Mothering Forum banner

How do you survive when dh travels?

1K views 24 replies 20 participants last post by  mahamum 
#1 ·
I'm about to be faced w/ two weeks alone. no family in town. My oldest watches videos, but my 18 month old doesn't watch tv at all (which I think is a gift, but sometimes it's difficult for me).

Any suggestions, especially for night time.....how to put two to bed at same time. Very tough for me.
 
#3 ·
What things are you worried about specifically? I know that I start to feel overwhelmed in the evening, particularly because dh isn't home to give me a break. That's when I put everyone down to bed early
In a lot of ways, being alone is good. I don't worry so much about cooked meals, which is nice. I also enjoy having time to myself after the kids are asleep. I like to read or surf the net or even clean without interruptions.

I'm sure we can help more if you let us know what your challenges are
 
#4 ·
Well, how to get time to myself? Take a shower? Get dishes done etc. Not lose my mind. My 3 year old is very easy-going and can do things by herself, but my 18 mo old is quite adventuresome and can hurt herself prettyeasily. Our basement is unfinished and a disaster so I don't want to take them down there when I do laundry.

Neither one of them are big sleepers too. There is no going to sleep early here (I'm very jealous of anyone who can do that). I can get them both down about 10pm and then I'm exhausted and I wake up when they do.

I love being a sahm, but I also love when my dh gets off work. I don't know if it's tough on me bc of me, or it is their age.
Thanks for your help!
 
#5 ·
Well I work part time these days but I was a SAHM for quite awhile. When ds was 4 months old dh deployed for 4 months. I'm not saying it was a walk in the park but I got through it. During the day just keep busy. I would go the mall and window shop, meet up with friends, try to find new friends, new playgroups, go to the park, etc. At night I always made sure I took an hour for just "me time" even if it was late and all I really wanted to do was sleep. For me the "me time" was more important than that extra hour of sleep.

Now ds is 2 yrs old and dh is deployed again. I do work but it's in the late afternoons/early evenings so I still have a large portion of the day to try and fill my time with and get things done. I have ds help me with the housework. He hands me laundry to put in the washer and then later I hand him the stuff from the washer and he tosses it in the dryer (but sometimes he just takes off with it! lol). He hands me the dishes from the dishwasher, follows me around with his little broom, etc. For things that I need to get done without him in my hair I use an ergo and put him on my back. As for taking a shower I usually either turn on the TV which he will watch, do it during his nap, or do it while he's sleeping at night. However if none of those worked I would just bring him in the shower with me and kill 2 birds with one stone so to speak. Put him in the tub with you and give him some watercolor paints to mess around with while you do your stuff, then you can scrub him up, and go on with your day.

I think one of the biggest issues is that I've learned that life is the hardest the first 2-3 weeks that dh leaves. After that you start to form your own routines and habits that make your life easier. So when you have a dh that only leaves for a week or two at a time it's almost harder in some ways because you never get to find your groove. Of course I would love for my dh to be one of those dh's that only left for a few weeks! I'm just putting a positive spin on my own situation I guess lol.

Oh and take life easy. My ds has cereal for dinner on many nights, as do I. You don't have to be super mom and make sure the house is spotless and everyone has their alotted servings of veggies for the day. Just do what you need to do to survive, keep the kids alive, and be as stress free as possible. In the end you'll be proud that you did so well.
 
#6 ·
Put your 18 month old in the shower with you and put a video on for the 3 year old.

I get out of the house every day, whether it's the library, the zoo, a playdate, get out.

In a way at times it's nice just being the 3 of us, the kids can eat yogurt and cereal for dinner, or cheese and apples, have you tried giving cheese and apples to dh for dinner?


We adjust our pace and mindset. I find at times I'm actually calmer when he's not here, I have to adjust to an "oh well" attitude more, because nobody is going to come rescue me at 6. KWIM?

My kids are still rough sleepers it stinks period, no matter who is home.
 
#7 ·
When my DD was first born (and up until she was about 1.5) my DH was on the road for 1 out of every 3 weeks. When I could, I would pick up, and head to visit my parents, and that helped a lot. DD got very good a long car drives (my parents are a 4-5 hour drive away). When that wasn't an option, we would just try to stay as involved and busy as we could. It did get lonely though. DH hasn't been on the road since before DS was born though, so I haven't experienced life alone with 2 yet... though it looks like that may happen sometime soon. Maybe we should start a tribe for SAHMs who's husbands are on the road a lot? Would be nice to have a 'place' to go to talk to people who understand.
 
