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#1 of 32 Old 07-11-2006, 04:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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(on your husband?) by staying home ... I mean - no career to fall back on, no making your own way (for now), etc ... The thing is, you never know. It scares me to death and keeps me up nights.

my situation is not typical but neither would I say unique. My husband has a serious illness, and when he was hospitalized on the stroke unit last year we did not know if, how much, or when he would recover. I panicked and sold all his stock and alas 3 1/2 months later he was able to return to work (and quite angry) but I was afraid we couldn't pay the mortgage. I had a self-taught crash course in independent bill-paying and decision making (as he was non-verbal for a time).

Across the hall was the traumatic brain injury unit, and there was a man there with 4 small kids who was in a car accident driving home from work, and paralyzed (permanent). His wife had also been a SAHM.

I'm wondering what other SAHM's do that's practical, to calm these fears (besides ST and LT disability and life insurance) - do you go to school or attend training "just in case", etc? I feel like I should / MUST do something. to top it off, our marriage has become VERY rocky. It's killing me not knowing if and how I could support my family if and when I have to, and also the thought of leaving my babies with a stranger.
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#2 of 32 Old 07-11-2006, 04:34 PM
 
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Sorry I can't be of more help. I think that my number one problem with being a SAHM is the dependence. I do not feel secure. I know that I do not have the means to leave dh if I needed to, and that if he left me, I wouldn't have a penny to get by. I have always been an overly independent person, so I know that it probably bothers me more than it should.

My marriage has also become very rocky. Dh hates his job that he brought us across the country for. he wants to quit, but he has a terrible time finding other jobs in his field, and we have a 1 year no opt-out lease that we couldn't afford to ditch. So I am 2 days away from my family in a place I hate, unable to find a part time job, and with a husband with an anger problem who wants to quit his job. SO I am a bit HIGH strung right now.

I have been taking classes (mostly online) to get my nursing degree. I will hopefully start this spring. That way, too, I wil have a job with pretty flexible hours so I can work when dh is home, or when the kids are in school if dh and I don't work out.

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#3 of 32 Old 07-11-2006, 06:20 PM
 
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due to my illness i am pretty much stuck. I can no longer wohm so I am stuck.

I don't have answers other than the things you mention the st and lt insurances.
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#4 of 32 Old 07-11-2006, 07:36 PM
 
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Interesting topic.
I'm not really worried if dh dies bc social security is pretty good (you get approx 700 per child and then 700 for yourself) and we have some life insurance. So I'll be able to stay home until my babes go to school.

But st and lt disability is a concern, although I haven't been too concerned that I signed up for any coverage. Probably something I want to look into.

If dh leaves me, I'll get half his paycheck, and some compensation for the time I stayed at home (this is getting worse btw, in part bc of no fault divorce, which ime, hurts women, but that's what women wanted in the 60s and 70s when the laws changed).
I've always been the type to do well at work, and willing to do anything, so I can wait tables if I have to.
Getting a job would be tough, but I'd probably sell my house, live off ss and run up my credit cards for a few years, just so I could stay home w/ my girls. My family isn't much help, but yours might be. Are they factored in your equation? If my family were more helpful, I'd probably move closer them.
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#5 of 32 Old 07-11-2006, 07:40 PM
 
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I run the house but he makes all the money. I haven't worked in a long time so I am pretty dependant. But, things are okay here now.

Christi
DS1(12), DD(7)blessed with T21, DS2(2), and DD2 - newly arrived 1/28/11
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#6 of 32 Old 07-11-2006, 07:52 PM
 
