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#1 of 85 Old 12-07-2005, 03:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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does your dh help you with the kid(s) after he gets home from work?

Just curious as mine doesnt and when i mention it to my sahm friends they say that its a load of BS. however my son naps for 6 hrs a day (3 2hr naps) and i get a break when he naps so *I* dont feel its unreasonable for my dh to be able to rest and relax when he gets home as he only has a 30 min lunch at work.

Thank you

Jami (25) Roland (27) & Caleb (5), Jacob (3.5) , Kaitlyn (2)
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#2 of 85 Old 12-07-2005, 03:50 PM
 
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Nope, not help at all. SOmetime it makes me want to spit nails but I have to keep telling myself that I am a lucky lady because he works VERY hard for me to be able to stay at home.
Lately he *can't* help because he leave for work at 3:30 AM and gets home at 8 pm. He eats and then is off to bed.

I have a 2 1/2 year old, a 4 1/2 year old and an almost 7 year old so I get NO rest during the day.
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#3 of 85 Old 12-07-2005, 03:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by candipooh
Nope, not help at all. SOmetime it makes me want to spit nails but I have to keep telling myself that I am a lucky lady because he works VERY hard for me to be able to stay at home.
Lately he *can't* help because he leave for work at 3:30 AM and gets home at 8 pm. He eats and then is off to bed.

I have a 2 1/2 year old, a 4 1/2 year old and an almost 7 year old so I get NO rest during the day.
i've decided to enjoy it while it lasts cuz i'm sure the baby will complicate things come July!

Jami (25) Roland (27) & Caleb (5), Jacob (3.5) , Kaitlyn (2)
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#4 of 85 Old 12-07-2005, 05:02 PM
 
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My dh helps out alot. We split the housework and the dinner cooking. He works 3am to 11am then is off and goes to bed at 6 pm. His job brings in the money and my job is taking care of the baby. We split household stuff

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#5 of 85 Old 12-07-2005, 05:41 PM
 
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While we only have one ds...one very energetic, spririted 2 1/2 yo ds, my response is 100% no, my dh does not help at all. I too am truely thankful that I am able to stay home with ds, which is why I put up with it at all. My dh has no household chores, when he gets home from work he does his own thing in his office, takes a nap sometimes, whatever. On the weekends he does his own thing or stays in the office and watches sports (sports crazy nut!) all day long. Whether it's cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc., etc.-I do it by by myself with ds in tow.
He does work hard to financially provide, but I do not think that entitles him to a free pass either.

...can you tell I'm a little bitter about it?
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#6 of 85 Old 12-07-2005, 06:12 PM
 
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YES. Basically when he walks through the door, Daddy is #1. She goes to the door to meet him and he keeps track of her while he changes and I get dinner ready. We eat together and he cleans her up after dinner. We hang out together for a bit and I get some alone time and then he plays with her and reads while I take a bath. While he showers I nurse her to sleep then we go to bed....

Weekends also he is 100% involved.

ALSO, our understanding is that she is my work during the day. Any housework that gets done is a bonus. So he helps TONS with that too.

-Angela
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#7 of 85 Old 12-07-2005, 07:19 PM
 
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we plan on splitting childcare at least 50/50 when dh is home. It is REALLY important to me that my children to see that men are nurturing and that men take care of children.
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#8 of 85 Old 12-07-2005, 10:48 PM
 
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My dh and I both feel strongly that he should be the primary parent when he comes home. Obviously, I am still involved, because I like to be with them, but he is the one changing the diapers, feeding him dinner (solids, I still breastfeed of course), giving him a bath, playing with him and putting him to bed. Not only does this give my dh quality time with the baby, but it gives me a break. In my husband's words, "at least when I get home from work I am away from my job. You are at your job 24 hours a day." He's a great daddy and husband!

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#9 of 85 Old 12-07-2005, 10:51 PM
 
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Yes. As soon as he's through the door he is an active parent, especially now with two. The way I see it we both "work" all day, and when we're both home we're both responsible for the children. Yeah I get a nap sometimes, but I do more chores in the evening when he plays or relaxes. I suppose if he had an extremely stressful job with super long hours, it might be different.
I also think it's important that he set an example as a caring parent, and he benefits from it as well, having a closer relationship with his kids.
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#10 of 85 Old 12-07-2005, 10:52 PM
 
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right now no. BUT it s only becasue he is working sooo much right now. when he comes home he is spent and the kids are already in bed.

