I'm worried! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 12-08-2005, 06:11 PM - Thread Starter
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I'm a SAHM to Isaac who is 14 months old. I am what a friend of mine calls, "A single married woman." I'm sure you can figure out what that means. My husband works everyday 8:30-6:30 (including driving) and that is it. I mean it. I mean a few weeks ago I tried to make a deal, he gets to watch TV, if he folds clothes. He said, “No.” Not only do I do everything else, but I feel like I have to all the thinking too. If that makes sense. Now I know I can't go on like this forever, but we are young (22). I am praying that things will change with maturity.

What worries me is that December 24th is his last day of work! He will have three months off for the "off season" of landscaping. He will be able to collect unemployment, but I am not sure about the details. He says he's going to get another job for the meantime, but he also says if worst comes to worst, I will get the job.

If I am working who is going to do everything else? I’m worried that I might just get so sick of it, I’ll leave him. Aside from e-mailing him the “does dh help?” thread, I’m at my wits end. I just don’t know what to do anymore. And I’m very worried. Help!

mama to DS1 10/04 and DS2 9/07 and brand new DS3 5/29!
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#2 of 5 Old 12-08-2005, 07:58 PM
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Maybe try talking to him using "I" language and not "you" language (not saying you do the "you") just kind of like "I feel..." not "when you do this..." focus it on yourself, how you feel handling things. Don't put the blame on him (at least not verbally to his face , that's what the internet is for ) if you don't think he will be responsive. I'm the type that will straight up say how I feel and what I want changed- but my dh is responsive. I'm guessing yours would not be, so maybe this could help?
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#3 of 5 Old 12-13-2005, 01:44 PM
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I just wanted to send you some well-wishing....
I guess, according to your post, I would be considered a single-married woman also (although as the daughter of a single mom, I could never compare us-all the work I do would never compare to how she busts her butt working two jobs & still raising my two younger brothers...)

In my situation, it has been like this since day one, and ds is now 2.5, pushing 3.
nothing has changed-I have told him nicely, talked to him in detail about what I want to change, even yelled about it.
Nothing has worked for me...yet. By the way, he is almost 30 now.
I'm not trying to be discouraging-I meant this to be one of those, "you're not alone," posts...sorry.

If you are the one getting the job over him though, I would make it clear to him that he will be responsible for taking over the things you do, or it's a no go. It's easier for me to nag my dh about household things then just do them all myself because I'm there. BUT, if I had to go out and work and he was home, I assure you I wouldn't accept it.
Good luck mama, I hope you guys can figure it all out.
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#4 of 5 Old 12-14-2005, 11:37 AM
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That is such a hard situation. Some men just don't get it. My best friend is in your situation, only she is also the breadwinner at her house and doesn't even have kids yet, so who knows what is going to happen then!

Here's my two cents:

I have a husband who does at least half of the household stuff in addition to leaving the house while it is dark and getting home after it is dark (basically 10-12 hour day). He also works in the homebuilding industry, so he is definately a macho type and in that kind of profession. Anyway, basically what works for me is a lot of communication and not putting up with any of his crap. I pretty much tell him what is his fair share, let him negotiate a little bit (ex- no, I'll vaccum if you do the bathroom) and then put it on a big list somewhere so he can see it. If it isn't done regularly, I don't EVER do it for him. Instead, I get really mad at him and tell him that he isn't being an equal partner, is making me do all the work, blah blah blah. When he does the stuff, I let him know how much I appreciate him by being extra sweet and doing little things to make him happy. He knows that if he contributes, our house will be a happy place. If he doesn't, things will be terrible! So it is a no brainer at our house.

I really think the key is to stand up for yourself. My best friend always expects her husband to do stuff just to make her happy or out of the goodness of his heart and it just never happens. You have to be really direct about what you want and then enforce it. Sounds mean, but it makes our family run really smoothly and everyone stays happy (except for the occasional argument!).

homebirthing organic mama to three crazy boys very blessed!!
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#5 of 5 Old 01-04-2006, 09:22 PM
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About a year into being a SAHM my dh, who is normally pretty sensitive to me, had turned into a complete lump. I remember one really clear conversation we had where I explained that my job is to raise our child to be a well rounded little person, that if I went to work, we would pay someone else a ton of money to do nothing but keep her, so that's my job. My job is not to do his laundry, mate his socks or cook his dinner, I do all those things because I love him, But it is NOT my JOB. I think during this conversation I was also upset enough to tell him that I had a college degree and could leave him and get a job- but really I had let things go until I was mad enough to completely mean that. Do not say something you don't mean!

It took a lot of work to get him back on track understanding that he had to pull his weight, but now we have a very comfortable division of labor.

Good luck. Training a husband takes a lot of effort.

Laura, Mama to Mya 7/02, Ian 6/07 and Anna 8/09
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