SO shouldn't do housework b/c he's the provider?? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums
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#121 of 140 Old 04-09-2007, 09:00 PM
 
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I am lucky that my dh helps and without asking or begging him too. MIL thinks he should do nothing. Her exdh was a lazy slob, he didn't work, he didn't clean, he drank beer and watched tv. YOu would think that she of all people would respect that her son is helping his wife out, but she whispered to Dh the other night when I left the room....I can't believe you have to word hard all day at work and then come home and do dishes (unload the dishwash). He just looked at her and said...don't even start, she works all day taking care of ds and the house, the least I can do is unload the dishwasher. She was pissed.

Oh yes. Of course their sons work sooooo harrrrd and all we do is spend their son's money. Yep.

She is jealous because your husband is decent and she couldn't have one who was.
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#122 of 140 Old 04-09-2007, 10:16 PM
 
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DH doesn't do much, not because he thinks he shouldn't but because he doesn't see the mess. He has a crazy high tolerance for mess, clutter and disarray. I'll ask him to pick up and he'll actually ask me what needs cleaning, he just doesn't see it. That said, his mom did ALL the house work/cooking/laundry/yardwork and was a full-time teacher. FIL just retired and is helping for the first time ever. He frequently tells DH to get off his butt and help me, that he didn't do enough and DH needs to do more. I do work, 20 hours a week and still do most of the housework. DH puts DD down every night, cleans up from dinner maybe twice a week, takes out the trash, sometimes helps fold the laundry (twice a month?) and helps pick up some on the weekends (maybe half an hour or so). I do everything else.

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#123 of 140 Old 04-10-2007, 10:56 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ilovemyavery View Post
DH doesn't do much, not because he thinks he shouldn't but because he doesn't see the mess. He has a crazy high tolerance for mess, clutter and disarray. I'll ask him to pick up and he'll actually ask me what needs cleaning, he just doesn't see it. That said, his mom did ALL the house work/cooking/laundry/yardwork and was a full-time teacher. FIL just retired and is helping for the first time ever. He frequently tells DH to get off his butt and help me, that he didn't do enough and DH needs to do more. I do work, 20 hours a week and still do most of the housework. DH puts DD down every night, cleans up from dinner maybe twice a week, takes out the trash, sometimes helps fold the laundry (twice a month?) and helps pick up some on the weekends (maybe half an hour or so). I do everything else.
My husband especially has a problem seeing what is below his navel. There have been times when he hooked a plastic bag onto the knob of the lower cabinet and peeled potatoes into it, and then forgot the bag was there and it sat there until i came home and found it and threw it away.

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#124 of 140 Old 04-11-2007, 08:52 AM
 
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I guess I'm in the minority here. I can't imagine expecting my husband to do housework. In my opinion, he works at a job that's a lot worse than being a SAHM and he deserves to come home and rest. I know my job as a SAHM means I never get to rest, but that just makes it all the more important to me. My husband doesn't expect me to do housework, but he's extremely grateful and happy because of it. When he's happy, I'm happy. To me, that's better than arguing about who does what. Actually, the few times he's done the dishes or the floor, it makes him lose so much masculinity just watching him. I don't like that, I want a man!
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#125 of 140 Old 04-11-2007, 09:32 AM
 
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I don't understand the "loosing masculinity." I mean, what better man than one who loves his wife and family so much that he cares about what she cares about (keeping a peaceful home) and tries to help out?

If I catch my dh cleaning house or emptying the dishwasher, I am usually confident that he is going to try to get lucky later.
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#126 of 140 Old 04-11-2007, 09:37 AM
 
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Yep me too Betsy. I don't see doing dishes as unmasculine at all. What do men do before they get married? Do their dishes, one would hope.

I read that men who do housework get a lot more sex than men who don't.

I just don't get how one person gets to rest and one doesn't.

We don't argue about housework. My husband is on the same page. He married a partner, not a parent to take care of him.

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#127 of 140 Old 04-11-2007, 10:10 AM
 
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There's nothing sexier than my man running the vacuum. If only I could get him to fold laundry while wearing his tool belt. Mmmm
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#128 of 140 Old 04-11-2007, 11:09 AM
 
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There's nothing sexier than my man running the vacuum. If only I could get him to fold laundry while wearing his tool belt. Mmmm

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#129 of 140 Old 04-11-2007, 11:38 AM
 
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I think that every family is different and a general it should be this way or that does not apply to everyone. I think that it was wrong of the co-worker to be sticking her nose into your business.

