I can't believe my husband said this! (LONG) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 09-20-2007, 01:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My DS will turn 1 at the end of the month. After a tramatic birth/C-section/10 day stay in the NICU I went back to work full-time (30 miles from my home) 7 weeks PP. Luckily I worked with several Marriage and Family Therapists who helped me get through that very difficult time. After 8 months of exclusively pumping and only seeing my son for about 2.5 hours a day during the week I had had enough. I left my job at the end of June and have started a part-time job at my church as their Youth Christian Education Director. The pay is good for having a completely flexible schedule and I only have to work 15 hours a week so I SAH 90% of the time.

My DH has never (and I mean NEVER) changed a diaper, fed DS, given DS a bath, gotten up early so I can sleep in, the list goes on and on. We just recently remodled and moved into a new house and there are still lots of things to be done. He's never been alone with DS for more than 1 hour ONCE! I, however, cannot possibly do all the child care, cleaning, feeding, cooking, changing, laundry etc that goes along with keeping up a 2800 sqf house AND work part-time and be expected to also unpack boxes. My DH comes home and plops infront of the TV or "works" on his computer every evening and asks "Did you get anything done today?" I am so tempted to set up nanny cams around the house so he can see what all I have to do in a day just to keep the house in some order.

Now to last night. We were talking the night before and I mentioned that I really liked my job and I thought it could be something I could do for a long time. We are hoping to send our children to the Lab school at La Tech and it's right across the street from the church. I was saying that it would be so nice to be able to work and be avaliable to do all the things for them with school and afterschool activities. Well last night he said he wanted to talk to me about what I said about working at this job for a long time. He said "I want you to get a full time REAL JOB once DS starts school." WTH? I said that we will have more than him soon and that it would be at least 7 years before that one would start school so why not wait and talk about it then. He went on and on about how he could pick them up and take them where ever they will need to go after school (yeah, right!) but that I needed to be working FULL TIME. He said he wants to be able to afford to go on vacations and such and that we won't if I'm just working part time. Not to go into too much detail, DH makes a nice salary, and we have rental property that we get income from and that will increase once we get the house next door and his grandmother's house across the street sometime in the future (DH's Gma is 91) and I make enough for me to pay my bills and have some left over to spend on DS.

It boils down to the fact that DH and I have very different values and ideals. He is consumed with money and being able to buy the latest and greatest "THING" (flat screen plasma TV, iPhone, etc) and I just want a FAMILY. We were raised very different and he has never understood why I want to spend holidays and special occasions with my family. We have been together for over 13 years and he as spent 1 Christmas with me and my family. He just doesn't get it. I want to be able to be a room mom, den mother, coach, WHATEVER but I'm sure not going to work 8-5 M-F just so we can go on vacation. I want everyday to be special not just one week a year.

I am so mad at him right now. Sorry for the vent but I just had to get that off my chest. I hate talking to people IRL about this stuff b/c then I feel like a fool when things work out and if he finds out I talked to them about it he get irate. I know I have plenty of time to change his mind and he can't force me to get a full time job. I have a Master's Degree in Public Health and can work until I'm 80 if I want to but I only have a few short years to spend with my children and I'm not giving that up for anyone. If he doesn't respect my roll in our family and want to be an influence on raising our child then I can always find someone who does.

Rant Off!! : :

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#2 of 23 Old 09-20-2007, 02:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry! I posted in the wrong forum. Please ignore.
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#3 of 23 Old 09-20-2007, 02:11 PM
 
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How unbelievably frustrating. I have absolutely no suggestions for you, but wanted to let you know I read your vent.
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#4 of 23 Old 09-20-2007, 02:17 PM
 
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My Dh the same way, he wants to be work full time "once the kids are in school." Um honey, I want to homeschool... and regardless I still have 5 years until this baby will be in school.

Anywho, just throwing my 2 cents in real quick. The one time Dh asked if I got anything done that day, I actually wrote out a list of everything I did from making breakfast to how many loads of laundry to how many times I changed a diaper or wiped a butt. It was a good full page, font and back long. He never asked again.

Maybe you should talk with him about why he doesn't spend any time with his son because I find it a little messed up he hasn't ever done anything that would be considered parenting in the year of your ds's life. I'm the type that if DH pulled that, I would hand him ds and say I'll be back later and walk out the door and leave. : But I'm mean.
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#5 of 23 Old 09-20-2007, 02:34 PM
 
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DH made the mistake last week of asking me what i did all day. So the next day, all I did was play solitaire and make sure the kids were fed/changed. He came home to a disaster area with 2 hyperactive kids (from not being played with really) and a complete disaster of a house.