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When my dd was born with special needs it made me pay attention to the possibility that life isn't always perfect and "what if" something happened to someone--either the kids or dh.
I think about this often. This may not be the best course of action--but when my dd had the most trouble with her health issues, I went to my PCP and got on a very low dosage of Paxil. It was a miracle worker.
I then got pregnant again and got off of it--and things are better now that I exercise and eat right (except I eat the left over food from my kids--so I have to watch that!)---but if I couldn't exercise, I would consider getting back on Paxil.
If nothing else, it allowed me to not have that doom and gloom attitude, even when my dd was hospitalized due to feeding problems (and had to stay long term in a feeding clinic--which sucked). And those were tough tough times. I think I cried every darn day. Plus I was isolated as a new mom back then.
The one thing I noticed about taking Paxil is that once the doom and gloom feelings were gone (and I think that the situation was a lot more than general stress and anxiety--this was really serious), I then felt like my mind could handle other things--like making a life game plan, reaching out to make new friends and exploring life options.
I don't know if this would help, but it was a life saver for me.
In fact, I am thinking that I will probably consider it again this fall--because I know that I am going to have to exercise less this winter and I don't want depression to set in.
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#7 of 32 Old 07-11-2006, 07:53 PM
 
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It doesn't bother me at all, actually. My husband and I have been together almost 18 years, and are very happy. So I can't imagine I'd ever wind up needing to support myself due to relationship break-up.

We have plenty of life insurance for him, and short-term disability (up to about 12 months) is not an issue with his job, our savings, etc. There aren't very many kinds of disability that would prevent him from doing his job long-term, but if one of those things were to happen, I'm sure we'd be able to work it out somehow.

Sonja , 40, married to DH (42) since 5-29-93, DD born 11-3-2004, DS born 1-18-2007.
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#8 of 32 Old 07-11-2006, 08:35 PM
 
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I don't normally post here, babe is on the way, but I stay at home Anyway, DH is also very dependent on me, which lots of people seem to forget. If either of us were to die or leave, the other would be up a creek pretty much. When I first started staying home I felt nervous about being so dependent, but now I realize that he really couldn't survive without me either.

He works and brings home the paycheck, but I know all about the bills, do the grocery shopping, save lots of money by cooking from scratch, researching online instead of going to the doctor, calling around for better deals on things that we need... I honestly think that he depends more on me than I do on him, not to mention that we'll have a baby here in a couple months, and then there would be childcare to pay for, formula or breastmilk to buy if I weren't here, that sort of thing. I know that if he split from me his quality of life would go WAY down, maybe even more so than mine.

When we compare where we are now versus where he was when he was single and had to do all his own laundry, cooking, bills, etc, we're doing much much better now. He can focus 100% on work and thus makes much more than he did when he was single and had to split his focus a bunch of different ways. And he's way healthier because we eat much better now than he did before.

Cara
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#9 of 32 Old 07-12-2006, 12:27 AM
 
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It doesn't bother me much either. I'm educated in my pwn right and have a lot of job experience so I could go get another job if I needed to. Not to mention that I would take DH to the cleaners if he dumped me.

But like the previous poster, DH needs me. He works out of the house but I make life work for him, KWIM?

secular classical-ish mama to an incredible 5 year old DS and an amazing 6 year old DD.
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#10 of 32 Old 07-12-2006, 01:53 AM
 
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I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately. DH is on a 2-week backpacking trip right now and I started thinking of all the "what-ifs."

Neither of us currently have life insurance (will start in the fall when Dh starts teaching again), so if he were to die, I'd probably rent out our condo (would pay the mortgage and we can't really sell since it was a restricted income thing) and move in with my mom. She has a 4 bdrm house and it's only her and my brother right now. I'd take care of the house in exchange for a place to stay. I'd probably need to pick some sort of income up 1-2 days/week to cover food/expenses. My mom could really use the help around her house honestly. I'd probably do the same if we were to divorce.

If DH were disabled but able to care for the kids, I'd go back to work. I'd be making slightly less than DH is now , but we'd squeak by. I was a teacher pre-kids like DH, but he's higher on the pay scale since he doesn't SAH.

Hopefully none of my "planning" will ever be needed though.
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#11 of 32 Old 07-12-2006, 06:17 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by myhoneyswife
I don't normally post here, babe is on the way, but I stay at home Anyway, DH is also very dependent on me, which lots of people seem to forget. If either of us were to die or leave, the other would be up a creek pretty much.
Before I officially go back to work in a couple months, I'll comment on this.