His days off ( when he is lucky enough to have them) are psent just being with th ekids. I do not expect him to do anything else but to focus on them. He does not one thing around the house lately and right now, that is ok with me ( well I would love th ehelp but it is balanced this way in our house anyways).


when he was not wrking so much, oh yeah he helped ALOT.
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#11 of 85 Old 12-07-2005, 11:25 PM
 
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Umm...Nope - atleast not with the kids. For us, I can't really complain - he does work a ton (14 hr days with no lunch, no breaks) and with that, he is gone as soon as the kids wake up and is home after they're asleep. On his days off he is always doing something! It could be washing cars, changing oil, car maintence stuff, yard work, etc...but with the kids? He has given our middle dd a bath - once... and has changed probably 20 diapers total between the 3 kids. Thats not to say hes not involved - he loves to play with them - he's just not very helpful.
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#12 of 85 Old 12-07-2005, 11:31 PM
 
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Yes, and I feel blessed. He works 35-45 hours a week and is putting in a lot of time trying to start up his own business. But when he comes home in the evening, he spends time with Q, does some housework, and waits to work on his business stuff until Q and I go to bed or I say it's ok. Weekends he checks before disappearing into the office and in general does at least 50% of the housework. More, lately, because I've had so much morning (ha!) sickness and fatigue.
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#13 of 85 Old 12-07-2005, 11:32 PM
 
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Nope. Not at all unless I beg. And we're both SAH parents because we're on disability. So there is no reason why he can't help out too. He just doesn't. : Angry? You bet.

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#14 of 85 Old 12-08-2005, 12:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawanabe
we plan on splitting childcare at least 50/50 when dh is home. It is REALLY important to me that my children to see that men are nurturing and that men take care of children.
we had planned on this too. I have found that my dh doesnt really care to be a father. he just likes showing him off but not really being *active* in his life.

Jami (25) Roland (27) & Caleb (5), Jacob (3.5) , Kaitlyn (2)
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#15 of 85 Old 12-08-2005, 01:16 AM
 
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My dh is very active in the kids' lives. We don't consider it "helping" because that sounds like something someone other than a parent does.

He's gone at 6:30 a.m. and comes home at 6:30 p.m. and takes no lunch, generally so he can be home in time for a family dinner. We eat as soon as he gets home and then he gives the boys (5 and 2) a bath while I clean the kitchen. Then he does a bedtime routine with one while I do it with the other.

I'm also very lucky that dh is a great sport about me having meetings at night and going to the gym at night and going out by myself sometimes on the weekend.

Jen, former attorney and now SAHM to 11 yo ds and 8 yo ds

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#16 of 85 Old 12-08-2005, 01:38 AM
 
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My dh "helps", but I see it more as him spending desired time with his children. He plays with them and talks to them and changes the baby and also often does the bathing and gets them ready for bed. He sets the table, too, and tries to get my dd to help him with that. He wants to, he wants to parent them too.

I don't ask him for help with the housework, cooking, laundry, finances, or other household maintenance. That's my job, and I figure it's the least I can do. I also would prefer to handle it myself. Though he did help with some of that when I had ds.

Mommy to kids

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#17 of 85 Old 12-08-2005, 02:20 AM
 
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Yep, he loves to spend one-on-one time with Denali, and will often take her on an outing if I need a nap, or will saty home with her if I want to go to the bookstore, get coffee, etc. He is a wonderful partner and is always looking out for my state of mind. He fully appreciates how hard I work, and thinks I have the more difficult job of the two of us.

And on the flip side, I understand that he gets tired, too, or needs alone time on a weekend day. I am always willing to take Denali out if he gets home from a tiring day and needs a nap, or to make sure he gets a little relaxing time for himself.
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#18 of 85 Old 12-08-2005, 02:27 AM
 
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Not really. He's on call, and works 2 out of 3 days. He takes DS swimming when he can. HOWEVER... He doesn't feed him or change his diapers. Has bathed him once. It's been a huge issue w/ us, but he's comming along He loves his son like mad, though.
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#19 of 85 Old 12-08-2005, 02:32 AM
 
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I would say that dh doesn't "help" with housework much, but I don't need him to because he is an invoved parent. That's not "helping" IMNSHO, it's being a father rather than a sperm donor. I never ask him if he will watch ds, I just tell him where I'm going and walk out the door (usually to my evening PT job or the grocery store).

I have been really militant about this since ds was born, whereas I could never get myself worked up about the fact that I do all the dishes and laundry. The dishes and laundry don't care who does them. Our son cares a lot about spending time with Daddy and having Daddy be able to meet his diapering/feeding/comfort needs.
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#20 of 85 Old 12-08-2005, 09:04 AM
 
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Yup! DH is all about the kids as soon as he walks in the door. I actually don't know how I could SAHM without him, he is such a huge help to me

Cheers!
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#21 of 85 Old 12-08-2005, 09:52 AM
 
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Well, DH is very active in DS and his other 2 kid's life... but he doesn't really do the housework or the general care. That's my job... he does the playing, watching him while I do other housework or have some time to myself but when it comes to cooking dinner, bathing, putting to bed, etc, that's my job and personally, I don't want him to do it. I enjoy taking care of my son... giving him a bath and putting him to bed is my time to snuggle and love on him. I wouldn't give that time up for the world. DH spends time with him by rough-housing, cuddling, watching movies together, taking little trips to the store, etc... but when it comes to housework, there are times when I want to wring his neck for not helping at all but when it comes down to it, when we talked about me staying home, the deal was that I did the housework so in the end, It's what I agreed to so it's my job. He also works from 3.30am to 3pm most days so he comes home exhausted... and his work is physically demanding, even more so then repeatedly lifting a 36 pound 2 year old, lol so I let him rest.

