What are the expectations you have for SAHM'ng? - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-12-2005, 12:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am SAHM, and was wondering what expectations you and DH have as far as roles and responsibilities.

What does DH expect of you as a SAHM.

Admittedly - my job of SAHM has mainly been taking care of DS and keeping up with laundry and dishes. I am a terrible housekeeper and our house is ALWAYS a mess.

Dani, wife to Cullen - 9/2002, mom to CJ 11/2004, Billy 12/2007 and Nora 7/2009
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Old 10-12-2005, 03:16 PM
 
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My Dh expects me to care for our Dd when he's away. He doesn't expect me to do all of it when he's home.

I don't think he expects much else. I've always had a much lower tolerance for dirt and clutter than he does, so for all the years before I was at home, he had to do a lot more cleaning than he would have done if it were his choice. I don't think he expects me to cook and clean as much as I do.

I'm not sure if that's answering your question, though.
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Old 10-12-2005, 03:23 PM
 
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To take care of dc and for the house to be no worse off when he comes home than when he left (which means I pick up/clean the messes and dishes etc that me and dc create). He won't expect the house to be cleaner than when he left. Cleaning is the repsonsibility of the entire family - we do it together on Sundays. I don't think he expects dinner, though I imagine I will have it ready at least half the time (just because I'm home). The other half the time I'll wait for him to get home and we'll do our usual "what do you want for dinner" "I don't know, what do you want for dinner" until it is 7 and we are starving and in the kitchen cooking together.
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Old 10-12-2005, 03:56 PM
 
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We never sat down and made rules about it, but I'd say that he expects me to do laundry, dishes, and most of the grocery shopping. I do all the cleaning, organizing, and yard work also, but really by default because he doesn't care whether it gets done or not. When we're both home we share meal-making and childcare. I expect him to do all the "dirty" work: garbage, car maintenance, and most home improvement or home maintenance stuff. For instance, he set up our water filtration system, fixed our dishwasher, fixed our dryer, put in our kitchen linoleum, got our dead car running again, moves heavy furniture every time I want to rearrange the house :LOL, got our well pump running, found the dead mouse in the wall and cleaned it all up (ick), etc.
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Old 10-12-2005, 04:01 PM
 
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My husband expects me to take care of the kids, pretty much that is it! Now, I expect alot of myself. I expect to shop for groceries, cook wholesome meals and snacks, keep the house in working order, cloth diaper because it means alot to me to do so, keep up with laundry and probably a few other things. I am also the one who does the main job of researching discipline methods (ie: teaching myself and my husband the gentle discipline techniques I learn and keeping him updated on how do keep our cool with them on bad days)- my husband also expects I will keep him informed on this front, as well and does not do this himself. I am the main disciplinarian in the house, I think!

I think I expect more of myself than my husband actually expects of me. He doesn't care if the house gets messy as long as I don't blame it on him. He doesn't mind helping me as long as I ask him for help and don't yell at him that he ISN'T helping. If I can't or am too tired to cook one night, he is perectly fine in picking up a pizza on the way home or if I need a break (and say so to him) he is perfectly fine taking the kids to the park or putting them to bed one night while I go out.

I never really thought about it before but now that I think about it, I am glad he doesn't expect me to be a supermom and is happy as long as I am happy and the kids are happy!

As for expectations I have of him- I expect him to clean the litter box (I feed our cat), take out the trash, do anything car related and he fixes things and does does the massive cleaning (such as organizing the laundry/storage room). He is also the barf man and while I have no problem cleaning poo, I HATE vomit, so he deals with vomiting children. I have a wonderful hubby!

Married, part time work from home mom to DS (13 and homeschooling), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9) and a giant dopey newfoundland, a crazy border collie mix, 3 black cats and a cute rat.
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Old 10-12-2005, 04:14 PM
 
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Cool - I just found this forum.

We have been having this discussion lately. My DH expects me to take care of everything regarding the house and kids. All he does is mow the lawn and occasional help with housework. He works until 8-9pm most days and the kids are usually in bed when he comes home.

My expectations for myself are high and I rarely live up to them. Sometimes life just gets to me and I feel very isolated and lonely. Lately I just can't seem to get motivated.

Christi
DS1(12), DD(7)blessed with T21, DS2(2), and DD2 - newly arrived 1/28/11
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Old 10-12-2005, 04:33 PM
 
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Interesting thread!

I am not a SAHM yet (babe is due next spring), but I can't wait . . . the one thing that is causing me some concern is the division of labor in the household.

Currently DH works 40 hours a week, and I am lucky if I get 15 (I am a massage therapist and on-call, so my days change at the drop of a hat and I never know when/how much I will be working). We are pretty fair about splitting MOST of the housework . . . we do a once-over every week before our weekly poker night, and do laundry weekly as well. DH tends to do the laundry a bit more frequently than I do, especially now that I am pregnant (he's a little overprotective about heavy lifting and stairs!). He is just as likely as I am to do the vacuuming--I do it if I have a slow day, but if I have clients in the evening he will take care of it after he gets home from work.

