SO shouldn't do housework b/c he's the provider?? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 02:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
FillingMyQuiver's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: searching for my sanity
Posts: 3,216
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Dh was having a conversation with a female coworker today and it came up that he empties the dishwasher every night and does some cleaning up of the apt on the weekends when he's home.

Coworker: Really? (giving a strange look)
DH: Yeah, why?
CW: Well, I'm not going to say anything, I don't want to offend you.
DH: Go ahead, what?
CW: Well, I don't think you should have to do anything since you're the one working.
DH: My wife can't possibly do everything when she's taking care of our 2 kids.
CW: I just think that if you're the one bringing home the money, you shouldn't have to do housework.

WHAT?!?!?! Is she serious?!?!

A little background on her: she has 2 kids, her mom has custody of her daughter and she has full custody of her son, so I'm not sure if both kids live w/ her. She works 28hrs/ wk to be home when her DS is home from school. Her fiance works full time in an IT position. When there's a snow day, she has to stay home.

A little background on us: I have a 3yo DS who is the equivalent of 4 toddlers. I've worked in childcare as my profession before having my own children, so I was used to taking care of multiple children at a time, and my DS WEARS ME OUT. He is the most difficult child I've ever cared for, high needs, requires lots of entertainment, etc. I also have a 16mo DD who can play on her own for a while, but still needs mama. BOTH are still nursing and I'm 7wks pg w/ #3 (these last 2 the coworker doesn't know).

So, SAHMs, does your working SO do any housework when s/he is home? Am I nuts for thinking she's out of line for thinking I should take care of EVERYTHING home related b/c I'm home w/ my kids all day?

Jenn<>< crunchy conservative mama to 6 fencing.gif reading.gif notes2.gif fly-by-nursing2.gif

knit.gifand sewmachine.gif my way through my stash.

FillingMyQuiver is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 02:50 AM
Banned
 
2Sweeties1Angel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 3,042
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm sort of a SAHM. I go to school, but all of my classes are currently online so I'm always here.

DH does pretty much all of the housework. I clean the bathrooms but that's about it.
2Sweeties1Angel is offline  
#3 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 02:52 AM
 
MCatLvrMom2A&X's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: With Vin Diesel ;) YUMMMM
Posts: 14,210
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My dh feels this way he works and brings in the money all the house stuff is my responsability.

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

MCatLvrMom2A&X is offline  
#4 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 03:13 AM
 
AlbertaJes's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Northern Alberta, Canada
Posts: 1,751
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
A lot of people feel that way. I'm fortunate that my DH does not. I think I can thank my SIL for that, he's seen for years how hard being a SAHM is. In our minds, when he's at work (he works 2 weeks away from home), he's doing his job and I'm doing my job. Both of us are on call 24 hours a day at that point. When he's home, I'm on call 24 hours a day and he gets a bit of a break at night because DD only ever wakes up to eat. So he picks up a lot of slack with my other work.

Mom to K (06.23.06) & A (09.13.09)
AlbertaJes is offline  
#5 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 03:14 AM
 
fw221's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 942
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Most of the house stuff is my responsibility because my dd is in school all day. Now that I'm pregnant, dh has been helping because I just don't have it in me to do it all anymore. I was a WOHM for a long time and we shared all the household duties. When I'm taking care of a child all day, that's my job, not housework.
fw221 is offline  
#6 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 03:14 AM
 
tamagotchi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,062
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm a SAHM and my DH works in an office. DH takes care of DS while I make dinner. After dinner, DH cleans the kitchen, runs the dishwasher, sweeps the floor, picks up toys in the living room, and runs a load of laundry (this includes diaper laundry on alternate nights). Since he does this every night he has a routine and it really doesn't take him long.
tamagotchi is offline  
#7 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 03:20 AM
 
KimProbable's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Edmonton, Alberta
Posts: 1,494
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
In our home, I handle the majority of the work around the home but DH contributes too. Each night he washes the dishes and cleans up the kitchen while I'm putting the kids to bed. He also shares in the basic cleaning up after ourselves on the weekends.

The way I see it is that I can get a lot of the cleaning done during the day so I do it. This leaves us more family time during evenings and weekends and allows us time to relax. When circumstances were different (when I worked PT, when DD was a newborn, etc.) we shifted things around and DH took on more household responsibilities.

