Does your husband CONTROL the finances? VENT loooong - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 41 Old 05-10-2007, 03:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
Normal, loving men (or providing spouses of either gender, to be honest) do not use budgets and money to dominate their partner.
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I've been the "breadwinner", and the SAH spouse. Nothing changed, except that dh now has his name on the chequing account. (The bank wouldn't let us put his name on until he became a legal resident of Canada, and he got a job shortly afterwards.) It was our money when I WOH, and it's our money now that he WOH. We discuss all financial decisions. Money has never been an issue for us, even when we have none. It was always an issue with my ex.

You are in a partnership, and you're being treated like an employee...or a slave.


OP: Stop trying to justify yourself. Stop worrying about whether he sees you as a desirable wife and mother. You are. HE IS THE ONE WITH THE ISSUE. He wants you to take ownership of his crap, because then he can blame you for everything that's wrong. I can't tell you not to accept his game, because you have to be ready to hear it. But, he is playing games with you...money is the gameboard and your children are the stakes.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
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#32 of 41 Old 05-10-2007, 03:48 PM
 
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I'm actually a little disturbed to see this in the SAHM forum.

OP, you are a battered wife. Others have posted it more politely but the way your DH controls you through money is abusive. It is almost never better for the children to grow up in an abusive home. It certainly isn't better for you.

Find a women's shelter and ask for help if you have no family or friends you can count on. Seek counseling for yourself at the very least. If your DH will go, GREAT. If not, you go and get yourself taken care of.

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#33 of 41 Old 05-10-2007, 04:45 PM
 
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It sounds like you are stuck in victim mode. You were on the right track to take money out to pay for a lawyer. He'll be taking you off of that account fast enough. Keep up the brazenness and get some power back. Repeat..."I am NOT a victim" If he wants to treat you like a victim, that's his choice, but cowering into the role is your choice. And you do have choices. Stop thinking about what everyone else thinks about him. They don't live with him.


I think that you should see a lawyer who can tell you exactly what to do and how to do it. Good partners don't compare you to everyone else in the neighborhood. He is abusing you, but you don't have to BE abused.
Lisa

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#34 of 41 Old 05-10-2007, 08:01 PM
 
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Oh my dear Mama!!!!

I am glad counselling has started. Please keep us informed on how it goes.

While my situation has not been exactly alike there have been times when my marriage was so empty and I wondered WTF the point was. I too have asked myself these questions... where would I go? how would I pay for things? would I be able to do it on my own?

Getting counselling is a good start. A good counsellor will see what is going on and be able to shed some light on the situation. Of course where counselling goes depends on how committed both parties are. (We went to a counsellor once who actually asked us to stop coming because dh wasn't talking about himself, only blaming me, and basically we were wasting his time. This was very disheartening.)

My point is you've made a good step in a new direction. We don't know where it will lead but good for you for making him go to counselling. And kudos to you for putting all the bills in his name!!! He needs to have some responsibilities put into his lap!!!

Don't be a doormat. You've stood up to him, now you need to continue to do that. Tell him what you need. Even if he doesn't hear it. Keep telling him. Eventually it will get through. Remember the squeaky wheel that gets the oil?

Take care of you!!!!! And please continue to write we are here for you Mama!

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#35 of 41 Old 05-11-2007, 04:59 PM
 
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It surprises me just how many posts I've seen on this forum from women in similar situations. I just don't get it.

If you are a family, then you are one unit. There shouldn't be "his money" and "her money" - it is all family money. We aren't even married and have had a joint checking account for some time now. It was just a part of becoming a family for us.

Our debts are also joint. Even the debts he accrued with his first babymama, I consider mine because we are in this together.

I couldn't be with a man that didn't see things this way. We both make different contributions to the family (He brings home most our our income, I do most of the things required to run our home), but they are both equally valuable. We are a family, a partnership - not a dictatorship.

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#36 of 41 Old 05-11-2007, 05:50 PM
 
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You poor girl... I hope you continue writing to us, too. Things sound so horrible but just remember; IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS.

