SAHM's, do you think it is reasonable to expect your SO to stay home from work - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-26-2005, 01:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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if you are ill or, not?

My dh never ever does this unless, HE is sick. Just wondering how you felt about the issue.
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Old 11-26-2005, 01:56 PM
 
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Well, both my boys and I have fevers and are sick and I told my dh he'd better stay home friday.

Honestly speaking though, without going into details, it's hardly *that* much help to have him around. It does give me a little break though when the baby is crying and I feel like I've been put through the mincer.
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Old 11-26-2005, 01:58 PM
 
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I think it would depend on his job, and the nature of my illness. For us, it would mean lost income. So, if I only have a cold or virus, but am still able to function, I wouldn't want him to stay home. If it was serious enought that I required help with my DD3, then I would want him to stay home.
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Old 11-26-2005, 02:01 PM
 
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My husband goes into work even when he's sick, so he's definitely not staying home when I'm sick. I had Mono when our first DD was a year old and my mother and my aunt took turns taking care of me and my baby. It was frustrating to rely on people outside of the home. My mother works too, but she took time off of work!

That said, my husband also went to work hours after my deliveries. :
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Old 11-26-2005, 02:01 PM
 
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Yes, if I ask him to, he will take a day off if I need him to.
His company is very family oriented, and flexible. It is one of the reasons he still works there He is very underpaid, but the benefits are amazing.

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Old 11-26-2005, 02:01 PM
 
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Depends. If I'm feeling crappy but functional, I just loosen our TV restrictions and we watch Muppet Show DVDs and keep it lowkey all day, and he knows that's NOT a good time to work late.

If I'm sick-can't-move, he's salaried and has enough time accrued that staying home for a day or two would be a good thing.
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Old 11-26-2005, 02:12 PM
 
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My husband won't for a cold- he even didn't when we all had a puking flu, but he did take time off for a scheduled medical procedure and when I had to go to the emergancy room. My husband gets five sick days and they can be used for both if he is sick or caring for sick imidiate family so I get frusterated that I have to throw down to get him to stay home.

I second that person who said that he isn't much help...that is true for me too. He tends to still need me to tell him everything to do.

Add "no days off for illness" to my list of gripes about this job! I still love it mind you but man is it work.
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Old 11-26-2005, 04:16 PM
 
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Depends on how sick I am. If I am not capable of taking care of the kids, then yes, he has to stay home, because SOMEONE has to take care of the kids.

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Old 11-26-2005, 08:49 PM
 
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My dh hardly ever gets sick. I can only remember one time in 13 years when he missed work for being sick. SOooo, bc of that, he has little sympathy for others when they're sick (including me).
He did stay home a few days when I was pregnant w/ dd #2 and I was puking and very sick.
His job also is very stressful and he doesn't just get to have a day off--- he has to make up all the work that he missed doing so he usually works at night to make up for it.
I think it's completely reasonable to expect your dh to stay home when you're sick.
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Old 11-26-2005, 09:02 PM
 
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Yes I do think it is reasonable.

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Old 11-26-2005, 09:17 PM
 
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I think it's reasonable if you're as sick as he would be if he was so sick he stayed home from work. (Gee, can we make the sentence more complicated? )

The last time my husband stayed home from work for my illness, I had injured my back so badly I could not walk, had a 3 yr old and 6 mo. old. It would've been unsafe to leave the children alone with me. It was terrifying for me not to be able to take care of my children. Luckily I made a quick recovery. I think he only missed 3 days of work.
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Old 11-26-2005, 09:44 PM
 
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I agree that it depends on the nature of dh's job and how sick you are. I have friends whose dh's simply can't afford to take more days off than they are given.

My dh, on the other hand, has a pretty flexible schedule. It's not at all a problem for him to take time off when he needs to. In our situation, I do find it reasonable to expect him to take days off when I'm sick, and he does it. He can also come home early if I need him to. I would expect anyone in such a situation to take time off if their partner were sick.
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Old 11-26-2005, 11:18 PM
 
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I think it reasonable to want them to stay home, although i agree, sometimes they just get in the way.
Recently i had a really bad case of food poisoning, i was dying all day, i let my ds3yrs old watch tv all day,i couldn't get away from the toilet i had to bf my 3month old dd on the toilet, i finally rang him to come home, it then took him 2hrs to get here and then when he did he began getting sick, so off he trotted to bed, "because he was ill", i wanted to scream...it took me 3 days to recover and he was no help.


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Old 11-26-2005, 11:27 PM
 
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yes, my dh will stay home if I ask him too. But I only do that if I have a fever or cannot get out of bed. I think it is totally resonable if you are truley very sick to have them stay home and take care of the kids. I do alot of things that NEED to get done all day, it's not like I just sit on the couch!
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Old 11-26-2005, 11:31 PM
 
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He will generally stay home if I ask him to, but I only ask when I'm REALLY not feeling well and know I can't take care of the kids well.
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Old 11-26-2005, 11:35 PM
 
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DH has a really great union, and gets a ton of sick days, personal days, and "family illness" days, and none of them roll over to the next year and none of them can be cashed in. He himself rarely gets sick, so I wouldn't hesitate to ask him to take a day off if I really needed help. I have in the past, when I've been sick or when DD is particularly ornery. If it was gonna mean trouble for him at work, or if it meant a loss of income, I wouldn't ask unless I was at death's door, but fortunately that's not the case for us. We even occasionally take what we call "mental health" days.

