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#1 of 21 Old 12-24-2007, 12:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel judged as a SAHM. And it really irritates me.

I know this post had been posted so many times before, but I feel very frustrated and irritated with the inflexible world I have to try to be a parent in.

I guess I feel a lot of frustration mostly when people judge me because I am no longer working and these people judging me were able to find balance between work and home life a lot easier...they either are able to work professionally part time, they have flex time work schedules, their spouses have flex work schedules, their spouses share in the care of the children, or they have family or a decent support system who assist them.

I really feel like if these same people had the cruddy support system I have, they'd make the same decisions in life that I have made...to stay at home full time.

I've looked for professional part time work and found none. My field doesn't really allow for it. My husband works insane hours and NEVER takes any time off. The burden of two careers would fall mostly on my shoulders. We have zero support system other than my husband and I.

It just doesn't seem like a workable situation to have us both working (as much as I'd like that) and my husband doesn't really support me staying at home short term, let alone long term.

I need to manage this irritation and frustration better, but after a few years of trying to solve this situation, it just seems unchangable.

And : with DH.
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#2 of 21 Old 12-24-2007, 02:45 PM
 
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Do you want to go back to working outside the home?

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
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#3 of 21 Old 12-24-2007, 03:11 PM
 
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I'm sorry, Spring Flower. I've read many of your posts and you seem a lot like me to me. I KNOW that if I didn't have the options available to me, I'd be home too. I know that as a 100% fact. Of course I would definitely NOT judge you for staying home -- just agreeing with your very wise insight into people's support systems. And I also agree with you that a lot of people don't even see how good they have it!


And : with your husband, who doesn't support you being at home but isn't willing to do the heavy lifting at home required by both partners in a two-WOH family. You can't have it both ways, bucko.
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#4 of 21 Old 12-24-2007, 03:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Do you want to go back to working outside the home?
Well, what I really want is peace and harmony at home. I would like to work toward similar goals with my husband. Sometimes - well, most times - I feel like we have competing or incompatible goals. Well, that, and I feel like he just doesn't think about things as much as I do, so he never seems to understand the issues fully.

I don't like the discord that comes from my staying at home.

Honestly, I wouldn't mind working IF I had a support system, even if the system was just my husband.

And I don't mind staying at home, but not with the lack of support for being a SAHM and the constant reminders that I need to find a job or that I don't work.

I do feel I made the right choice when my baby was small by staying at home. Now that my baby is a little older, the question is more gray than black and white.
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#5 of 21 Old 12-24-2007, 03:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sorry, Spring Flower. I've read many of your posts and you seem a lot like me to me. I KNOW that if I didn't have the options available to me, I'd be home too. I know that as a 100% fact. Of course I would definitely NOT judge you for staying home -- just agreeing with your very wise insight into people's support systems. And I also agree with you that a lot of people don't even see how good they have it!


And : with your husband, who doesn't support you being at home but isn't willing to do the heavy lifting at home required by both partners in a two-WOH family. You can't have it both ways, bucko.
Thank you. Your post made me feel better. Have a good day!
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#6 of 21 Old 12-24-2007, 04:35 PM
 
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It hard to go through life without support.

Believe me in can put you in the dumps when no one is in your cheering section.

Don't depend on anyone even your Dh for support (if he is giving support then great but otherwise....).

In your heart you know it's a good decision to stay home to watch and care for your little one like no one else would.

Can you join a mommy's group?

Make your own happiness.

I use to care what others thought...but afterawhile it wore on me. I decided to do what was "best" for me and the kids. Now, I could care less what other think.
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#7 of 21 Old 12-24-2007, 05:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It hard to go through life without support.

Believe me in can put you in the dumps when no one is in your cheering section.

Don't depend on anyone even your Dh for support (if he is giving support then great but otherwise....).

In your heart you know it's a good decision to stay home to watch and care for your little one like no one else would.

Can you join a mommy's group?

Make your own happiness.

I use to care what others thought...but afterawhile it wore on me. I decided to do what was "best" for me and the kids. Now, I could care less what other think.
Thanks! Good ideas. I agree not to care what people think and I also agree to not depend on anyone for support...

I haven't figured out how to be a SAHM, though, and not rely on anyone for support...I mean, obviously inherently as a SAHM I am relying on DH for support, you know? I did save money before having kids and that supplements our income, but without DH's financial support the savings would have run out eons ago...can you be a SAHM without support? I don't know.