I have been a full time sahm for 4 years and have a 9 yr old ds. I do all of the house work, but that is because for us that is what works. My dh has a very physically demanding job and he comes home very tired. There have been times that he has come home and gone strait to bed. I honestly think that it would be very unfair of me to ask him to do more around the house than what he wants to do. But if he had a less physical job I might expect more of him. Right now he takes care of the lawn(only he can get that stupid mower to run lol) and all house repairs on the weekends. During the week the most he does is take down his dishes or put his clothes in a hamper.

I don't think that there is anything wrong if the stay at home parent does all the house work. It only becomes a problem when one starts to resent having to do all the work and is not appreciated for the work, I think.
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#130 of 140 Old 04-11-2007, 12:15 PM
 
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I think it totally depends on your situation. I personally do most of the housework right now, and I'm ok with that, because I'm here all day, and the kids are in school. What else am I gonna do? But as I get more pregnant, and when the new one is little bitty and needs allllll of my time, then things will change. He'll have to take on more stuff or just deal with the house being less clean.

If you're happy doing it all yourself, more power to you! It just sucks when that's what's happening (one partner doing all the work) and it wasn't the agreed upon deal.

Oh, and if I'm picky about the way a certain chore is done, I buck up and do it myself. Nagging him to do it up to my standards isn't worth the time or stress. Of course, it goes both ways too. He does all the dishes because he hates the way I load the dishwasher. And I do all the laundry, because I'm super picky about how stuff is washed and folded and I have a system for putting stuff away that he STILL hasn't figured out 6 years into the marriage.
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#131 of 140 Old 04-11-2007, 01:20 PM
 
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I am a FT SAHM and DH works outside the house FT and is a PT student (getting a second degree). He does the dishes and helps with everything else. He understands how hard my job is and that sometimes I need a break. Just like I understand that he has to study on nights and weekends some. I don't think housework should ever just be one persons responsibility, EVER. I am a mother not a servant!
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#132 of 140 Old 04-11-2007, 01:35 PM
 
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There's nothing unmasculine about doing dishes - have you ever worked in a restaurant? Where I worked men were predominantly assigned the dishwashing duty. If my husband wasn't married, who would be doing his dishes? Who did his dishes before he met me? This country was settled by men who crossed the country doing their own dishes.
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#133 of 140 Old 04-11-2007, 02:50 PM
 
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I guess I'm in the minority here. I can't imagine expecting my husband to do housework. In my opinion, he works at a job that's a lot worse than being a SAHM and he deserves to come home and rest. I know my job as a SAHM means I never get to rest, but that just makes it all the more important to me. My husband doesn't expect me to do housework, but he's extremely grateful and happy because of it. When he's happy, I'm happy. To me, that's better than arguing about who does what. Actually, the few times he's done the dishes or the floor, it makes him lose so much masculinity just watching him. I don't like that, I want a man!

You NEVER get to rest? If that is true, then you are in for a rotten surprise if you get terribly ill or break a leg or something. You could have an accident from never resting. Then, where would you be?

Hey, don't get me wrong. If you are happy being in that kind of lifestyle, please, be my guest.

I don't get your "losing masculinity" thing, though. A real man is not afraid to wash a dish, mop a floor or change a diaper when needed. A real man steps up to the plate to help his partner, to make sure things get done. A real man loves his wife enough to insist she rest every so often and he take over for a day or evening.

Me and my Dh have some issues in this department. But, he is finding out quickly that my life at home is not all "sitting on my butt". He also finds a lot happier wife if he takes over cooking or dishes a couple of times a week.
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#134 of 140 Old 04-11-2007, 02:54 PM
 
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I'm a stay at home mom to a four year old and 5 months pg with #2. My SO works 90-110 hours a week for two weeks, then has a week off. On his weeks on, I don't ever ask anything of him because I know how exhausted he is, and yet he still does a few things (sort recycling, take out the trash, rinse dishes) when he's around to do them. On his weeks off he's up with me and doing all the daily chores along side me. I don't usually have to ask, and he knows I dont' expect it, but he does it anyway.

