Loneliness and the SAHM. - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-30-2005, 01:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I realize that this topic has probably been visited before, but I need to dredge it up again.

Are you lonely? Well, I am. I have two boys-almost 4 and 16 mos. Being a SAHM brings up loads of different feelings for me each day. But the one feeling I keep trying to put my finger on, I think, is loneliness.

I have a playgroup that tries to meet 1x/week. My older son is in preschool 5 mornings/week. We have good neighbors that my kids love to play with. I have a few good friends who we try to see as often as possible. All that said, and I still feel all alone. I have no family nearby, and DH's family, although local, are basically uninvolved in their grandchildren's daily lives (we see them about every two weeks or so). I feel so stretched by my kids every day. So alone. I am a fairly social person, so I do not isolate myself. And I still feel all alone in this. And I guess I *AM* all alone.

I guess I just didn't expect to be here with these two amazing kids and still feel so alone. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. Just wondering if you feel this way, too. And maybe if we had more family or other interested parties in our kids lives I'd STILL feel this way. I just don't know.

TIA for sharing your experience.
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Old 12-30-2005, 02:24 AM
 
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I find myself feeling the same way sometimes. I think that the family, kids, etc. don't replace the sorts of friendships that I had before children. There are days when my only interactions are child-centered and/or with store clerks, standing in line, etc. It just isn't the same as going out with a girlfriend to lunch, hanging out at the beach with someone, etc. Currently I get the most fufillment from the friends that I'd have despite children (although they have kids too). With these friends I find myself talking about things that have nothing to do with kids.... It is pretty much impossible to arrange a girl's night out or something along those lines to just hang out. I don't get much chance to do that sort of thing though. Who knew that being surrounded by family you love would still leave you feeling lonely, KWIM?
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Old 12-30-2005, 02:41 AM
 
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When I was a complete SAHM I absolutely felt that way. I had very few friends who all worked, DH worked many, many hours, and I felt lonely. Somehow, even though there was always much to do, I felt bored as well. I 'fixed' the problem by going back to school PT, and honestly I feel much more fulfilled. I've made friends too. I have a very understanding husband though. I go to class when he is home so the girls never go to daycare. I refer to us as SAH parents now, if such a thing exists.
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Old 12-30-2005, 03:01 AM
 
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I refer to us as SAH parents now, if such a thing exists.
I can relate to this. Even though I am "really" a SAHM (meaning that my job is my "me time") I have found that working at an interesting job, even though it is just six hours a week, really reduced that nagging sense of lonliness I felt. I am a shy person by nature, so it was hard for me to be socially outgoing without my job.

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Old 12-30-2005, 12:55 PM
 
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Is it really loneliness or missing adult interaction? I've had times I've felt this way, but after a long talk with my DH we realized that I didn't have any quality time with HIM. Make the most of the time you have together, and realize that every mom needs a break once in awhile.
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Old 12-30-2005, 03:31 PM
 
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I can totally relate to feeling lonely, despite being a very social person and having quite a few friends. For me, I think my issues are more about missing a particular type of interection, like Alkenny mentioned. Most of my friends are moms and we often end up talking about the kids or the parenting issue du jour, or stuff like that.

And I absolutely think my altered connection with DH plays a role. I miss him in ways I never knew I would. My focus for the new year is finding a baby sitter so he and I can regularly spend time alone together, out of the house, not in front of the tv, not at our computers... but together. I am due in April (our third child) and I know some of that will have to drop off while we are caring for a newborn again, but I don't want to just throw up my hands and give up on the effort of he and I connecting (like I did w/DD). It is vital to my health as an individual, and as our health as a couple. I notice when I feel disconnected from him, I feel MUCH more lonely in my day to day living.

I am hopeful for the future. This past year has been difficult and I am excited to bid it farewell. 2006 will bring us many changes (new baby, DD will start preschool, DH just started a new job that allows him to actually eat dinner with us as a family every night ) and I am excited about them. I have also learned many lessons about what I need to do to take ownership of my emotions and DO something about them (like finding a baby sitter). I am not so included to just say "I can't do it because of the kids". My new mantra is actually more like, "I MUST do it becuase of the kids." They deserve happy, thriving parents, connected parents.

