I can totally understand this.
I just want to share something that happened to me just yesterday that made me want to cry and run away--far far away.
Once a week, I take my two kids (one is 2 and one is now on the verge of 4) to a little music class where they sing songs and do little games in a circle with me helping them each step of the way. They are slowly outgrowing this--we've been doing it for about a year.
We pay a lot of money for this class. It's first thing in the morning. It's a half an hour drive from our house.
Yesterday, I took the hour that it seems to take to get them ready (all at the same time--with no one taking off their shoes as I am putting shoes on the other one--taking off their coat, while I am putting a coat on the other one--no one pooping in their diaper that I just freakin' changed OR having to pee in the potty as we are trying to finally get out the door--or me forgetting my deodorant and feeling like I should run back in the house really quickly or else I might smell--etc., etc.,--get the diaper bag packed with fresh water sippy cups or a banana and then of course the phone rings--you get the point)...
We get all the way there--and for some reason, my 2 yo ds starts crying as we get out of the car. And I mean throw-yourself-on-the-ground-snot coming-out-of-the-nose-on-the-verge-of-vomit crying and screaming. I have no idea why. My dd then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want to go in (I think she saw him crying and just decided that was it--and I think it really upset her).
So I spend ten minutes trying to get him to calm down, all the while my dd is saying she wants to go home. Finally, I decide that--you know what--this isn't getting any better--we need to go home. By now the class is almost over, and we've spent the whole time in the parking lot with my ds screaming and who knows what all the other parents must have thought (not that I really care, but come on, it does make the blood pressure rise and it is a little embarrassing).
Finally we left. After all of that work to get them ready and get there--we just left. It was an exercise in futility. It was such a worthless morning and I just couldn't believe it. An hour to get ready, a half an hour to get there, 20 minutes in the parking (including getting in and out of the carseats time), and then a half an hour home. Worthless--time wasted.
My ds fell asleep in the car on the way home, even though he had slept somewhat fine the night before (had his usual up for a few minutes) but overall nothing was out of the ordinary.
I have no point, other than to tell you, I get it. Days like this make me feel like what I do is almost worthless--after all, just think of all of the other things I could do instead of this. We are going to drop our little class--this was the last nail in the coffin, I think, only because I can tell that they have been a little less interested and they (especially my dd) are outgrowing it.
But I didn't think it would be drastic an ending. In fact, I had fantasized that we would tell the teacher that we were finally moving on, my kids would hug her and she would tell me how terrific they have been over the last year.
And I think fantasy has a lot to do with some of the disappointing things that happen in my life as a mother. I always promised myself that I would be better at it than my mom (and in some ways, I am)...but there are so many things that I feel like I fail at--and to compound the feelings of failure, I have always thought being a mom was easy and natural. I find myself eating my own words and feeling ashamed of that whole feeling.
Anyway, I get it...I really do. No words of wisdom, just thought my story would cheer you up, so if nothing else, you know you are not alone.