Feel like a FT Nanny?? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 09-20-2007, 05:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyone else feel like a FT Nanny out there? I just need to vent here. DH and I got into an argument..of course over money today. We are thinking of refinancing the house to pay off debt and are thinking of taking a small chunk of change to reinvest into the home. With this money we'll paint, redo the pink countertops, etc. I did mention to my husband that doing this is to mostly appease me because I really want to move to another home but don't have the time or energy (or support from my DH) to do it right now. So, to me investing in my home now makes me feel temporarily better ( i know the money can't buy happiness line).

Anyways, he didn't think it was right to do it just to appease me. Well to wrap it up I called him today and told him I want an allowance for me money. I'm not sure if this is awful selfish but he buys albums and books all the time for himself.....Thanks for letting me get this out.
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#2 of 14 Old 09-20-2007, 05:52 PM
 
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Yikes. I'm not going to touch your marriage or your financial big picture here, but just want to let you know that it's by no means selfish for you to get a little spending money. You're a working adult in your family and you're entitled to it.

s mama!! You really sound like you could use a break.
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#3 of 14 Old 09-20-2007, 05:59 PM
 
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First a little 2 cents from me. I don't ask for allowence because any money going into the bank account is OURS, none of that "his and hers" BS. I don't think that's right for a married couple.

That said, I always budget "me" money in, some times it's $20 a paycheck, sometimes it's more depending on what I want that month. This month my money went to stocking up on craft stuff for the kids. It's what I wanted to get so I got it, even though it wasn't exactly for myself.

Dh is absolutely fine with me having fun money as long as the bills are paid first, of course. I do all the finances anyway so if I didn't tell him he probably wouldn't notice I spent any money.

It is NOT selfish to want to have some cash to do whatever the heck you want with, as long as you can afford it.
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#4 of 14 Old 09-20-2007, 07:42 PM
 
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I'm not attacking you, please understand, but, to me, it's incredibly demeaning to have to ask your husband for an "allowance". I mean, seriously...you're not his *daughter*, you're his wife, his life partner, the mother of his children. Children get allowances, not married adults. :

That would be my first problem with that whole situation, and, yes, I'm the sort of person who would say that if I had to.

Second of all, I *do* agree with the idea of "me" money for both partners (which some people *call* an allowance, but, really, it's just string-free money), to spend however they wish. My husband and I do this...for my husband, he uses it to buy lunch out at work or stuff for his jeep or whatever. For me, it might be something for the baby (that isn't necessary), or a book, or whatever. It's good because it's something that can't be argued (I mean, you can sit down and decide what AMOUNT you'll each get, but, as long as you're not buying drugs or hookers with it, it's not debatable. I could buy 100 dollars worth of cotton candy and throw it into the wind if I wanted to and he'd not be able to say a thing).

I just...wow. Your husband would have another thing coming if he tried to pull that on me. If he's got money to spend on books and CDs and whatnot, you certainly should be getting a slice of that to spend however you want. That's not selfish, that's FAIR.
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#5 of 14 Old 09-20-2007, 07:59 PM
 
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When I was a FT nanny, I got 2 weeks of paid vacation, a household activities/eating out budget, full benefits, and a significant yearly bonus. Plus, at the end of the day? I was DONE. Oh, and did I mention that I did no housework other than straightening up after a messy project the kids and I had done or after I'd made a meal for us? If I was working weekends, I got overtime. And if a family treated me like crap (which didn't happen but once, I interviewed them carefully), I could walk.

So you can tell your DH you're not EVEN getting what a FT nanny gets.

Yes, you should have your own mad money budget.
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#6 of 14 Old 09-20-2007, 08:06 PM
 
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We did invest a little in our house when I started staying home--I got a new couch, new paint color, and some new shelves for the living room. I figured if I was going to be home full time, it needed to be somewhere I liked to be.

We get allowances here. But, we both get them, and since I do the money, I do the handing out of the cash. It's not much, but it's all MINE, and I like getting it. This isn't a new concept to us, though--we have both had allowances ever since we combined our finances when we got married.
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#7 of 14 Old 09-20-2007, 08:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
When I was a FT nanny, I got 2 weeks of paid vacation, a household activities/eating out budget, full benefits, and a significant yearly bonus. Plus, at the end of the day? I was DONE. Oh, and did I mention that I did no housework other than straightening up after a messy project the kids and I had done or after I'd made a meal for us? If I was working weekends, I got overtime. And if a family treated me like crap (which didn't happen but once, I interviewed them carefully), I could walk.

So you can tell your DH you're not EVEN getting what a FT nanny gets.

Yes, you should have your own mad money budget.

Yep.

Former full time nanny here, too, and let me tell ya-that was WAAAAYYYY easier. They gave me a credit card so I could eat out, they stocked the fridge for me with all my faves, sometimes even brought me a Toffee Nut Latte from Starbucks. I could go anywhere and everywhere without worrying about money, I got weekends, nights, and holidays off, they never forgot my birthday, and they acutally paid me when I was sick!