We are also going to implement one night a week where both DH and I get an evening "off" to do whatever we want to do. I am thinking of taking a dance class, or learning to knit on my night off. I think it will help me feel less like the life is being sucked out of me by the monotony of the day in, day out of being with the kids all the time. I need to do something this is just for me.

I will also admit, sometimes I fantasize about going back to work. But in the end, I don't think it would make me happy. I feel so strongly that I need to be home for the children for now and I know I would feel amiss by abandoning that plan. I'm hoping some of the less drastic measures I've already mentioned will aleviate that longing I feel.

But yeah... all in all, I do get lonely.
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Old 12-30-2005, 04:15 PM
 
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Add me to the lonely list. I have a lot of friends and I email them as often as possible and try to get together frequently too. I absolutely love and treasure my days home with the girls and am always finding fun things for us to do together, but there is this nagging loneliness that comes from not having adult conversation, I guess. I'm not the type to pick up the phone and call someone although it does help when someone calls me and we can chat ... but I worry people think I talk too much because when I do get adult conversation ...

I think the winter is particularly difficult because we're indoors more. I know right now I'm also feeling the post-holiday blues a bit, too.

Hugs!
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Old 12-30-2005, 04:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamameg
I have also learned many lessons about what I need to do to take ownership of my emotions and DO something about them (like finding a baby sitter). I am not so included to just say "I can't do it because of the kids". My new mantra is actually more like, "I MUST do it becuase of the kids." They deserve happy, thriving parents, connected parents.

I need to do something this is just for me.

I will also admit, sometimes I fantasize about going back to work. But in the end, I don't think it would make me happy. I feel so strongly that I need to be home for the children for now and I know I would feel amiss by abandoning that plan. I'm hoping some of the less drastic measures I've already mentioned will aleviate that longing I feel.
I can so relate to this! I just called a friend today and when she asked how I was doing, I said I was so lonely! I think I felt it even more today because DH and I had a nice connecting conversation this morning... it makes the contrast after he goes to work more apparent.

I've been eating chocolate like crazy to stuff my feelings of loneliness, boredom, anger, frustration, resentment, whatever!

I also get conflicted about leaving 17 mo old dd w/ sitters. I had just started to get into a little bit of a routine of leaving her for a couple hours once a week so I could go to yoga, but then she started crying when I left! That made it hard. I feel a lot of conflict w/ my value of wanting to be a responsive parent and my need to have some time for myself.

I go to a playgroup too, and feel like it is "better than nothing." Sometimes I am so utterly bored by the conversation-another one about what kids' shoes are the best, "how old is she now?" etc. Also, I get tired of never being able to really entirely focus on a conversation, having part of my mind always on my child.

At one point, I took an online course in Adobe Photoshop through my local community college. That was actually helpful, to be learning something new and actually see the results of what I was doing. It was stressful at times, though, when I felt like I was behind, but, since the instructor didn't have strict deadlines, it worked for me.

Recently I have gotten involved in some 12 step groups (Alanon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Overeaters Anonymous) both online and in person, and I've found I enjoy sharing and hearing other people's shares about deeper issues.

I've also started an email discussion group for moms in my town-I hope it will grow and I can find some new people to connect with. I'm 43, so I would like to find some other first time moms my age.
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Old 12-30-2005, 06:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Babytime
Add me to the lonely list. I have a lot of friends and I email them as often as possible and try to get together frequently too. I absolutely love and treasure my days home with the girls and am always finding fun things for us to do together, but there is this nagging loneliness that comes from not having adult conversation, I guess. I'm not the type to pick up the phone and call someone although it does help when someone calls me and we can chat ... but I worry people think I talk too much because when I do get adult conversation ...

I think the winter is particularly difficult because we're indoors more. I know right now I'm also feeling the post-holiday blues a bit, too.

