SAHM: how much say do you have about how your partner's salary is spent? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 02:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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DH can be quite controling about money, saying it's "his" money because I don't work (I SAH). I'm just curious to know how it works in other families.
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#2 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 02:14 AM
 
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i tell him that he has hired me to clean his house and take care of his kids, so its just as much mine. we don't have a lot but i feel free to get a latte whenever i want but anything really more than that we discuss.

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#3 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 02:17 AM
 
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I have as much say or more, actually. I take care of all the finances in addition to all of the other household jobs. We always consult each other about purchases/expenses, etc..., but that kind of mentality would never fly around here. I just wouldn't tolerate it.
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#4 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 02:33 AM
 
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DH's paycheck is *our* paycheck. We both earn it through our combined work in and out of the house.

The garbage your DH is trying to pull wouldn't fly with me for a single moment.

Kim - Wife to Liam , Unschooly mama to Nick (10/00) Lily (09/05) and Olivia (07/09)
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#5 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 02:36 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elfine View Post
DH can be quite controling about money, saying it's "his" money because I don't work (I SAH). I'm just curious to know how it works in other families.
I believe that in any partnership, marital or significant other, the money earned is shared by the whole family.

If one parent works out of the home, and the other stays at home, it is equally both person's money.


My husband works, and I stay at home.
His check is direct deposited into our joint checking account.
I pay all the bills because I'm better at it than he is.
We both hold a debit card and have full access to the checking account.

I have a separate savings account.
His name is not on that account.
He is terrible at saving.
Once he transferred money online from my savings to our checking and spent it (on my birthday).
I was so mad because he spent way too much.
I changed my online access code.
I figure if he wanted to save to get me something for my birthday, he could have saved it from his daily cash commission.
He shouldn't have taking it from our savings.
Sorry, my little rant about that one, but he truly cannot be trusted with the savings.
Oh, I also have an account for my daughters that he cannot touch and a CD so which is also in my name only.

But this is because of our situation, in which he is financially irresponsible.
He thinks if there is money, it needs to be spent.
I think if there is money, it needs to be saved for when/if we don't have enough to pay our bills.
In my opinion, savings should be 'forgotten about' on a daily, weekly, monthly basis so one doesn't become dependent upon the savings.

Anyway, the money, in general is ours, not his, and I manage it.

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#6 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 02:36 AM
 
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Originally Posted by KimProbable View Post
DH's paycheck is *our* paycheck. We both earn it through our combined work in and out of the house.

The garbage your DH is trying to pull wouldn't fly with me for a single moment.
This sums up perfectly how things are in our home. Admittingly, I don't like spending much of the money on myself, but thats just because I hate spending money on myself and would rather give it to everyone else around me.
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#7 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 04:34 AM
 
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our finainces are a little different over here in UK.
each week i get money off the government for the kids called Child Tax Credit and DH gets some from Working Tax Credit. all ow income families get this in differenig amounts depndant on how much you earned the previous year and ho wmuch you are expecte to earn this year.
This money goes to pay for weekly food shopping, GAs, Electric(prepayment) travel costs, treats, etc.
i aslo get some moeny every 4 weeks called Child Benefit. ALL familes get this regardless of income. thsi money pays for treats, big things, clothes, good stuff if we are having a good month if we are havinga bad month it oges on bills, food, etc

DH wages pays the rent, council tax, bills, some food, clothes and shoes the kids need and thats it. there is never anything left for savings.

im the kind of mummy who would rather go with out so her kids can have so i go months in broke shoes, ill fitting clothes, before DH gets annoyed and MAKES me go buy a new coats, shoes, clothes.

at end of day the familys mone is the amilies money, if somethng is NEEDED its gotten if its wanted we see if we can afford it forst.

i would not fo second put up with the "you stayhoime s all teh money is mine" crap. id bill him for my services and see how he likes it. im lucky tho DHis a fab daddy, hubby who loves getting his hands dirty doing stuff

Kiz
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#8 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 06:38 AM
 
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Any income that comes into our family, no matter who earned it, belongs to the whole family. There have been periods in our marriage when I have been the only person earning a wage, and currently I am a SAHM while DH earns the wage ... irrespective, the money in our accounts belongs to the whole family, and I feel as comfortable spending it now as when I was the sole earner.

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#9 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 08:36 AM
 
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My dh gets an allowance.
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#10 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 08:39 AM
 
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Well I don't SAH now, but when we do have kids, my SAH will "earn" us not having to pay childcare, so thats quite a chunk of change. We are very communal in our household money. If anything, I have/will have more say, because I pay the bills so I am more aware of where we are. So he asks me if its in the budget to spend X on whatever he wants. Our financial goals are in line though, and we are both savers, who need occasional small treats to remind us why we keep our noses to the grindstone. So we don't really have many disagreements now.
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#11 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 08:46 AM
 
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Originally Posted by glorified_rice View Post
I have as much say or more, actually. I take care of all the finances in addition to all of the other household jobs. We always consult each other about purchases/expenses, etc..., but that kind of mentality would never fly around here. I just wouldn't tolerate it.
That's how it works here as well.
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#12 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 08:54 AM
 
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Wow Elfine, that's really rough, it's as if he doesn't believe that you have an important job. I feel lucky that my husband always tells me and anyone who will listen that I have the hardest job.

