I'm not enjoying being a SAHM mom - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 29 Old 05-24-2007, 08:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Here's the (very abbreviated) version of the last five years. Dd was born, and I was a SAHM for two years while dh worked two jobs to support our decision. I basically went looney after two years and dh and I separated. I went back to work and put dd in daycare. Dh and I reconciled not quite two years later and I continued to work until this past January.

I have tried to be a very attached mom from the get go. Dh and I are mostly on the same page about parenting and life in general. My problem is I don't know what to do with a five year old all day. Wait, that's just one of my problems. Seriously, I think I am majorly depressed. I've gained quite a bit of weight in the last year and am trying to find the motivation to start working out and lose the weight. In the meantime, I have nothing that fits. We don't have a lot of money to buy clothes and honestly I don't even want to go shopping. I had two pairs of jeans, one with a hole in them and one with a wanky zipper. Around the house I wear the holey ones and if I absolutely have to go somewhere I would wear the wanky ones. Well, today as I was leaving the vet, I fell and ripped a hole in the knee of my jeans and bruised the heck out of my knee to boot! I know that I need to get out, make mommy friends, go out with dh, spend some time away from dd, but I'm too embarrased to even walk out the door!

I really thought I was interesting and had a life and I am beginning to think I am super dull. Dh only talks about work, so I guess our marriage is in a bit of a rut, but nothing that can't be worked out. I have nothing outside of our house. Then there is the house. So many projects that I want to do, most of which involve at least some money. Of which we have none. I could go on.

Then there is my bright, loving, sensitive, beautiful dd. I'm bored to death. She has no friends because god forbid I actually go anywhere. There is a parenting group that I try to do things on the rare day I feel like going somewhere. The problem is that I haven't connected with any of the moms and it doesn't really matter to them if I am there or not. So dd has all these imaginary friends. I don't know what to do with her or how to interact with her. I never had a lot of friends or kids to play with growing up and my mom never payed that much attention to me. I so don't want that for her. As I type this I am crying because I feel that she needs more from me than I know how to give. All I want is to be a good wife and mother. And occasionally some time to myself to explore some type of hobby or interest. I don't even know what I want to do as a hobby. I am really feeling sorry for myself, aren't I?! It's usually not this bad. I blame my dh. He called me on his way home from work to ask about my day and I was telling him how horrible I was feeling and the phone died. Which made me feel very unimportant. How hard is it to make sure your phone is charged before you leave work?

Here's the kicker: I planned on homeschooling dd. At this point though, I feel she may be better off going to school and running far far away from her crazy mom!

I don't know if I'm making any sense and I'm too emotional to read through this again. I just needed to let it out. Thanks for listening.
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#2 of 29 Old 05-24-2007, 09:01 PM
 
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i don't have much in the way of advice, but i can tell you i have felt the same way. i don't really know how i got past it, but i will think about it and respond more later.
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#3 of 29 Old 05-24-2007, 09:02 PM
 
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#4 of 29 Old 05-24-2007, 09:57 PM
 
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I have a lot of those same feelings. I have a few playgroup type things, and honestly only one of them I have ever enjoyed going to, but often it feels like it's not worth the effort it takes to get out the door to go. I really relate to that. the days where we are in the house (or backyard, whatever) are the worst. I feel like not only am I bored, dd isn't getting any stimulation.

I also plan to homeschool, mostly because the public schools around here suck, dd has some special needs, and we'll never afford private. but the prospect of being a sahm for the next 10+ yrs makes me want to .... well you know. and NOT because I don't love being with my kid.

anyways- I advise you to check out the GPT thread in the WAHM forum. at least maybe a little spending money would help, I know it helps us when we have it.

DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
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#5 of 29 Old 05-24-2007, 10:23 PM
 
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I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time.

I know that sometimes you may not feel like going to a playgroup but why not do it for your child? Just sit there and be bored the entire time, at least your child will be having a great time. Also, there are a couple of main reasons why people don't "click" at the playgroups. (1) because they don't go enough (2) because it's not the right group. But seriously, I think #1 is the main one. I've been in numerous groups and sometimes it can be really hard to make friends with newbies when they only come once a month or once every two months, because sometimes us long-timers are a bit shy, too!! And since we've been in the group for ages, we get busy talking with all the friends we have made and sometimes forget to go out of our way to make friends with the new mamas, or even if we do, the new mama may not feel incredibly impressed by us immediately.