Hugs!
Exactly!! We have playgroups, I have lots of friends, et cetera, but I get very lonely during the day, even on days when we are very busy. DH has been home this week on vacation and it has been so great to have that adult companionship during the day. What a difference! Plus the kids have two people they can go to for things, so I am not constantly at their beck and call. I wish it could be like this all the time...
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Old 12-31-2005, 12:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you, mamas, for all your replies and commiseration. It's so important for me to know I'm not alone-I guess this is an important thing for many of us.

anne-You know, I never realized this until now and reading your post, but there are many, many days that all of my interactions are kid-based or with store clerks. Man, of COURSE I would feel lonely.

Naomi-Sounds like a few of the mamas here have gone back to work for just a little bit, or like you, started school, and that's made a difference.

Rowdy-I am understanding more and more that maybe part time work or *something* out of the house would help me. I just don't know what that could be with DH's schedule and taking care of the kids.

Babytime-Thanks for the hugs. I need them right now. The long winter months ahead are worrying me a bit.

sarahariz-I really appreciate your honesty. I feel very conflicted about leaving my youngest (16 mos), too. Although, like mamameg says, it's really integral to the health of my family for me to take care of ME and my relationship with DH (did she say it, or did I say it??? ). I'm paraphrasing, of course. I don't know what the answer is, though. Or HOW to make it happen.

cgmom-I think having ME be the only one who is here during the day (like most of us) is really, really draining in ways I never anticipated. When DH is here, and we can kind of split the duties, I feel so much better about everything.

Alkenny-Your post really stuck with me today. The problem is, I'm not sure what a break really looks like. That, AND, DH and I get no quality time together. We try to squeeze in conversations at dinner, in the kitchen, when the kids are running around. But we have a very, very challenging older DS(almost 4). He cannot take too much attention being placed somewhere other than him. Many times DH and I just say to each other, "let's wait until the kids are asleep". We have co-slept with both kids since the day of their births. They are still in our bed. I think this connecting with my partner thing is JUST HUGE. We try very, very hard to work as a team with the kids, with discipline, etc. But at the end of our day, we are both so exhausted, so spent, that we collapse on the couch with the computer, or the tv, or a book. Sitting next to each other and not really being with each other. I miss my bed. I miss my husband. This is so hard. We're going through a really, really, hard time with our older son, so everything seems to be coming to a head right now. I don't know why I'm sharing all this. It's just coming out. And I feel so lonely about so much.

And mamameg-I completely GET your post. Just get it. This year has sucked for us. I feel that we've gained so much by having these beautiful, challenging kids, but we've lost a lot, too. In fact, I feel that 4 years into this, I am finally accepting all that I've lost. And that main connection with my DH is a huge part of that. Maybe I'm lonely for HIM. ???

Wow. This turned into something bigger than just loneliness, huh?
I'm struggling with lots of things right now. Loneliness is just part of it all.
Thanks for sharing.
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Old 12-31-2005, 01:44 AM
 
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I am. I'm too young to make friends with the mainstream parents of my daughter's friends. I am foreigner who has no idea how to meet people here. I feel awkward in social situations because I lack the knowledge of cultural references to understand witty remarks and smalltalk. I never know what is approbiate and what not. It's like one big culture shock + being a SAHM to an 8 year old. This said, playgroups are no alternative cause she's too old.
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Old 12-31-2005, 01:59 AM
 
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Hi Bearsmama!

Yes, a high-needs attention hungry child can definately take a toll on a marriage. Dh and I went through a pretty rough patch over the summer caused in part by us feeling disconnected. It can be so hard.

And yes, I am lonely. Sometimes I secretly wish that I had another mother and children with me all day every day to share our days with. Don't get me wrong, the kids and I have lots of special 'alone' times, but often I wish for adult companionship. My dh is a physician and works LONG hours and through the week I am the same as a single mother. Sigh.

I wouldn't trade being a SAHM for anything, but it can be lonely and hard. For sure!

