for retired folks.

My mom does not live with me per se, but she does come and visit for up to 6 weeks at a time. We do not get on each others nerves though. However, i love to read, and oftentimes go up to my room and read while she watches TV downstairs, or she herself reads. I will run errands by myself. The only thing is, she isnt giving me lip about it, no "subtle" hints.

She lives with my brother and goes to her room and watches TV, and if my brother is on the computer, or working on his car, she doesnt say anything.

Just because you live together does not mean that you have to spend every waking moment together.

Encourage her to go to the library, a book club, anything that will get her out of the house and with her own interests.

Good luck.
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#3 of 5 Old 10-10-2005, 11:29 AM - Thread Starter
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Thanks for your quick reply sweetbaby! You're right that it can get sticky, and that's what I am trying to prevent. My mom (who is 64 years old, but not in great health from 40 years of smoking) is my best friend, but I can see that we really need our time apart. I think she NEEDS to be with me more than I need to be with her. She's not social, doesn't go to church and family has always been her life. I'm basically just trying to figure out subtle ways of getting her to see that she needs to be out of the house for her own mental health and for mine too. I don't think she sees that. Sometimes I just want my house back to myself. To run naked through it (which I would never do) or blare music (which I used to do often). One thing that I always loved to do in the fall was on cold rainy days, brew some coffee, open all the windows, snuggle under a blanket and let the house get cold. She'll never let me do that. I feel 12 years old again, sometimes.
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#4 of 5 Old 10-10-2005, 11:39 AM
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My grandmother is living with my Aunt in a fairly large city.
They do not get along all that well, but the location is the best for my grandmother's health...
She attends church and jewelery making classes weekly.
She also has an assistant/friend come and take her out places--the mall, food store, etc.
And she also goes to the pool to do her physical therapy exercises nearly every day.

I think that keeps them both sane.

I would take a look at the classes offered at the closest community college (or regular college/university)--they usually offer non-credit public courses. Fun stuff like beading, sewing, ethnic cooking, herbs, book discussions, basic computer skills, etc.

We also have an agency for the aging here that puts out a list of social activities. I'm guessing most places must have something similar?

If it looks like something she is interested in would be a time conflict, you might be able to find an assistant type set up like my grandmother has--it has really allowed her so much more freedom

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#5 of 5 Old 10-10-2005, 01:11 PM
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Been there, done that. I have lived with MIL and FIL a couple times (we just moved out of there recently after living there for a year) It was hard because she was a total slop and I'm not. But we made it work out, she had her side of the sink, I had mine. So if her side filled up with dishes that's her business because I would always do mine. We each paid our own share of the bills and bought/cooked our own meals.

I would have to tell her when to do chores though, we had an understanding that the bathroom and upper floor was my job to keep clean and the kitchen (besided any messes I made) and living room was her job. She would literally go weeks without cleaning and I would have to get on her about it, one of the biggest reasons we moved is that I couldn't take it anymore.

I spent a lot of time in my bedroom which had a TV and computer in it, so I didn't really have to see her that often. I think we get along better living apart.

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