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What do you say...

1K views 28 replies 26 participants last post by  Sharlla 
#1 ·
When times are really tight, (hubby is between jobs at the moment, got laid off at one stupid job, and is to start at another one in 2 weeks, we haven't started getting unemployment yet...) and everybody is trying to convince you to get a job?
 
#6 ·
Ok,
What about when they try to tell me to go to work alternating with hubby, like, get a job, and when hubby goes back to work, go to work when he gets home, so that we alternate taking care of the babe?

I know that would bring in extra doe, but it just does not feel right. I would not want to spend hours upon hours away from my baby. I would have to pump and all that. My milk supply might dwindle, and my baby wean early. (My biggest fear.)

I am justing hearing it left and right. My dad is hinting around that we "always did the best when both of us were working." And my FIL always says that, even during times when we are doing just fine without me working. My best friend (whom I confide in) asked what if I got a part time job working when hubby got home from work, just to get away from babe for a little while.

I don't know what to say to these people when they keep asking me. I want them to leave me alone. They want to say it when we are doing well, but they don't because what would be the point? But then, the moment hard times hit, they feel that is the moment when they should be able to tell you, "Get a job already!"

I'm at my weakest right now, and we could use extra money, but it does not feel "right" to be away from my 12 month old.
 
#7 ·
Well unless you guys are getting financial help from these folks I would probably say no thanks, my gig is watching my babe and say I would prefer not to discuss the situation with these folks. On the other hand if you are getting help from them it does become a bit trickier to say shut up, in some ways its the price you pay for their help.

Not that I am trying to sway you to work but I was reading your last post and realized that your ds is a year old, well my dd will be a year in 2.5 weeks and I started teaching pt eveing about a month ago. I don't pump and my milk has not been impacted, dh watchers her while I work and for us its a good deal. (I have $100,000 in student loans which are already consolidated so I gotta work pt)

I think many Mamas with babes over a year don't pump, pretty much in our case dd does a reverse cycle and eats a solid meal with dh when I am working.

Shay
 
#10 ·
I tell them DH and I made this agreement that he would work and I would stay at home and raise our children, that it was made before we had children, and we are not changing that. Oh yeah and also that how we live our lives isn't any of their business. ( dealing with this kind of crap from family right now )
:
 
#11 ·
Well I have been in this situation since day 1. My in laws think that I am lazy, even though I am also a full time student (online classes mainly). Now money is tight, and dh has been pushing me to get a job and it is tough. Unemployment is so high, wages are so low. I would have to PAY $6 an hour to work, and not bring home any money. Unless I conveniently found a job where I could work nights and be home by 7:30. But they are few and far between. Not to mention I have already done my time working 60+ hours a week on nights to make ends meet. I don't remember my son's first step, first word, half of that entire year. I will never do that again. It is worth having money be tight so that my kids have a mother.

So tell them to LEAVE YOU ALONE!
 
#13 ·
Our families are very caught up in material things. We scrape by, but we have everything we need, and much of what we want. DH's family is constantly pressuring us to get new, better things. Then they try to pry into our finances to see if we don't buy things because we can't afford them, or because we just don't want them. If they knew our financial situation, I'm sure both of our families would be pressuring me to get a job. So we just don't share information with them.

ETA: If they did tell me to get a job, I would just laugh.
 
#14 ·
"Thank you for concern. I can see how you would feel that way, but none the less this is the decision that DH and I have made."

Then change the subject.

Be careful to not discuss ANYTHING with with these people that could led to them suggesting that the answer is for you to get a job. These are not people with whom you can discuss jiggling money around to pay bills.
 
#15 ·
I think it would depend on their motives for the unwanted advice. If they are trying to help you "fix" your "problem" (tight financial situation), I would thank them for their concern, but that you have it under control. If they are against you being a SAHM for whatever reason and are trying to imply that you aren't carrying your weight, I would firmly tell them that it's none of their business and you don't want the subject brought up again, period.

Remember, you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you're engaging in unpaid domestic labor. Just because some people get paid for working doesn't mean their work is more important.
 
#16 ·
Thanks for all the helpful suggestions you guys (or, gals, should I say...)

It's so hard telling your dad to butt out of your life when he's offered financial assistance to you before in the past. But that was a long time ago, and we have been making it pretty decently every since then with no help.

We just hit a couple of rough spots, (hubby moved to a new job, promptly got laid off, and now we are moving again to go back to his old job, simply because that one paid enough for me not to work, and is also paying our moving expenses since hubby agreed to move to another location where they are in desperate need of help...)

They just don't get why I don't move back home closer to them (where we would both have to work to make ends meet) so that they can help me care for the babe while I work.

Get so difficult for them to understand that NO i'm NOT going to work right now, and hubby does not want me to work and is doing all that he can to make sure that I don't have to, at least until little monkey is weaned and going to school (if we decide to do public...)

Just needed to rant for a few moments. Things have gotten more and more hectic around here in these last few days since mdc was down...
 
#17 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl
Response: this topic is not up for discussion. This is a family matter. If you continue to bring it up, I will have to hang up the phone/ask you to leave.
This is what I think too!

Um, if you went to work you'd have to pay crazy high gas prices to get there and possibly buy new clothes for work and food to take with you. What about parking at the job? It's not as cut and dry as people make it out to be. I"d not try to defend your position. I'd just use the quote above.
 
#18 ·
I get this a lot. I wonder if all SAHM's do??? Most people do it out of wondering if I will ever go back to work. The answer to that is usually a resounding no. Thankfully, I have a family where both of our moms (dh's and mine) were sahm's and still are even in the empty nest phase. In that case, dh is used to it. But I know as soon as my kids enter school full time or they don't need me as much at home, I know I will be bombarded with this same question. I appreciate hearing some of the responses now.