~lisa~mama to 3 boys (1/02, 5/04, 12/06)
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Old 12-31-2005, 10:02 AM
 
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Having a high needs child can really throw a monkey wrench into things, that's true. to you, and I hope you can find some quality time together. It doesn't have to be anything that expands energy, you say you sit BY each other but aren't really spending time WITH each other, I hope you can find a way to connect.
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Old 12-31-2005, 01:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Alkenny
Is it really loneliness or missing adult interaction? I've had times I've felt this way, but after a long talk with my DH we realized that I didn't have any quality time with HIM. Make the most of the time you have together, and realize that every mom needs a break once in awhile.
This has been an issue for me too. I felt ready to spend some "adult time" with my DH after we put the babe to bed, and he was usually so tired and talked out after working all day. He would say that sitting next to me was quality time that he enjoyed, but I really wanted more interaction, and would get upset if too many days went by without it.

Now we make weekend nights special by lighting candles, turning off the TV, and we each have a glass of wine and interact. I've learned to just let him be on weeknights because we enjoy the weekend nights together so much.

I have a lot of other friends that I can see and have good conversations with, but I found that it was the time with DH that makes the difference.
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Old 12-31-2005, 02:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by huggerwocky
I am. I'm too young to make friends with the mainstream parents of my daughter's friends. I am foreigner who has no idea how to meet people here. I feel awkward in social situations because I lack the knowledge of cultural references to understand witty remarks and smalltalk. I never know what is approbiate and what not. It's like one big culture shock + being a SAHM to an 8 year old. This said, playgroups are no alternative cause she's too old.

What do you mean you're too young to make friends. I have friends of all age groups 20's-50's. I think friendship is about extending yourself a bit.
I do feel though that the transition from being career oriented to kid oriented is a challenging one. Many women/and men who leave a career where they were very successful and had that success validated daily in numerous ways don't always get the instant gratifcation with caring for a child. Being the steward of a child is immensely gratifying, but in such a different way that sometimes we don't recognize it.
Pg may not be an alternative, but what about getting involved in her school or scouting or sports. You can meet like minded parents that way. What about a church/synagouge/mosque. That's lots of places to meet parents that have kids your own age. What about pursing your own interest. You could take a class. I took a sewing class and a knitting class and met some really cool ladies that way. There's also groups that will match you with moms in your area with similar interest etc.
Also loneliness is a state of mind too. I sometimes find myself lonely, but I'm learning to be ok with those feelings by taking those opportunities to explore things that I enjoy on my own.
Whee, that was a mouth full

Sabrina , mom to 4 fab kids!

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Old 12-31-2005, 03:22 PM
 
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What do you mean you're too young to make friends. I have friends of all age groups 20's-50's. I think friendship is about extending yourself a bit.
I didn't think of this when I read the original comment about being too young to make friends, but now that I've read sabrinat's comment, I have to agree. One way I alleviated some of the "I have no friends with kids" lonliness was to join my local mothers club and start a playgroup through it. I now have several women I am friends with, but I'l be honest... if it weren't for us having kids and living in the same small town, I would not be friends with them. They are perfecty nice people, but we don't have THAT much in common. We will never be super close, but I have close friends... I don't need 20 of them. I like having some casual companions who we get together with weekly, and having them REALLY helps with the feeling of extreme isolation. Even though I do still feel lonely sometimes, it's nothing like it was when my DD was tiny and I didn't know anyone.

huggerwocky, I hope you can find a way to make some connections with some other mamas. Even if you don't feel like you will be best friends for life, it can make the long days more bearable.
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Old 12-31-2005, 04:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Alkenny
Is it really loneliness or missing adult interaction? I've had times I've felt this way, but after a long talk with my DH we realized that I didn't have any quality time with HIM. Make the most of the time you have together, and realize that every mom needs a break once in awhile.
Mine is more an adult interaction issue. My DH works 65 plus hours a week and he is my only daily interraction. (Well, not counting the pweeps and dant doo that occasionally comes out of DD and the constant MOM MOM MOM MOM nandy Mom. Or the squeak squeak I get from DS.) That is not stimulating conversation. I love my DC and would never leave them home with somebody else just to have a few conversations in a week. I just think it would be nice to have normal "adult" conversations. This site is as close to that as I can get.
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Old 01-01-2006, 12:29 PM
 
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Thank you, mamas, for all your replies and commiseration. It's so important for me to know I'm not alone-I guess this is an important thing for many of us.

