Do you feel safe leaving the kids/baby with DH/DP? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 73 Old 12-10-2007, 02:05 PM
 
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Absolutely! He might not do things exactly the way I'd do them or prefer to have them done, but I know my son is safe, happy and loved. Not much more I can ask for...other than for DH to make sure he's not so sticky. *G*

I think part of it is letting go and letting dads take over. I see a lot of moms who complain that their DH's don't do anything, but they won't let their DH take the reins, or complain and nitpick about everything that isn't done to their specifications. That means that dads don't get the time or experience to really handle the kids.

There are also a whole bunch of dads who just detach themselves from the work part of it. Dads who don't bathe or change or clean up after the kids, and that makes me see red. Some women put up with it, but I'd never even marry a guy who thought that his role in parenting was limited to certain duties or hours. If I need help, I ask for it and since we're partners, I expect to get it. I think for women in those situations, they need to make their expectations clear. Write lists, have long calm talks, do whatever it takes for him to understand his role as a partner, even if you are a SAHM, and see that he lives up to it. Just because we're SAHMs, does not absolve our partners of parenting.

Don't trust anyone under 5! Mom to 3 boys under 5. Blogging to save my sanity.
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#32 of 73 Old 12-10-2007, 04:49 PM
 
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I feel they are absolutely safe with him. He parents them differently than I would in many situations but that makes sense, we're two different people...and I've learned that differently doesn't mean worse and sometimes means better.

We are six: Me : Dh : Ds1('00) Dd('02) Ds2('05) Ds3('08) and, wow! Soon to be seven, Dd2 due 4/23.
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#33 of 73 Old 12-10-2007, 04:53 PM
 
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Absolutely. Always have. He jumped right in from the time she was born (he actually held her before me ). He did a lot of the firsts with her - first diaper change, first bath, etc (he's gone a lot, so, I don't begrudge him those). He does things differently than I would sometimes, but Katie is Da-da's girl and they have a blast together.
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#34 of 73 Old 12-10-2007, 04:55 PM
 
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I feel absolutely safe leaving the kids with him.

I had to give up on a lot of "non-necessary" rules and I had to let go of my...."self" being so wrapped up in everything. I had to be okay with my 3 yr old playing football outside with his dad and brother in the rain with no hat. Freezing. Laughing. I learned that it's okay to be rough and throw the baby up in the air. I had to stop bitching about bath water wars. I had to stop caring if he gave a bit of a cinnamon roll to a child who isn't eating sugar/solids yet. I had to weigh what really matters. It was really hard sometimes, but the more I stepped back, watched and listened the more I realized that he loves our children. He loves our children. They love him. And it's okay sometimes that he doesn't do everything "exactly" like I would.
My ds is 5 now, and I feel totally comfortable leaving him with dh.
When he was an infant, no way, he was breastfed and dh would panic when ds would cry, because he "couldn't comfort him with the boob", lol.
Dh was nervous too. I did things with him several times (like baths) before he was comfortable doing it by himself.
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#35 of 73 Old 12-10-2007, 05:15 PM
 
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You're doing just fine, mama! He's doing just fine as a daddy, and I think you're coming to realize that he's not going to put her in any serious danger.

One thing I wanted to mention, because I've been there too. DH is a wonderful dad, but when DS was tiny, it was terrifying for me to let anyone care for him. I constantly envisioned people dropping him or not realizing that their cup of hot coffee was within his reach, etc etc etc. It was exhausting.

I learned eventually that I had to be able to trust DH to keep our son as safe as I would. And he does. They interact differently than we do, and that's wonderful! It's a blessing to have two unique adults in a child's daily life to provide them with all sorts of interactions.