Anyhow, to get to my basic opinion on the matter...no, I don't think the SAH parent should be responsible for all of the housework as if being home with the kids is a walk in the park (well, sometimes it literally is a walk in the park of course, but you get my point). I also think that it's best not to make broad generalizations about how childcare, housework, and work outside of the home should be split. I think that each couple is different in how they view division of labor and that all that matters is they both feel appreciated and valued.

Kim - Wife to Liam , Unschooly mama to Nick (10/00) Lily (09/05) and Olivia (07/09)
KimProbable is offline  
#8 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 03:35 AM
 
ErinBird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,637
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My mother (SAHM for years) thinks this way. I'm not allowed to be frustrated or complain about the mess in the house/chores I need to do, etc because DH helps me out.

Mama to Raina (9/06) and Peter (8/09)!
ErinBird is offline  
#9 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 09:58 AM
 
lilylove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: SE MI
Posts: 4,940
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My Dh and I both see managing the home as a responsibility we share. He lives here too. Everyone contributes. Our goal is to work together as a team, both to raise our children and to take care of our home. Because I stay home, I do much more with the kids and the house, but he pitches in whenever he is home.

Sandy, proud mama and henna artist. :
lilylove is offline  
#10 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 10:58 AM
 
twinmomplusone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 88
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Its sad but my husband feels the same way. We have had countless arguments because he feels since I am home all day that I should handle all the housework, cooking and the kids. Yea I said the kids too, he doesnt help much with them either...
twinmomplusone is offline  
#11 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 11:27 AM
 
maliceinwonderland's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,695
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I plan on taking care of housework, meals and the kids when I take my year leave (starting next month, w0ot!). My SO is home currently, but will be finding work while I'm on leave. I do think it's nice if the SAHP can keep up with some things. I know I hate coming home and doing a mountain of laundry after dealing with the crap I get at work all day. But during March break, when I came home and the place looked like it exploded but SO and dd seemed like they'd had a wonderful day, I really didn't care. If she's well taken care of, I can pick up the slack on cleaning etc.

Personally, I plan on taking care of everything home related when I'm on leave because I like the challenge. The thought of homeschooling dd, taking care of the new baby, keeping the place clean and having dinner on the table for SO when he gets home is way more exciting than WOTH. I get zero job satisfaction from working for other people. Give me a screaming kid and a mountain of laundry to do. That's real work!

Some people don't get the joy I get out of a freshly scrubbed floor, and that's fine too I think each couple needs to work out an arrangement that leaves everyone feeling happy and appreciated.
maliceinwonderland is offline  
#12 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 11:30 AM
 
FiddleMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 603
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have a 15 month old and I am pg with #2. I work two nights a week out of my home but I am mostly a SAHM. The way my DH sees it (thank GOD!), is that my full time job is taking care of our child and his full time job is outside of the home. So I do what housework I can while our son is napping or while I can incorporate him in it (which, as we all know, slows everything waaaaaaaaaaay down) and he is the primary caregiver in the evenings and weekends and he does what housework he can during naps and such. Anyone who thinks otherwise has clearly never been home with a child all day- they need your undivided attention while they are awake. Housework comes second.
FiddleMama is offline  
#13 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 11:36 AM
 
<<<Scarlet>>>'s Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: s. florida
Posts: 1,348
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I do most of the house work. And when I say most I mean 95%.
He will do dishes once MAYBE twice a week. And he takes out the trash (putting it in the trunk and driving it to the dumpster)...
He used to do none of the above, and we are working on giving him more responsibility since I am now working about 12 hours a week, and could use an extra hand....

dishes, picking up toys, vaccuming, cleaning the big wall mirror, sweeping/wiping down the floor, picking up dirty laundry all takes me an hour hour in the evening... but with dh's help, it could take 30 minutes !!!!

mother to E-(8).... A-(6) .... & N-(5)
Vivian Claire born 3-11-10.... ...still an , extendedmomma :
<<<Scarlet>>> is offline  
#14 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 12:33 PM
 
angel1895's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,577
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommaToThree View Post
I do most of the house work. And when I say most I mean 95%.
He will do dishes once MAYBE twice a week. And he takes out the trash (putting it in the trunk and driving it to the dumpster)...
He used to do none of the above, and we are working on giving him more responsibility since I am now working about 12 hours a week, and could use an extra hand....

