relating to DH... - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-11-2007, 03:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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As a SAHM, do you tend to feel like you and your DH live in two totally different worlds???

My DH has a job in an office working for an internet company. I take care of 3.5 month old twins. At the end of the day, sometimes I almost feel like we're speaking different languages.

Don't get me wrong, he's extremely helpful with the girls. He changes diapers like a champ (he even prefers our cloth dipes!) and is always willing to lend a hand at 3am when needed, but it doesn't change the fact that our lives are radically different right now...

I find myself getting frustrated with him for not knowing how to do things like fix a bowl of cereal while holding a baby or not just waiting to go to the bathroom b/c a baby needs to be cuddled (i.e. - regular parts of my day).

How do you relate to your DH when your days are so different from one another???
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Old 09-11-2007, 05:50 AM
 
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Yes, I do relate to my DH. He's self-employed and usually works 6 days a week, 12 hours or more a day. (He leaves home at 5 mins to 8, drops DD of at the kindergarten,arrives at work around 8:30am and leaves at 8p.m. At home he will work some more, often past midnight). He works very hard to provide everything we need and I know that he never just 'sits around stairing holes in the air'

I know that him and we, we live in a totally different kind of world right now and maybe I am the only one but I never expect him to get up during the night. I can take a nap in the morning when DS had a rough night but he has to be concentrated and work.

Still, I often laugh a bit about him because being multi-tasking is surely not his thing and I usually ask him why I am able to all those things and he isn't. His usual response (and he's so right!) is that I am doing it all day long and am therefore far more experienced in doing so
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Old 09-11-2007, 01:14 PM
 
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No. I don't feel this way, but I have heard others who have said this. I would say, don't be so hard on yourself.



I have a friend who is a stay at home dad after being an attorney. He and I were talking about staying current in our fields, etc while staying at home with our children.

He said he watches the news and reads the newspaper to have something to talk about with his wife in the evening. I thought that was a little silly...here he is, a highly intelligent accomplished person who is taking off a few years to care for a child (a noble thing in my opinion) and he feels he has to find something to talk about.

I watch the news to watch the news and I find intellectual stimulation to find intellectual stimulation. It has nothing to do with trying to relate more to my husband.

I mean, there's so little time anyway between getting home from work and going to bed, you're bound to talk about the kids no matter what!

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Old 09-11-2007, 01:16 PM
 
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I can relate to your not relating. DH works long hours doing brain-intensive work in a pressure-filled office. I go nonstop at home juggling baby and kid (now in preschool in the mornings - ahh). My dh also becomes helpless when he's holding the baby. DH is home just in time to quickly eat dinner and get he and ds ready for bed, so he feels he's soooo inconvenienced by holding him for a minute while I cook or pee or something, because he can't do anything else at the same time. I've hardly talked to any adults all day, and he just wants some time for his brain to rest. I'm harried and feel that "yay, he's home, I might get a little break" feeling when he walks in the door.... he probably just wants to sit and decompress.

DH does bedtime with ds1, and often falls asleep at the same time. I do bedtime with ds2, and then eat my dinner, relax with TV or computer a bit, and do the tidying of the kitchen and livingroom for the next morning. It puts a strain on us, since his home life during the week consists of that hour at night before he goes to sleep, and he'd like for it to feel calmer and neater in the house. My chance to get it neat is after he's asleep, so he doesn't benefit much from it.

One thing we can relate about is that we're both pooped! We'd both like some snuggle time just for us, but neither of us is really complaining to each other about it, it seems to just come with the territory right now. I just try to hug him any little chance we get. He doesn't remember to do that. And we use the TV to keep ds2 occupied during the few minutes that we're finishing our dinners if we're eating together, to try to have a little conversation time to catch up.

Edited to add, after reading previous post: I wish I had time to catch up on news, but most days I'm totally out of the loop. I do want to be able to chat intelligently about the world with my dh, and also with other people!
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Old 09-11-2007, 01:22 PM
 
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Edited to add, after reading previous post: I wish I had time to catch up on news, but most days I'm totally out of the loop. I do want to be able to chat intelligently about the world with my dh, and also with other people!
Yeah, I agree about following the news in order to talk intelligently about the world with other people, including DH. Just not for DH alone.
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Old 09-11-2007, 01:23 PM
 
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One thing we can relate about is that we're both pooped! it seems to just come with the territory right now.
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Old 09-11-2007, 01:25 PM
 
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My dh also becomes helpless when he's holding the baby. DH is home just in time to quickly eat dinner and get he and ds ready for bed, so he feels he's soooo inconvenienced by holding him for a minute while I cook or pee or something, because he can't do anything else at the same time. I've hardly talked to any adults all day, and he just wants some time for his brain to rest. I'm harried and feel that "yay, he's home, I might get a little break" feeling when he walks in the door.... he probably just wants to sit and decompress.
Oh, I'm sorry! I've heard some men are better with older children than with babies so maybe this aspect will improve with time. Or maybe your DH will become more accustomed to the baby and become more comfortable.