I totally agree, having to ask for an allowance is unacceptable.

addicted, homeschooling, freelancing mama to DS 8. Pet mama to Harvey the Wonder Mutt :, Pnut: and Autumn : Oh, yeah, and
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#8 of 14 Old 09-20-2007, 08:51 PM
 
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I don't mind having an allowance. Of course I handle the finances, and DH gets an "allowance" as well. So does DS. We all get an equal amount (measly though it may be) of money a month. I buy clothes and toys and "unnecessaries" for DS from it; DH can spend it on HIS toys, and I usually put my share in savings : unless I really want something that month...
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#9 of 14 Old 09-20-2007, 09:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by truemists View Post
I don't mind having an allowance. Of course I handle the finances, and DH gets an "allowance" as well. So does DS. We all get an equal amount (measly though it may be) of money a month. I buy clothes and toys and "unnecessaries" for DS from it; DH can spend it on HIS toys, and I usually put my share in savings : unless I really want something that month...
I think the difference between this and the OP is that EVERYONE is getting this money, WITHOUT having to ASK for it...everyone in the family gets some money to spend how they want to. In the OP's case, she ISN'T getting that, her husband is treating her with disdain for even WANTING money for her own desires, and HE is doing whatever he wants with leftover money.
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#10 of 14 Old 09-20-2007, 11:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies, great responses. Its really me who said allowance and that was just humor to make light of my situation. It really isn't right to feel that way but sometimes I do feel that way. I mean dh said himself also in the past that he didn't want to give me a "budgeted amount" because he was afraid I would use it up every month instead of maybe spending less. He also has said that he doesn't want to tell me not to buy something. He just wants to find a way to get me what I need. Which in a way sounds silly as I have everything I need, saftey, shelter, beautiful healthy babies, etc. I guess its just hard to talk finances in a marriage sometimes. Isn't it the number 1 cause of arguments? I guess it doesn't really matter..just need solutions and I think we are working on that now by paying off debt which leaves more breathing room for frivolous things. I guess I should post later about how to save money on mundane things so I can spend it where I would like to: on the house, kids, me too.
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#11 of 14 Old 09-21-2007, 01:16 AM
 
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Originally Posted by rachellanigh View Post
Thanks ladies, great responses. Its really me who said allowance and that was just humor to make light of my situation. It really isn't right to feel that way but sometimes I do feel that way. I mean dh said himself also in the past that he didn't want to give me a "budgeted amount" because he was afraid I would use it up every month instead of maybe spending less.
Well... how you feel is how you feel. Feelings are not right or wrong, they are what they are. Maybe it would help you deal with your DH if you acknowledged your feelings. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think you need to.

There's something wrong when you don't get money for yourself but he gets to buy stuff for himself.
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#12 of 14 Old 09-21-2007, 01:20 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
When I was a FT nanny, I got 2 weeks of paid vacation, a household activities/eating out budget, full benefits, and a significant yearly bonus. Plus, at the end of the day? I was DONE. Oh, and did I mention that I did no housework other than straightening up after a messy project the kids and I had done or after I'd made a meal for us? If I was working weekends, I got overtime. And if a family treated me like crap (which didn't happen but once, I interviewed them carefully), I could walk.

So you can tell your DH you're not EVEN getting what a FT nanny gets.

Yes, you should have your own mad money budget.
: all of that

:CLC,Doula :Mama to 2
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#13 of 14 Old 09-21-2007, 02:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by nina_yyc View Post

There's something wrong when you don't get money for yourself but he gets to buy stuff for himself.
I agree with this except I do get money for myself. Its just I wanted a set amount so I felt free to buy whatever I want...within our budget. He's agreed to it anyways and I asked for a high amount so we could negotiate a lower amount and he accepted the amount right away. He even took the money out himself when I said I would do it and got out a little extra too. He really is a good husband I've probably portrayed him wrong. I also agree with the pp that I need to express my feelings more. Its just that alot of times I don't even know my true feelings until the words sink into my head an hour or a day or even a week later I think aobut a conversation and say to myself..I didn't like what that person said....which I let go alot but I am working on finding my truth and being strong in myself and creating my reality.
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#14 of 14 Old 09-21-2007, 03:20 AM
 
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Another thought, if your hubby isn't wild about how much you want is to do it paycheck to paycheck. That's what we do. We sit down and say, hey, is $60 enough for you this paycheck? or whatever. Sometimes if there is something coming up I know I really want, I work in a bit more. Or if Andrew is wanting something for his truck that paycheck, we try to work that in. The important thing is that it is talked about and agreed upon together. The amount, that is. I don't always know what Andrew spends his money on and he doesn't always know what I spend mine on, but we agree on the amounts together.

Crystal
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