dishes, picking up toys, vaccuming, cleaning the big wall mirror, sweeping/wiping down the floor, picking up dirty laundry all takes me an hour hour in the evening... but with dh's help, it could take 30 minutes !!!!
I hear ya there... I keep telling dh.. double teaming could save us half the time... but I'm lucky if he takes the garbage out everyother day.. and maybe will rinse dishes and load the dishwasher everyother week

Crys - mom to DS, C (6/04) expecting twins 2/23/13 joy.gif

angel1895 is offline  
#15 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 12:37 PM
 
Dov'sMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 1,695
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
She's nuts.
Dov'sMom is offline  
#16 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 01:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
FillingMyQuiver's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: searching for my sanity
Posts: 3,216
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
As I said in the OP, I have 2 toddlers and am pg w/ #3. BUT I do MOST of the housework. DH has only a few chores, empty dishwasher at night, take out the trash, and some light cleaning on the weekend. I do ALL the laundry (including putting DH's clothes away), most of the cooking, most of the diaper changing, and most of the cleaning. I really didn't think DH did a whole heck of a lot. His coworker just got me curious about what other families do.

I do TRY to take care of all the housework, but the care of the kids is my primary job.

Jenn<>< crunchy conservative mama to 6 fencing.gif reading.gif notes2.gif fly-by-nursing2.gif

knit.gifand sewmachine.gif my way through my stash.

FillingMyQuiver is offline  
#17 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 01:43 PM
 
Getz's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 925
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I do most of the housework, but it is just easier to do it than fight DH to help! I do refuse to take out the trash or do the lawn maintenance.

I say that each couple has to work out what is best for them. The lady is nuts!
Getz is offline  
#18 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 01:45 PM
 
daniedb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,336
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
That's crazy talk! Here's our deal - my job is to raise my kids. It takes almost every ounce of energy I have to interact, teach, redirect, protect our 3 yo and 4 mo. The housework is a distant second. I don't get a lunch hour, I don't get coffee breaks, I don't get corporate dinners of steak and wine, I don't get an hour in the car every day without someone screaming or demanding or whining or chatting...my career is just as important as his.

The housework, while I try to keep up with most of it myself, is never going to be a one-person job. Since our kiddos are too small to pick up and clean, there are two capable adults that live in this house and make messes and need to clean up after themselves. He uses the toilet, no? He showers in his shower, no? He wears and dirties clothes, no? He walks on the carpet which contributes to it needing to be vacuumed, no? Why the hell shouldn't he be a grown-up who cleans up his own messes?

I don't get that at all - if we use the same logic, then our children should never have to pick up a thing, or clean or have chores or responsibilities. After all, they're not SAHMs! Why should kids have to clean anything ever? If it's all mom's job because she's home all day, then why should anyone else ever pick anything up?

That attitude burns me up, if you can't tell.

Mama to H (6) B (3) : A (1)
daniedb is offline  
#19 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 01:46 PM
 
TinkerBelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 3,282
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by twinmomplusone View Post
Its sad but my husband feels the same way. We have had countless arguments because he feels since I am home all day that I should handle all the housework, cooking and the kids. Yea I said the kids too, he doesnt help much with them either...

He just wants to live as if he were single, doesn't he? But with a maid.
TinkerBelle is offline  
#20 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 01:49 PM
 
Lady Madonna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Washington State
Posts: 604
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow, no way. As the SAHP, I do manage most of the household stuff, but DH is certainly expected to do a reasonable share, just as my 3-year-old DD is. They live in the house, they're responsible for appropriate shares of the housework! For example, my DD is expected to get her dirty laundry in the hamper - why on earth would I expect less of my DH?

I was not put on this earth to fetch and carry for anyone; I'll do it lovingly as a kindness to the people I care about, but not because it's expected of me!

Mama to DD : (7/23/03) & DS : (10/27/06) married to DH 7/20/01
and yet 90% more mainstream than the rest of MDC
Lady Madonna is offline  
#21 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 01:54 PM
 
Village Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Beautiful British Columbia
Posts: 3,325
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My partner does a ton of the housework... its never ending!. We have a pretty equal relationship. When he is home he does lots and lots of housework, wakes up early with the kids every morning and makes them breakfast and does the nighttime routine with them as well. He misses them when he is at work so he enjoys spending time with them when he is home.I am pretty lucky as far as I can see in comparison to many relationships that I see around me.
When we are both home though we can get the house in really top shape in an hour together. I take care of all of the main meals( besides the kids breakfast) and organising everything ( homeschooling, finances, household, mealplanning etc.) We both have it good in my opinion!