I'm sorry your DH is being such a dork. Some counselling might be in order, as I don't think he completely understands that you have different goals in life right now.
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#6 of 23 Old 09-20-2007, 02:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would hand him ds and say I'll be back later and walk out the door and leave.
I have gotten that suggestion from just about everyone. The only thing is that he would call his mom to come over or go across the street to his Grandmother's. I ask him all the time if he can do something for me (helping bathe, change, feed) and he always has some excuse (has to make a phone call, check an account, etc). The last time he was alone with DS was when I went outside to check the mail and I came it to DS screaming his head off. DH had let him stand on the new stove and let him touch the overhead light. They had been on all day but DH didn't think they would be hot (they have glass covers). DUH! DS had a huge bubble on his finger and cried for almost an hour while I ran cool water over it. DH disappeared into his office.:
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#7 of 23 Old 09-20-2007, 02:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by StellaBleuBeignet View Post
I have gotten that suggestion from just about everyone. The only thing is that he would call his mom to come over or go across the street to his Grandmother's. I ask him all the time if he can do something for me (helping bathe, change, feed) and he always has some excuse (has to make a phone call, check an account, etc). The last time he was alone with DS was when I went outside to check the mail and I came it to DS screaming his head off. DH had let him stand on the new stove and let him touch the overhead light. They had been on all day but DH didn't think they would be hot (they have glass covers). DUH! DS had a huge bubble on his finger and cried for almost an hour while I ran cool water over it. DH disappeared into his office.:
: Oh wow. Okay then maybe it just isn't safe to leave him with ds.

Question and you can tell me to shove it if you like, : Did you plan together to have a baby? (and in my honest opinion, I don't think you should have any more with your DH until he starts being a father to the one you have.

It's time to a sit down and a good heart to heart, maybe with a counselor, to get these issues worked out.
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#8 of 23 Old 09-20-2007, 03:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Did you plan together to have a baby?
Yeah. He was all thrilled during the pregnancy bragging that I never complained and that I was a trooper for working so far away. I worked with a youth prison and had to walk around campus all day in the Louisiana summer heat and the buildings didn't have A/C. I worked until 41 weeks and went back at 7 weeks pp. He was all on board until the baby came. He's one of those who pretends not to know how to do anything so he won't have to do it. We have two couple friends who had their babies this past year as well and the DHs stay with the babies while the wives are out and both share time at night. I have told my DH how easy he has it but that he doesn't appreciate it one bit. He says he makes the money and works all day and that should be enough. :

I have been with him for 13 years and almost left him a few times since the baby came but my MFT friends gave me some insight and suggestions to help me though it. I know I will return to counseling and hope to get him in but I'm not going to hold my breath at this point.
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#9 of 23 Old 09-20-2007, 03:13 PM
 
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I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

Some men don't really know what to do with babies, they are just there. It's when they are older and can do "boy things" like catch and such is when they get invovled. But I honestly think that's BS, but do you think that might be part of his lack of involvement?.

My Dh works all day too (He's in the Army) and he still makes time to wrestle and play with our boys (3.5 yrs and 18 months) after dinner, even though he's tired. His father was never around for him until he was 7 (my FIL was Army too) and he doesn't want that for our boys. There's more to life then making the money. : Beat him with a shovel. (That's my answer to pretty much everything).

It's really a tough situation. Maybe that's how his father was when he was growing up so he thinks it's normal.

(I know you are just venting but I honestly want to help, I have issues with being overly helpful with people who just want to be heard so feel free to tell me to shut up anytime. )
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#10 of 23 Old 09-20-2007, 03:24 PM
 
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It sounds like you really need to see a good therapist together. I'd not be creating more children in this environment until I was sure that it was going to work. With the massive differences in values it doesn't sound like a good match. You need to come to a better place of compromise together.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#11 of 23 Old 09-20-2007, 04:31 PM
 
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I am sort of SAHM, actually I am on a maternity leave until DD becomes 14mo and then I have to go back to work.
But I can certainly relate to your vent

I think about the list of "everything I do" every time he asks "What have you been doing". I actually have a personal list with hundreds of tasks but I use it only as a reminder and motivation. I think about rubbing it into his face when he makes me furious but I end up saying sth like "You are not my boss, so you won't get any report from me. This is still our home and our child but since I am left alone, I decide when and what I do. I am not asking you to prove how hard you worked today. On the other hand, if you want to learn how to run a house, join me and I will help you learn. It is a priviledge to have me staying at home raising DD. Enjoy and prepare for the harder days to come." The condescension kills him

I don't want his appreciation to come from the stupid list but out of his trust and respect, KWIM?

