Gee, This Is Original: Meltdown - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 18 Old 01-12-2006, 06:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So many of the same types of threads are here, and I've had these feelings myself before. It's obviously a common theme for SAHMs (and WOHMs too, I'm sure, and moms who do neither), but that doesn't make the feelings any less acute right now.

I feel so angrysadgriefstrickenselfpitying. This is my life: subpar sleep (our nearly 1-yr-old still gets up at least two times a night), constant working when my H is home (I freelance, so watch her during days, he watches her during evenings), and little money to show for it.

My leisure activities

Gotta love it. I was interrupted by a quiet kid who, when I check on her, is eating shit off the floor, and when I try to get the goodies out of her mouth, tries to bite me, then throws a fit

include LLL (2x monthly) and once-weekly PPD support group. THOSE are my leisure activities.

Serenity &(%&$ now.

I can't have a conversation that doesn't revolve around my kid. I can't get on top of the cleaning or laundry. I can't find time to have a conversation with my husband. And this is all with my MIL watching her for 8 hours a week.

Sometimes I...oof. Sometimes this sucks so much I can't even begin to explain the rage I feel inside. (That's my weird way: anger when I feel threatened, sad, whatever.)

I don't even need responses. Definitely not suggestions. if one more &($&% person tells me to "go on a date" or "do something for [myself]," I'm going to crack.
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#2 of 18 Old 01-12-2006, 06:19 PM
 
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Just posting to say I know it. Esp. today. When will I have normal sleep? Sigh.

Love you siggy.

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#3 of 18 Old 01-12-2006, 06:25 PM
 
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Hey, no suggestions from me. I'm in the same emotional boat, kind of. Anger/rage seems to be my default setting lately (though I try very very hard to suppress it, which only manages to distill the anger/rage into a more acceptable snippy passive-aggressiveness).

But you wrote a post I enjoyed reading. Does that count for anything? (I mean it was well-written, not that I took enjoyment in your anguish.)

I must ask, though, for clarification's sake: Was it actual shit your child was eating? If so, then oh my. My child (14 months) hasn't done that one...yet.

"Doing something for yourself", that oft-advised solution, just does not cut it, does it? Even when I try to do so, something always screws up my plans.

Anyway, nothing coherent or helpful from me, I'm afraid. But, you're not alone in your feelings, I don't think. If I really admitted the depths of my anger, self-pity, and rage, I think people would be horrified. And I'm not sure what to do about it.

I wish I had something more supportive to say! Ah well. You caught me on a bad day.
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#4 of 18 Old 01-12-2006, 06:40 PM
 
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"Perfect" parents aside (of which I am not one LOL), I don't know anyone who hasn't felt something similiar to that at one point or another, usually more than one point or another.

Unfortunately, my suggestions would probably not be well recieved on this site. DH and I make time for each other when he gets home from work. He greets all the kids as they are chomping at the bit to have a piece of him, changes his clothes and then I get him for 15 mins or so. We tell the kids, "This is Mommy and Daddy's time to talk." and they need to respect that for the 15 mins. Sometimes it's shorter, if the kids are occupied it can go longer. But it is well defined time that we will not compromise. Because shortly after it's the whirlwind of the evening with dinner, bath, games/stories and bed. Then DH and I reconnect after the kids are asleep (see, we aren't co-sleepers either, told ya no one would like it ) and have some time together to just talk and hang out.

I also make it a point to go out once a week in the evening and do something I enjoy. I feel no guilt, I can't afford it. DH is free to do the same whenever he wants to. It's important for us to have our own time. It's much harder for us to get time together outside the house. That happens maybe 3x's a year, when my Mom volunteers to babysit. But we do make sure that both of us get out with friends or on our own fairly regularly.

It's also important for me to keep up on world events and pop culture so that I can talk about things other than my kids when I'm out with "normal" (LOL) people.


Doing these things helps me hold on to my sanity when it's really rough. I can say, "Well, I know that on Thursday I'm going to go out for a bit and just *be*."
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#5 of 18 Old 01-12-2006, 07:30 PM
 
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I have had days, even weeks or months like that. No one said that it would be easy, but I had no idea how hard it would be. Not just the physical demands of no sleep, baby holding, toddler wrestling. But it's also hard emotionally and mentally. I have an active mind and I have to keep it stimulated. Even if it's just NPR or watching a snatch of Discovery Channel, or hoarding my book in the bathroom when dh gets home. I have some free movie tickets and sometime this weekend I'm going to catch a movie. By myself. And that's okay. I might even go to the bookstore and browse for awhile after the movie.

