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Does Dh help?

4K views 84 replies 55 participants last post by  Rmeg 
#1 ·
does your dh help you with the kid(s) after he gets home from work?

Just curious as mine doesnt and when i mention it to my sahm friends they say that its a load of BS. however my son naps for 6 hrs a day (3 2hr naps) and i get a break when he naps so *I* dont feel its unreasonable for my dh to be able to rest and relax when he gets home as he only has a 30 min lunch at work.

Thank you
 
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#52 ·
When he's working I don't expect him to help a whole lot. I know he's tired, works long hours and I don't think it would be fair to ask him to get off work and start working a second job at home too. But then again I have explained to him that I never get any breaks, I don't get weekends off, I don't even have a set time of day that my work is done because even when she goes to bed I end up cleaning or doing something work-wise. I deserve a break too. If I'm sick or something then I do expect him to help a little, after all he's her father too and I can't do it completely alone. I would say he probably changed a couple diapers a week when he was working, and maybe watched her for an hour a week so I could take a bath or do something alone. He also spends time playing with her or reading to her.

When he's laid off like he is right now I expect everything to be 50/50. When he's working I only ask that he take out the garbage and take care of things outside as far as the chores go. But now he folds the laundry, I wash and dry it. I load the dishwasher and he unloads it etc. We both take care of dd, he even gets up with her and lets me sleep in sometimes. It's nice actually, in a way it gives me a bit of a break but then again there is more to do with an extra person in the house, more messes to clean up, more food to cook.

Anyhow, that's how we have arranged it.
 
#53 ·
Yes, he's pretty good about helping with dd. My only complaint in that area is that he'll play with her for awhile & then when he's tired of it just sort of ignores her. Not really ignore mind you, just not really engage with her. She whines & fusses for attention & still he ignores it. Drives me crazy. Especailly if I'm trying to do something else like cook or go to the bathroom. He thinks I should just be able to ignore it too & enjoy whatever I'm doing anyway.
I say it's not help if she's running to me for attention because he can't be bothered.

He VERY occasionally cooks, but usually I choose to cook because he doesn't clean up and it's more work to clean up after him usually than it is to just cook/clean myself.

He will help with household stuff if I ask. Otherwise not really. He has been scooping the litter lately because I've been asking him to. He'll change over the laundry, but won't usually fold or put it away.

Honestly, I'd be happy if he'd help with the outside stuff without having to be nagged. I ended up shoveling the sidewalk yesterday.
: That's not really one of my "usual" chores.

Overall though he's OK. Definitly more help than some other DH's are. It helps that he will usually do stuff if I ask him.

Holly
 
#54 ·
from mamawanabe:
So the reason to have the dh more involed in the housecare and childcare is NOT so that "it is fair," but because it is SO important for children to see (boys especially) men involved in the work of childcare and housekeeping.

from sarah_bella1050
My dh and his brothers are living proof that this actually works. They grew up with a dad who was an excellent rolemodel and taught them that a mans work does not end when you comes home from your paying job. He always split the house work at least 50/50 and took pride in doing extra so that his wife could take a break. My dh can't understand men who come home and sit on the couch with a beer. He thinks that they are lazy and sloth like, he actually gets kind of upset when he sees that. I believe that it is so important for children (especially boys) to see this sort of thing on a daily basis, they really do learn by example.

Oh, so agree w/both the above quotes. My husband does not "help" me. My husband is an active participant in the care of his own home and the rearing of his own son. Good grief. And frankly it upsets me greatly to hear, even here on MDC, that people think it's OK to just let mothers do all the housework & childcare and anything the fathers do is "help" aka "optional." My (future) daughters are going to have to find partners eventually and it discourages me that even outside the mainstream, their potential mates are being raised to view them as nothing but caretakers!

(Assuming they are het, which I don't know of course, disclaimer done
.)
 
#55 ·
Even considering the wide variety of responses here, my situation seems a little weird-- my dh is TOO involved with housework, but almost uninvolved with parenting.

Right now I am a SAHM, but even when I was also working ft, everything relating to parenting has always been "mine"-- unless I specifically asked dh for help.

We always have both contributed to house/yard work and cooking. Dh's mom is the queen of PineSol and Pledge, so he has high standards for housework! This is an issue in our house, because dh thinks my standards aren't high enough. I'll admit that I'm no Donna Reed-- I'm the type to go have fun with the kids and clean up later.