Alkenny-Your post really stuck with me today. The problem is, I'm not sure what a break really looks like. That, AND, DH and I get no quality time together. We try to squeeze in conversations at dinner, in the kitchen, when the kids are running around. But we have a very, very challenging older DS(almost 4). He cannot take too much attention being placed somewhere other than him. Many times DH and I just say to each other, "let's wait until the kids are asleep". We have co-slept with both kids since the day of their births. They are still in our bed. I think this connecting with my partner thing is JUST HUGE. We try very, very hard to work as a team with the kids, with discipline, etc. But at the end of our day, we are both so exhausted, so spent, that we collapse on the couch with the computer, or the tv, or a book. Sitting next to each other and not really being with each other. I miss my bed. I miss my husband. This is so hard. We're going through a really, really, hard time with our older son, so everything seems to be coming to a head right now. I don't know why I'm sharing all this. It's just coming out. And I feel so lonely about so much.

Wow. This turned into something bigger than just loneliness, huh?
I'm struggling with lots of things right now. Loneliness is just part of it all.
Thanks for sharing.
Hey Bearsmama,

I was just talking about that to my dh during the past christmas days. DD had to spend the first ten days of her life in NICU due to respiratory (sp?) problems. When we came home the only way she would sleep was lying on top of me - all day and all night long. We therefore had a non-existant intimate relationship for the first year of her life and are slowly now (she will be TWO on Jan.12!!) begining to revive our relationship since Leonie spent the last 4 months in our bed as well. I don't know how other co-sleeping parents handle this 'problem' but I can't relax and be intimate w/my dh when dd's fast asleep right next to me.

Back to your original question - I too was very lonly during dd first year of life. My parents, my grandparents, my aunt&uncle, all of my friends, really everbody I know and love lives in Munich, which is 50mins by train away (but then you're just at the Central Station and might have to travel even further!) so I went to town 3x a week. Apart from my ILs and their friends and the obvious Sales Clerks and Servants in my fave Ice Parlor I knew noone in Herrsching, where we live. I spent my days talking walks, sitting in the ice parlor (mind you, I put on 55lbs during pregnancy, lost 22 of them immediately after givin birth, gained another 15 during that said year and now I am back to my pre-preggers weight! sup), spending time in front of my computer and such. Yes, I felt bad about that and I felt like crap. In addition to that breastfeeding sucked, I was sleep-deprived and had noone to turn to so I weaned at two months. There where times I sat crying on our bed, my husband by my side who tried to soothe or daughter as she bawled as well
After Leonies birthday last yeas (Jan' 05) I just got off my a*ss I went to the Family Center that I right next door to our house. My life has change ever since and I am way more happy that I was ever before. And I finally began to love being a SAHM! Of course most of the things we talk about are child related and of course I am the biddy of all the moms (I am almost 23, most of them are in the end of their thirties, one of them is even 42 but our children are age-alike (+/- 9months) and so they have a lot of fun together!) but I can also tell them about my problems (like at the moment I am very torn if I should start an apprenticeship as a office manager which is similar to going to college but I train at a company and at school) to hear their opinions. And I finally found that girlfriend that seems to stay by my side come what may. She knows that I am in therapy and why I go there, she knows my problems abd my failures, she knows my good sides as well and her son is just one day older than Leonie! The two are soooo funny when they play together since they now start talking to each other!

Now that I have solved the 'friend' problem I want to work on the 'husband' problem and on my own problems. That's the only thing I have made a New Year's Resolution for and I am looking very forward to that.

