Feeling Down - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 01-07-2006, 01:32 AM - Thread Starter
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Hi everyone. I'm Megan, mom to two wonderful kids. I finished my degree last April and have been staying at home with my 3 year old daughter since. On Aug. 31, I had a beautiful baby boy. I'm so happy with the decision to stay home with my children. It's funny how my career plans didn't seem so important once I became a mommy.

I'm planning on starting a home daycare when my son is a bit older.

My problem is with my husband and I. I do not feel close to him at all. I also do not feel physically attracted to him. I almost feel dead inside when I think of us as a couple. I feel a lot of resentment towards my dh as he doesn't help much with the kids. He will do things if I specifically ask him for help but otherwise he just does his own thing (basically watches tv or plays hockey a few times per week). I feel that he is not understanding and he makes little comments about things that really upset me. For instance, I asked him to bring home an elliptical trainer (he can use one for free from his work). I hate using it and it really hurts my knees. Dh was complaining about the mess in the basement and how cluttered it is. I told him to bring back the elliptical trainer and we'd have more room. He said that I should use it since it is here and I told him that I just wasn't into it. As I was walking away, he said, "well then just keep getting bigger and bigger". I was livid! How insensitive can you get? He always makes little cutting remarks like this and when I get upset he tells me to "deal with it" and that he shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around me.

I'm sorry this is so long. I think I just needed to vent as I don't really know if there is any solution for how I'm feeling.
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#2 of 3 Old 01-07-2006, 02:13 AM
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I suggest couples counseling. It sounds like your marriage needs some work, most do from time to time. And it is a really unbalancing thing to a lot of couples to have one person staying at home. To generalize, often the SAHM is left feeling like she needs a lot of validation from her husband, because that's the only adult feedback she gets. And the WOHH developes all these unreal beliefs about how great it is to stay home (I love SAH, but I know I work HARD too) and how the SAHM should sort of be a live in Maid, nanny and super mom all in one.

I'd start with making a date with your dh, get a sitter and get out for dinner or something and try to start working on reconnecting. Marriage is hard, it takes a lot of work.


Laura, Mama to Mya 7/02, Ian 6/07 and Anna 8/09
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#3 of 3 Old 01-10-2006, 11:55 AM
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I think it is kind of a normal and ongoing transition to deal with these feelings while staying at home with your children. If you are not careful, you will lose a part of yourself-and the partner who 'goes to work' just doesn't get it, because they can only see that you get to 'sit' home all day. While it certainly beats getting up every morning to 'go to work', it can be a very isolating experience.

Now....I am learning that while it's not supposed to be the best way to handle things, taking a passive-aggressive action plan is really working around here. I felt I was wasting my breath, trying to explain my feelings to him, and and he wasn't all that interested, and was getting tired of my nagging. Now, when I get feeling down about his attitude, I find a creative way to get my point across.

In your shoes, I would lock on the fitness comment, and use it as a great opening to do something nice for myself. However, I wouldn't work out on the ET in the basement, which would be further isolating, I would join Weight Watchers, or a gym so that I could go out of the house to get my socialization time, while he sits at home with the kids. Really, by telling you to 'deal with it', he is giving you a free reign to do whatever it takes to make you feel better.

As far as your feelings for him are concerned, I believe that focusing on your physical and emotional well-being might improve your outlook. It sounds like you are not happy, and somehow are depending on him to fix that-but most men are incapable of nurturing us the way we need it--so you must nurture yourself.
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