He's the type to refuse to join in the fun. Instead he'll either go do his own (fun) activity while muttering about what a wreck the house is, or he'll start the housework himself, glowering until I'm guilted into starting cleaning too.

My dh works hard, and I appreciate that. Maybe he does do more than his fair share (he thinks so). But HE helps around the house when HE feels like it, without having to deal with the kids. I'm trying to nurse, entertain, supervise, homeschool, chauffeur, run errands, AND keep the house clean!

What really makes me sad is that he seems to value taking good care of the house higher than taking good care of our boys. Sigh.
 
#56 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by SneakyPie
from mamawanabe:
So the reason to have the dh more involed in the housecare and childcare is NOT so that "it is fair," but because it is SO important for children to see (boys especially) men involved in the work of childcare and housekeeping.

from sarah_bella1050
My dh and his brothers are living proof that this actually works. They grew up with a dad who was an excellent rolemodel and taught them that a mans work does not end when you comes home from your paying job. He always split the house work at least 50/50 and took pride in doing extra so that his wife could take a break. My dh can't understand men who come home and sit on the couch with a beer. He thinks that they are lazy and sloth like, he actually gets kind of upset when he sees that. I believe that it is so important for children (especially boys) to see this sort of thing on a daily basis, they really do learn by example.

Oh, so agree w/both the above quotes. My husband does not "help" me. My husband is an active participant in the care of his own home and the rearing of his own son. Good grief. And frankly it upsets me greatly to hear, even here on MDC, that people think it's OK to just let mothers do all the housework & childcare and anything the fathers do is "help" aka "optional." My (future) daughters are going to have to find partners eventually and it discourages me that even outside the mainstream, their potential mates are being raised to view them as nothing but caretakers!

(Assuming they are het, which I don't know of course, disclaimer done
.)

If your husband works outside of the home then he is not a full time active participant, call it what you want but he is pitching in part-time while you do it full-time. It doesn't have to be the woman who does this. I think it's whoever is best suited for the job. My brother in law stays at home with the kids while my sister in law works. I think as long as she's working that he should be responsible for the majority of the work at home. It's unfair to ask her to come home and take over and do everything after she just got off work. After all, she doesn't ask him to go to her work and do her job. This is not a sexist thing, it's about fairness. I am not talking about the working parent spending quality time with their child either, that is not work. I'm talking about household chores etc.
 
#57 ·
The original question was about caring for children. And with nighttime parenting being what it is around here and counted in, both parents in this house can (and do) EASILY work "full-time" at caring for children. As for the condescending comment "Call it what you want" after which you then go on to call my life what YOU want to call it (not your right) -- I guess you don't have to believe that a family can include both parents doing equivalent childrearing (which, for us, is in fact work) even when one works for income more hours than the other does. But that is what happens at our house and we agree that it works well for our family.
 
#58 ·
"The original question was about caring for children."

then why did you bring up house work here:

"And frankly it upsets me greatly to hear, even here on MDC, that people think it's OK to just let mothers do all the housework & childcare and anything the fathers do is "help"

To me that was condescending, you basically implied that I (and others) are being sexist when that's not the case at all. Nobody said that the woman has to be the one to stay at home. Many men are wonderful stay at home parents.

Finally, the only way I can see both parents doing "equivalent childrearing" is if they have a situation like a previous poster mentioned where one parent works a night shift and the other works the day shift so they are both getting equal time with the child. That's not usually the case and it doesn't sound like yours. If one person is working 8-12 hours per day and the other person is at home 24/7 that only leaves a few hours for the working person to take care of the children and house cleaning.
 
#59 ·
Yep, my DH stayed at home for 2 years and loved it. I will be going back to work again probably when the baby is older and DH will be at home again. Now while he stayed home I did the majority of the house work still. He kept it tidy, but I was still the one to do the dishes, and maintenance cleaing. I like doing housework and like things tidy, where as he couldn't care less. But he played a more active roll in the childcare. I worked nights and slept during the day. Many times in the afternoons I did errands ect. If you work 10 hours + and you sleep for 8, that really doesn't leave much time for anything else.
 
#60 ·
DH comes home from work and is "on" with dd and ds2...and ds1, for that matter (he's 12, so it's a bit different). He changes diapers, takes dd for her nap, checks in on ds1's homework/chores, holds ds2...whatever. I make dinner, do most of the laundry (during the day - makes sense to me) and most of the general cleaning. DH is legally blind and can't see the dirt on the floor, counter, etc.