However, in this case, I would try not to take the defensive and just say that realistically it isn't what you want for your family. That in doing the math, it doesn't make sense for you to get a job (higher tax bracket, cost for day care/babysitting, food for work or convenience foods since everyone is so busy, the extreme cost of missing out on time with your child). The costs don't outweigh the benefits for your family. Usually when people who love us (our parents or family members) they just want to make sure you have made a well thought out decision that is rational.

Good luck!
 
#21 ·
I get this all the time from a friend...A childless male friend who makes 6 figures, might I add. He seems to feel that being ds's godfather gives him the right to tell me to get a job and inform me that I'd be happier working. I dunno where he gets this stuff
He also wants me to "just find a school and put him there!" (he's opposed to homeschooling for who knows what reason!)

My response,
Dude! Lay off! This is our decision, not yours. We don't ask you for money and when I vent, I'm not asking for you to fix it. I'm happy staying home, my husband supports me in this. Get your own wife and make her work.

It works for about 4 months at a time then he's back at it.

I've thought about the working alternating shifts thing, but in our case, I'd have to work nights. And be home alone all day with a child who doesn't nap. So, um, when is there room for sleep?
 
#22 ·
Well I am not a SAHM. Heck, Im not even a mom yet, lol. I couldnt read all the responses im at work. But i must say this pisses me off! Its your family! My SIL gets this a lot. My whole family thinks she needs a job. My brother doesnt make top money but thats there business. As long as you are not asking them for anything or on welfare why should we care?
 
#23 ·
Some people understand money more than they understand convictions. So when people begin to tell me that I need to get a job (this is usually my Mom to start with, then her telling others, and it really gets around) I just give them a quick money lesson.

I can get a part time job for about $7 an hour. It would cost me, with gas, food, and car upkeep, not to mention work clothes and other necessities, $15-$20 a day for work (this is based on my last part time job), I got paid "gross" about $28 a day, so once I deducted taxes and all the stuff they take out, I end up with about $5 a day for all that hard work. And, for me, $5 a day does not cover what I miss with my family.

Then, if I am talking a full time job, I have to add in daycare. I have one completely disabled daughter, one two year old, and one five year old. (I have other older children, but these three would have to have constant supervision. I would have to take some of my DH's income to add to my own just to pay daycare. (Not sure of the prices anymore, but it is not cheap.) If you look into daycare and price it, then figure out what you would make at minimum wage (because face it, most part time jobs are not going to pay much more) deducting taxes and work related expenses, you will have a good comeback for any persistant person.

In addition, if they say something like working during DH's off time, I tell them that our relationship is much more important than a few extra dollars that a part time job would bring in.

My Mom is the worst. She thinks I NEED a job just to get away from my children. She cannot understand that I actually ENJOY being with my children all day long.
 
#24 ·
Unfortunately whenever people see you in a financial strain this is going to come up for two reasons: people don't know how to mind their own business, and our society is pretty anti-SAHM. The only way you can partially prevent it is by not bringing up your financial issues to them. That helps set the boundary that it is not their business, although it doesn't work 100 percent especially if your situation is obvious or they already know from things you have previously said.

When it does come up, just gently tell them it's none of your business..."family matter"..."private decision"..."our personal values"...whatever words work.

I would not start justifying practical reasons to them, like how much money daycare costs. This just encourages them to retort and come up with differing suggestions, and makes them think you are open to give-and-take with them about it. Once you start that process it is almost impossible to stop without being rude. I have a friend who does that to me. Every "suggestion" she makes about my life, whatever reason I have not to want to do it, she has an answer for. To the point where I feel like I'm on trial. I don't see her so much anymore.
 
#25 ·
when my oldest was 6 months old my Dh quit his job for another and it fell through.He could not get unemployment and was out of work for 6 months.Needless to say I went to work full-time and he got to be a stay at home dad.I pumped and they bonded and he cherishes that time to this day.He is sorry he will not get that special time with our youngest!!!

I understand you cannot get a job for two weeks.But with no $$ coming in at all must be difficult.How about day labor for the two weeks or a temp job that would shut up the naysayers and give you some cash in the meantime.

I believe whomever can bring home the most dough should be the breadwinner ....whether man or woman.As long as one parent is home with the kids and no money is going out to childcare its a win-win situation.

Best of luck
 
#26 ·
I believe that many SAHMs get this at one point or another. Our society has gotten to where there is more "value" put on the mother who works full time and puts her children in daycare. (I am not trying to put anyone down who does use daycare, must work, or chooses to work.) These are choices that each family must make, but I am sick and tired of hearing other's opinions about the decisions we make for our family! They are ours to make and I don't give a tinker's darn what they think of them. Why am I less of a person because I choose to stay home with my younger children and homeschool my older son? Just because I could use daycare and the public schools to watch and teach my children so I could be a "productive" member of society? I am a productive member, I am caring for,guiding, teaching, and loving the next darned generation. No, I don't want to keep someone else's children to make pocket money. I want to spend my time taking care of MY children. Yes, the money would be nice, yes many SAHMs will do this at some point to bring in extra $, but that is not what wish to do at this time.
I guess, I would simply say "DH and I have discussed it, but we feel at this time, it is better that I be with our child(ren). Thank you for your concern, but we will be fine." (Actually, I have said this to MIL).
I am just so fraking tired of being seen as less because I want to be the one doing these things for our children rather than someone else!
stepping away from the soapbox now.
 
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