Once you are able to relax a little bit, (keep reminding yourself that DH loves DD as much as you do, and would be just as horrified to see her come to the slightest harm), you will realize that life is a little easier. When I was micro-managing every interaction, it wore me out so badly. I wanted to make sure everything was done perfectly, and that every safety precaution was taken, and it really undermined DH's ability to feel capable. The result was that he did less and less, and that he really did expect that I would have thought of everything in advance, so he didn't need to worry about it. It was EXHAUSTING to bear that much responsibility! When I stepped back and let him do his own thing, I realized that he was more on top of the safety stuff because he felt capable and confident to care for his own child.

Sit back, thank your lucky stars you are not alone in this venture of raising your daughter, and let him take some of the burden and share in the joy of it all.

And tell him he's being a good daddy! Men seem to not innately know when they are doing a good job parenting, and it's helpful for them to get a little reinforcement every once in a while.

CPST ***I can help keep your child safe in the car. Ask me a car seat question!***
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#36 of 73 Old 12-10-2007, 05:17 PM
 
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Oh my the kids are probably safer when their dad is watching them !!!

now a friend of mine she has caught her child running around with knives while the husband was supposed to be watching the kids ....
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#37 of 73 Old 12-10-2007, 07:14 PM
 
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now a friend of mine she has caught her child running around with knives while the husband was supposed to be watching the kids ....
OMG!

Though in saying that, DS managed to reach a knife one day that I *thought* was out of his reach and came wandering into the lounge with it. I think I just about had a heart attack! Damn those kids and their growing!

It's complicated.
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#38 of 73 Old 12-10-2007, 07:40 PM
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One thing I wanted to mention, because I've been there too. DH is a wonderful dad, but when DS was tiny, it was terrifying for me to let anyone care for him. I constantly envisioned people dropping him or not realizing that their cup of hot coffee was within his reach, etc etc etc. It was exhausting.
See, I think this is more about mom thinking she is in control and feeling out of control when she isn't there. Of course when the kids hit toddler age (or younger!) the illusion of control is forever gone but when kiddos are newborns, it is easy to delude yourself that sheer will can stop anything bad from happening.
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#39 of 73 Old 12-10-2007, 07:42 PM
 
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One way to make you feel more secure is to actively encourage the dad to participate more.
For example, my dh is always in charge of first am diaper change.
If you will ask him to start doing certain things every day soon they will have their own routine.
I see your baby is still pretty small, it will get easier for you to leave her as you both get more used to being a parent.
Maybe the upcoming holiday season will be a good time to leave the house for a couple of hours and do some shopping while dad and babe play?
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#40 of 73 Old 12-10-2007, 07:49 PM
 
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When I was a first time mama with one your age, no I didn't. I started a yoga class when he was about 4.5 months old, and the first week it took me to the end of the class of trying to relax and do the poses to stop hyperventilating. When I got home, after being gone for 90 minutes I was genuinely surprised to find he was still breathing. I had this crazy fear that if I wasn't in the room, my baby was going to just stop breathing and then DP would be watching TV and not notice and by the time the paramedics got there, there would be nothing they could do. Seriously my mind is a dangerous place to wander around in sometimes.

But it does get better, I promise. I have two little ones now and I leave at the the drop of a hat to make a store run, or catch a nap.
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#41 of 73 Old 12-10-2007, 07:50 PM
 
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So I did get a little sleep cause I was that tired, normally if I leave her with him I am too nervous to do anything. SO I wake up at her nap time to feed her and put her down and ask what they did and he lists off some stuff, all seems ok except He took her outside to play! It's freezing, early morning and she is wearing a long onsie and some thin pants. I wouldnt even go outside right now without extra extra clothes!

So is your DH responsible and how did it get that way?
Are you sure he took her out in those clothes? Wouldn't he have taken off the extra warm clothes once they were back in the house?

To answer your question, I trust my dh implicitly.

Momma to three fine children, one that lives in my heart and two that live in my arms.
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#42 of 73 Old 12-10-2007, 08:36 PM
 
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safe, sure but confident that teeth are going to be brushed? No.