If I'm having a bad day, or have too much to do (Christmas stuff, for example), dh will jump in and make dinner. He couldn't cook when he moved in with me, but I was working and he wasn't, so he did everything. He's become quite a talented chef.

I don't think there's anything, except cleaning (floors, windows, mirrors, toilets, stove, etc.) that he doesn't do, and he only misses that because of his eyesight.

I think he works harder than I do, to be honest. But, he also gets his naps most evenings. He gets up early for work, so I like to make sure he gets enough sleep, especially as he cycles to work. I don't like to think of him biking along and getting hit by a car because he was too tired to be aware of what's going on around him...
 
#61 ·
No, not really at all and to be honest I am planning on leaving after our trip to his familys for x mas I already have my ticket and I hate the fact that he totally represented himself as a capable father then never came through. I will not raise my dd around someone who doesnt seem too notice if shes there or not. I am bitter and I am leaving in the night or while hes at work because he will not want me to go. I have to for my own sanity. Raising children should be a time in you lives that you can enjoying and sometimes not so much anjoy togrther
 
#62 ·
I wouldn't say he "helps." I'd say he does his share. He spend a lot of alone time with our Dd when he's off work, gives me time to myself, and does his share of the household duties. Our feeling has always been that when he comes home, then it's time for me to get a break.
 
#63 ·
Not unless I ask him for help. Sometimes I find it so frustrating that I have to ask him to give me a hand with the kids. On the other hand, he works so hard and such long hours that I feel that I should maybe just "suck it up". I hope to be able to find a better balance after I start doing childcare in my home. That way, I'll be able to help with finances and my hubby won't have to work so hard.
 
#64 ·
My dh doesn't cook, bathe or put them to bed, but he does play with them a ton when he comes home and that is sure a help to me as it frees me up to do the things I cannot do when he isn't here.

He really enjoys spending time with them. I cannot fathom a father who doesn't help out some.
 
#65 ·
THis reminds me of a Simpsons episode. Marge is leaving the house and Homer says, "I can't take care of the kids. I'm the father."

I understand your frustration. My dh helps w/ the kids, but he doesn't do much else--- I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. I'd have a heart to heart and use a counselor if necessary.
 
#66 ·
Does anyone else find that a spouse who is an active parent is not always so active at "helping" with chores? I don't expect him to walk through the door and wash dishes, like I do expect him to walk through the door and be a parent. But I do want him to pitch in sometimes. I do most of the household work because I'm here and frankly I'm just a neater person, but it's a neverending process and often impossible to get done when I'm alone with two kids, so I don't think it's fair that I have to do 100% of it. The longer I'm a Sahm, the more we seem to fall into this rut, and I find it very frustrating. He cooks, but probably hasn't done a load of laundry in years. It bugs me that he can't just, on a weekend, see that it's full and DO IT.
 
#67 ·
I guess it just depends on how your system works. For us the housework is my *job* while his job is working out of the home. But if it's set up that he has to do housework then he should certainly take more initiative to do it. Now if I asked him to do something (usually carry stuff or get me something) he will do it, but I never ask him to do housework, usually it's don't by the time he gets home anyway, and dinner clean up doesn't take that long.

It seems that if I had him doing housework, it would be more of a power struggle thing (I'm not your maid, so you are going to start doing stuff around here ect.) than an actual *need* for help. I gave up that power struggle thing long ago, I don't need help, and I'm not going to make my life miserable trying to fight for something that I don't care about.

He always thanks me for what I do. He tells me that he appriciates me when he hears that I'm up at 4 AM with a fussy baby. I get a kiss and a "I love you, thanks" when I serve him dinner. That's all I need. Maybe the fact that I don't feel taken advantage of, is why it's such a non issue for me.
 
#68 ·
My kids are older now so him "helping with the kids" isn't really needed. But when they were younger he did come home and help with various stuff and play with them. It's part of parenthood.


I never have thought that my Dh should have to come home and clean the house or cook a big meal after working all day. I try to have something ready to heat up in the microwave for him to eat and we just hang out together unless we have somewhere to go that night.
 