Just keep trying, please! I swear, joining a moms club saved my sanity so much that I feel every single stay-at-home parent should join and participate in playgroups and clubs as much as possible.

If you are convinced that the playgroup you are in is not for you, then try more groups.

Here's a list of Attachment Parenting International Groups in Texas:
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/group/webtx.shtml

Here is a MOMS Club link, so you can find out what chapter would be for your area: http://www.momsclub.com/join.html

Matching Moms:
http://www.matchingmoms.org/

Meetup:
http://www.meetup.com/
Click on your area to find some mom and child meetups.

If you are going to homeschool, or even just thinking about it, join one or two of your local homeschool groups. Try looking in your local free parenting magazines under the calendar and support group areas and join them.

Also, contact your nearest local library and make sure that you go every week to the free children's story time. For your 5 year old, there are sure to be free children's classes, too, fun educational activites, crafts and classes periodically. While your children has fun learning, doing and interacting, you can explore with her or sit there reading or chat with a few other moms who are sitting there with their children, too.

Once you meet some moms with children who seem to click or are similar ages to yours, then set up a day and host a playdate. If you don't want to have it at your home or in your yard, choose a local playground and invite 3-5 moms for a 2 hour playdate. If you do that once a week or every two weeks, it won't be long before your daughter starts making some friends, really starting to click with some of the children and chances are, you will click with some of their moms. When I did this, lo and behold, after a few weeks, some of the moms started hosting a Friday playdate themselves and inviting all of us. It was so great!!

One of the great things about clubs like MOMS Club is that most chapters have a monthly calendar and newsletter. What our chapter did was having a group activity every Tues and every Thursday. Sometimes it would be a field trip, usually free, but sometimes at a group rate, and we would all meet there. Usually every week there would be one playground get-together. Plus, once a month there would be a moms night out, where we would vote on what we wanted to do. Frequently it would be a night out for the moms, where we'd go to a restaurant or coffee house and eat appetizers or supper together. Sometimes it would be a paint-your-own-pottery night or a cooking club (potluck party) or a cheap manicure/pedicure at a local vocational college or a movie night at someone's house. These nights were such a great way to unwind and justr recharge a mama's mind and soul and a nice way to bond again, with other mamas. Usually, our moms night outs had anywhere from 10-16 mothers, so it wasn't hard to find a few mamas who you really got to know and enjoy, even if you didn't feel like you wanted to be best friends with everyone. Remember, all of the other mothers in that group are looking for new friends and/or friends for their children, exactly the same as you!

What I love about field trips and classes were that I felt no pressure to socialize with others. We would get a discounted (or free) group rate to fun local attractions that I might never have thought to go to, and my children and I could enjoy a fun and interesting activity. No pressure, no having to think of "what should we do" and just the fact that we were in a group meant that we could follow the lead of others and do what they did, or branch off a little and do what we chose.

Once I started getting into these groups, I delve even further, by getting involved in running a group or two, organizing events, coming up with ideas and even publishing newsletters and such. It was amazing how much fulfillment I got out of doing those seemingly mundane tasks. Truth is, I got to make the club into what I wanted it to be, and that was a great feeling. Plus, I felt like I had a purpose outside of being a Stay at home mommy and it was really good for my sanity. Really, really good. And it forced me to be more sociable than I was naturally inclined. Since I was on the board of the club, I needed to make sure I talked to every new person, introduced, tried to make them feel invited and comfy, and soon enough, I knew everyone and everyone knew me.

Though you might not want to do everything that I did, please do pick and choose and do as much as you can. I swear, if I were to stay home all the time, my children and I would not be very happy. Instead, we have a full and varied and busy, busy social life going out and doing things as often as we want. We get to pick and choose from our calendars and groups and can do things every day if we please and rarely be home, which we do sometimes, or we can stay home whenever we feel like it, because we want to and want to enjoy being at home, instead of because we have no other fun choices.

