Do you feel safe leaving the kids/baby with DH/DP? - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-09-2007, 03:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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and how did you get yourself there?

I am getting better and better at it but this morning I was just SO tired. DD woke up at 7 as always and I just couldnt do it, so I woke DH (who sleeps through the night every night and has NEVER been up with her and also sleeps in on weekends while I take care of DD pretty much lives life as if DD doesnt exist most the time actually) and told him she needs her diaper changed then I went back to bed, of course he brought her back to me as im laying in bed as if it would be unheard of for him to take some responsibility, I said No its your turn I need to go back to sleep. THe ONLY instructions I gave him was to keep her warm.

So I did get a little sleep cause I was that tired, normally if I leave her with him I am too nervous to do anything. SO I wake up at her nap time to feed her and put her down and ask what they did and he lists off some stuff, all seems ok except He took her outside to play! It's freezing, early morning and she is wearing a long onsie and some thin pants. I wouldnt even go outside right now without extra extra clothes!

So im trying to let it go, but its like when I leave i have to say, dont let her play with knives, chew on electrical wires, she's too young to walk, dont let her lay on her belly on cements, no playing i with fire.......

errrrrrrr

So is your DH responsible and how did it get that way?
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Old 12-09-2007, 04:03 PM
 
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I had to learn that just because my husband is not as attentive as I would like, nor does he do things the way i would, He is not a bad parent. . . normally I leave them together while I take a bath or nap or read, occaisionally go to the store or something. But I don't try and micromanage their relationship.
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Old 12-09-2007, 05:11 PM
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I hope you slept peacefully. Did your dd suffer hypothermia or frostbite? Or did she giggle and have fun running around outside with her daddy? You sound very angry at your dh, as if you're looking for back-up from us to pick a fight with him. Paternal instincts are very different from maternal instincts, but that doesn't disqualify your dh as a parent. Surely you can think of something good about him as a father?

My dh handles every situation far differently from me, which does drive me crazy sometimes, but I have to admit that he is better at some things, such as handling our older son's meltdowns. It took a long time for my dh's paternal instincts to develop, and I had to let go of my control over situations to allow him to grow as a father.

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Old 12-09-2007, 05:13 PM
 
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So is your DH responsible and how did it get that way?
no he isn't. I keep trying though.

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Old 12-09-2007, 05:14 PM
 
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Everyone parents differently, nobody is going to parent exactly like you and that is fine.


To answer your basic question, yes I feel totally safe, I wouldn't have had children with someone if I didn't.

Mom to ds 9 dd 7 : and dd 3/08 : if I can I go to
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Old 12-09-2007, 06:13 PM
 
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I think that as SAHMs, sometimes we think that the way we parent is the only RIGHT way to parent. It's easy for SAHMs to unconsciously push our partners away when we insist that everything has to be done the way we want it to be done.

But to answer your question, yes I am comfortable when my DH cares for our children. After all, he's as much their parent as I am.

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Old 12-09-2007, 06:29 PM
 
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Yes I am completely comfortable. Ds tends to watch a little more TV, but when I come home he is happy, healthy and usually fed. He is very close to dp and loves to spend time with him. He goes to DP's friends houses with him, to town, outside, the basement (which in ds's case is just thrilling ). They are best friends.

Edited to say that DP is not ds's bio dad. He has been a part of ds's life since he was 17months old and he is 2.5 yrs now.

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Old 12-09-2007, 07:01 PM
 
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Yes, but it took awhile. DD is almost 11 months and I feel completely comfortable leaving her with dh. In fact, he's gotten up with her both days this weekend so that I could have an extra hour of sleep!

When your baby is little, they can't speak up for themselves and your dp doesn't have that much practice being a parent. I'd just remind him--hey, if you're taking her outside and it's cold, she needs a jacket and a hat. Simple. When your baby is a little older her signs will be much more clear and he'll have an easier time. Make sure to praise things he does with her, too. In general, try to just let him have alone time with her at least once a week. He needs to find his parenting groove and sometimes it's hard to do with mama there.

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Old 12-09-2007, 09:57 PM
 
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I have no problems at all leaving him with his own kids.
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Old 12-09-2007, 10:13 PM
 
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I'm sorry that you are getting so much self righteousness here. It must be frustrating.

That said, I am actually more comfortable leaving my tiny ones with DH than the older ones. He does feed them and change them. He loves them. But when they are tiny they can lay with him while he is online or playing his video games. When they get older there is a lot more for them to get in to while he is online and playing his video games.

And while I completely understand that paternal instincts are different than maternal instincts and that going out without a jacket usually will not kill a child...it IS frustrating to have to feel like the only responsible adult sometimes (and that isn't necessarly in reference to trivial things but in reference to things in general). Taking them outside without a jacket is one thing. Having to actually tell them common sense things is another.