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#43 of 73 Old 12-10-2007, 10:10 PM
 
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It took me a long time to let go as well. I always trusted DH with our daughter but I found myself micromanaging at times. DH is a wonderful and responsible person but some things I put an importance to (such as baths and brushing teeth) are low in his priority list. However, other things that I seem to forget (such as reading stories and making sure we have toys in the diaper bag for DD to play with) he remembers and does without me thinking. I find that together we make a wonderful team.

It took me a couple of months to realize that I didn't have to be there every minute to make sure she was alright. Now DH is faster than I am to respond to her cries in the middle of the night and he takes her for a couple of hours every Saturday so I can read or take a nap. I never worry when she is with him because I know she will be well taken care of and loved.

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#44 of 73 Old 12-11-2007, 03:51 AM
 
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When I was a first time mama with one your age, no I didn't. I started a yoga class when he was about 4.5 months old, and the first week it took me to the end of the class of trying to relax and do the poses to stop hyperventilating. When I got home, after being gone for 90 minutes I was genuinely surprised to find he was still breathing. I had this crazy fear that if I wasn't in the room, my baby was going to just stop breathing and then DP would be watching TV and not notice and by the time the paramedics got there, there would be nothing they could do. Seriously my mind is a dangerous place to wander around in sometimes.

But it does get better, I promise. I have two little ones now and I leave at the the drop of a hat to make a store run, or catch a nap.
I agree. The whole first-time mom to a young baby/control freak is what's getting you. It got me too. Now I LOVE getting any kind of break and I don't even give it two thoughts when the kids are with dh while I sleep in...funny how things change!

In love with Dh since 1998. We created Ds (7.1.03), Dd (10.16.06) and Dd (3.16.09).
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#45 of 73 Old 12-11-2007, 11:29 AM
 
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When my first baby was little, I worried about how my *baby* would do with me gone (she was high needs, and nursed constantly--I worried that she would start screaming and wouldn't be able to be calmed). Ds has never been a comfort nurser, so that was not a concern with him. I've never worried about either child's safety when with dh. He may have a different parenting style, but he is generally MORE safety oriented that me.

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I feel fine letting DH watch DD for me if I need to go and do something. .
Is your dh dd's father? If so, I gently ask you to consider your wording here. A father is a parent, just like a mother. Saying that you "let" him watch her "for you" sends the message that he is less responsible for her care. Fathers are not babysitters, they are parents.
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#46 of 73 Old 12-11-2007, 03:23 PM
 
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I agree. The whole first-time mom to a young baby/control freak is what's getting you. It got me too. Now I LOVE getting any kind of break and I don't even give it two thoughts when the kids are with dh while I sleep in...funny how things change!
right, and it's not to say that its the worst thing in the world. I think our animal instincts drive us to that crazy protective state of mind with our babies. It may not be necessary now for us to be this way with our children. They are dads, they love their babies and they aren't going to drop them on their heads (honestly mom has a greater chance of doing this since we hold them more), but we fear it just the same. it's perfectly normal to feel this way, and little by little it will get batter. i used to have to leave the room when DP would change DS or get him dressed. Because he didn't do it the same way i did, and if I didn't leave the room I would make a comment. And that wasn't fair to DP. His way may not have been as good as my way (or so I thought ) but it wasn't going to hurt him.
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#47 of 73 Old 12-12-2007, 04:54 PM
 
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I not only trust my dh to look after my 14 mo dd, I trust our single male friends, too. (the friends are more protective than I am, lol) Dh is her father. It's in the job description that he has to be able to keep her clean, warm, fed (now) and happy and safe. He does all of these things very well. But I haven't had "first-time mommy" syndrome, so the idea of not trusting my dh to care for our daughter and keep her safe is an alien concept.

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#48 of 73 Old 12-13-2007, 04:28 PM
 
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Heck ya!

It took HIM a couple of months though before HE felt comfortable for more than a few minutes. When they were infants, I was fine with it as long as I had plenty of expressed milk if they got hungry, and now that they are 5 and 2, no issues whatsoever.