And I want to second something a pp said - when I feel that I have a problem I have noone to talk to (like APing, healthy&crunchy eating, handiworking and such) I come to MDC. To some this might sound sad to me it's a revelation to find so many like-minded people from all over the world!
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Old 01-01-2006, 12:38 PM
 
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EDIT - double posting, I am sorry
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Old 01-01-2006, 10:01 PM
 
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I just had a conversation like this with Dh. And we decided that it is critical for the kids and the family that we have (a) activities that are just for me and just for him and (b) more time together. There is nothing that benefits the kids more than two happy parents. That said, it is hard to carve out the time to make that happen, especially when the kids are young. Sometimes, it's less a matter of how much time and simply having "good" time. An hour at the coffee shop by myself reading a book will do wonders for my state of mind.

Jen, former attorney and now SAHM to 11 yo ds and 8 yo ds

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Old 01-02-2006, 01:20 AM
 
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I am. I don't like the neighborhood where I live that much (have lived here two years now) because it's not all that walkable, and even though there's families everywhere, there doesn't seem to be much community. The neighbors are nice but all have more kids and seem to be busy with that and entrenched in their lives. I've found local park district art and music classes for toddlers, but find it hard to meet people. I'm shy, and I like to be alone, but I could use a few friends. Even now that I've made a couple, it is slow going. Plus, I don't always just want to get together with our kids and talk about our kids, while watching our kids. Talking to my mom helps.

Sometimes I think just more time alone for myself would help, ironically, because I wouldn't feel isolated from myself as well. I also think just talking to my old friends in other states helps tremendously, but since I had my first child, they don't seem very interested. I think they're busier, or aren't interested in my life, or think I'm not interested anymore now that I'm a mom. I don't know.
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Old 01-02-2006, 01:56 PM
 
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Wanted to add that maybe one of the reasons I feel lonely is that I'm really picky (maybe too picky???) about the kind of people I hand out with.

~lisa~mama to 3 boys (1/02, 5/04, 12/06)
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Old 01-03-2006, 12:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Mamas,

I'll work backwards here-thank you to everyone who posted. Again, it's always comforting to know I'm not the only mama with these feelings.

Hi TLO : You know, DH just said something to me the other day when I was not picking up the phone when a friend called (I just didn't feel like talking at that moment and let the phone go to our voicemail). He asked if I was avoiding her and I said, NO, I just don't want to talk right now. And he said something about how it's a bit wacky that I'm doing the avoiding considering I have a history of talking about being lonely without many SAHM friends. To him, I guess, things are very fixable. Like, if you're lonely, fix it. Pick up the phone, make a call, go out, etc. And he's right on many levels. Althogh I've realized some things about myself since having kids that aren't wonderful. Like, I can be very picky, sort of judgmental about people sometimes. In fact, when I was first at home with my son almost 4 years ago, it took me a few months to start joining groups, trying to make friends, etc. I think I had some kind of checklist in my head for a friend that I really didn't even know existed. Until I would meet someone and they bottle fed, or they didn't sleep with their kids, or perhaps they worked part time. And they weren't exactly like me, so I would somehow write them off. I know that sounds horrible, but I'm being honest here. I think there were probably a few relationships in those early months and years that could have become deeper and more fulfilling relationships had I stuck with them a little better. Karma is a b&*$th b/c a few moms sort of did this to me, too. Blew me off a bit. At that time, I used to joke with DH that I was "dating" other women. Trying friendships on for size, all the while still feeling very lonely inside. Whew! Was that a ramble or what??

Oh, and TLO-I am already at my wits end with my DH working a more "regular" schedule. He is home at 7pm, and leaves for work at 8:15 am. A long day, but nothing like a physician's hours. I know a few people IRL who have partners where basically they are IT all the time, and that's rough, rough, rough.

wurzel-It's so rough. I'm happy to hear that you've developed some friendships that you are happy with. I think your post is a great example of getting our of ourselves a bit-getting over our *ideas* of the perfect friend, or relationship. Oh, and MDC has been a HUGE, important part of my life now for 3.5 years. HUGE. Oh-and I'm so happy your little one is fine now. AND DS, who had much more minor issues right at birth, had to sleep RIGHT ON TOP OF ME, too. Pretty much for almost 18 months!

alkenny-Thanks again for giving me the extra push to work to connect more with DH. Your posts are encouraging that.