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Old 11-26-2005, 11:48 PM
 
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I sometimes wish i could get my DH to stay home when im sick but unfortunately that is an elusive dream now mind you i wouldnt want him to stay home if i just had a cold or minor illness but when it is major its really hard because i know he has liberal leave at his work but the last time he took off for me i was in the hospital having surgery . I think its reasonable to ask DH to take a sick day for me even though i know that i am probably not going to get it .
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Old 11-26-2005, 11:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so it can be a little more clear...what constitutes as a major illness in your oponion? I am asking everyone.
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Old 11-26-2005, 11:56 PM
 
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i sure do! i've been wanting to ask this question...but about when a baby is sick and you have an/other child/ren. i have 11 month old twins, so when one is sick, the other still needs me so much. i feel like i need back-up in case one's needs get severe. i also think he should stay home if i'm sick, but i haven't been REALLY sick yet, so.......
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Old 11-27-2005, 12:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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mama. I have been there! my twins are 5 now. When they get sick, it doesn't get any easier this age. I need back up often but rarely get it.
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Old 11-27-2005, 12:36 AM
 
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I agree that it depends on the nature of the ilness and the day that you are working.
I was on bedrest for the last three weeks of my pregnancy with my second son... ds1 was newly 2. I have no help outside our home... no family nearby. But my partner had to keep working up to the end for money reasons.
It is awful when you have the flu and have to keep busy young ones entertained somehow. My partner has been known to take a day off here or there for those times. As well as when both kids are sick... or after one of those nights where we are at the hospital multiple times. We can also tell when my one son is ready for his bad day of full on asthma. I don't drive, and the hospital is a 20 min drive away. I have had to find my way to the hospital with my two boys (and take care of my 2 year old while trying to stay at my 4 year olds bedside) That was awful. Or if we have been admitted, my partner will take the next day off to keep the other child with him. He has taken quite a handful of days of previously for this. We don't have any help... and I could probably do it myself... but It takes so much stress off of me to have my partner there.

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Old 11-27-2005, 12:45 AM
 
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My dh has stayed home before when I was sick & it makes me feel guilty. In all the years I've known him he's stayed home only once himself.
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Old 11-27-2005, 12:48 AM
 
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I think they should if they can. Having been the bread winner for a while, I have been in the situation where there was a very important meeting or project due. You kind of cross your fingers and hope for the best, hoping what you choose will benefit the ones you love. And you won't get fired, or lose the end-of-year bonus that pays off your credit card.

I would hope to trust my partner enough to be able to discern whether missing work would impact our lives in a stressful way.

When i was working I tried very hard to understand which was which.

I think my dh does the same. That said-- I have no reason to distrust his motives. He's always tried his best to care for us when i was not working. (and i did the same when he was not).

This is a tough one. Sometimes bosses suck really bad, and often companies do not care that there are actual humans involved in crazy working hours.

It comes down to whether I believe my partner cares for me, and/or our kids. Can he come home early? Can he check in with us at lunch? Can he go in a bit later? Will he call a relative to pick up some groceries for me?

If i believe he cares wherher i can manage, I would prob cut him slack. If, perhaps, my experiences have shown me he disrespects my needs , I would not cut him any slack at all. It simply depends on his basic character as a human being.

Only a partner can answer that. Does he want to help me get through a tought time, or does he want me to suffer?
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Old 11-27-2005, 01:00 AM
 
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It is nice to want them home but this isn't always financially possible.
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Old 11-27-2005, 05:41 AM
 
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I only ask my dh to stay home if *I* am sick and that means at least partially incapacitated and unable to care for my brood. (Such as when I have a raging fever and body aches or that time I had mastitis so bad I couldn't even get out of bed)
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Old 11-28-2005, 04:27 AM
 
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DH has stayed home from work once but the truth is I rarely get sick and when I do it's never been so bad that I couldn't care for my kids. I have in the past asked my MIL to take DS1 for me. We can't afford it if he had to take a day off. Thats a lot of money to lose but if he had sick leave then I wouldn't see that the big deal would be.

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Old 11-28-2005, 05:25 AM
 
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If I'm puking repeatedly or have a migraine (both very incapacitating for me), it's not so much that I ask dh to stay home as that I make him responsible for ds' care. His work has a respite care program that ds can spend the day at on short notice, and our gym often has last-minute slots if there's an important meeting he needs to go in for, and we have friends that can help out in a true emergency (like when I went to the ER with a suspected ectopic).

So. I dump the problem in his lap, go into the bedroom, and close the door (or I'm at the hospital). Usually he chooses to stay home, since he can do work while ds sleeps and plays and he is comfortable with ds' care routine (it wasn't always that way, he had to learn while I was busy puking). I feel no iota of guilt about this. SAHMing is a full-time job and I deserve sick days too.
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Old 11-28-2005, 09:41 AM
 
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Mine insists...he has generous sick pay though that can be used if any family member is sick or goes to a dr. appt...

Not that it's always totally 100 percent helpful, but he wants to be here if I really need the help. Dizzy, Lightheaded feelings and carrying a baby don't mix, so he'd encourage me to stay in bed!

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Old 11-28-2005, 07:24 PM
 
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i think it's entirely reasonable if you are so sick you can't care for the kids properly especially if your dh can get the time off. i'd love to know what it's like to be sick and have someone help around the house myself :

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Old 11-28-2005, 11:37 PM
 
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My DH used to think I was soooo lucky to stay at home. And, although I know it's a privledge, it gets very hard on days. I told him I wanted to go back to school, get my career, so he could stay home with the kids. I did this only for a short time and he was waving the surrender flag at me. Honestly, I think it's harder to stay home than to work. I only did it because I knew it was best for our family.
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