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#37 of 41 Old 05-11-2007, 09:00 PM
 
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Oh, Mama!! I truly feel for you!!

There are three things I learned about life. It goes on. -Longfellow

 

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#38 of 41 Old 05-12-2007, 10:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
If you are a family, then you are one unit. There shouldn't be "his money" and "her money" - it is all family money. We aren't even married and have had a joint checking account for some time now. It was just a part of becoming a family for us.

Our debts are also joint. Even the debts he accrued with his first babymama, I consider mine because we are in this together.

I couldn't be with a man that didn't see things this way. We both make different contributions to the family (He brings home most our our income, I do most of the things required to run our home), but they are both equally valuable. We are a family, a partnership - not a dictatorship.
How wonderful for you pinksprklybarefoot that this works for you!
I *totally* agree!!! However getting my dh to see that is another story!!!
Hopefully in time he will see that we are in this together!!!!
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#39 of 41 Old 05-13-2007, 03:48 PM
 
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i agree, this is abuse, plain and simple.

i ask you this - do you want your daughters to grow up and be treated this way by their spouses? do you want your sons to grow up and treat their spouses this way? you need to teach them that this behavior is *not OK* - the only way i see to do that, frankly, is to leave.

i honestly can't imagine how your financial situation could get much worse. if you were on your own you would at least qualify for food stamps, WIC, etc. because you wouldn't have his income holding you back from it. and i can't imagine why a divorce court wouldn't grant you child support for the kids that are his, if not spousal support to boot.

at the very least, take all your checking account records (which document all the bills you pay out of that account and what $$ is being deposited, to show that he's not giving you any) and put them in a safe deposit box, take them to your mom's house, or someplace else that you're sure is safe. you need to at least keep the financial documentation and "proof" that you are shouldering all this burden so that if it does come down to divorce, you will have it to show the court. i can't imagine a judge in the world that would not give you plenty of child support, and even spousal support, in a situation like that. probably even a portion of any investments or retirement accounts he might have as well. if you're not ready to leave right now, just at least protect that information in case you need to use it later. for the sake of your kids.
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#40 of 41 Old 05-13-2007, 06:44 PM
 
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this is NOT cool at all. if i were you, i would contact a lawyer - don't they have free 1/2 hour consults where you live? call the women's shelter ... they should know some good lawyers. depending where you live, regardless of the money your husband keeps, you are entitled to HALF. even if it's in his name. find OUT. i wouldn't stick around. you deserve better. i would start finding some documents and making a paper trail and have everything in place before you leave so he cannot hide everything. you cannot stay married and live in a situation like that. your kids need you to be HEALTHY, not married to an @#$.

i stay at home. my husband works. he puts ALL his money in a joint account. i pay all the bills and take care of the day-day finances. he takes care of savings - which are in BOTH are names. in 5 years time or so, when i'm working full time and he's home, i will be doing the same thing.

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#41 of 41 Old 05-14-2007, 03:39 PM
 
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OP, your situation is terrible. I agree with much of what has already been expressed regarding the abuse in your relationship, abuse of you and your children, etc....

One thing that was mentioned is that the child support that you are using to pay to support your husband and all of the dc, does belong to the dc of the father who is contributing, no? I mean, if your ex found out that he was paying your husband's bills and for him to be able to afford golf and big screen tvs, could he not then go to court to have the support order withdrawn or at least reduced? This other man is PAYING a complete stranger's bills! I cannot imagibne that he is agreeable to this.

Obviously there are more urgent matters at hand, but aren't you concerned that you'll lose the support from your ex if you don't do something to stop this? Can't you at least put that money away into some sort of account that prevents its being spent (until the children are certain ages), especially because you clearly wouldn't need it at all if your husband were contributing his share to the life you both agree to live (although obviously he's the one living it : )?

Please keep us posted.

Well, I've been absent for 8 months, and during that time, it turns out that I have completely transformed. You are all precious. Thank you for being here and sharing your lives. You are truly a gift. namaste.gif Jan. 23, 2012

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