As for the second part, yes, I frequently have the "yay, he's home, I might get a little break" feeling and often my husband just wants to sit and decompress.
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Old 09-17-2007, 12:27 AM
 
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No advice, just understanding. Yup, I've been feeling like that a bunch lately, and I work part-time (but from home). Not sure how it will resolve exactly.
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Old 09-17-2007, 01:02 AM
 
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yeah, I can relate. sometimes I think, "oh, wouldn't be nice to work in an office with other adults, doing intelligent things that don't involve diapers or singing silly songs." I am sure my stressed out husband, who works long hours at a hi-tech startup and spends two hours writing his phd thesis every morning before work, would love to spend his days changing diapers and singing silly songs for a change.

I think that if we traded we'd both be happy to be back in our regular roles after a week or two, and would have a much better appreciation for each other.

as for staying current and feeding my mind interesting things to think about, I've started listening to talk radio while I'm in the kitchen. (CBC, for those of you canucks out there). It helps me feel in the loop and keeps my mind from dwelling on myself too much.
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Old 09-17-2007, 01:31 AM
 
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Yeah, I feel that way sometimes. My dh is a chemist. He actually uses CALCULUS on a DAILY BASIS for his job. Sometimes I feel like the village idiot, I'm home with 3 kids, my conversations revolve around if the kids want crunchy or smooth pb on their sandwiches, and when it will be cold enough to wear jackets.

I read a lot of news etc on the web and he listens to talk radio in his car so we'll talk about that stuff. Or the kids. Or whatever.

Sometimes I'll ask him qs about his work -- I feel like I've gotten a little more smart in science-type stuff since we've been married.

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Old 09-17-2007, 02:33 AM
 
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I don't have much problem with DH -- but then I didn't before baby. There are some areas of his life where I can only be a politely interested person. That is... I can ask how something is going, listen, and that's about it! He's a programmer and I'm not trained in that field so how much I can talk with him about that is limited. He also is a musician, and how much I can talk to him about that is limited because I can't play a thing and I think I'm tone deaf!

However I have interests like that also -- he can be politely inquisitive but he's got going to get deep with me over fine art, graphic design, creative writing, etc.

But there are project where our skills can mesh -- like with making home movies of the kid -- I cover all visual arts and he comes in with soundtrack work. Or where one can help the other... like he asks me to make covers for his CDs of his compositions or I'll ask him to build me some structure for my organic gardening.

Some interests of mine he's picked up a little bit -- he learned to crochet and how to develop B&W film. Some I've picked up from him -- like trying to learn to drum well enough to fool around in a drum circle. I can't read music and I can't think of anything complicated but if you demonstrate a pattern for me I can copy that.

We do have some things be both like -- reading like it is going out of style, weird movies -- and we make the effort to shower together daily since we were first together. That 15-20 min is our guaranteed alone time to catch up with each other, and I didn't realize how much we'd appreciate that habit until after we had child. Sometimes we get NO time alone apart from the shower!

A.
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Old 09-17-2007, 04:23 AM
 
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I get frustrated when I feel that he is not trying hard enough to calm DS.
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Old 09-17-2007, 10:30 AM
 
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I guess sometimes I feel this way a bit with my dh. Especially when I'm extra exhausted or have had an extra difficult or lonely day at home. And I do NOT think he relates well to me and being pregnant but he does do the best he can. When I comes to his work I can often draw on my past work experiences and then I'm able to relate better.

But what we try to do is carry some common interests not related to work or entirely of our son (soon to be 2 sons). We are both heavily involved in the church and have lots of friends from there that we spend quite a bit of time with. These are people who are similar to us (mostly working Dads and SAH moms, thought no always). So we each find someone who can relate to our daily lives in those settings.

We both volunteer for some of the same events and programs. For example, we're teaching a financial class together right now and in the winter we'll coach basketball together. We like to watch some of the same TV shows (when we actually have time to watch them). We listen to the same music. We are both very much into Nascar!

All of these things help me stay connected and allow us to relate to one another.
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Old 09-17-2007, 05:36 PM
 
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Sometimes, yes. Even though my husband is arguably *better* with our son than I am!

When he's watching the baby because I desperately need a break (as opposed to just watching him because he's his son, if you get the difference), I've been known to say "No, I can't take him while you go the bathroom. There's a stationary walker and some toys in the bathroom- I don't get to poop by myself either."

That sort of situation is really hard to understand until you're in the middle of it.
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