Yes, DH depends on me, too, and if something were to happen to me, he would be up a creek. I started handling all his finances when we got married. This was a man who would get a check from a client, put it in his pocket, forget about it, and run it through the wash. I know about all the bills, insurance, accounting for his business, taxes, etc. I run the household and make sure everything is running smoothly so he can focus on work and his household/yard responsibilities.

We feel so strongly that I am just as much value to this partnership, that we have the same amount of life insurance on me as on him. The way we figure it - if I were to die, he would be pretty devastated and left with two little girls to care for. He might not be in any shape to work for a while. If he wanted to take off as much time as possible to spend with the girls and re-group himself, there would be a pile of money to see him through. And enough to hire whatever help he saw fit.
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#12 of 32 Old 07-12-2006, 01:14 PM
 
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"My family isn't much help, but yours might be. Are they factored in your equation? If my family were more helpful, I'd probably move closer them."

For me I have to spit my water on the monitor screen. My mom is 60 and lives with my 82 yr grandfather. she just had bypass surgery. My grandfather takes care of her I am an only and just got through dealing with all her std and medical leave and finances while she was in the hospital. dh and I joke about the babysitting we will be doing when my gpa dies but its the truth. She can barely take care of herself.
I don't talk to anyone else in my moms family and they wouldn't help me out on a bet anyway because I am the black sheep because I don't tow the "party line" and am not mainstream enough but that is ok In other words I don't behave and bend over and kiss their feet like they are gods ..I have my own brain and ideas. They would walk by if I was on fire and not toss a glass of water my way and vice versa ROFL
I would possibly move closer to my ils though most of them work but they would help out the best they could..fil and his gf are in their 70s and not best of health either but sil is great.
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#13 of 32 Old 07-12-2006, 01:31 PM
 
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Yeah. My stepdad is busy raising my three teenage brothers a 2 day drive away from me. My mom is in jail for at least 8 years. All the rest of my family is worse off than myself. I wish I had a support system.

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#14 of 32 Old 07-12-2006, 01:43 PM
 
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Even though I have plenty of skills and work experience to fall back on, I still worry because at this time, nothing I can do would compare financially to what my husband does. I think all SAHM's have these thoughts at some point, but I'd rather not be bothered and worried with all the "what-ifs". I have my own personal issues with society and even those in my own family believing that dependence on a spouse is a bad thing. I disagree with that and I put full faith in DH to provide for our family, and if something tragic happens, well then it happens. Once again, not worth losing sleep over.
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#15 of 32 Old 07-12-2006, 03:08 PM
 
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I've been running a home daycare for the last year. I officially close tomorrow around lunchtime. Horray!!

Anyway, this means that I go back to making no income of any kind. I'm hoping to make it as a freelance writer, but that's an iffy career and can take a while to build up solid contacts and contracts.

I'm not concerned about being depending on dh financially. He can make significantly more than I can in a year, but we have life insurance and disability - neither of which we will need any time soon, hopefully. The biggest issue would be if we split up, which I can't see happening as we're such a great team and love each other a lot. Still, it almost happened a few years ago and I was left as a SAHM to one with no license, no income and no education.

Since then I've acquired my license and an education that could at least get me in the door somewhere making some kind of money. I've pursued two avenues of education - lactation and writing - so if one doesn't work out there's always the other.

It's also important to know one's legal rights. I knew nothing about what I was entitled to in my province until we nearly split. Then I quickly had to find out. It looks like the law is squarely on my side as a SAHM and wife who isn't the bulk income earner. I'm entitled to half the home (all of it if I make a sound argument), my vehicle, half the savings, alimony and child support. Now that I know that, I don't worry. Hopefully we'll be together for the rest of our lives. But if for some reason we're not, the kids and I should be fine.