Good luck! Feel free to PM me if you want any more ideas or info. I tried to keep the above relatively brief...(not my forte, obviously!)
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#6 of 29 Old 05-24-2007, 10:40 PM
 
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Besides all the mothering and wifing stuff, what is your passion in life?

What do you and dd d all day now? Are you depressed? (if so were you generally always low mood or depressed or do you think it's situational?) How did you feel when you were working, as a mother and as a human?

I don't think working moms have failed "AP 101", I also don't think SAMing is for everyone.

Find a medium, compromise that works for YOUR family. It may not be how everyone else does it, and it may not fit your internalized "what a good mommy does" list.

But feeling like this for five minutes, let alone FIVE YEARS isn't normal. You sound as if you are suffering.

does your husband know? does your child know? it isn't self-sacrifice to push through until she's in school, it's going to effect everyone.

Carrie, The Birthteacher CCE and Doula, real mom to five; and womb-mom to G. born at 23w by emergency C. 12/09
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#7 of 29 Old 05-24-2007, 10:41 PM
 
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Do you want to go back to work? Is that feasible for you?

I've always been a believer that a woman needs to do what works for her and her family. If staying home is driving her crazy, she can make her family happier by working. There's no magic formula.

DD 01/2007, DS 09/2011

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#8 of 29 Old 05-24-2007, 10:44 PM
 
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Kariann!! Some of your post just hit me in my heart! I know that feeling... honestly I think for me it was mild depression and not necessarily my $$ or social circumstances. I fight the funk with exercise. There's a lot of research supporting regular exercise with helping to fight some of the depression feelings. I don't know about your area, but if you could take dd for a walk in the neighborhood it would do you both wonders! Maybe she'd find a friend her own age - maybe not.. maybe a nice retired person or a mail carrier. Any sort of interaction is a great start. And it may just get you moving to more things, like parenting groups. - Which btw RiverSky I appreciate the reminder of regular attendance.. I am totally sucky at that and you made some really good points
s to you mama!

Librarian & mommy to my jog.gif(2002) & jammin.gif (2005) married to superhero.gifsince 1999
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#9 of 29 Old 05-24-2007, 10:48 PM
 
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Kariann,
I would love to help you.

First off--I think if you don't think you are a good fit for homeschooling, then by all means send your girl to school. I feel like I am a pretty darn good SAHM, but I couldn't homeschool. There are a million reasons why and I won't waste your time telling you mine--but if it doesn't work for you then don't force yourself into it.

Life is too short to spend it miserable. I know that you are not miserable all of the time, but it sounds like overall you are not generally happy. What was your job before? Would you be happier going back to that?

I have been a SAHM for 13 years (since my first child was born) and I have had my ups and downs with it. I am not really a hobby person--or even one that has many friends. I am a true introvert, and don't like to socialize much--but I did force myself (because I think SAHMing is a job like any other) to take my kids to playgroups and activities and the park and library before they started school. After school started for them, they tended to get lots of socialization there, and would want to come home and have some quiet time, which worked out beautifully. In the summer months I throw myself into finding activities for us to do--go to the park, storytime at the library once a week, taking walks together. This is all stuff I would never do for myself, but I do it for them as this is part of my job at home.

What size do you wear? I would be happy to give you some clothes if you PM me with your size and we are similar.

Hugs,
Lisa
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#10 of 29 Old 05-24-2007, 10:54 PM
 
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Karianne -

I could have written your post I'm new at the SAHM gig, and have a thread on the WOHM forum discussing going back to work, for most of the reasons you've listed above. I feel like I'm just...lacking. I get bored too easily...and getting the babe ready to go out can just be so much effort.

So all of this to sub, and to say I understand. Hang in there - here's hoping it gets better.

Sandi

Sandi - Work at home writer mama to Zoe the monkey girl 9/06 and Luna the zen baby 8/08
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#11 of 29 Old 05-25-2007, 01:16 AM
 
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You know, I think that almost all SAHMs (well, okay, I believe that ALL of us go through cycles of feelings, and the people who say they NEVER EVER get in a low dip of emotions while SAHMing are lying, but perhaps that's my own cynicism there) go through feelings of isolation/frustration/who-the-hell-am-I-anymore.

