my husband treats me like a second class citizen... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 09-15-2007, 11:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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... because I don't earn money :.

Part of me feels like I should finish my professional degree and try to find work, but I have a slew of issues that would make that difficult (I have 5 kids and 2 are special needs).

And sometimes I feel he would find a way to think less of me even if I did earn a paycheck.

He feels that since he earns money he is totally exempted from any childcare or housecleaning activity. He also rarely/ never goes places with the kids. I suggested once that he pick up our daughter from preschool... he balked. He has never set foot in her school and probably never will.

Today I asked him to put the baby up for a nap (well, she's 2), and he asked me for a bottle of juice. I was getting food for three other kids and I just looked at him aghast and asked why he couldn't get it himself. "Because you're in the kitchen." (He would have been in the kitchen too if he had taken 2 steps.) : I explained I was busy and he said, "Oh, YOU'RE busy?" (i.e. how could I be busy since he is the one earning money).

I am tired of his contempt-- I don't know how he can live with himself.

Does anyone have something similar in their marriage?

I'm not looking for divorce advice (yet). : I am mostly just venting and wondering if anyone is in the same boat...

(He also accused me of putting the kids in school as part of my "plan" to work... he said this very contemptuously... :... never mind that I am still homeschooling one special needs DC full-time (which is the main reason I probably will not WOH in the foreseeable future)).
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#2 of 7 Old 09-15-2007, 11:31 PM
 
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Therapy.

His attitude is a type of emotional abuse and even if he's doing it of no "ill will" it's still a BIG problem that can lead to things like 1. Cheating (easier to cheat on someone who is not an equal), 2. Physical abuse (same idea - not an equal, easier to hit) and so on.

More importantly - he's passing off these negative attitudes to your children.

If you don't want a divorce - don't - but know that you WILL be able to continue to care for your children if he pays CS, Alimony, etc. You are not stuck if this becomes something you are no longer willing to allow.

My heart hurts for what you are going though.

Could you start by outlining the costs to your family to pay someone to do even 1/2 of what you do? My bet - with HSing SN DCs - it would cost more than you could make not to mention the best interest of your DC to have a loving parent as the main care provider.

Your User Agreement here at MDC, read it and make it your friend and read the FAQ to answer all the questions of the (MDC) world.
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#3 of 7 Old 09-16-2007, 12:34 AM
 
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I hate to salt wounds because I so feel for you and your situation, but even if you did earn a paycheck, would he put you down because its not enough, not good enough, gets eaten up by daycare, inconvenience him etc? It sounds like your sah status is his emotional abuse at this time. But did he do something similar before this??

"The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us."
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#4 of 7 Old 09-16-2007, 01:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by meowee View Post
... because I don't earn money :.

Part of me feels like I should finish my professional degree and try to find work, but I have a slew of issues that would make that difficult (I have 5 kids and 2 are special needs).

And sometimes I feel he would find a way to think less of me even if I did earn a paycheck.

He feels that since he earns money he is totally exempted from any childcare or housecleaning activity. He also rarely/ never goes places with the kids. I suggested once that he pick up our daughter from preschool... he balked. He has never set foot in her school and probably never will.

Today I asked him to put the baby up for a nap (well, she's 2), and he asked me for a bottle of juice. I was getting food for three other kids and I just looked at him aghast and asked why he couldn't get it himself. "Because you're in the kitchen." (He would have been in the kitchen too if he had taken 2 steps.) : I explained I was busy and he said, "Oh, YOU'RE busy?" (i.e. how could I be busy since he is the one earning money).

I am tired of his contempt-- I don't know how he can live with himself.

Does anyone have something similar in their marriage?

I'm not looking for divorce advice (yet). : I am mostly just venting and wondering if anyone is in the same boat...

(He also accused me of putting the kids in school as part of my "plan" to work... he said this very contemptuously... :... never mind that I am still homeschooling one special needs DC full-time (which is the main reason I probably will not WOH in the foreseeable future)).
No advice, other than to keep it real with him. You know our husband best and it seems from what you've written that he IS full of contempt. Contempt keeps people from being rational or seeing others honestly, imo. Its really hard to interact with people when they are full of contempt like that.
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#5 of 7 Old 09-16-2007, 09:41 AM
 
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Originally Posted by hotmamacita View Post
No advice, other than to keep it real with him. You know our husband best and it seems from what you've written that he IS full of contempt. Contempt keeps people from being rational or seeing others honestly, imo. Its really hard to interact with people when they are full of contempt like that.
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Would he consider marriage counseling?
I agree with therapy for you, for him, or for you both together. Whatever arrangement you can work out.



Good luck!

I am not in the same boat, because my husband does help with the children and he wants me to work.

But as a sahm currently I have weathered a few comments here and there, so I can relate to some extent (but not to the extent you describe). I've heard, "oh, you're busy?" "I earn the money," "you used to have a great career," etc kind of put downs. My husband is not the most sensitive person out there so I am not sure the comments are always intended to be put downs. Sometimes I think he is just a verbal oaf.

From other mothers, I've heard these suggestions: expect equality, don't put up with abuse, stand up for your rights, and make sure you don't forget your own value. If you forget, so will everyone else.

Good luck!

Also, remember having young kids, and you said you have 5 kids, is a lot of work and stress for each parent. When under stress, people often act in ways and say things they do not really mean. It doesn't make them comments any less hurtful, but perhaps through therapy you can each come to respect the other person and not act out due to the stress. Best wishes!
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#6 of 7 Old 09-16-2007, 06:28 PM
 
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Next time he's at home during the daytime, tell him you're going out for a few hours. Leave ALL the kids with him. Don't come home until 4-5 hours later. He'll never, ever underestimate what you do ever again.

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#7 of 7 Old 09-16-2007, 06:58 PM
 
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no advice here, just
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