So those are the things that I've done to put my mind at ease. DH and I have also had many conversations about the importance of both our jobs, paid or not. It's important to me that we see one another as equals and have respect for the jobs we both do to make our family run smoothly.
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#16 of 32 Old 07-12-2006, 06:46 PM
 
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I do not feel dependent at all. DH and I view all we do as a partnership, and he never makes me feel "less than" for not bringing in a monetary salary. I handle all of our finances. Lately we have made a Plan in case something happened to his job or to him, which I think is very important. I know what my earning potential would be, and the expenses we have, and we would be ok. We live a modest life within our means, save money each month, and don't have credit card debt for this purpose.
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#17 of 32 Old 07-12-2006, 07:10 PM
 
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i sometimes think that, but then i always remeber its a partnership, and we have done measures to make sure i am able to get by even without him. I usually pay the bills and keep track of the bank account, we only have joint bank accounts, he put me as the benificary on his life insurance. My husband and i also know that my parents are there as back up if anything terrible happened, that i could move back with them.
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#18 of 32 Old 07-12-2006, 08:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you so much to everyone, for so many replies. i was really afraid that the responses were going to be very critical but most i found quite constructive.

my inlaws are fantastic; my mother-in-law has actually mentioned that when my husband becomes completely disabled / unable to work, she would consider quitting her job to watch the kids. all our parents are still young enough that they work fulltime. and unfortunately it is not an option for us for him to be home with the kids.

another consolation is possibly a little backwards/ counterproductive, but I find security in the amount of equity we have in our house. i know that if i had to sell, i could live off that till i got on my feet. my husband definitely NEEDS me as well, and it has become almost symbiotic in an extremely dysfunctional way. on the positive side, we don't struggle financially at this point, and are able to save quite a bit in preparation for what the future may hold, which i worry way too much about.

keep in mind that most ST and LT disability policies pay only 50-66% of base salary (and they still deduct taxes!) which would be a dramatic reduction for most families, and for those who mentiones SS, the application process is quite lengthy and not a guarantee, plus those numbers are pretty low.

Another HUGE worry for me is health insurance with my husband's treatments now costing upwards of $50K/yr, and also a special needs child with not exorbitant but still a great deal of hc expenses. Once an employee has exhausted STD and FMLA (12 weeks), the company can terminate him, leaving the option of COBRA which for us would be about $2K/month, or the other option NO HEALTH COVERAGE which could prove quite catastrophic for families with hc issues.

I am so torn with this on a daily basis. I don't ever have babysitters, and I don't trust anyone to care for my kids like I do. My baby is EXTREMELY active and I know no one would ever love her like her mom does! I've been home fulltime for almost 5 yrs now and can't imagine going back to only seeing my babies for an hour in the evening (when pretty much all you do is fight about getting to bed because youre grouchy from a long day at a crappy low wage job). sounds like a form of torture! but obviously the option of letting my kids worry about whether or not there will be food on the table or the lights will be turned off or whether they can get shoes that don't hurt because they're outgrown, is not any better. so i guess i feel like i should at least have a better plan for the what if's that in my case are more like "inevitables/eventually's". I must sincerely apologize if i sound like im drowning in self-pity. most days i really do feel so fortunate for every single day i have to be home with my little ones.
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#19 of 32 Old 07-13-2006, 11:50 AM
 
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I feel very dependent on DH. I have a lot of education and many years of job experience that I could fall back on. I'm actually trying to find a part time teaching job right now, just so I have some contact outside of the house. DH has a ton of life insurance and we've got enough stashed that I'd have 1 year to figure things out if he died. But if I were to die, he would be screwed. I have no life insurance and he would suddenly be faced with taking care of the house, 3 kids and everything else by himself while working very long hours. His family is far away and would not help out anyway.

If he became disabled, we would manage ok as well. I know someone who has a 5yo, 2yo, and when she was 8 months pregnant, her dh was permanently disabled. She is just handling everything amazingly well. She would be my role model.
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#20 of 32 Old 07-13-2006, 12:46 PM
 
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I feel dependent and scared because my DH is the sole financial provider in our family.

He is a pilot in the air force. My fear is that he'll be mortared to death or shot down and killed by enemy forces.
Yeah, great, whoppee I get some money for his death, but it wouldn't last long.
I have a bachelor's degree in Psychology. (translation: no job unless i get a master's). I am always worried that I will be widowed and then will be alone and have no real marketable skills to provide for me and my family. It is nauseating to think about. But, this war seems like it won't end anytime soon so I have to just push through and not think about it.