#69 ·
I guess I see it differently. I stay home to take care of my kids, not to be a housekeeper. Sure, a large part of it is part and parcel with being a SAHM, but I do plenty and expend a great deal of energy keeping the house clean and tidy, picked up, doing laundry, changing sheets weekly, running errands, keeping track of things, paying bills on time, shopping for inexpensive clothes, etc. etc. But I just don't have time to do ALL the heavy duty cleaning while caring for two kids under three and getting breaks so I don't go crazy. Maybe it's because I work from home very part-time, but there are many long stretches where I don't and feel the same way. I share the surprise a pp did on an earlier page, that so many people claim that all housework is their job. It's just so endless and often menial. It never feels like an equal relationship if I'm doing all of it or cleaning up after him.
 
#70 ·
I don't clean up after him. He puts his stuff where it belongs, dishes go in the sink, trash goes in the trash ect. But I do the cooking, dishes, mop, sweep, vacuum, ect. All stuff that I would be doing whether I was married with kids or single. Everyone here cleans up after themselves, ds1 puts his toys up, does his own roo, dishes in sink ect.

I guess it's all relative, and depends on so many different things. My house is rarely dirty and I don't feel that I put that much effort to keeping it that way. Like today I just did a little pickup, breakfast and lunch dishes, made bed, rounded up laundry to take off, and vacuuming, and really that only took about 45 mins total. All the while being able to check my messages between time. But for someone who has a bunch of little kids and a slobby DH might not have it so easy.

Another reason this is easy for me is because I did this for a living (cleaning houses and also being a caregiver) I also grew up taking care of the house, so it's just second nature to me.
 
#71 ·
Well my spouse isn't slobby, but I find the more that I do all the cleaning, the easier it is for him to take it for granted and leave stuff around, and I consider washing his dishes and clothes cleaning up after him. It's just a syndrome I don't want to get mired in. He works hard too, but keeping things clean is a way of life and I don't want to be the only one doing it. I miss having more free time, and I feel less entitled to it if I feel like it all rests on my shoulders. I also want my son to see us sharing duties.
 
#72 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sharlla
I don't clean up after him. He puts his stuff where it belongs, dishes go in the sink, trash goes in the trash ect. But I do the cooking, dishes, mop, sweep, vacuum, ect. All stuff that I would be doing whether I was married with kids or single. Everyone here cleans up after themselves, ds1 puts his toys up, does his own roo, dishes in sink ect.

I guess it's all relative, and depends on so many different things. My house is rarely dirty and I don't feel that I put that much effort to keeping it that way. Like today I just did a little pickup, breakfast and lunch dishes, made bed, rounded up laundry to take off, and vacuuming, and really that only took about 45 mins total. All the while being able to check my messages between time. But for someone who has a bunch of little kids and a slobby DH might not have it so easy.

Another reason this is easy for me is because I did this for a living (cleaning houses and also being a caregiver) I also grew up taking care of the house, so it's just second nature to me.

If your husband is appreciative of you and cleans up after himself and your kids do too, then it is totally different than a mama who does it all, with little ones underfoot and a husband who comes home, flops down on his butt and does nothing else, leaving his dishes and clothes everywhere. And especially when it is a mama who works and still has to do it all. That is highly unfair.

You dear, were blessed with a man who was raised right. That his wife is not his personal servant. You are also instilling this in your children.
 
#73 ·
Ahha! I found this post again just to let you all know that my dh is now finally doing something!!
It may not seem like much, BUT... for the past 4 nights he has been taking dd2 and laying down with her in bed until she falls asleep. I bathe her, and read to her, and nurse her. Then she goes to snuggle with daddy. She whines for a few minutes because its new to her, but overall she falls asleep much more quickly with him than she does with me. This is now going to be his new "job" as we move from having 1 baby in the house, to two!

I'm amazed at how much happier I am with him, just by having him do this ONE thing! Seriously. Its not just that I don't have to do it. Its that it feels like he is doing something too. The responsibility is not all on my shoulders. I have to say.. it feels great. And it makes me find all those mushy feelings I have for him instead of just the resentful ones.
 
#76 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by CalebsMama05
does your dh help you with the kid(s) after he gets home from work?

Just curious as mine doesnt and when i mention it to my sahm friends they say that its a load of BS. however my son naps for 6 hrs a day (3 2hr naps) and i get a break when he naps so *I* dont feel its unreasonable for my dh to be able to rest and relax when he gets home as he only has a 30 min lunch at work.

Thank you


Yes my dh helps with the running of the household, on his days off he cooks dinner and breakfast(he enjoys cooking). He will help with housework(won't do laundry).
Friends ask where I found him,cause their dh's don't lift a finger..
 
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