I was raised in a family, however, where the mother was the one responsible for all the housework and raising the kids (she was a sahm too) and my dad worked. I always just kind of thought that's how it is until I met my SO. Every family is different I think, and it's best to do what works for you.
Mama, if your partner works 90-100 hrs a week, that is more than two fulltime jobs! Of course you wouldn't expect much work at home with those kind of working hours.

My husband barely hits 40 hrs a week. He can wash some dishes and run a vac a few times a week as far as I am concerned.
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#135 of 140 Old 04-11-2007, 03:14 PM
 
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There are like whole threads on thebabywearer.com with pics of dads wearing their babies while doing chores, and everyone loves them. Sign me up as one who finds men doing housework as sexy. Maybe cause it conveys respect in a way, or something.

I don't think it makes one some kind of sucker or anything if they can easily do it or enjoy it. I do the majority, b/c I'm here and can do a tiny bit (read very small amount) while home with kids. But I think in many instances it's too much for one person. And in many instances, I don't think it's healthy to pick up after a partner as if he were a child (assuming he's not working a million hours or something.)
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#136 of 140 Old 04-11-2007, 07:49 PM
 
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I feel like since I stay home I should do a little more, but I hate cleaning with a passion so I always appreciate the help. He does dishes and makes dinner and other stuff cause even though I'm a sahm I still have things going on as well. I love staying at home but it's work as well. Plus, he also has a high tolerance for messiness that I cannot stand (and I am by no means a clean freak.)

I'm also with the posters who felt that it's sexy to see their dh's do chores. I *always* say something along those lines whenever I see him doing the dishes or cleaning or something. It always puts a smile on his face and encourages him. Praising works wonders.
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#137 of 140 Old 04-14-2007, 04:05 PM
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Fortunately, DH sees raising DD as my job. He goes to a clinic to do his job, while mine just happens to be at home. He looks at me almost like a day care provider - a DCP would feed DD, play with her, change her diaper, teach her, etc. If I get time to do other stuff, that's great, but otherwise we do it together in the evenings or on the weekends.

Now, at the same time, I don't abuse that freedom. If DD and I are painting, then part of the experience is cleaning the brushes and putting away the paints. If we are reading books, one goes back on the shelf before we get another. So it's not like a total hellhole when he gets home. However, there are days where DH gets home from work and there are toys and food all over the whole house. Usually then he just cracks up and says, "Sophie was a busy little bee today, huh?" Our standard procedure for those days is to pick "Child or cleaning?" I almost always pick cleaning, so he can take Sophie out to play for a bit while I get things back under control - but only because I can get some quiet time - talk on the phone, listen to an audio book on my IPod, etc. while I am working.
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#138 of 140 Old 04-14-2007, 06:30 PM
 
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Your dh's co-worker is nuts.

I try to do most of it - I'm here, and can put a dirty pan on to soak, or throw a load of laundry in or whatever. But, my main job is the kids.

If dh decides that I have to do all the housework because he works an outside job, I know what's going to happen. I'll work my butt off all day to clean up and do dishes and all that crap. And, then when he calls and tells me he's on his way home, I'm done. If he gets a free pass from 5:00 until bedtime, then so do I. He can entertain the kids with me...but he's going to have to materialize dinner out of thin air. Fortunately, this won't happen, because dh just doesn't see life like that. Bringing home the money is a big contribution, but it's not everything.

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#139 of 140 Old 04-14-2007, 06:55 PM
 
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She's nuts.

:

It is enough work to try and clean up after 2 toddlers. My dh would NEVER expect me to do all the work. I don't think it has ever crossed his mind. :
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#140 of 140 Old 04-17-2007, 11:21 PM
 
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Anyone ever feel guilty for asking their DH for help around the house? Mine works full-time, manual labor, back breaking work, but I *hate* cleaning most days. (Some days I get into it, some days I despise it.). I usually get really cranky by end of day (when DH comes home) and thats when the fit hits the shan, if you get what I mean. I resent having to do everything related to DS and the house, but feel guilty about asking DH for help... anyone else feel this way or is it just me??
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