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#22 of 85 Old 12-08-2005, 10:04 AM
 
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I get really resentful when I perceive dh to be slacking on the less-fun aspects of parenting - feeding, diapering,bathing, diverting ds when he is doing something dangerous, knowing when to give medicine and how much, etc. It's not that I mind doing these things for my son, but I will mind a lot if the impression he receives from his childhood is that Daddy is for fun and Mommy is his personal servant.
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#23 of 85 Old 12-08-2005, 04:39 PM
 
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Yes he helps a lot. He's really changed since I got pg with #2 and is much more involved with day to day crap then he has ever been. His work schedule also changed so he's here a lot more. Usually I hand over the baby when he walks in the door and ds glues himself to daddy's side. I finish dinner, ds and I eat, then I take the baby back and dh eats. Whoever gets to it first usually cleans up the kitchen and then I run away and take a bath. If ds needs a bath 90% of the time dh gets him in there. He puts ds to bed, I take dd.

He doesn't do much house cleaning, mostly because I am able to keep up on it pretty well. He will do laundry if it starts to pile up and mops his bathroom floor once a week now.

I am very lucky. My dh values what I do and realizes how hard it can be sometimes to do it all. My time on bedrest really opened his eyes to a lot of things that I do that he never noticed before. It sucked to be on bedrest, but it was kind of worth it
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#24 of 85 Old 12-08-2005, 05:30 PM
 
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DH helps a ton and gives me a lot of breaks. He does everything from diapers to baths to slinging to anything! If I cook dinner he cleans up. He is alwaysh holding a baby. If he goes running he takes our 2 year old in the jogger- when he is home he is On his Game and helping me!!! I have the best dh ever!

Danielle
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#25 of 85 Old 12-08-2005, 08:05 PM
 
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since housework came up in this trhead. I will also add that because me and dh will both work all day (him 8:30-5:30 at the office and me 8:00-6:00 at home taking care of kids and the messes we make), then all housework and childcare when dh is home is 50/50.

The most important reason for me (beyond it being simply fair) is that I really want my children to understand that men are nurturing, men care for children, men care for the home, etc.

I imagien that Sundays evenings will be family cleaning time. Put on soem good music while I dust and dh sweeps, while I scrub the sink and dh scubs the bathtub. Todlers in tow "helping." When my kids get older they can really help.
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#26 of 85 Old 12-08-2005, 08:12 PM
 
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My dh is a tremendous help. He is completely involved. He feels that during the day I shouldn't worry about housework ect, and just focus on her. He helps out when he gets home, cooks, cleans ect. He is very concerned about me getting a break, and always encourages me to take some time. He will stay up very late w/dd and I even though he has to get up early b/c he feels guilty going to bed (even though I tell him too). I'm very luck!
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#27 of 85 Old 12-09-2005, 08:40 PM
 
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Most of the time I feel like my dh makes a better mom then I do . As soon as he gets home from work he spends some time with dd. He cooks dinner for us about 2 nights a week, but most of the time I do and he just helps. He then usually does the dishes and cleans up the kitchen while I take a brake or catch up on laundry. He then will play with dd for awhile and then take her upstair for a bath. I nurse her and then he puts her to bed. At night when dd wakes (which is only once a night usually) he goes and get her, I nurse her, and then he walks her back and forth until she is asleep. He's like super dad. I try to make him take breaks on the weekend and after dd goes to bed, 'cause otherwise he would never take them for himself. He says that it's his job to make sure that dd and I have the best life possible 'cause we're his princesses . Sorry if this seems like I'm bragging, I just my hubby.

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#28 of 85 Old 12-09-2005, 08:46 PM
 
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No, not typically. He's been *trying* lately to have more fun with DD on his off time but his job is really demanding and takes up most of his time (even when he's off).

Full Time Student & Mommy to 3 princesses! 9/03, 2/07 & 2/07

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#29 of 85 Old 12-10-2005, 09:17 PM
 
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He did until he started working nights again. His sleep schedule is all out of whack so I'm lucky if he's concious enough for himself, let alone anything else lately.
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#30 of 85 Old 12-10-2005, 09:29 PM
 
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I do more than DH, simply because I'm home more, but he definitely does a LOT. Maybe a 60/40 split, with housework. It's more like 50/50 with childcare. You have to understand, though, that before DD was born I was out of the house 14 hours a day, while DH is only away from home 7 hours a day, so that the housework was 100% his responsibility. Me not working was a major, major adjustment, and me taking over the housework has been really gradually. I anticipate doing more and more as DD gets older, although we're going to homeschool and I look on that as a job in itself. And he's still only away from home 7 hours, so he has plenty of time to relax and still do his share of the work around the house.

I don't think of it as him "helping." He cares for our home and child for the same reason I do-- because it's his home and child. If he ever let on that he was doing me a "favor" by doing housework or taking care of DD, I'd go on a sit-down strike and refuse to do any housework at all until he adjusted his attitude.

That's just what works for us, though. I know some women derive a lot of joy and satisfaction from being primarily responsible for their home and families, and I think that's wonderful if it works for you. It doesn't, for us.

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