Not only would $$$$ be a concern, but I'd also fall into a deep depression and would likely stop eating and sleeping. I am in love with DH, so it would be heartbreaking if he died. I don't concern myself with him divorcing me because I know that won't happen.
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#21 of 32 Old 07-13-2006, 01:04 PM
 
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I feel this quite a bit. DH is in the military right now and if something were to happen to him we are covered at least for that. Not sure what will happen when he gets out tho.

The big thing i worry about is that we have been married just under 2 years. Not long at all. We married after having 2 dates and me just having a baby. Although ds is his son hes not bialogically....and we know who the father is. Long story. We are now pg with dd which changes things but I wondered if something happened to me where ds would go. Would dh still "keep" him? Would ds be taken back to my mothers, his bialogical father (who has no idea how to take care of him no matter how much he loves the kid)?

I am 21 years old with no college. I have job experience but not anything that would put ds and i into comfortable living and certainly wouldn't allow me to be a good mother.

I was making dinner a few nights ago and me and dh were teasing each other and we had a bit of a convo that i said well i am still here! and he replied with "well you just don't have anywhere else to go right now..." although he said it in jest and its true I wonder what made him say that.

I have no insurance so if something were to happen to me dh would be pretty screwed for a while with him getting all the responsibility and daycare costs all of the sudden.

The big thing I try to think about is that we got married out of the blue, he is a good man and i know his father very well!!!

But to make a long rambling post short. Yes I feel that I depend on DH for monetary issues and that I have no way to feel independent if we should ever part.
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#22 of 32 Old 07-13-2006, 02:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by myhoneyswife
I don't normally post here, babe is on the way, but I stay at home Anyway, DH is also very dependent on me, which lots of people seem to forget. If either of us were to die or leave, the other would be up a creek pretty much. When I first started staying home I felt nervous about being so dependent, but now I realize that he really couldn't survive without me either.

He works and brings home the paycheck, but I know all about the bills, do the grocery shopping, save lots of money by cooking from scratch, researching online instead of going to the doctor, calling around for better deals on things that we need... I honestly think that he depends more on me than I do on him, not to mention that we'll have a baby here in a couple months, and then there would be childcare to pay for, formula or breastmilk to buy if I weren't here, that sort of thing. I know that if he split from me his quality of life would go WAY down, maybe even more so than mine.

When we compare where we are now versus where he was when he was single and had to do all his own laundry, cooking, bills, etc, we're doing much much better now. He can focus 100% on work and thus makes much more than he did when he was single and had to split his focus a bunch of different ways. And he's way healthier because we eat much better now than he did before.

Cara
I agree! My dh and I have plans in place for both of us! He would be just as lost without me. I think the bes thing you can do is have a plan. There are too many what ifs in life.

Katie
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#23 of 32 Old 07-14-2006, 12:02 PM
 
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I am litl afraid, but still sure somehow we will get by
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#24 of 32 Old 07-14-2006, 02:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i appreciate the 2 posts from the military wives. i dont know how you do it, i know, you do what you have to do ... just saying i would be a nervious wreck. it's so nice to have many different perspectives.
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#25 of 32 Old 07-14-2006, 07:47 PM
 
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I worry about it some. My dad unexpectedly divorced my mom after 25 years as a SAHM; she had no college education or job skills.

I've watched her struggle so hard... and she tells me to never ever get in the position she's in now.

It renews my committment to keeping up my 3-credit-hour-at-a-time grind at college.

You really never can tell what the future holds, eh?
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#26 of 32 Old 07-22-2006, 12:57 AM
 
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I am extremely, extremely dependent on my DH, in every way. I depend on him for everything, and the the thought of leaving him or losing him is terrifying. He has become my buffer from the world over the past ten years-- I have not seen a bill in that time, he makes phone calls for me (I have social phobias); basically my world is the house and the grocery store. He deals with paperwork, taxes, red tape, I never see any of it or deal with the outside world.