Kitchen duty is all me--although DH can cook, he doesn't, and after making dinner I get stuck with the dishes (by hand). I don't mind the cooking so much (I love to putter in the kitchen), although sometimes I get aggravated about having to do ALL the kitchen work--cooking, clean-up, dishes, grocery shopping, etc. Still, DH was raised in a family where his mom did EVERYTHING around the house, and I am lucky that he is as self-sufficient as he is.

I'm not sure how things will change when the baby comes--I would like to think that I will be able to keep up with the housework and the cooking, but I'm also aware that I may be completely overwhelmed with childcare. And I am CERTAINLY planning on having help during the first few months--DH will do what he can, especially during his paternity leave, and I will be asking my mom and MIL for occasional visits/housework help. (First grandchild on both sides, so I'm sure they will be over all the time anyway!)
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Old 10-12-2005, 09:29 PM
 
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I'm staying out of this one :LOL

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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Old 10-13-2005, 03:05 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Sharlla
I'm staying out of this one :LOL
me too!

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 10-13-2005, 03:20 AM
 
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me three
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Old 10-13-2005, 04:13 AM
 
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DH basically just expects me to take care of DD while he is working. He takes care of a lot of the chores, the bill-paying, blah blah blah...it's kind of annoying that he wants to take care of everything, actually. I don't know how it ended up like this. I am definitely the primary caregiver to DD but things are a lot more equal than in most families I know...he spends tons of time with her, but she is EBF and doesn't take a bottle, so they can't go far without me! :LOL

He has been telecommuting most of the time for the past 2 years so that has made it a lot easier for him to do all of this...we are both kind of SAH! But soon he will start a new position (same university) where he will have to work regular hours, in an office. So expectations may change.

My expectation of myself, going forward, is to provide DD the kind of environment and experiences that she needs and enjoys, number one. A (distant...distant...HALLOOOOO OUT THERE distant) number 2 is to keep the house clean, do laundry, take care of the cats, grocery shop, etc. etc.

I am a terrible housekeeper and I have tried Flylady and Cleanhome and nothing works. Luckily DH is not concerned. It is a good arrangement all around; we'll see how it works when he is WOH full-time.
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Old 10-13-2005, 04:19 AM
 
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I'm saving this thread and making my DH read it tomorrow when he gets home from work... :
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Old 10-13-2005, 09:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Sitara
I'm saving this thread and making my DH read it tomorrow when he gets home from work... :


good luck!

Dani, wife to Cullen - 9/2002, mom to CJ 11/2004, Billy 12/2007 and Nora 7/2009
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Old 10-13-2005, 10:11 AM
 
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Beyond the assigning of the chores, this is a fundamentally interesting question. I need to think about this for a little while. I guess I am reading the question as "what are your goals and/or reasons for SAHMing". Maybe that's a totally different question.

Let me wrap my brain around it.

As far as what I do vs, what dh does. I am very lucky. I have a husbandf who thinks that my job is watching the kids and tending to their physical and spiritual well being during the day. The house, meals etc. are both of our responsibility although I don't mind doing laundry and I LOVE to cook so I do that. Zach organizes our stuff, deals with garbage and recycling, feeds the dogs, chops and stacks the firewood, makes the fires, tends the yard with me, and does myriad other things that makes it a great partnership. We are in this together.

Cheers!
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Old 10-13-2005, 10:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not looking for your personal goals... more I am interested in what DH expects I guess.

Dani, wife to Cullen - 9/2002, mom to CJ 11/2004, Billy 12/2007 and Nora 7/2009
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Old 10-17-2005, 06:54 PM
 
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New SAHM here!! Here are my "expectations" of myself & also what DH expects as well...HTH:

-Take care of our baby (I EBF so that takes a lot of my time)
-Keep the house clean & in order
-Keep up with laundry
-Run the general household errands inc. shopping
-Organize the bills & have them ready timely (my DH signs the checks)
-Clean litterbox (we have 1 cat & DH feeds him most of the time)
-Schudule appointments, ect..
-I don't cook often but I do buy organic (my DH doesn't even eat dinner during the week so I am lucky I am not expected to "put dinner on the table")
-Please my man! Can I put this here?!? Hee!
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Old 10-18-2005, 12:39 AM
 
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It bothers me to even type 'DH expects me to' - it just sounds so weird. Obviously he does expect things of me, but saying it that way sounds more like he's my boss and that is so not the case. Being a SAHM is a self-assigned role, so it seems just as weird for me to say that he expects anything. Maybe part of that is that I am such a up and down person, its really pointless to 'expect' anything of me. Obviously I take care of the kids. But the rest just depends on my level of energy and how much the kids let me do.

Of course I have a wonderful DH who will take the kids at the end of the day and make dinner and wash the dishes, put the kids to bed, etc. Overall we pretty much split the responsibilities between us when he's home and I try to do as much as possible when he's not.

Mightymoo - Mom to DD (6) and DS (4)
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