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Old 12-09-2007, 10:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
So is your DH responsible and how did it get that way?
Not to sound too snarky, but I got a responsible partner by marrying a man who was already responsible and demonstrated the traits that I admire in a person, like dependability, love of family, a lack of arrogance, a sense of humor (even about himself), etc.

I don't think twice when DH parents his own children.

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Old 12-09-2007, 10:29 PM
 
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DH is a responsible person and he was that way before we started dating. That doesn't mean I didn't have second thoughts, worries, and a couple anxiety attacks the first times I left our eldest alone with him. Really, it was about leaving my baby at all. That was very hard for me. My imagination went into overdrive and I imagined all sorts of things he would forget, dangers he wouldn't protect her against, etc.

And he didn't always do things the way I would, or as soon. It did take a few conversations and experience on his part to remember to check diapers every couple of hours at most and to realize that she wouldn't always signal hunger clearly and he needed to offer snacks and meals without her prompting. But he got there, just like I did, and now I have no hesitations at all about leaving our children with him.

If your dp doesn't seem to have the instinct, I would start on a small scale, when you're feeling well and there's no emergency, and lay out clear expectations, very concrete things to check for, and really spell it out. He might get offended by you being so detailed, but I do think he needs to understand your concerns and that things like taking a baby outside in the cold without proper clothing simply isn't ok with you (or CPS if a neighbor sees him doing that!). Start small and work up to a level where you and he both feel comfortable. Mamas more often get into the nitty gritty of parenting sooner because they're on, 24-7, from the very beginning. My husband would have loved to have that opportunity, but he had to go back to work within days of both babies' births, so there was a great big chunk of 9-11 hours every day where I got a lot of experience being a solo parent and he didn't, and then he came home and I was there, already in my groove.
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Old 12-09-2007, 10:41 PM
 
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I'm sorry that you are getting so much self righteousness here. It must be frustrating.
Where?
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Old 12-09-2007, 10:43 PM
 
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Yes, I feel safe having dh care for our children. He is very responsible. He may do things different than I do, but he is very competent.
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Old 12-09-2007, 10:57 PM
 
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They're his kids. I wouldn't have had kids with him if I didn't trust him to care for them. We do things differently but I completely trust him to keep them fed, clothed (if they let him. LOL) and safe.

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Old 12-09-2007, 11:04 PM
 
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Not to sound too snarky, but I got a responsible partner by marrying a man who was already responsible and demonstrated the traits that I admire in a person, like dependability, love of family, a lack of arrogance, a sense of humor (even about himself), etc.

I don't think twice when DH parents his own children.
Yeah me too. I'm really confused by the OP. I wouldn't have kids with someone I couldn't feel safe leaving them with, and if something happened to change my feelings of safety, I would leave.

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Old 12-09-2007, 11:19 PM
 
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I sure do. I wouldn't leave our newborn with him just yet, not for more than maybe 30 minutes, because he's still breastfeeding and isn't very good with the bottle. With my oldest, I didn't leave him with anyone at all too often really, mainly because I didn't get out much. I have come to realize that even though my husband does things differently than I might, it doesn't mean he is less responsible or cares about our kids less. Our children are as safe with him as they are with me. Do I wish sometimes he would do more or do some things differently? Sure. But he does enough, and he does it well enough.

If you want your husband to do more or "better", tell him exactly what. I think that's the easiest way to get what you want: be open, honest, upfront, and polite but firm. I think my husband and I both still have some growing up to do, but we both have come a long way. Communication is key.

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Old 12-09-2007, 11:21 PM
 
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Totally safe. He's their dad. The only thing I can do that he can't is nurse the baby, so I do all the baby-feeding.

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Old 12-09-2007, 11:23 PM
 
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I have no problems at all leaving him with his own kids.
: Never have.

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Old 12-09-2007, 11:24 PM
 
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I feel absolutely safe leaving the kids with him.

I had to give up on a lot of "non-necessary" rules and I had to let go of my...."self" being so wrapped up in everything. I had to be okay with my 3 yr old playing football outside with his dad and brother in the rain with no hat. Freezing. Laughing. I learned that it's okay to be rough and throw the baby up in the air. I had to stop bitching about bath water wars. I had to stop caring if he gave a bit of a cinnamon roll to a child who isn't eating sugar/solids yet. I had to weigh what really matters. It was really hard sometimes, but the more I stepped back, watched and listened the more I realized that he loves our children. He loves our children. They love him. And it's okay sometimes that he doesn't do everything "exactly" like I would.
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Old 12-10-2007, 12:31 AM
 
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I have no problems at all leaving him with his own kids.
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Old 12-10-2007, 12:50 AM
 
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I feel fine letting DH watch DD for me if I need to go and do something. He's always been really good with her.