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#49 of 73 Old 12-15-2007, 03:26 AM
 
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I would not have had children with a man I did not trust to be their father. I trusted DH completely from day one with all of our children. He doesn't do things exactly as I would do them, but that's fine by me. We're not clones of each other, so I never expected him to do things exactly like I do them. Doesn't make him wrong, just sometimes different.
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#50 of 73 Old 12-16-2007, 07:34 PM
 
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yes dd is totally safe with dh. but, seems like you have reason to be concerned with him taking her out in this weather in almost no layers. i hope dd didn't catch a cold. if dh had taken out dd (which he certainly won't) in just a onsie and an extra flimsly pant then i would have got upset about it.

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#51 of 73 Old 12-16-2007, 07:40 PM
 
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The children love being with their father, and he loves being with them. He doesn't do everything my way or on my timeline, but over time I've learned that some of his ways are actually BETTER! He's a wonderful parent, and I learn a lot from him.

I'd never make babies with someone that I couldn't trust to care for them.
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#52 of 73 Old 12-16-2007, 08:09 PM
 
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yes dd is totally safe with dh. but, seems like you have reason to be concerned with him taking her out in this weather in almost no layers. i hope dd didn't catch a cold. if dh had taken out dd (which he certainly won't) in just a onsie and an extra flimsly pant then i would have got upset about it.
I wouldn't want any of our littles cold outside.. but just to clarify (and not to be snarky, seriously), you don't catch a cold from being exposed to cold. You catch a cold from being exposed to a virus. I am/have been more laid back with the coat thing..of course, when they are babies, I try my best to keep them bundled but even bundling kids now..they just take them off if they want, once they are out of my view.

I totally trust dh with our kids. I was a single mom when we met and I wouldn't have dated him if I didn't get a good impression of certain qualities relating to longterm fatherhood. I got such a different impression of his character from our first meeting than any other guy I ever dated. He doesn't always do things the way I would, (although he does generally TRY if he knows it is something I am really OCD about), and at first,..I admit to a bit of first time mommy syndrome.. but he LOVES our kids very much and just has a different groove than I do. I think it gets easier over time..it has for my dh at least. He wears a sling, kangeroo care with the newborns, etc. and does a great job. Although I have to share a funny story from shortly after our first (my second.. our first together) baby was born. I had completed my doula training and I was doing some shifts at a local hospital to get certification births. Dd was about 5 months old. I had pumped milk and left instructions as well as the sling about everything (and yes..I was a bit nervous). My sil later told me that she had run into dh at the mall with dd in the sling.. pushing our toddler in the stroller, lookng absolutely forlorn and beside himself. She asked him if he needed any help and he had her hold dd and watch other dd while he went to a local pretzel stand and got a cup of hot water to warm up the breastmilk I left.. but he managed. The kids managed. I later asked him WHY he went out knowing it would be tough and he said that he just couldnt stand being home with the littles without me there and figured that going out would make the time go by faster. Not how I would have done it..but got the job done. (He doesn't take all the kids out anymore by himself, generally, LOL.. but they out number him quite a bit!) I have found we each do okay by ourselves but we make a better parenting team.

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#53 of 73 Old 12-17-2007, 03:26 AM
 
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I agree w/ pp that your DP has to find his own groove and that you should encourage him. Just keep your mind focused on the positive things in your lives and keep working things out. Even tho DH and I have a great relationship, I didn't like his parenting style at first because it wasn't like mine. How foolish! I forgot that diversity is the spice of life! What did I know, I was a first-time mom. Now, my concern is that because he is in Iraq, he will have quite an adjustment to parenting again, especially since our youngest was 5 mo when he left. I will just keep repeating my mantra to let him figure it out and wait to come to me w/ any advice. Keep thinking TEAMWORK and you can't go wrong. Best of luck to you!
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#54 of 73 Old 12-18-2007, 01:34 PM
 