Whenever possible, I let DH face the consequences of his behaviour, but he is such a baby to admit his mishaps are his fault. What really shook him up was a few days ago when I said very calmly: "I think I need therapy for clinical depression. I will ask for a prescription of anti-depressants cause I don't feel either happiness or sadness." I had no intention of going for therapy, I was just fishing for his reaction. He got very serious and wanted to know what was worrying me. As always, we ended up talking about HIS complaints and expectations. But next day, he played with DD while I napped and took the initiative to order food delivery so that I wouldn't have to cook after nap.

I am waiting to see how long the effort lasts before our next outburst.

I started commenting on the OP but it turned into my personal vent, so I erased the rest of it. I have no real advice here. Just plenty of
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#12 of 23 Old 09-20-2007, 05:49 PM
 
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I am so glad im not the only one going through this! my DH claims that I dont really work...and i just get to take it easy all day. i might take up your nanny cam idea!

i dont have any suggestions as i have no clue what to do about this issue either, would love to hear some though.
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#13 of 23 Old 09-20-2007, 05:58 PM
 
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That is all.
I can't believe your husband said that either. I hope counseling works for you.
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#14 of 23 Old 09-21-2007, 02:49 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CheapPearls View Post
: Oh wow. Okay then maybe it just isn't safe to leave him with ds.

Question and you can tell me to shove it if you like, : Did you plan together to have a baby? (and in my honest opinion, I don't think you should have any more with your DH until he starts being a father to the one you have.

It's time to a sit down and a good heart to heart, maybe with a counselor, to get these issues worked out.
These were my thoughts exactly.
It really sounds like he has no interest in being a parent. I feel so sad for you. I hope that you can work something out through counseling, but it really sounds to me like his priorities are so out of whack and he is so selfish I cannot imagine living with someone like that. From your story he also sounds very controlling. I really hope it's not that bad, but if it is, maybe it's time to consider moving on if it would make you and your son happier.

milk donation : mother to Ryan (6), AJ (5), Nate (2), Maia (1) all born at home, I have a kid-friendly food & bento blog, : :
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#15 of 23 Old 09-21-2007, 03:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I talked to him a little last night after he came home. He wanted to cook some fish that he caught last weekend but we didn't have any rice (I told him I would run to the store to get some if he watched DS) so he just warmed up some left over pizza we had. Later in the evening he said "I thought you were going to start having things ready for dinner. I wanted to cook fish but we don't have any rice. You could have put some out to thaw this afternoon." I told him that I had already made pot roast and spagettii this week and that there were plenty of left overs from that. I didn't know I was expected to cook a full meal each night. I had no idea what his plans were for that fish. I told him he could have called and asked me to put the fish out and I could have run to the store to get rice then and that I'm not a freakin' mind reader. I told him that I was too busy doing all the other things he wanted me to get done and that from now on if he wants something specific for dinner to let me know before 6:00 in the evening.

I told him that I didn't appreciate him coming home every evening and insuating that I haven't done anything all day. I took from one of the people who posted that I didn't ask him to validate everything he did that day at his job. I think he kinda got the point but I just left it at that for now. We have family and friends coming for DS 1st birthday next week and I didn't want to start a big huge thing before then. We also have a wedding this weekend that DH is in so that will take up most of our time. I'm calling the MFT practice here in town next week to schedule me an appointment. I think that if I request a male therapist DH will be more receptive to going. At least this is my plan.

Thanks for all the replies and advice. It really does help to get it off my chest!



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#16 of 23 Old 09-21-2007, 07:46 PM
 
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I think he kinda got the point but I just left it at that for now.
I think it's great that you stayed that calm. It helps to have a plan and look determined to work things out. I feel it is important to deal with things one at a time or men can get overwhelmed and relapse

After all, in your OP you said "when things work out", so I guess things sometimes do work out, so it sounds like it is worth trying, right?

Maybe your DH is frustrated because he feels like "everything I do is wrong". Maybe he doesn't have a clue (in a way of "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus", KWIM?)

My DH felt sooo threatened by the idea of therapy. It was like the thing "if he finds out I talked to them [people IRL] about it he get irate".

Hang in there
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#17 of 23 Old 09-21-2007, 09:08 PM
 
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I'm glad you talked with him a bit and you stayed calm.
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#18 of 23 Old 09-21-2007, 10:44 PM
 
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couldnt read with out giving a

~Kris mama to Alexis (15), Elizabeth (10), Andrew (7), and 1 angel
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#19 of 23 Old 09-23-2007, 04:51 AM
 
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It sounds like you really need to see a good therapist together. I'd not be creating more children in this environment until I was sure that it was going to work. With the massive differences in values it doesn't sound like a good match. You need to come to a better place of compromise together.