Oh-and another thing here-co-sleeping right now, when we're really realizing how much we miss our own space, our own place for US only, is really rough. I don't think that things are going to change overnight, and at this point (older DS is now almost 4) I realize that he might just be staying put until he chooses to go to his own bed. And right now, that makes me a bit said. There's no place to escape the high-needs and challenges of my son. Seriously. We have tough days, and then I just don't want to be that physically close to him at night some nights. But I guess this is another thread.

afishwithabike-Yes, adult conversation is what I'm jonesing for most days! It has been soooooo nice having DH here a few extra days over the holidays. And I think part of that, besides the obvious part of having the extra hands, is that I can say, "Oh, did you hear about such and such?" Or, "I was listening to NPR this mornign and blah-blah-blah". Can't really talk about the important stuff with a 4 year old and a 16 mos old.

huggerwocky-I can imagine that some of the nuances of this SAHM social interaction is extra hard for you. But keep in mind that from this thread alone (and many others here at MDC) it seems like it's rough for so many of us for sooo many reasons. Are there activities that your DC is involved with that the parents attend? Any other kind of support groups in your area? Something you're interested in during your "free" time?

briansmama-You're reminding me that DH and I used to do these sorts of things all the time. We need to get back to it, really, really do.

GTg.More when I can. Thanks, mamas.
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Old 01-05-2006, 06:57 AM
 
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I'm a new SAHM (dd is 2mo)
The "newness" hasn't worn off yet, but I can see myself in your shoes!
MDC helps!
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Old 01-07-2006, 02:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Jen,
and thanks for your reply. MDC does help- A LOT!
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Old 01-07-2006, 02:53 AM
 
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I haven't had time to read through absolutely everyone's posts, but I definitely relate. Especially since August. Before that, I worked part-time from the time dd was 2 months old. Then I started my own business and when I quit my part-time job that childcare funds dried up. It has been really hard for me (both to find time to do my work and to not get lonely). Although, I also get bored a lot of the time. I adore my daughter, she charms me in so many ways each day, but it is also a huge challenge many days dealing with a creature who, for the most part, cannot yet be reasoned with. And I don't like playing toddler games all day. I like reading to her and we interact, of course, but I really crave adult conversation and the feeling that you get when you are experience "flow" in your work.

At the job I had right before dd was born, we had daily morning coffee breaks where we'd just sit around and talk about trashy tv, pop culture, play "guess who died" and stupid stuff like that. And I worked at a place where I felt like my coworkers were "like me"--had similar senses of humor, etc. I had NO idea how much I would miss this, but it is the single biggest thing from my former daily life that I miss.
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Old 01-08-2006, 10:44 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bearsmama
Hi Mamas,

I'll work backwards here-thank you to everyone who posted. Again, it's always comforting to know I'm not the only mama with these feelings.

wurzel-It's so rough. I'm happy to hear that you've developed some friendships that you are happy with. I think your post is a great example of getting our of ourselves a bit-getting over our *ideas* of the perfect frie nd, or relationship. Oh, and MDC has been a HUGE, important part of my life now for 3.5 years. HUGE. Oh-and I'm so happy your little one is fine now. AND DS, who had much more minor issues right at birth, had to sleep RIGHT ON TOP OF ME, too. Pretty much for almost 18 months!

GTg.More when I can. Thanks, mamas.

Hi bearsmama,

I just came back and re-read this post as I didn't remember exactly what I had written. On thursday I had to realize that I am back to where I had been one year ago :