:
Village Mama is offline  
#22 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 01:57 PM
 
Flower of Bliss's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,577
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DH does most of our housework. I do most of the laundry (though he often picks up slack on that) and all of the money management and paperwork. He does most of the cooking and subsequent cleaning, takes out the trash, cleans out the kitty litter, etc. We recently hired someone to do the basic house cleaning (floors, dusting, bathrooms, kitchen) as I wasn't accomplishing much of that with DD on me 24/7, and we wanted DH to be with us in the evenings/weekends, not cleaning house. When DD will go to daddy for a little while I want a break, not to scrub the bathrooms.

SAHM to flower.gif DD1 8/06 , loveeyes.gif DD2 8/09 , and bfinfant.gifDD3 9/12  married to geek.gif 6/99.  We homeschool.gif, cd.gif, homebirth.jpg, familybed2.gif, and lots of wash.gif and dishes.gif.

Flower of Bliss is offline  
#23 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 01:57 PM
 
MommytoTwo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Actually, its Mommy to Three now
Posts: 3,864
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I dont agree with her. I dont expect my DH to do a whole lot when he gets home but I do expect him to take out garbage, keep up with the lawn and household repairs, help pick up if its a mess and above all else - PICK UP AFTER HIMSELF. No need to make my job harder than it is.

I dont expect him to do laundry or dishes etc during the week but I do on weekends. He does bathe the kids every night and gets them ready for bed while I clean up after dinner.
MommytoTwo is offline  
#24 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 02:00 PM
 
ncas72's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My MIL feels this way too. But I do not. I do take care of most of the household cleaning and management but DH is responsible for taking out the garbage, clearing the dinner table and putting food away, cleaning the living room and dining room, cleaning the downstairs bathroom and fixing anything that needs repairs in the house or the cars. I take care of DS and do any other housework.

However, sometimes I do DH's household chores and he does mine. Especially on weekends. We tend to take chores on 50/50 on weekends. He also cooks dinner on Saturday and Sunday.

Neeka - mom to DS-4 and wife to computer fanatic DH
ncas72 is offline  
#25 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 02:03 PM
 
Sharlla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Springfield Mo
Posts: 11,638
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
His job = 100% work outside of the home
My job = 100% house work
Our job 50/50 child care.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

Sharlla is offline  
#26 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 02:10 PM
 
Hazelnut's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,225
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think that's insane. It's not only extremely difficult to take care of housework when you're home with kids, but housework is 24/7, and most jobs are not. Enough said. She's just rude.
Hazelnut is offline  
#27 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 02:27 PM
 
Sharlla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Springfield Mo
Posts: 11,638
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazelnut View Post
but housework is 24/7
Not really.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

Sharlla is offline  
#28 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 02:32 PM
 
edamommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 2,976
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was a sahm for 3 years and I did all the house work. I did consider it part of my sahm "job". the problem with this is that now I work 40 hrs a week, do all the house work and child care for ds (he's four, goes to preschool full-time). So, I think next time I would MAKE dh be responsible for SOME housework so that he doesn't get out of the "groove" of it! it's hard hard hard to retrain men!:
edamommy is offline  
#29 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 02:36 PM
 
angel1895's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,577
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazelnut View Post
I think that's insane. It's not only extremely difficult to take care of housework when you're home with kids, but housework is 24/7, and most jobs are not. Enough said. She's just rude.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharlla View Post
Not really.
nah.. just 23/6.5

Crys - mom to DS, C (6/04) expecting twins 2/23/13 joy.gif

angel1895 is offline  
#30 of 140 Old 03-20-2007, 04:20 PM
 
Hazelnut's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,225
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well then we can agree to disagree. No, I'm not cleaning literally 24/7, but picking up, dishes, chores, etc. don't go away because it's 5pm or 7pm or whenever else. It's constant. There is no end of the workday b/c I live there, unlike my spouse's job.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharlla View Post
Not really.
Hazelnut is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off