#8 ·
My dh was gone for four months during the past year- I had a 3yo and a 1yo. It was tough at first... but once we got in a good groove, it was nice in some ways. Simple meals, our own schedules, and... KNOWING nobody was coming to rescue me at 6pm made a difference in my mindset. So I just let go, and did the best I could. We had a great time, actually. Knowing it was just the three of us, we did fun stuff, went to see friends, did a lot of kid-friendly stuff... following our own schedule. And the experience made me stronger as a mama, knowing I could do it by myself, and now I find myself a bit more confident and comfortable in my parenting. Which helps because my dh works crazy hours and we don't see him very much these days.

But what helped....

I really stuck to a strict dinner/dishes/bedtime schedule. I still do, actually, since dh works nights. We have dinner from 4-5, and I always do dishes RIGHT after dinner, no matter what- the kitchen is clean every night. The girls are always asleep around 8pm, sometimes earlier. This is what saves my sanity. Nighttime is when I have time to myself. For baths, internet, talking on the phone, reading, crafting, whatever.

Make the house as safe and child-friendly as possible, so you don;t have to be super-super vigilant on watching the kids. Make it totally safe, as much as possible, so you are free to do things in other rooms and check in on the kids occassionally.

Having great carriers- when dh was gone, I bought myself a mei tai and a wrap. When I was comfortably able to carry my babe on my back- I could be more free to play with my older girl. We could go out to town or take hikes and have fun!
 
#9 ·
I just want to second all the suggestions that everyone else has said. I find it easier when my husband is gone for long periods of time, he had periods of being deployed for 60 days. Now he is gone for four days or weeks at a time, every week. It sometimes makes me crazy and then I get back to basics. We go for days without laundry getting done, floors getting cleaned, but I do try to clean the kitchen every night before I go to bed because that is important to me. My biggest frustration is trying to exercise. DD #2 is twenty months and not a great napper so it is nothing I can rely on. I just do a half an hour of cleaning up at night and that's it. During the day, we are out and with friends as much as possible. I am a little flexible with the night time routine on those days we are out because friends are very helpful and have us over for dinner. It also helps me to think about the week and what is scheduled for particular days so the week as a whole does not seem overwhelming.

You'll get through it.
 
#11 ·
My dh is often gone for 2 weeks at a time (with the military), and I know how hard it can be. I only have one dc, which I know isn't quite the same as the challenges of 2!

The older ds has gotten, the harder it has gotten. He's so much more "into" daddy now, that he's much more aware of his absence. Much easier when he was younger and only cared if mommy (and milk) were right there! I've noticed that the longer it's been since daddy left, the worse his behavior gets. Little things become huge obstacles and meltdowns are more frequent. This last time (a couple of weeks ago), I traced his hand onto paper, and cut out enough copies so that there was a finger for each day. I wrote the days on them, and taped them to a wall. Every day he could fold down a finger, and see how many more days/fingers left 'til daddy came home. It *really* seemed to help him, and he was able to have something to focus on.

We cosleep, so ds goes to sleep when I do. I make sure to set the alarm and get up earlier in order to get my shower in. He's much more likely to sleep without me there in the morning than he is at night, so this works for us.

Get out of the house every day, if possible. Meet up with other people and kids, so that there's someone else for the kiddos to interact with. Being the sole target of the non-stop chatter can be very wearing, so I tried very hard to make sure we got lots of social time in with others. This helps me feel not as drained by the end of the day.

Breakfast and lunch seemed to go like always (since dh is usually gone for those meals anyway). Dinner always is hard, but I just tried to be very flexible about it. The meal itself is never as structured as it would be with dh home, but we make sure to sit at the table together and have our chats.

One thing that really helped me this last time was that I was much more flexible about the evenings. We just played each night by ear...sometimes we watched a movie together, sometimes we read books for over an hour, sometimes we went to the neighborhood park or took the dog for a long walk.

Good luck!
 
#12 ·
Putting them to bed is tough. I put them both down at the same time . My younger one nurses to sleep and the older can fall asleep on her own, although I am sitting on her bed nursing her sister. I strictly follow the bedtime routine, bath, pjs, play, stories bed. they know what to expect. If my older one has difficulty falling asleep I can help her after I get the little one to bed. It is much easier now that the younger one is sleeping better but we have been through some very difficult nights. I use lots of chocolate.
 
#13 ·
How timely since dh is in San Francisco for a week! (This week we're spending a lot of time being lazy since I'm afraid to do anything strenuous and bring on early labor while he's gone!)