I have joined moms groups, and they're great, but not for day to day support. In some ways, talking to other moms and trying to share the experience of motherhood is kind of a slap from reality because they always seem to have supportive husbands, mothers, family, etc. I know...it's not always what it seems...but I always feel a higher sense of loss when talking to others because no one seems to have the complete lack of familial support that I have and, well, I guess I should count my blessings that my husband financially supports us.

It is hard to be happy staying at home when your husband does not support it, and when everything fiscally and career based tells you it's a good idea to go back to work, and when you know that if you went back to work, your husband wouldn't be able to help much to balance two careers.

Oh, well, I do have blessings and I should be thankful for them. I know many other women in the world have far bigger worries.

Thanks again!
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#8 of 21 Old 12-24-2007, 05:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It hard to go through life without support.


That is so true. I got pretty good at making my own happiness, but once I had a baby it turned everything upside down and I realized again why it sucks not to have support.

I always make it through though and I just need to keep perspective. There are bigger issues in life and people with real problems.
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#9 of 21 Old 12-24-2007, 05:50 PM
 
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I have conflicted feelings about being a SAHM too.

My husband does try to be supportive but he's ambivalent (IMO at least) about being the sole breadwinner.

He's always been supportive in that he does part of the childcare and housework but that leaves me feeling that my role as a SAHM is undervalued even though I really know in my heart that I do plenty.

My dh is just not into having a traditional homemaker for a wife. He is not the type of husband to just leave everything to me. He wants to participate. So I feel really out of place among SAHMs because almost every one I've met is the ONLY one who does ANYTHING at home. I'm talking about my circle of acquaintances and friends, not MDC so please don't think I'm criticizing anyone's dh

I also have no family support, either logistical or emotional-but that's another long story
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#10 of 21 Old 12-24-2007, 08:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have conflicted feelings about being a SAHM too.

My husband does try to be supportive but he's ambivalent (IMO at least) about being the sole breadwinner.

He's always been supportive in that he does part of the childcare and housework but that leaves me feeling that my role as a SAHM is undervalued even though I really know in my heart that I do plenty.

My dh is just not into having a traditional homemaker for a wife. He is not the type of husband to just leave everything to me. He wants to participate. So I feel really out of place among SAHMs because almost every one I've met is the ONLY one who does ANYTHING at home. I'm talking about my circle of acquaintances and friends, not MDC so please don't think I'm criticizing anyone's dh

I also have no family support, either logistical or emotional-but that's another long story


Wow, I feel like we're in the same situation. I could have written your post! Yes, my DH is just not into having a traditional homemaker for a wife...and to be honest I guess I would feel a bit stifled in that role, too...but I would like him to support me being a SAHM for a few years.

I also don't have any emotional or logistical support from family...that is such a great way you phrased that.

s to you.
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#11 of 21 Old 12-25-2007, 02:05 PM
 
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You know, having a job wouldn't necessarily change your family dynamic in terms of support. I went from SAHM to f/t WOHM and my DH still does the same amount of household chores and childcare. He also clearly feels that his job and his hobbies are more important than my work, bringing the stress of work home all the time and requiring 'downtime' without chores or baby - something I am not entitled to...even though, guess what - when you count transportation, my hours are longer, and I make more money.

Anyway....sorry for the rant. My DH and I are working through our issues.

I just want you to know that working might not change anything in terms of your support system or your relationship dynamic. So SAHM if you want to, I say!
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#12 of 21 Old 12-25-2007, 02:17 PM
 
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I understand the no support issue so well. My husband and I have zero family support in our area, and even if my family did live close, they wouldn't be the flexible, willing, dependable source of support needed to make WOH (even part-time) feasible for me. Last summer one of my long-dreaded worst fears came true-- I had to call an ambulance for one of my kids (DD choked on beads). This was my worst fear for 2 reasons-- 1, because obviously who wants their child to undergo something like that, but second-- because I've got no one to watch my other kids. I remember the medic guy saying, "Ok, call who you need to call to get the other kids," and I just stared at him. I ended up randomly going up and down my street hoping someone answered the door and would be willing to watch the kids in the hours it would take my (out of state) DH to get home. It was a nightmare. I was lucky that one neighbor was home and willing.

