Loneliness and the SAHM. - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-13-2006, 04:02 PM
 
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Lonely here too. 3 kids, family close by, the kids often go to my folks' house on Saturday for the day while dh is at work so I have free time which I spend....reading or resting. I have some help around here, but not like I used to since now my mom babysits my sister's son 3 days a week and I babysit him 2 mornings a week while my sister works, and my inlaws are....well, my mil is "sickly" (long story) and my fil works a lot so they aren't available at all. I volunteer at my oldest dd's school. My dh leaves for work at 8 am and gets home at nearly 7 pm on his regular schedule (Bearsmama, are you sure you aren't me? I feel like I have so much in common with you ), but at least is home Sundays and Mondays. I am picky about whom I spend time with (I really have to 'click' with people, and even then it's hard to take it beyond acquaintanceship, yk?), and I am very shy/introverted. Plus I have always tended to be a little odd or unusual in my thinking (as I perceive it when talking to others-I just see the world a little differently), and definitely my parenting is unusual in this community. I started going to once-monthly attachment parenting international meetings (almost every mom there has just a baby or two, not kids as old as my older two), but the last couple of months either my kids or I have been sick on meeting day. I have a really close friend who lives an hour and a half away, and she just had her 4th baby and works part time so her schedule is crazy and between all our kids we don't often get to talk (and like me, she collapses in exhaustion in the evenings and doesn't think of using the phone).

I guess it's not that I don't have people, but that I don't have much adult interaction most days. And it's hard. Even if you meet up with moms, half the time is spent on the kids rather than actually talking. And that's when you can actually get together between all the kids' schedules and moms' schedules.

Ah, well. At least it's good to know I'm not the only mom who is lonely. Maybe I'm not as freakish as I often feel I must be.
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Old 01-13-2006, 04:12 PM
 
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I haven't read through all the posts in this thread...but just wanted to offer my commiserating reply...

YES! I'm lonely. Quite lonely. I live in a relatively small town that isn't conduscive to my belief system. Not to mention...my partner's vehicle has been sitting in the garage, broken down...for about a year now. He takes my car to work. So I'm left here stranded in the house with the kiddo. We can get out and walk the neighborhood...but the way this city is layed out...we can't walk to shops or anything. Suburban Hell at it's finest (or...worst, depending on the day)...
There are some groups out here that cater to mom's...but not necessarily their kids. And...I don't fit in with them. It's not a matter of TRYING...it's a matter of...we don't get along. Oil and water. And I would have to be someone I am not to make it work.

Anyway...just thought I'd throw my log on the fire...I wish you all peace.
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Old 01-13-2006, 04:16 PM
 
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I have a couple of friends who go to the movies once every week---no matter what, they do that for themselves. They also meet for coffee once or twice a week in the a.m. after dropping off the kids at school and I try and meet them for that. It can be lonely staying at home and getting engulfed in that part of life.

Meetings with friends or kindred spirits don't happen so organically anymore. I resisted that so much in the beginning until I realized I just had to organize some girlfriend time into my life or get very very depressed and irritable.

You are worth it, chica!
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Old 01-13-2006, 10:43 PM
 
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Sarah, we are almost the same age. I find that it's hard to meet older moms.
I have been really lonely the last couple of years--as we are new to the area where we are now living. But after a while, you get used to it--I know, it does sound odd. But I really find myself so busy with every day life that I am not feeling that as much any more.
I used to force myself to talk to anyone with a kid in tow--at the store, at the library, at the rec center, etc., and eventually I made some friends. It almost reminds me of dating--and trying to meet someone. You have to really be on your best behavior and all that, just to meet others.
I have one really good friend now, but even that has its drawbacks because she has a lot of drama in her life. Even though we are close in age, education level, and our kids are close in age (both in our 40s, both PhDs, both with toddlers)...but even with all that in common, it's not that easy lately.
Some other things that have really helped me--taking a class when I can, reading when I can-- and exercising--that's been really helpful. I run with my kids in the stroller.
Look into things that you have always wanted to do, but couldn't do due to money, time, etc. and just read up on and even make a plan as to how you would like to do it in the future. Your kids won't be little forever and eventually you do get parts of your life back. When they are toddlers or babies, being a sahm is all-consuming.
I have always been really interested in falconry (spelling?) and plan to look into hopefully taking "a class" or lessons, or whatever it takes to work with birds of prey. Maybe I can even look into birds of prey rescue.
I think as my kids get a little older, I also get more "into" their lives and that makes it less lonely.
I know this is hard to do--but if you can really focus on the moment and be really present in what is going on, the loneliness really does subside, even if only temporarily.
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Old 01-14-2006, 08:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahariz
I've been eating chocolate like crazy to stuff my feelings of loneliness, boredom, anger, frustration, resentment, whatever!
omg, me tooo!! : but, I was reading in the ppd forum, that one naturopath's "diagnosis" was to go and eat as much organic dark chocolate as you want first, then go see him for the next step. I think it was to raise the body's serotonin levels. hmmm, sounds good to me!