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Absolutely. At least now. DD is 2.5 and LOVES her daddy. From 0-18mos-ish, she did not dig daddy. At all. And I just didn't have it in me to leave her with him when she'd just cry for me the whole time. He didn't know how to deal with an infant, and really couldn't stomach her infant high-neediness. Now that she's older he feels more comfortable with her - they can play soccer, roughhouse, build forts...all that good fun that dads are so good for. There was nothing *I* did to make me feel more comfortable, other than witness their father/daughter relationship evolve into a place where they were comfortable around each other. It just took a lot of time and patience. The only problem is, I HATE going out without him. He's my best friend, anything I'm doing without DD, I'd much rather be doing with him!
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#55 of 73 Old 12-18-2007, 02:45 PM
 
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I would not have had children with a man I did not trust to be their father. I trusted DH completely from day one with all of our children. He doesn't do things exactly as I would do them, but that's fine by me. We're not clones of each other, so I never expected him to do things exactly like I do them. Doesn't make him wrong, just sometimes different.
: Word for word.

I'm pretty relaxed when it comes to whatever DH does w/the kids. . . after the 2nd one came along, I found I had to be for my sanity's sake! When it was just DS, I used to drive myself bananas nit-picking over things DH didn't do just like so. Once DD came along, I had to let DH do what he wanted. He would never knowingly do anything that would harm the kids or put them in harms way. Plus I've found out the kids prefer daddy's way of doing some things compared to mine . . . and sometimes daddy's way is alot better or more efficient.

Mama to my 3 wild things.

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#56 of 73 Old 12-18-2007, 09:39 PM
 
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Definitely, although he absolutely does things differently. He's not always safe (ie. doesn't always put sharp objects out of reach, etc.), which I think has to do with the fact that he's not around the kids as much as me, and forgets how much DS1 can get into.
That said, he is an awesome dad, and I know he wishes that I would go out more so that he could have more one-on-one time with the boys.

Busy mama to my three little lads!
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#57 of 73 Old 12-19-2007, 12:35 AM
 
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ITA with the snarky remarks (and I'm too sleep deprived to come up with one of my own-- why am I sleep deprived? because dh, who gives me a daily nap, is out of town for 2 days!)

Sometimes their clothes aren't what *I'd* pick out, or he has to come home because he forgot shoes or a diaper bag or something, but they're safe, fed, happy, healthy.

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#58 of 73 Old 12-19-2007, 12:52 AM
 
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To answer your original q, How did he get responsible?

One Saturday morning almost 5 years ago, when our twin boys were babies, I heard them wake up and start crying and I mumbled to dh, "I'm tired. There's milk in the fridge. Vaya con Dios, mijo." and I rolled over and went back to bed.

I have always firmly believed that you can't break a child with love, and my dh loves them, so I always knew they'd be fine. Maybe dressed strangely, and possibly with a verrrrrrrrry wet diaper, and maybe shoe-less, but fine.

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#59 of 73 Old 12-19-2007, 02:46 AM
 
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Yes I do feel safe leaving the kids but it took a little while. I was a control freak/nervous nelly with #1 and on top of it she was colicky. dh had virtually no experience with kids before she came along so it was a huge learning curve for him. I have found though that my backing off let him develop the confidence he so desperately needed in his ability to parent. Sure they go out dressed really funny at times and maybe watch a bit too much tv and eat a little bit more mac and cheese then I would like when I out but I know that they are loved and he would move mountains before he would let anything happen to them.

Good luck!
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#60 of 73 Old 12-19-2007, 02:51 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Eman'smom View Post


To answer your basic question, yes I feel totally safe, I wouldn't have had children with someone if I didn't.


THIS. I don't know ANYONE IRL who won't leave their child w/ their DP. I can't even wrap my head around it, and honestly, it makes me wonder why someone would have a child w/ such a person.
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