I'm pretty sure that most parents, period, have echoes of that in their lives. So I don't believe you're a failure. It does sound like you've been on a roller coaster the last 5 years. And if you think about it, reconciling a marriage is very stressful (even though it's a 'happy' stress, it's still going to impact you mentally and physiologically!). Combine that with you leaving your work again, and that's a wallop that a lot of people would have trouble dealing with. Plus, you have that experience of feeling like you were going crazy before, when everything else was going crazy. So as much as you can, give yourself some credit. Having mixed/negative feelings about this is probably bleeding in from multiple sources and *in no way* reflects poorly upon you being a good wife or mother.

Also keep in mind that your child reaching 'school age' is a HUGE milestone in mama-mentality. At least, that is true for me and just about all the mamas I know personally who have kids my DD's age (she's 5, and will be going to K in the fall). I don't have any hobbies. I do have some nice friends, but it's not like BFF or how it was in my early 20s, it's a different kind of friendship. Organizations are not my thing, though I did meet some nice folks by getting involved in a moms club and volunteering with one for awhile. Kept some friends with that but drifted away.

I think it's natural to wonder who you are, when your child is changing very rapidly to wanting and being able to be more independent. Really, I'm *not* who I was 3 years ago (3 kids under 2). Or even one year ago. And I'll never be again who I was pre-kids, that changes you for life. In real life, people change. We become many different people over our lifetimes. I don't expect I'll be the same person when I'm 60, either. It might help if you try to think of this not as loosing an anchor (whatever you perceived your 'old self' to be) but as moving forward with a blank slate of opportunity.

Maybe you will go back to work in a job you love. Maybe you will decide to give HSing a shot and love it. Maybe you'll poke around the internet and see something that strikes your fancy as a hobby (like letterboxing, for example) and try it just for the hell of it and find something you like. Maybe you'll have to tread water for awhile.

Don't not talk with your partner about this, even though his cell phone died on you. Sometimes having your lover hold you for awhile while you vent can really help. You had a horrible, terrible, rotten, no good day. See if you guys can't squeeze a little something to be able to afford to get you one new pair of pants, even though I know that shopping for them is a real bummer when you've gained weight and don't even look like how you picture yourself (and shopping for clothes is a very rude can't-ignore it slap in the face sometimes). I've totally been there. I've even gone so far as to sob on the poor shop attendant's shoulder (she gave me a big hug and found me a nice pair of jeans, though).

You are not a bad or failing person, mom, or wife for feeling these things. No. It may not be fun for awhile yet, but you will get through it.
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#12 of 29 Old 05-25-2007, 07:58 AM
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Goodness, girl, get yourself back to work and put that baby in kindergarten!

(and look for my PM)
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#13 of 29 Old 05-25-2007, 08:21 AM
 
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I already gave some 2 cents... but wanted to chime in with one more.

I get very apprehensive when I hear people say "not happy at home get a job!" Honestly if you are not happy with life in total, possibly a depression issue, work isn't a magic pill that makes one happy.

Personally I felt as though work would solve my problems about 4 years ago - I went back for 6 months. Even though I couldn't believe it possible - life was actually worse. That's based on my personal family circumstance not women in general (doesn't it suck to always have to put on a disclaimer on what is supposed to be a supportive board?). I figured out it wasn't SAH or WOH - it was ME! I had some mood issues. Since kariann you have had the opportunity to see how each circumstance effects you and your family, I think only you are able to best identify which makes you truly happy or if that even has anything to do with your feeling.

And kudos to Tigerchild! We do all feel that way sometimes.

Librarian & mommy to my jog.gif(2002) & jammin.gif (2005) married to superhero.gifsince 1999
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#14 of 29 Old 05-25-2007, 11:59 AM
 
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Although our circumstances are/were very different, I can completely relate to your feelings of self-pity, sense that nothing can motivate you, and that your life is and will always be miserable and it is either your fault or something in the way you were wired at birth and therefore unfixable. It isn't!!!

I figured out after a year or more of feeling nearly totally numb and crying for hours at time that I was depressed. There are many ways to combat depression. I discovered mine was caused by the birth control pills I was taking. I switched to another method. But I also started excersizing more regularly - it really does help! And I started volunteering - mentoring inmates at the local jail. Doing something for someone else helped me restore my sense of myself as a good and worthwhile person.