When you have no network of family or friendly support, things get much more complicated. Not even daycares, assuming you had the money, are flexible enough to really be a real support base-- not like a family network would be. I get really forlorn and wistful when I meet someone who has a big network of grandparents, sisters, aunts, etc. who help them raise their children. My life would be unrecognizably different if I had that.

I know one woman who has a baby and literally hands it off to a gaggle of female relatives as soon as she gets home from the hospital. She then is back at work (she wants to go) 2 weeks later while her children are fawned over and cared for by her huge network of family support. I'm not sure if I'd want something that extreme, but it's just unimaginable for me, to have dependable, competent, willing relatives who would help me raise my children.
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#13 of 21 Old 12-25-2007, 02:44 PM
 
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I can relate to your post somewhat. My Dad is here for Christmas, and what a difference it makes to have a grandparent around!

I would like to work PT, but it isn't very feasible right now. I did work PT when we lived in Scotland and DH was a doctoral student. But that was a different set-up. Job shares are common there. He had a very flexible schedule. We had one child. Neither one of us needed to work FT to have healthcare (which is true in Canada as well but not in the US).

Now I'm home with a 3 year old and a baby. DH is a second year professor, so still has to create most of his classes from scratch. He does have a flexible schedule, but he can't just work from home 1-2 days a week and "maybe" get work done and maybe not. So I'm home for now.

I'm glad I have the choice to be a SAHM. But in no way do I think it's natural. When you think that for most of human history, people lived in tribes, and that our brains are still wired to expect that, you can see how unnatural it is for one woman to be in a house with small children by herself. Not tribal at all, particularly if there are no extended family in the area.
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#14 of 21 Old 12-25-2007, 02:53 PM
 
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Wow, I feel like we're in the same situation. I could have written your post! Yes, my DH is just not into having a traditional homemaker for a wife...and to be honest I guess I would feel a bit stifled in that role, too...but I would like him to support me being a SAHM for a few years.

I also don't have any emotional or logistical support from family...that is such a great way you phrased that.

s to you.
I wonder... have you talked with your DH about the reasons why you want to be home, and that you really just want to do it while your children are young?

Does he see the value in being cared for primarily by a parent, rather than a substitute caregiver?

Rebecca, mama to M (08/06) and E (04/09)
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#15 of 21 Old 12-25-2007, 05:37 PM
 
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We moved into an area where we didn't have family, and where most people have an entire extended family to help out. It seems like at my children's school, there are always grandparents, aunts, uncles picking up or going to school plays, etc. And someone to call as a last-minute sitter or in an emergency. I am totally envious of those who are in that position. Everyone who is listed as an emergency person on my children's school's list has tons of family. So while I have THEM listed, they have family and not me as emergency contacts. I feel sort of funny about it, but what to do?

Once one of my children had to go to the ER and my DH was out of town. A neighbor I am close to picked up my older child at school. Thank goodness for her! She and her family are now moving out of state and I am so bummed. Anyway, I certainly identified with the poster who talked about having to find someone to babysit to go to the hospital. It's a tough spot to be in.

It was even harder when I was a WOHM to juggle without a lot of support. At least being home I am generally more available then when I was working outside the home. Ok, I 'll stop rambling because I know this is not exactly the original thread. But it hits home for me.
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#16 of 21 Old 12-26-2007, 11:57 AM
 
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It just doesn't seem like a workable situation to have us both working (as much as I'd like that) and my husband doesn't really support me staying at home short term, let alone long term.

I need to manage this irritation and frustration better, but after a few years of trying to solve this situation, it just seems unchangable.

And : with DH.

Well, if it makes you feel better, people LOOOOOVE to judge, and if you were working full or part-time you would just be opening yourself up to a different line of judgmental commentary. My bit of Christmas cheer yesterday was my MIL being appalled that DD was going to daycare, today, the day after Christmas. But there's no offer to come up and watch her today so I can get my work done...just the judgment!

If you're able to work it out with your husband, you might be less bothered by other people's comments. My mil's comment annoyed me yesterday, but I feel like I'm doing what's best for my husband and family and that gets me through. Maybe if you can talk to your husband (and I know that is HARD) you can agree together that being home is right for your family, or that you need to keep looking for a good situation. PT, professional situations are almost impossible to find, but perhaps if you talk to him and find out what his main stressors are (is it healthcare, is it actually paying bills, is it savings) you can have a clearer idea of what would work for your family.
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#17 of 21 Old 12-27-2007, 12:38 PM
 
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I think issues with DH and issus with socity in general are two differnt sets of issues to be handled in two differnt ways.