I didn't get a chance to read all the replies, but I am : because there are a lot of good perspectives and suggestions in this thread! There has been something BUGGING me for so long now! (since I got pregnant) I have realized that it has been the lack of that something that *I* used to always do. Whether it was school, a job, any worthwhile and fullfilling committment. I mean, ds is definitely a worthwhile and fullfilling commitment and more, but I need that INDIVIDUAL achievement in my area of interest, yk? After reading this thread, I am convinced that my upcoming plans are a very good idea. DP and I are leaving CA, going back "home" and starting our farm there (that part won't be for about 2 years or so though...). I am excited because I am going with ds first, dp will continue to work here for about a month or two. My family is all there, visiting relatives will be there when I get there, and my parents are letting my stay at their house, my mom letting me do her books for her health food store to make money...without having to put ds in someone else's care! What a relief. Then I will begin taking free training classes to do tax preparations this spring. I'm so excited about the new "endedavors" and getting to DO something for myself.

But I absolutely feel the lonliness otherwise!!


Creating Art. Living life on Guam. Sharing my Journey.

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Old 01-14-2006, 10:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Mamas,
Reading, reading reading, trying to catch up. I'll be back to post soon. Thansk for continuuing this thread and sharing your feelings.
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Old 01-17-2006, 11:12 PM
 
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I feel a combination of things...loneliness, boredom, and frustration at being constantly in demand. I am lonely in that I wish I had someone nearby who was in relatively the same situation as me - same age, first child (or maybe second), same educational level, similar interests, etc. But I haven't had a close friend in many years, so that's nothing new. It just seems to be more important now. I have met several mothers at LLL and playgroup, but like someone else mentioned (gah, I don't even know if it was this thread or not), they aren't the type of people I'd befriend if I didn't have a child. I wish I could find that person nearby. On the flip side, I used to spend most of my time alone. I used to spend a lot of time online and read a lot of books. I think at some level, I'm overstimulated - though how I can be overstimulated and bored at the same time, I don't know. I adore my son, but I'm frustrated at how little time I get to myself. I know it will change soon enough, so I try not to get too overwhelmed by it all...but it's hard.

Mama to Marcus (1/05) and Arianna (3/10). hbac.gif

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Old 01-18-2006, 06:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl
Sarah, we are almost the same age. I find that it's hard to meet older moms.
Yes, it is. I have a PhD too (clinical psychology) and I haven't met any other moms in that category. I will be 44 on Feb 4 and my dd will be 18 mo old. I've met about 5 moms who are 40ish who also have young kids, but only one has become a friend. I was thinking of organizing a pot-luck for the 40 and over crowd w/ wee ones!

I too go to playgroups, and just earlier this week found something called the Mom's Club http://www.momsclub.org/index.html-I joined out of desperation. A lot of people here go to something called MOPS http://www.mops.org/page.php?pageid=...inklist&src=70, but it isn't my style.

I just wish there was more support in our culture for mothers, children and mothering!

Over the holidays my chocolate habit got way out of control! Now Valentine's Day is coming!

I went to some 12 step meetings recently (alanon, adult children of alcoholics, etc)- they aren't kid friendly, but at least there are adults there talking about real life problems and real solutions. I found I enjoyed them.

I wish all of us who have written in on this forum could get together in person!
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Old 01-20-2006, 07:14 PM
 
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I think it's just as hard as a 30-something. At least in this town, most women start having children earlier. Women in their 30s have multiple children. I have a master's degree, and one time, I was hanging out with two other women (from LLL) who, as it turned out, also had master's degrees. But one has three kids (oldest age 7, youngest about the same age as my son), and the other just had her third child. Her second DS likes to beat up on my DS, so they're not exactly a good match. <roll eyes> I think that the women saw me as both naive and an outsider, since they'd been going to meetings together for years.

Mama to Marcus (1/05) and Arianna (3/10). hbac.gif

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Old 01-25-2006, 03:32 AM
 
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Hi mommas. I lurk on this board, but this is my first post.

Do you ever feel like you're living the movie "Groundhog Day?" I do. It's like the same day, over and over and over. I'm so lonely! We moved to our extremely small town over a year ago and I still have not made a single friend. Family is 2 hours away, and there are *no* playgroups/moms' groups in the area - I know, 'cause I've checked.

My older two are in school, and last year I tried to volunteer a lot in hopes of making friends, but that didn't work. Now I'm at home constantly with my 3-month old, who I , but being at home with a babe makes me feel even more isolated.

My dh and I have a good relationship, but I always feel like I have nothing to say. He always wants to know how my day was, but conversation about how I cleaned, did laundry, and played with the baby is not very interesting, kwim? My sister always asks if I've made any friends yet, and I always have to answer, "no."

I feel almost shell-shocked. Before I became a SAHM I was a full-time student and worked part-time. We lived in an area where I had friends and a life. Now I feel like I have nothing of my "own." I can't remember the last time I was happy.

A happy woman
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Old 01-25-2006, 11:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Mamas,
I just want to say that I've been trying to catch up on this thread. I'm glad it now has a life/conversation of its own. I'll be back asap to reply. Thank you all for your honest, smart replies. Hugs to all of you.
Bears
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