If you are depressed, and it sounds like you might well be, I don't think that going back to work or sending your daughter to school will help you. I wish I knew of a good organization to contact, but I know they're out there and if you did an internet search on depression, I'm sure you would find something.

YOU deserve to feel better. And your husband and daughter deserve for you to feel better, too. I feel incredibly blessed that my husband stayed with me through my depression (we weren't yet married, AND I blamed him for most of it). If your husband was willing to come back to your marriage, there's a good chance he can help you through this, too. (My husband didn't even "believe" in mental illness at the time!)

Wife to the man I never expected, DS born at home '07, '08, baby girl born at home Oct '09!
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#15 of 29 Old 05-25-2007, 12:24 PM
 
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s

I've read all the replies and there's lots of good advice.

One thing about friends for your dd. I have found in my life that it is not always necessary for you to be friends with other parents in order for your child to have friends.

Now, I do have some very good friends whose kids are close friends with my kids but it took a long time to find them. I never really meshed with playgroup when my kids were younger. So my kids didn't get included in playdates with other kids from playgroup. But we found other opportunities.

we were lucky that there were nice kids in our neighborhood for my kids to play with. I know this isn't always the case

Also my kids have had good experiences with kids at the playground etc. I'm shy so it's hard for me to make connnections but sometimes it's enough that the kids play.

Also my 5 yo has many friends but he also has a group of imaginary friends. They are like family

Good luck and I hope you keep posting.
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#16 of 29 Old 05-25-2007, 03:13 PM
 
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I just wanted to say that I really relate to your post. I am enjoying reading the respnses as well. I don't have much to add but to tell you I am there as well.
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#17 of 29 Old 05-26-2007, 09:17 AM
 
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I relate to your post, too. I was a SAHM but was very unhappy that way, so went back to work.
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#18 of 29 Old 05-26-2007, 09:38 AM
 
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Personally I think a bright, sensitive five-year-old could thrive in school. Preschoolers are often intensely social, whether they show it or not. Whether or not you want to get a job, having her in school could (a) give you time to figure out want you *really* want to do with your days, and (b) let you "recharge" and feel able to really give your whole self to your daughter when you reconnect.

I work full-time: my daughter goes to a morning Montessori preschool and then a few hours of aftercare (my husband owns his own business and my hours are flexible, so we don't need much childcare). I love my job and have never considered staying home; however, I took a lengthy leave when she was a baby. I found that when I returned to my job I was SO HAPPY to come home and see my baby again---not that I wasn't happy being with her 24/7 during the leave, but I was often distracted with the details of day-to-day kid-care, laundry, etc. Working allows me to really *be* with her when I am with her, if that makes any sense.
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#19 of 29 Old 05-27-2007, 06:24 AM
 
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I agree with alot of what Riversky was saying. I stay at home most of the time, and moved right before my second was born, and felt very alone for awhile. Until another mama told me to get out there! I did! I hit up every playgroup and homeschooling class, kids museum, playground, storytime. I am a pretty social person, though, so I can talk to strangers easily, eventually I found some natural mamas I could relate too. I homeschool too, so I would suggest also looking for homeschooling groups and co-ops.

When I wanted more, I started my own chapter of the Holistic Moms Network in my area. There are some in Texas, too, if you are interested.
I also am one who needs my own thing going on, so I went to massage school for one weekend a month for 2 years. I got to get out, have adult conversations, and learn something that was fun.

As far as not knowing what to do with your dd, get her involved in your cleaning, cooking, take time to read with her, play a board game, do an art project, all that good stuff. But do get her out and get some friends. I had to get my kids out to meet others because if we stayed home they would drive me nuts.

Sorry I'm going on and on. You really are the one who has to dig deep and determine what you really want. I would hate that you just give up staying home and homeschooling because you are having a tough time, if thats what you really want to do.

As for looking dumpy, all of us moms go through that; I say just get over it. Like getting yourself all dressed than having the kids dump yogurt on you...
we all dont have the time to look like a million bucks anymore and most sahm's and homeschoolers will relate. Find some clothes at freecycle or something. And in getting out the door; have a bag of stuff that you need ready at the door or in the car so you dont have to run around gathering it up, and pack a lunch, snacks and water bottles the night before because you'll always need to have some when you go out for the day.