Every time I get too resentful, I imagine if my child wasn't in my life at all. I think about moms who have lost children, who would give anything to pull dead crickets out of their toddler's mouth, wipe poop off the floor, have a 4yo sass to them. My second dd is a survivor and it's *hard* to deal with her problems and I think "I never asked for this, *she* never asked for this." But if I didn't have her in my life, even with all the vomit and meds and everything else, I would have a such a void there.

I do hope that things get easier for you soon. ((HUGS))

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#6 of 18 Old 01-12-2006, 10:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks all. I do appreciate your validation (I appreciate the compliments, too. I love that magnet; it has a picture of a little 50s-era girl on it, all smiley. I hang my daughter's photo with it. And well written, eh? Thanks! Nothing like a little stream of consciousness to suck somebody in.)

When we were deep in the ritual hazing of having a newborn, I vividly recall telling my husband that I had thought about losing her at that point, and while it would make day-to-day things easier (in terms of sleep, etc), it would, in fact, leave a major void.

Never has anything come close to being as simultaneously taxing and energizing, or as maddeningly mudane and wonderful.
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#7 of 18 Old 01-13-2006, 02:40 AM
 
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ive been feeling really trapped lately i have a 17 month old and a 2 month old and no car. and its winter,
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#8 of 18 Old 01-13-2006, 02:55 AM
 
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sign me up with this tribe.
two SN 5 yo and a dh who has no frigen clue and who worlds ALL the time anyways and no funds for much. yeah. I feel you there.
I am living more and more 'inside my head'. distant. closed off. this is NOT how I want to spend my life with my children.

I have made a commitment to myself to do WHATEVER I Can go 'get it'.

whatever that is.
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#9 of 18 Old 01-17-2006, 09:53 PM
 
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I've been angry a lot lately. Very irritable. Very envious of my DH, who seems to think that his life should go on relatively the same as it always had. Oh yeah, that really pisses me off more than anything.

My "social life" is about the same as yours. I wish I could hook up with someone who is in about the same situation, but so far I haven't had any luck (and this isn't a very big city). The monotony of my life really gets to me sometimes.

Mama to Marcus (1/05) and Arianna (3/10). hbac.gif

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#10 of 18 Old 01-17-2006, 11:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zannster
The monotony of my life really gets to me sometimes.
no THIS i can totally completely relate to. i've been just thinking lately ALOT about this. it's a bummer

Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids. treehugger.gif

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#11 of 18 Old 01-17-2006, 11:08 PM
 
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No suggestions, just know we ALL have been there. If there is one parent in the whole world who says they have never felt this way, they are either perfect or a good liar, LOL.

I homeschool one son, another has Autism and goes to school, and we have a baby who is 1 tomorrow. I also work part time from home, and do just about everything else around here. There are some days my husband comes home and I leave for a couple of hours. My son with Autism sometimes will get up at 4 am and want to be up for the day. My baby will sometimes want to play until midnight. Thankfully, all 3 sleep well for the most part, but it always seems to go to hell when I do not feel well or are upset anyway, or really need to get something done.

I totally understand.
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#12 of 18 Old 01-18-2006, 11:41 AM
 
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I understand too. I just went on and on about our "daily schedule" and "weekly rhythms" on another thread and after I read my post I thought who IS this person???

When ds and I put on music to dance this
talking heads song is usually what I pick. Ds just likes the beat, but it makes me so friggin' sad. I mean, I can just really relate.

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Acorn Dolls~Wool Felt Crowns~Children's Craft Kits~Shooting Stars~Dancing Fairy Rings~Come On Over and Play!
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#13 of 18 Old 01-18-2006, 01:03 PM
 
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I can totally understand this.
I just want to share something that happened to me just yesterday that made me want to cry and run away--far far away.

Once a week, I take my two kids (one is 2 and one is now on the verge of 4) to a little music class where they sing songs and do little games in a circle with me helping them each step of the way. They are slowly outgrowing this--we've been doing it for about a year.
We pay a lot of money for this class. It's first thing in the morning. It's a half an hour drive from our house.

Yesterday, I took the hour that it seems to take to get them ready (all at the same time--with no one taking off their shoes as I am putting shoes on the other one--taking off their coat, while I am putting a coat on the other one--no one pooping in their diaper that I just freakin' changed OR having to pee in the potty as we are trying to finally get out the door--or me forgetting my deodorant and feeling like I should run back in the house really quickly or else I might smell--etc., etc.,--get the diaper bag packed with fresh water sippy cups or a banana and then of course the phone rings--you get the point)...
We get all the way there--and for some reason, my 2 yo ds starts crying as we get out of the car. And I mean throw-yourself-on-the-ground-snot coming-out-of-the-nose-on-the-verge-of-vomit crying and screaming. I have no idea why. My dd then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want to go in (I think she saw him crying and just decided that was it--and I think it really upset her).