:
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#20 of 23 Old 09-23-2007, 08:54 AM
 
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I was reading Men's Health last night (my husband gets it from the library) and one article called "Your Biggest Money Worries... Solved!" it says the following:

Quote:
Biggest Money Worry # 6
Affording her-- and the family to come

Solution: Put her to work, and become a partner in her success.
Uhmmm... excuse me? What if she doesn't want to be "put to work?" What "success" will you be partnering in then? What if she just wants to work just PT? What if she values staying home with that "family to come?"

My heart just sank when I saw this because I realize how little society still values SAHMing.

My advice to you is just to flat out refuse. He can't tell you what to do, especially if he has lavish spending habits. Tell him you value your time home more than money and he doesn't have the right to override that, and that if he has money worries, he needs to curtail his spending habits before asking you to work more hours.

My husband is hostile in the other direction-- he is openly nasty and condescending to me when I suggest finishing my degree and/ or working. Either way, it's disrespectful and overly-controlling.
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#21 of 23 Old 09-23-2007, 01:21 PM
 
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I see two seperate issues and have two pretty opposite responses for both. (feel free to ignore me of course)

On your DH not parenting... I think that it is crucial that fathers actually father their children, and I would seriously start brainstorming on how to make that happen. I know its hard after what you mentioned happened w/ your child getting burned, but mistakes do happen, especially if the person has never really been responsible for a child before. My DH didn't do a whole lot at first, because it felt to him like he did everything wrong and I did everything right and it was easier for him to just let me take care of it. (his words, not mine) As a result, I got completely burnt out and was on the verge of doing something drastic, thinking he was just being selfish and "refusing to parent and letting me do all the work". I started off by talking to him and saying how great a daddy I thought he was going to be as our daughter got older, and how I would love to give them a chance to bond/get out for a bit. By putting a positive spin on it, it gave him a chance to talk about his fears on being alone with her. If you can't do that together I would strongly suggest getting a 3rd party (counseling etc) involved. You'll need to have that kind of parenting conversation a billion times during your little one's life, so its a crucial skill to pick up.

In regards to being a SAHM... this is a huge decision about how your family functions/sacrifices/lives. I don't think its something that is realistic if you and your SO are not on the same page about it. I know this may get me flamed, but I don't think the only 'good' way to parent is to be a SAHM. I am one, and I definitely think it is a great way to raise your children, but how good of an environment would it be if you had to leave your DH in order to do it? Or if your LO has to grow up seeing you both disagreeing on everything (even if you don't fight in front of your children they still know whats going on after awhile, ya know?) Having a stable and happy household is such a great thing for kids. I'm surprised you were able to become a SAHM without your DH's support originally. It took some time to convince mine, but he came around or else I would have gone back to work.

IMO its possible to have the "stuff" and a happy family as well. It doesnt have to be all or nothing.
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#22 of 23 Old 09-23-2007, 02:06 PM
 
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Wow, sometimes it just makes me wonder what goes on in other people's heads (namely the father's)! My partner has some very similar issues, and although I am a SAHM most of the time, I also work a part-time caseload (social worker for ind. w/developmental disabilities) and take my daughter with me. I went back to work when my baby was 2.5 weeks old, taking her to meetings and home visits, and trying to get paperwork done at home while taking care of her FT and keeping the house and cooking and shopping etc.

My DP didn't end up being involved at all after the baby was born, after wanting her for 8 years and trying time after time. She has changed maybe 15-20 diapers (I know more than zero - gosh) and she has only stayed with the baby about 6 hours without me total since the birth. When dd was 4 weeks old, I was really struggling with work and the house and the baby after staying up all night, night after night. One morning DP said that I just 'needed to quit my job, because you (I) can't do it all. Other people could but obviously it is too much for you'. All that mean statement made me do was resent DP, but I did redouble my efforts and have managed to keep up with everything. But the rift in my heart is deep, and I too have considered leaving several times, even if it meant having to put dd in daycare and live hand to mouth to make it.

I am so sorry you are in such a difficult situation, and I fully empathize with you. I know our situations are not identical, but I see enough similarities to want to give you a long-distance . I really hope that you can find a way to resolve things, and I wish you luck in getting dh to go to family therapy. I couldn't drag dp - she was having none of that.

(wishing you peace)
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#23 of 23 Old 09-23-2007, 10:04 PM
 
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That is very frustrating. Very.
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