I'm sorry you are feeling bad, but I have gone through it before and I had to take much action to fill my life with good and fun things that my kids and myself enjoy.
It also helps to have a good cry it out with a girlfriend, sister or something when you are feeling down. Good luck to you mama, hang in there!

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#20 of 29 Old 05-27-2007, 07:19 AM
 
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Just my opinion, but I think lack of interest in everything, including hobbies that have nothing to do with the child, really sounds like depression. IMO it's not a real fix to just distract yourself with a job and put your child in school just to keep her "far away from her crazy mom." I think you need real help for the depression before you can make a final decision about wohm, sahm, homeschool, or public school. Maybe put your DD in kindy until you get your mental health in the right place if that's what you need to do right now, but that doesn't mean it has to be permanent.

Single mom of 2 boys
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#21 of 29 Old 05-27-2007, 07:40 AM
 
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I'm one of those who doesnt think every sad and dull moment one should jump to say its "depression". Staying at home can be very isolating, sometimes you feel you have lost your self for your children. Sometimes you are going through a major shift in growth and dont understand why things arent going your way. Sometimes its just a crappy day and you want to complain.
Or you can just feel so overwhelmed you dont know what to do.

Be strong and know if you need help; get it. But if things just arent going well, realize everything is changing; it doesn't have to be this way, and really explore exactly what you want; how you visualize the dream life you want, then right it down, and brainstorm on what part of that life you already have and what steps you can take to get more of the life you want.

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#22 of 29 Old 05-27-2007, 03:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's been a couple of days and I've had time to think and process and read all of the wonderful posts. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Sometimes a girl just needs to hear that she isn't the only one! As usual, I have gleaned some great ideas from you all and I intend to use the tips and not sit around griping and saying "Oh woe is me."

bri276 - I've entertained the thought of working part time, but that would involve childcare due to my dh's hours. Personally for our family, I also think it would involve even more stress at this point. As for homeschooling, our public schools suck too. And to afford private would mean me going back to work full time. This adult stuff is such a balance, isn't it?!

Riversky - You made an excellent point that I hadn't even thought of in regards to moms groups. I was so deep in my own stuff that it really didn't occur to me that it takes time to get to know someone and by me only showing up every so often, I was running the risk of now forming any meaningful friendships. Thank you for all of the links and I am going to make time to check them out. I also am going to start attending a homeschool group in my area. I am really going to make an effort to get out there and meet people!

Rockies5 - I have no clue what my passion is and I do believe I am at least slightly depressed. I have made of list of the things I am interested in pursuing so that is a start. I have suffered from depression in the past and was on anti-depressants. I told my therapist if things haven't changed in a couple of months I will consider going back on meds. And you're totally right: I do need to find a balance.

AlexisT - I really don't believe I would be better off going back to work. I just need to be able to balance the needs of myself with the needs of my family. I had a poor role model in my mother. She is a martyr to everyone and growing up I watched her give all she had to make others happy (well, except her daughter, which is another post). I'm more like her in some ways than I would care to admit, YKWIM?

jlpumkin - Exercise! I totally need it. I have never been much for physical fitness and it really wasn't that big of a deal. Now, though, I can see where I am headed if I don't. My weight is getting a little out of control. Dd loves going on walks, so I really don't have an excuse. It would help with so many things, so what am I waiting for?! I agree also that I don't think going back to work is going to solve my own issues and feelings. I hated my job!

slvsquared & Jacob'smomma - I hope it gets better for you too! Let's take some of this great advice and run with it!

threadbey - I need to be more open with dh. I sometimes feel like he doesn't hear me, but to be fair he is a typical male who cannot multitask. In order to have a real conversation, our daughter must be asleep and he can have no other distractions. He is an excellent husband though and I know he will do anything he can to help.

marybethorama - Unfortunately, there aren't any kids where we live. I am going to have to hunt some down! I'm hoping that when we start with the homeschooling group, she will be able to make friends. She is incredibly shy and glued to my side, so it will take a while of getting to know people before she cuts loose. She is like her dad in that respect.