So I spend ten minutes trying to get him to calm down, all the while my dd is saying she wants to go home. Finally, I decide that--you know what--this isn't getting any better--we need to go home. By now the class is almost over, and we've spent the whole time in the parking lot with my ds screaming and who knows what all the other parents must have thought (not that I really care, but come on, it does make the blood pressure rise and it is a little embarrassing).
Finally we left. After all of that work to get them ready and get there--we just left. It was an exercise in futility. It was such a worthless morning and I just couldn't believe it. An hour to get ready, a half an hour to get there, 20 minutes in the parking (including getting in and out of the carseats time), and then a half an hour home. Worthless--time wasted.
My ds fell asleep in the car on the way home, even though he had slept somewhat fine the night before (had his usual up for a few minutes) but overall nothing was out of the ordinary.

I have no point, other than to tell you, I get it. Days like this make me feel like what I do is almost worthless--after all, just think of all of the other things I could do instead of this. We are going to drop our little class--this was the last nail in the coffin, I think, only because I can tell that they have been a little less interested and they (especially my dd) are outgrowing it.
But I didn't think it would be drastic an ending. In fact, I had fantasized that we would tell the teacher that we were finally moving on, my kids would hug her and she would tell me how terrific they have been over the last year.
And I think fantasy has a lot to do with some of the disappointing things that happen in my life as a mother. I always promised myself that I would be better at it than my mom (and in some ways, I am)...but there are so many things that I feel like I fail at--and to compound the feelings of failure, I have always thought being a mom was easy and natural. I find myself eating my own words and feeling ashamed of that whole feeling.

Anyway, I get it...I really do. No words of wisdom, just thought my story would cheer you up, so if nothing else, you know you are not alone.
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#14 of 18 Old 01-18-2006, 01:23 PM
 
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wow. that is one depressing story granollly-girl
sigh ...

Midwifery student , Mama to my 4 amazing kids. treehugger.gif

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#15 of 18 Old 01-18-2006, 03:53 PM
 
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Yeah, for me it's the lack of sleep that kills me, and then all I want is caffeine, really bad, and then the caffiene kicks my anxiety in, and then i can't sleep well the next night either, and then the cycle goes on and on downward...

My 14mo dd is teething and spent the last night nursing ALL NIGHT LONG without a break, i would just shift her from one side to the other when my back seized up completely on the current side. I remember this from when my Ds was a baby, and the sleeplessness used to kill me.

So I didn't enven manage to get out of the house TO the LLL meeting this morning and now it is 11am and we are all still in our jammies, and I am plotting how to get us out of the house to the coffee shop...anyway, I feel you...

"MY best interest?...How can YOU say what MY best interest is?...When I went to YOUR schools, I went to YOUR churches, I went to YOUR institutional learning facilities."-ST
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#16 of 18 Old 01-18-2006, 04:23 PM
 
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Yes -- I have felt that. When my children were very little I lost track of the knowlege that the phase in my OWN life was temporary. I don't know if maybe it would have helped to remember that my life could not always be about shit and exhaustion. They do grow up! I think maybe it would have helped if I could have fully grasp the *temporariness* of the situation.

My kids are 5 and 9. There are still days like that. But by and large, I'm waking up to a new reality. I can pick and choose (to some extent) to spend my days doing a larger proportion of things I LIKE to do, and a smaller proportion of things I hate doing.
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#17 of 18 Old 01-18-2006, 06:21 PM
 
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I found a lot of solice in reading this book "the Myth of the Bad Mother" by Jane Swiegert.

It is about the job of nurturing and how hard it is. I don't know why but reading it helps me a lot. Also it talks about the process of nurturing children as they grow up and that helps me to remember that this will pass.

What I find hardest of all is I feel that no one wants to hear how hard it is to be home caring for children all day. You are "lucky" and there is no room to complain and if you do complain there are people just itching to judge you or devalue the commitment you make in staying home by suggesting daycare as a solution.

It is hard but it does get easier. Every month feels easier. Already I can see my toddler is going to be going to preschool soon and I will be alone with the baby (in a year) and that breaks my heart too...how can this job be so hard and I can feel so ready to chuck it all and yet my heart breaks to think of it ending?
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#18 of 18 Old 01-21-2006, 09:52 AM
 
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Oh, ladies, thank you for this thread. I am so relieved to hear that other mamas have these feelings, too. I'm adjusting to a newborn with a 20-mos old toddler, and it has been really hard. The endlessness of it all just really gets to me sometimes. Not being able to reliably do the most mundane things, like shower every morning, is so hard on my mental state! I know it will pass. I remember feeling this way when DD was a newborn, and that seems so long ago now. But, when you're in the moment, sometimes it's hard to see beyond it. Hugs to all of us!
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