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Old 12-10-2007, 01:20 AM
 
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I'm sorry that you are getting so much self righteousness here. It must be frustrating.
: Huh?
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Old 12-10-2007, 01:56 AM
 
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I have no problem leaving DS with DH, and I imagine that I'll have no problem leaving Bubs when it's born too.

It helped that I had a c-section so DH had to been hands on from day one.

Maybe if you encouraged your DH to spend more time playing with your DD he'd get more confident with caring for her and you'd get more confident leaving her with him.

It's important that they form a relationship and the only way they're going to do that is by spending time together.

It's complicated.
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Old 12-10-2007, 02:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
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well i do need a reality check sometimes, especially when I havent slept.

DH is a great man and I love him and I do need to learn to not sweat the small stuff. I think I get obsessive about parenting when I do it 24/7 alone, then I want to control everything like it's MY job then I get frustrated that its only my job if that makes any sense. I also do feel guilty when I leave her which contributes to wanting to control.

I am getting better though, and so is he. I definitely have stopped expecting him to do everything the way I would I just worry about stuff that I think is risky or puts her safety at risk, he takes risks that I wouldn't and doesn't think things can hurt her that will. SO I feel like knowing that if I leave her with him and she gets hurt by doing something I would never let her do (for example holding an object that is too sharp or something) then I feel like it's my fault or I could've prevented it and I didnt.

I have to say he is a good dad. He is very loving and tries very hard and he is a responsible guy in general, but taking care of a baby is not something that people just know how to do imo. I didnt, I had to do lots of research and ask lots of questions, read books. DH doesnt have time to do that.

I was hoping as she gets older I will get less paranoid and he will get mroe involved when she is walking and talking and playing more.

Thanks for all the responses, that is exactly what I needed. I love on line forums for this purpose because sometimes people wont give you a reality check to your face
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Old 12-10-2007, 02:41 AM
 
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Yah, it'll get better, I promise you!!

I do that too, with wanting to control EVERYTHING while I'm gone or need him to watch the kids. Like I'm already so guilty feeling so I write him a list or something equally ridiculous. I really had to try hard to let GO of all that crap!!

Plus, I've realized that men (even other people's husbands that I've seen) interact with kids differently than we do. Maybe play a little rougher, make the kids laugh harder (too hard maybe?!), and like you said let them take risks you wouldn't. As long as you know your partner loves your child, I really think it'll be okay.

And in the long run, when you watch your partner parent your children, you fall in love with them in a whole new way. It's a wonderful experience.

Good luck with your good man!
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Old 12-10-2007, 03:52 AM
 
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I think dads need to practice just like us moms had to do at the beginning. It didn't come naturally to me nor dh.

Yours in particular may not be the most logical but that probably shows with everything not just parenting.

I completely trust my dh with the kids. In fact I work part time week nights and weekends and dh has the kids the whole time.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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Old 12-10-2007, 04:18 AM
 
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I think dads need to practice just like us moms had to do at the beginning. It didn't come naturally to me nor dh.

Yours in particular may not be the most logical but that probably shows with everything not just parenting.
I agree.
On one hand, it is hard to let go, as a mom, and let other people parent. On the other hand, sometimes people do need to learn how-whether a mom or a dad.Nothing wrong with that, just the way it is.

The easiest way I have found to get this to happen(getting your partner who may not feel completely able or comfortable watching their own child) is to let them have responsibilities. To not hover over them or act as if they can't do a thing right. If there is something I need to let my dh know about a new behavior issue with my dc, I let him know. Not all men feel immediately comfortable in their role as a father, and I know few mothers who do.

Due with number 5 in August. We do all that crunchy stuff.
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Old 12-10-2007, 12:46 PM
 
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I had to learn to just go with it. I had to accept that he wasn't me. He didn't have the common sense and thing that I would NEVER do (wrestle fart burp mannly things) he doesn't in astronomical amounts with our kids. I trust him completely b/c he would NEVER let anything happen to the babies. he would rather die. We have four ages 6,6,3,1. it took me along time to leav eht babies with him. Like once they hit 10 months they started being able to go out with my other mommies friends and such but now that the baby is one I trust him totally. He takes them out to the malls and storeds and such. He has grown use to having them since I have trusted him to have them. I mean the only way he is going to "learn" is by trying. =)
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Old 12-10-2007, 01:00 PM
 
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i'm quitting mdc because mdc is unkind and discriminates against mamas with special needs babies.
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