It's my dds' birthday this week (on Jan.,12) and we had planned on a family get-together on this day and I wanted to rent our family center for saturday to celebrate w/the other moms and their children. I wanted this to be low-key and nothing fancy, just plain nice. Well, daid thursday we met for the first time after the winter holidays and I had to overhear several conversations about b-day celebrations, get-togethers, trips and such all the other made during that time - together! I was sitting there and just tought - 'Well, it seems as if I am *not* that much a part of this group as I felt to be.' Of course it was not always all of them at once but nevertheless I haven`t been asked. And this wasn't the first time! As I wrote in my other post we live right next to the playground. Most of the time some of us often met by incident there but there had been times when I came there just to see a huge bunch of them sitting and chatting there - and no one asked me beforehand if I'd like to come as well : Since I was the newbie I never paid much attention to it. But speaking to my husband on thursday we had to realize that they somewhat like be but that I am not a part of their group.
DD is starting in a waldorf kindergarten tomorrow and will be going there every thursday and friday until we build up to 5 days a week this coming summer/autumn. I hope to find some new friends there who can accept that even a young mom can be taken seriously and that being a bit crunchy isn't bad. Some moms whom I already know have children who also go there and I hope to deepen my relationship to them since I like them both a lot.
I cried for the first time since last year on thursday because the whole thing wore me out a lot!

My husband and my BIL both felt deeply sorry for me and we agreed that my age is really an issue; I am 23, most of the other moms are in their mid-30s or even beginning 40s. And - if I like someone I give all my heart. This was not the first time that I had been saddned by a so-called 'friend' and my husband has witnessed this several times.

But I am happy to say that my dear other friend S will always stand by me! Even when she started working last year and we weren't able to see each other for 3 months our friendship stood strong. We talked over the phone once or twice a month and still felt close to each other. I really : her a lot and I *know* that she does as well because she told me during the christmas holidays

As you said - the perfect friend might initially not exist. But it's worth finding someone who you can talk to no matter what since he or she might turn out to be the *almost* percet one!

Just like you have have to start once again. I'd love to have more contact w/you since a have a feeling that we could be a lot likeminded - maybe wepm each other!?

Hope to hear from you soon,
Valerie

PS: Of course I will not celebrate dds' b-day w/all the other moms on saturday. It saddens me as I love celebrations but it's simply not worth it. We will meet w/my dear friend S, her dh and their son since both kids are just a day apart and make an after-celebration for the two of them.
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Old 01-08-2006, 12:44 PM
 
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Old 01-10-2006, 12:18 PM
 
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lonliness has been a huge issue for me too. I stay home and homeschool. My kids are to old for playgroups also. We homeschool and there are a ton of local groups but we aren't religious and most of the groups require that you be christians. I did find one homeschool group that I love but I love it mostly for my kids-and even though I really like the moms in the group I don't think that we are going to be close friends or anything most of them are really active and busy and we only see each other at meetings. Actually given time I may become really close friends with them-until then though...
I guess I would just like to find a few women who live close to me who don't get that funny look on their face when I mention homebirth-I am preggo right now so it comes up-or homeschooling or herb gardening. Dh works a lot and even the time we spend together is not what I need-he is actually supportive and understanding about this issue but I need a woman friend or two. I am glad to have found this place-it leads me to really believe there are others out there like me.
feeling whiney and blue because it is winter and raining...can't wait for spring!

gretchen

ps how do you make those neat little signatures?

mother, wife, sister, friend--step mom to one grown man and mommy to 3 boys-ages 19, 10 and 4
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Old 01-10-2006, 06:08 PM
 
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Lonliness is an issue for me too!!! We moved 400 miles away from our family and friends over the summer. I am a SAHM with our 4 y/o DS. We joined the YMCA preschool and the neighborhood playgroup and story time at the library, etc. I still feel lonely. Most days I feel like I am back in high school trying to break into a clique halfway through the school year!
It really doesn't help I am a mix of crunchy and mainstream. So I am usually too crunchy for the mainstream mamas and too mainstream for the crunchy mamas.

I know how you feel Wurzelkind! I keep waiting for someone from our playgroup to call and invite DS to play, but nobody ever does. There are only a couple kids from playgroup that we get together with occasionally, but I have to do the inviting.

Sorry for the ramble I have the post-holiday blues. I am really glad that they are over, but this is the first full week of my DH back to work and gettingback into the regular routine has been difficult. Also we have not seen the sun in about a month and it is killing me!!! Please let us have an early spring!

Mom to Zach eat.gif , 2 cat.gif, 1dog2.gif, and a whole lot of goldfish.gif!!!! 
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