That being said, his paycheck gets deposited into a joint account, which he never uses. I pay the bills and handle all household expenses, groceries, whatever. He transfers his "allowance" into his "pink bowling ball" account. He calls it that because he says if he wants to buy pink bowling balls with that money then that's his right. He always seems to use it to buy gas, lunch, and other normal things though .

We don't have a lot of extra so I'm very conscious of what I spend, much more than when DH paid the bills, and he was quite happy to give that up because he never got them paid on time anyway, out of disorganization. But we don't questions each others purchases under $50 or so and talk about bigger items.

I guess my question for you would be how comfortable are you with your arrangement? Is it working overall, or is it making you resentful? Seems like an issue that won't clear itself up. Just my 2 cents...
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#13 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 10:00 AM
 
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Originally Posted by glorified_rice View Post
I have as much say or more, actually. I take care of all the finances in addition to all of the other household jobs. We always consult each other about purchases/expenses, etc..., but that kind of mentality would never fly around here. I just wouldn't tolerate it.
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Originally Posted by KimProbable View Post
DH's paycheck is *our* paycheck. We both earn it through our combined work in and out of the house.

The garbage your DH is trying to pull wouldn't fly with me for a single moment.
We are like this too. We share bill paying responsibility, but primarily I take care of it and I track our spending and advise my husband how we are doing each month.

Since I know the budget, I feel free to spend money on the things we need and when we can afford it, some things I want. I always consult on big purchases though and my husband does the same.

There have been a few times when in an arguement my husband says he earns the money. I retort with, well, then you owe me x amount for child care. The going rate is x.

Still, the comments bug me a lot for a couple of reasons. 1. They're hurtful and dismiss what I contribute. 2. I worked for many years to save money to supplement his income now so I can SAH. So, I feel like I am still contributing from my paid work days.
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#14 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 10:03 AM
 
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I feel lucky that my husband always tells me and anyone who will listen that I have the hardest job.
Wow. That is really nice of your husband to say that and to say it to other people. My husband made a comment to one of my friends last week that I was on "vacation" as a SAHM.

Sigh.

He's not always like that, but sometimes comments like that seep out. I wonder if he's just trying to be funny?
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#15 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 10:04 AM
 
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It's our money.
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#16 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 10:06 AM
 
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We have almost equal say. I say almost because in some cases when we agree that I know better whether that expenditure is worthwhile or not (child/household/related), I get to decide and in cases if my DH knows better than I do (like investments and all, which I know nuts about), he gets to decide. Overall, we are usually quite supportive of each other when it coes to things that really matters, so there hasnt really been a time when either of us wants to spend $x on something that the other party wont agree about. Of course it helps that our opinions matter alot to each other too, plus we arent exactly impulsive or careless with our money.
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#17 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 10:08 AM
 
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Originally Posted by glorified_rice View Post
but that kind of mentality would never fly around here. I just wouldn't tolerate it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KimProbable View Post

The garbage your DH is trying to pull wouldn't fly with me for a single moment.
I'm curious what you would do if your husband did make a comments like that. I ask only because when I was working and planning to be a SAHM, I said the same kinds of things, that it would be our money and if DH ever said something like that, it just wouldn't fly. I wouldn't put up with that, you know?

But, now a few years into SAH and I've had a few comments that just blew me away. My only retort is, at the very least, I am earning what child care would cost.

I'd like to say something that hopefully would end the comments for good, though.
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#18 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 11:13 AM
 
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I can't imagine my dh making statements like that. It would be a major breaking point and a reason to haul his sorry ass into couple's counseling asap. It's inexcusable.

Dh and I are partners. He knows how hard we both work. Money that comes into the household is ours. Like pp, I actually manage the finances, but we discuss major purchases and come to a decision together.

Holding earning power over a partner's head is more than uncool. It's wrong. Elfine, you need to get on an equal footing with your dh before his attitude becomes the dynamic of your marriage.
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#19 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 11:25 AM
 
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Originally Posted by KimProbable View Post
DH's paycheck is *our* paycheck. We both earn it through our combined work in and out of the house.

The garbage your DH is trying to pull wouldn't fly with me for a single moment.
:

I'm the one that takes care of bills and balancing the checkbook and all that too. So actually on a day to day basis I have a lot more "control" over what's done with the money.

-Angela
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#20 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 11:59 AM
 
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DH's money is our money. I don't like to shop and spend money, so he actually complains that I'm not buying enough clothes for the kids to have everything they need. But I have no restrictions - if I need something or want lunch out one day with the kids, then I do it. We consult with each other on all real purchases though. He likes to buy "toys" - like his big new TV - and I "let" him, since I figure if we have enough to do that, it's because he went to school for and worked hard to get the job he has now. When I was working I didn't strive for a huge salary and I do feel lucky that I can be home with the kids now due to his job. I guess I feel like he has *some* extra say on where the money goes... but we have a joint account and he is always telling me to get whatever I need.
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#21 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 12:08 PM
 
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I handle all of our finances. I discuss things wtih my husband but ultimately it's my decision as far as what gets paid, when, and if we can afford things. I manage all areas of our home life though, and he takes care of everything outside of it :-)
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#22 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 12:24 PM
 
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I can't imagine my dh making statements like that. It would be a major breaking point and a reason to haul his sorry ass into couple's counseling asap. It's inexcusable.