BoysBoysBoys! & waiflywaif - So glad you made the best choice for your family! Like I stated earlier, I don't think going back to work right now is what I want, but I will continue to monitor my feelings about it. I do think I would like to go back to school. A couple of classes a semester would be good for me.

sunanthem - I am going to look into the Holistic Moms Network. And II don't plan on giving up on being at home and homeschooling. I really needed a wake up call though, and this post has been it. I really love the idea of getting ready the night before. I always say things like "Tomorrow we will go and do blah, blah, blah" and then when tomorrow comes I have a great excuse why we can't. I am horrible at planning and organizing. I am getting better and know that I need to be even better because with a five year old, there has to be a plan. I'm not saying a rigid structured day, just some forethought and planning. Getting the snacks and drinks ready the night before will totally help with that.

Quote:
Be strong and know if you need help; get it. But if things just arent going well, realize everything is changing; it doesn't have to be this way, and really explore exactly what you want; how you visualize the dream life you want, then right it down, and brainstorm on what part of that life you already have and what steps you can take to get more of the life you want.
This makes so much sense to me and was very well put. Thank you for that!

Can you tell dh took dd with him?! I was able to type all of this out! A rarity, indeed! If I overlooked a question or response, I apologize. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to respond. Now I am going to get back to cleaning while they are out of my hair. A clean house makes me feel better!
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#23 of 29 Old 05-28-2007, 11:28 AM
 
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Do you want to homeschool, or do you just think you "should"? Do you want to be a SAHM, or do you just think you "should" be one? Were you generally happy with your life when you were working (aside from issues of separation with your dh)? That might give you a clue as to whether your depression is due to circumstances (like being a SAHM) or is due to something deeper. If it's circumstancial, don't be afraid to make changes and consider other options (working part time or full time, enrolling dd in school, hiring a mother's helper to get some "you" time, etc.)

Get out of the guilt trap. Figure out what will work best for your family and forget about all the "shoulds." You do not have to be physically attached to your dd 24/7 to be a good mom or for her to thrive.

I love being home with my kids. I didn't know if I would like SAH, but I do. I love it. Right now, it works out great. But, if I never got away from my kids on occasion, I would go bonkers. I need a life outside of my kids. For me, that means WAH part-time, doing some volunteering, and playing indoor soccer. I'm also not planning to homeschool. I would actually be great at homeschooling: I'm a certified teacher and even write curriculum. My kids might even be better off being homeschooled (I'm good at making sure they get social time, too). But, I want to be able to do my own things. So, ds1 is going to preschool next fall. And I don't feel a bit guilty about that.

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#24 of 29 Old 05-29-2007, 12:16 PM
 
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I have to put in my $0.02. You sound like me when I am depressed. I know that some people can beat the whole depression thing with herbs or changing their thought processes. I am not one of those. I truly believe that I am one of those people whose brain chemical mix is just not quite right. When I am on antidepressants, I am a happy productive person. When I stop taking them, I stay in bed all day. I have now been on them straight for a good year and a half (before it was very off and on), and life has never been better. If I were you, I would try going back on your meds.

A lot of things that seem impossible or too difficult may change for you once your mental health is back in order. You may be happier SAHMing, enjoy moms' groups more, be able to figure out a way to work a couple days a week for sanity's sake.

If dd winds up going to kindergarten for a while (or even the whole year), it's not that big of a deal. You could start the homeschool thing at any time, or even in conjunction with K, especially if it is half-day.

Get your mental state in a better place. The other problems will not look so daunting through the lense of Wellbutrin.

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#25 of 29 Old 05-29-2007, 12:22 PM
 
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I thought of depression, as well, and since you mentioned it again in your second post, I would definitely talk to your care provider sooner rather than waiting. I know that when I realize I'm depressed, it's because I'm DEPRESSED. As in, it's been a while.

Also, I'm in S. Tx, I'm a SAHM and there are days where I would rather stick a spork in my eye than wake up and do it all again. Having a 3 1/2 yo is kicking my butt. I can hook you up with some resources in this area, playgroups and stuff (and you can come over to my house!) if we live near one another, PM me if you're interested in exchanging info. Even if we don't live close, I can give you some good links and info about activities and resources if I know your area.