We try to have special time when dh is gone. We sort of have a ritual where we all curl up on the couch together and watch Harry Potter! Tomorrow night we're making a Harry Potter "tent" (an HP sheet over chairs with an HP blanket for the floor), they're putting on their HP robes and we're having a picnic in the "tent" and then curling up on the couch to watch HP! Now - HP might not be your thing, but it might be fun to come up with your own "ritual." Maybe it would be the time to have a bubble bath with the kiddos. As for bedtime - that's a little tough. Maybe you could all lie down in bed to watch a movie. You said the little one doesn't like TV, but will she watch a movie if you're watching, too? That might give you a little down time (as well as snuggle time) to relax and get everybody in bed at a decent time.

Good luck. It's such a pain when dh goes on trips. My dh normally travels once a month. Last year he went to Prague for two weeks. At the end of the first week, I said that he couldn't go for more than one week at a time - period! Luckily, his boss is very family friendly and "gets it." Also, luckily, when he gets back he won't be leaving again until after mid-September (also my "restrictions" this time due to baby's impending arrival!). Okay, so I'm just starting to ramble now........
 
#14 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MommyDOK
I'm about to be faced w/ two weeks alone. no family in town. My oldest watches videos, but my 18 month old doesn't watch tv at all (which I think is a gift, but sometimes it's difficult for me).

Any suggestions, especially for night time.....how to put two to bed at same time. Very tough for me.
I hire help. I don't have family here, either, and my DH travels once in a while - last time for 5 days, and right now he is gone for 6 days.

How about hiring/bartering with a mother's helper/friend to come over in the evenings and help with dinner prep and kitchen clean-up so you can focus on getting the childen fed and the bathtime and the bedtime routine? The mother's helper could also just make a sweep through the house and clean up/pick up for the end of the day, so you aren't left with a tornado before going to bed yourself.
Then at least when the children are in bed, the kitchen is all cleaned up, the house straightened up and you can relax. Just an idea...

And do consider bartering if money is an issue - I have bartered help like this with friends - I can sew, so I've bartered sewing. Once I had an extra fridge sitting around and bartered that to a friend who needed a fridge when I needed some extra help. Bartering is cool!
 
#15 ·
My dh has been gone now about 3 weeks, only 1 1/2 more to go. It IS hard. I do feel lonely and tired. But I also feel good that I can do it. I relax on the cleaning a bit more (the dustbunnies are multiplying) and do easier meals like the other moms said. We don't spend that much time away from home though. We do have a kiddie pool that we play in almost every afternoon (it's big enough for all 3 of us). My 2 are 8 and 4 so that helps a lot now; it used to be much tougher. I take little mini breaks like now. Is there an activity you could set up for them to do while you read, surf, etc? Like squeezing bread dough, "painting" with pudding (right on the hi-chair works well), or even a special toy you get out only when you need a break. I find a can take a mini break at bath time sitting on the floor by the tub... but I'm not sure it would work with an 18 month old.
 
#16 ·
I try to make things easier on myself by not making full dinners (I do more short order stuff like soup from a can with grilled cheese) and trying to do something fun with my kids each day--like going to the library. I also rent chick flicks that I know my husband would not love to watch, and watch them after the kids go to bed.

I know it is not easy
 
#17 ·
I am going through this right now. I have a 9mo and a 2.5yo.

-I often try to get the 2yo to watch a video while I nurse the baby down. Then I put my older child to bed. For this to work you have to not OD on videos during the day (which it is easy to do when you are single parenting and worn out). It also helps to get a special video from the library/video store to whip out for this time.

-Drive them to sleep in the car/walk them to sleep in the stroller. Even if one wakes up when you bring them in, they will be in a sleepy state. I do this when I am desperate and my 2.5 yo is over-tired and hyper. When I use the stroller I don't go too far from the house. As soon as the baby falls asleep I rush home and stroll them into the house (the double stroller just barely fits in the door). She will generally nap for 45 minutes in the stroller which gives me enough time to get my odler child to bed if I am lucky.

-Have someone watch the baby while I put my older child down. This is generally her crabby time of day, so it works best if they stroll her. I run down and turn the porch light on to signal when I have my older chld down and they bring her back home (they do laps around the block).

Good Luck!!!
 
#18 ·
I agree with everything the PPs have mentioned. I have 2 boys, 4 yo and 2 yo. My DH is leaving for a week on Moday, so all these tips have been a nice refresher for me! It's been a while since he's been gone for more than one night.