Holding earning power over a partner's head is more than uncool. It's wrong. Elfine, you need to get on an equal footing with your dh before his attitude becomes the dynamic of your marriage.
I'm with you on that!

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#23 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 12:31 PM
 
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We talk everything over. He is not out on a power trip
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#24 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 12:32 PM
 
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My DH has never even opened a check. It is so weird and cool, he gets paid in the morning and carries an unopened envelop all day and hands it to me that night. I care for all bills and money but he has a debit card that he can use, but he hates to spend money.
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#26 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 01:45 PM
 
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I"m in charge almost 100% since I pay all the bills, do the budget, etc. The only thing he has complete control over are his retirement funds, which he started before we met. I don't know his codes or what's going on w/ them and that's fine w/ me. It's similar w/ my retirement acct, which I now fund out of his paycheck. We do consult on everything else, though, and I would be thrilled if he took it all over tomorrow--he's got an MBA, for cripes sake, and I was a Liberal Arts major!!!

I'm reading the Economides book and I'm going to try their plan of sitting down w/ DH twice a month to go over bills and budget. As it is, he doesn't really have a good idea of inflow/outflow and is sometimes surprised at what has been spent/saved. I'd like us to have more concrete savings goals.
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#27 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 02:37 PM
 
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Though we both are unemployed and get SSDI, I manage the finances. Our checks are both part of the family income and because we are low income, ALL purchases are talked over. Even lunch or a coffee needs to be approved by at least me, since I have a grip on our money situation. He gets $50 a month to play with, and I *could*, but don't spend money on myself well so I usually just put in it the family pot.

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#28 of 119 Old 08-10-2007, 04:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spring Flower View Post
I'm curious what you would do if your husband did make a comments like that. I ask only because when I was working and planning to be a SAHM, I said the same kinds of things, that it would be our money and if DH ever said something like that, it just wouldn't fly. I wouldn't put up with that, you know?
Off the top of my head...
- Invoice him for all your "services" (cleaning, meal prep, child care, etc.)
- Stop doing anything that isn't for you or the kids. Don't do his laundry, don't cook his food, don't buy any groceries for him, don't set him a place at the table, don't clean up any of his messes, etc.

What I think would really be best is to have an open discussion with him. Let him know that he's being incredibly disrespectful of your work and your position in your family. Tell him how you're feeling. Tell him what you want your relationship to look like and how you'd like money to be handled within your family.

I tend to have problems approaching DH about issues, so I write him letters. That way it's easier to bring things up and I have the time to sort through my thoughts properly. Maybe this could work for you if it's difficult to sit down with your DH.

Big to you. It sounds like your DH really doesn't get it and I hope the two of you can sort things out.

Kim - Wife to Liam , Unschooly mama to Nick (10/00) Lily (09/05) and Olivia (07/09)
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#29 of 119 Old 08-11-2007, 02:42 AM
 
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I'm not sure my DH knows he earns a salary When we were cohabitating and not married we paid our separate expenses(cell phones, car payments, Etc.) Then divided the household like I paid rent, he paid lights and water. It was almost even. Now I worked in retail and he is in the military. He makes about twice what I do and we share everything. We use his pay for bills and mine for extras(household or otherwise). I have been pretty much laid off now am a SAHPreggo!! He encourages this although it is a hard transition for me. I am in charge of all of the bills and finding a way to make sure things are set up correctly. My DH has no idea what bills we have, where to send them, and how many we actually have, or how much money is coming in each month. When we were not married I was paying his Dr. bills and he had no clue he even owed any!!! We still disagree on some of the expenses, but he knows where I am coming from. My DH is one of those"whatever you think is best honey" type of men. I'd put my foot down!! We are up in arms right mow because the gets an "allowance" of $190 every two weeks. The rest pays for the bills and the stuff that is needed back home. The USMC takes almost $300 per month out of his checks for food in the chow hall and he refuses to eat there!!! I always end up having to send him more money because he "had to buy food." That is almost $400 per month that I never see and he cannot account for which is odd considering that his food and housing needs are met. MEN!! Sometimes you have to stomp on them!!!

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#30 of 119 Old 08-11-2007, 10:36 AM
 
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We have a joint account, the money we earn is "our money" We don't make enough to save, we basically live from paycheck to paycheck and no one is the "boss" of the finances. Major spending decisions are discussed, but both of us do small shopping stuff (i.e. used cds, second hand clothing) independently and freely.

It wouldn't fly with me for a second if DH had an attitude about "his money" and that to me would be grounds for a long discussion, couples counselling or separation. I can't stand greediness and stinginess.
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