I hope you're feeling better today and continue to feel good.

Mama to H (6) B (3) : A (1)
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#26 of 29 Old 06-01-2007, 12:44 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Benji'sMom View Post
Just my opinion, but I think lack of interest in everything, including hobbies that have nothing to do with the child, really sounds like depression. IMO it's not a real fix to just distract yourself with a job and put your child in school just to keep her "far away from her crazy mom." I think you need real help for the depression before you can make a final decision about wohm, sahm, homeschool, or public school. Maybe put your DD in kindy until you get your mental health in the right place if that's what you need to do right now, but that doesn't mean it has to be permanent.

: How is it going this week?

While I agree with some of you about starting mom's groups and such that is the same suggestion that the mom's all for her going back to work were making...distraction.

If it works, fine. But while you are searching do a little soul searching as well.

You know, honestly I would have been bananas with only one child, and I get bored out of my gourd with five of them, and homeschooling, and doing LLL, and my own private holistic moms groups, and I attend births, and I'm a Childbirth educator, and I'm just home from doula training, seeing 2 ladies a week as a post-partum doula and I just started selling mary kay again as well...oh and on monday I am entering a fitness competition...but I'm STILL looking for new and interesting things to do with myself and I don't think it had much to do with whether I am a full time mom or not. I've don't the working mom thing too and had just as much going on and still had my episodes of depression.

For some of us it may just be who we are and not what we are or aren't doing.

My suggestion to anyone going through this is to know that it is normal to a degree but that doesn't mean you shouldn't look for answers.

Carrie, The Birthteacher CCE and Doula, real mom to five; and womb-mom to G. born at 23w by emergency C. 12/09
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#27 of 29 Old 06-01-2007, 01:23 AM
 
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there are days where I would rather stick a spork in my eye than wake up and do it all again
send it this way when you're done with it!!

DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
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#28 of 29 Old 06-04-2007, 06:59 PM
 
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I'm relatively new to MDC, but your thread just touched my heart and I had to respond.

First, I understand where you're coming from in regard to your weight, not wanting to go anywhere, not having the clothes or money to buy clothes. I fully understand all of that. And I don't want to sound harsh, but maybe you're using that as an excuse to not HAVE to get out. Please know I'm only saying this to you because I wish someone had said it to me. I think my life would have changed sooner if someone had had the courage to say the hard things.

It DOES sound to me that you're depressed, and if that's so, I suggest you make an appointment to see a doctor. There are many things available to help you out of a depression.

Another thing I might suggest is that you find a local church. I don't know your religious background, but generally a local church will have people that will reach out and befriend you, which sounds like you really need. It would also be good for your daughter to be around other children, whether you choose to homeschool or not.

And onto the subject of homeschooling, it's not for everyone, so don't beat yourself up about it if you choose to send her to school. I DO homeschool, but there are days I question my sanity and my choice to do so. However, if you DO think that this is the direction you should go, research the net, see if you can find a local support group. They're a lifesaver when you're not sure, have questions, or just need someone to rant to. We've all been there, so we're here to support one another.

Finally, if you truly want your life to be different, you're going to have to do some work. Whether it's homeschooling or not, going back to work or staying home, the choice is ultimately one that you and your husband need to decide together. Tell HIM how you feel, and see what he thinks about the whole subject. You might be surprised what you find out.

Let us know how things go, okay?
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#29 of 29 Old 06-05-2007, 08:25 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Benji'sMom View Post
Just my opinion, but I think lack of interest in everything, including hobbies that have nothing to do with the child, really sounds like depression. IMO it's not a real fix to just distract yourself with a job and put your child in school just to keep her "far away from her crazy mom." I think you need real help for the depression before you can make a final decision about wohm, sahm, homeschool, or public school...
Yup. I totally agree with the above. Can I suggest a few things that really helped me with depression? Try fish oil or flax as a dietary supplement. Take a multivitamin, too. Get some sun or get outdoors more and get some regular excersize (preferably with a friend for motivation and to chat). Please put yourself first on this and do something to make yourself feel better. "Cause if Mama aint happy, no one's happy."
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