I had to write a check a few months ago and couldn't remember how to. I had to rip up my first try and start over. I still made mistakes on the second one.

But it's not just the money-- I feel like he is my seawall against everything.

We have been rocky, too. He can be very condescending and mean, and it kills me, but I need him so much I can't imagine not being married to him.

He has a large life insurance policy and I think he has disability... but like I said, it's not just financial. I can't imagine facing the world without him, I would be utterly lost. I need him way too much.
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#27 of 32 Old 07-22-2006, 02:57 PM
 
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I'm always afraid that something will happen to Dh and on top of losing my best friend I would be responsible for taking care of Ds.. so I enrolled at Penn Foster (an online college) that trains for all sorts of things (real estate, travel agents, and others) so that God Forbid, I could support our little family if push came to shove...

On the other hand, it also increased my confidence to know that I have these opportunities now... and if money ever gets really tight... I can do the travel agent thing from home... just a thought...

Glad to know you DH is better now!!!
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#28 of 32 Old 07-30-2006, 12:46 AM
 
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Yes, I feel too dependent

One of the ways I decided I wanted to cope with this is to finally apply for the Canada Child Tax Benefit... and through some miracle DP agreed that we would. DP however doesn't feel filling his tax return in a priority, and I can't file for CCTB unless his taxes are done.

I figure the CCTB is kind of like my financial compensation for the work I do, though in all honesty, I put the higer price on it giving me more freedom to spend money on all the things I feel we need, but can't afford at the moment (like more organic foods, seriously consider opening a small business). I'm very cautious with money, my DP says to a fault, but because I don't feel like it's my money entirely, I don't feel comfortable doing whatever I want with it like my DP feels.

There's a part of me that sees the flaw in my reasoning, but then the other part wants to feel the freedom of having some financies that are just mine. I feel terribly materialistic and immature. I wish so badly my DP would understand how important this is to me (and I've told him) but he made his stance clear: "I'll do my taxes when I feel like".



There's more, but I'm too depressed right now to get in to all of it. I've hit rock bottom today.
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#29 of 32 Old 07-30-2006, 02:38 AM
 
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I am a SAHM to seven children. I have no worries about "what ifs". If something happened to my DH and he was no longer able to work, we do have insurance. If he was killed, we have insurance. If the money ran out and there was no other way, I am a very versitile person. I can do anything I put my mind to and I can do it excellently. I have had several part time jobs over the years and I could work again.

Due to our being on one income right now, we have learned to live on a very minimal budget. So I am positive that if given no other options, I could find a job that paid enough for us to make it.

Plus, I put my trust in God to supply all my needs. So I have no worries!

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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#30 of 32 Old 07-30-2006, 05:02 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Siana
I don't feel like it's my money entirely, I don't feel comfortable doing whatever I want with it like my DP feels.

There's a part of me that sees the flaw in my reasoning, but then the other part wants to feel the freedom of having some financies that are just mine. I feel terribly materialistic and immature. I wish so badly my DP would understand how important this is to me (and I've told him) but he made his stance clear: "I'll do my taxes when I feel like".



There's more, but I'm too depressed right now to get in to all of it. I've hit rock bottom today.
Oh, honey. I do know how that feels. I never feel like DH's pay is "really ours" at all, either. Comes of a crappy childhood background, where my parents were totally, totally unequal power-wise, but I still feel like it's his paycheck, and that he merely permits me to use it for household expenditures in his stead.

That's totally crappy about the taxes. If he wants you to have a sense of partnership and freedom about your joint finances, he needs to hear what you're saying about this issue ASAP.

Tell him they are BOTH of your taxes, not just his.

We're going through a bit of a money crisis right now that stems, in a large part, from the fact that I've been almost completely uninvolved and unaware of our finances, while DH spent "his" money pretty freely. Money he didn't really have to spend.

It might have been "his" money, but guess what? Now it's "our" problem. Bigtime.

Men don't always do a good job of managing money intelligently, and I'm coming to understand that the hard way.
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