Sticking to a evening routine seems to help get mine in bed without much of a fuss. Also getting out and spending time around other adults helps A LOT. Try to set up playdates, trips to the library or park every day. Getting a change of scenery keeps my boys from getting so cranky.

Just take it easy on yourself.
 
#19 ·
We all go to bed together. Meaning I sit with dd2 (2 yo) in the recliner and dd1(4 yo) lays down in bed. I often doze while sitting on the chair with dd2. I lay her down and then either get in bed with her or go to my bed. Dh has been gone since early June, he'll be back at the end of this month. But his normal work schedule has him gone for 3 days and 3 nights at a time, about 4 times a month, so we're used to the bedtime alone stuff. I don't get a lot of me time after they're in bed, but I'm usually wiped by then anyway and just ready for sleep!
If dd2 isn't sleepy and dd1 is, it's just easier for dd1 to lay down on the sofa and fall asleep. I'll then carry her upstairs when dd2 and I go up for bedtime. If dd2 is ready for bed and dd1 is not, either we all go upstairs together and if dd1 is still awake when I lay dd2 down, we go downstairs together. Or she stays downstairs with a video on.
We try to keep busy during the day-park, pool, library, walks, playgrounds, even a trip to the grocery store counts as an excursion when you're trying to get through the day!
 
#20 ·
Just wanted to offer support and hugs. My DH is active duty USAF and he is always gone. He left for 5 months when DS was 6 weeks old. DS contracted pneumonia the day he left and the toilet overflowed. Then the AC broke. All in a week. It was hell. At first. But, you'll be fine, and you'll get through it. You'll have one less mouth to feed and clean up after!!
Just don't expect too much of yourself and be flexible. I don't know what to say about the bedtime routine, except to be flexible. I slept with DS when DH was/is gone. Can you sleep with your kiddos?
 
#21 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cardinal
Can you sleep with your kiddos?
Oh yes, we're all in one big bed.....it's just they don't go down at the same time.
Dd1 hardly ever naps, but when she does, she sleeps at 4pm. DD2 still naps, but she gets up at 4, so no time to get stuff done.....but my biggest problem is at night. DD1 is super grumpy before she goes to sleep---yelling, demanding, sometimes kicking and throwing stuff. DD2, will stay up later bc she still naps, so I"m having to keep her out of mischief while I read dd1 stories (while she's yelling at me).

Thanks everyone for all your support. THanks for the car reminder. I think we'll do that a few times.
 
#22 ·
As a single mom, I think you may get lots of help if you posted a similar question on the single mama's forum.
Just make sure your title reflects that you are looking for advice on doing it alone temporarily.
Since we parent alone 24/7, there's bound to be lots of answers.

I have one child so I don't think I could offer much advice.
Peace,
Liz
 
#23 ·
To the OP and anyone who is faced with being alone for the first time -- you might consider popping over to the "Find your Tribe" forum and getting to the military mamas thread... So many moms there have had deployed spouses, so they will give you advice/suggestions/coping mechanisms.
 
#24 ·
I have a very hard time when DH is away. Having no break really erodes my mental state. You say you are far from family - maybe now would be a good time for a visit either from them or to them?


I survive by any means possible. To get a shower, I put my 13 month old in the pack n' play and generally the 3 year old climbs in there and they play together. At least I know he can't climb up and fall down off something while I'm occupied. I am not a big fan of shower with the kids - just annoys me more than its helpful and if I leave DS in the bathroom he ends up getting soaked, getting into things and driving me crazy.

For bedtime, DD goes to bed on her own, so I'll read her stories while DS crawls around and then say goodnight and take him down and rock him. OR I'll rock him until he falls asleep, then put her to bed. I can sometimes get her to fall asleep by telling her we're going to put the baby to sleep and all laying down together.

I do most housework during the day. I make sure my kids are in a safe place and I'll run down to the basement to do laundry. Sometimes DD wants to come down, but I don't bring my son down. I'm not there very long, just to throw a load in or get one out.
 
#25 ·
My husband is away ALOT! I usually travel to my Mom's, about a 3 hour trip. But, if I can't get to my mom's then I usually go insane. really. I don't have any help nearby, although mil lives 20 minutes away.
At night, I rock both of them together. Once my son is ready to go to sleep, I put my baby girl down.
Its really a whirlwind of activity at bedtime, and I fall asleep EXHAUSTED.
When hubby is home, he is a godsend!!!!
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top