I don't think you will ever feel confident in staying home, and happy, untill the many conflicts with your DH are settled.

As for "people" judgeing me .... i am sure most do ... some think it is awsome i am home with my boys -- both for the family, for the boys and becuase i am bold enough to do what i and DH want despite the still there peer pressure to have my own job, my own name and so on ..........and i am srue tehre are others who think i set the fight for equality back 100 years when i go to the dry cleaners for DH ......................i personally think every one "forms opinions" abot each other -- i am not sure you can help but do it, we all have an opinion, yk? ...........................and with that being true -- it doesn't matter what any of us do, or don't do, we will be judged. so be true to yourself cuz you aren't gonna please everyone anyway

Most people i meet tell me they think it is great i stay home .. then they go one to say "I just couldn't do it, i'd go nuts" and I simle and tell them i couldn't hanlde the stress of getting kids to care and dealing with the house and the kids the few hours int he enveing. or i hear " I wish i could / i plan to when i have kids" and i say "yes it is a blessing to our family"

............it maybe where we live -- middle Iowa -- there is not a lot of rat race and ladders to climb ... so i don't encounter a lot of women who feel i am disloyal to the gender by doing "wonamn's work" and not fighting for my seat in the board room. But i really don't get THAT much.

I think you and DH need to work though stuff

and YOU need to decide 1. are you how because you see the value in careing for the young yourself and want to do it or 2. becuase you feel like you have to (if i don't do the dishes no one will).

People are always gonna have something to say about our choices , but as long as you make a choice that is true to your feeling and values and that is a choice you WANT to make -- it really doesn't matter what others think or say

Aimee

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#18 of 21 Old 12-30-2007, 11:17 PM
 
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Thanks! Good ideas. I agree not to care what people think and I also agree to not depend on anyone for support...

I haven't figured out how to be a SAHM, though, and not rely on anyone for support...I mean, obviously inherently as a SAHM I am relying on DH for support, you know? I did save money before having kids and that supplements our income, but without DH's financial support the savings would have run out eons ago...can you be a SAHM without support? I don't know.

I have joined moms groups, and they're great, but not for day to day support. In some ways, talking to other moms and trying to share the experience of motherhood is kind of a slap from reality because they always seem to have supportive husbands, mothers, family, etc. I know...it's not always what it seems...but I always feel a higher sense of loss when talking to others because no one seems to have the complete lack of familial support that I have and, well, I guess I should count my blessings that my husband financially supports us.

It is hard to be happy staying at home when your husband does not support it, and when everything fiscally and career based tells you it's a good idea to go back to work, and when you know that if you went back to work, your husband wouldn't be able to help much to balance two careers.

Oh, well, I do have blessings and I should be thankful for them. I know many other women in the world have far bigger worries.

Thanks again!
I want to tell you I am sorry if I sounded cold. I am not in your situation. I would crumble (and have) when I don't have my dh's support.

I agree with another poster that this is something you and dh have to work out. I don't know how though. I have no words of wisdom. All I can say is your daughter will be happier with you raising her than a stranger.

I now understand (as you explained ) that being in a mommy's group is like a constant reminder that things aren't right in your own home. HOw thoughtless I was before!

I do understand this. At "rough times" I have stayed away from my own mommies groups. (that is another story).

I am here is you need support. At least I can say a few words here and there of encouragement.
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#19 of 21 Old 12-31-2007, 12:20 AM
 
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I now understand (as you explained ) that being in a mommy's group is like a constant reminder that things aren't right in your own home.
you might be srupised it you got to know them i am sure, in fact i try really really hard to make sure, that i look like i have it all together .... but i don't

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#20 of 21 Old 12-31-2007, 08:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I want to tell you I am sorry if I sounded cold. I am not in your situation. I would crumble (and have) when I don't have my dh's support.

I agree with another poster that this is something you and dh have to work out. I don't know how though. I have no words of wisdom. All I can say is your daughter will be happier with you raising her than a stranger.

I now understand (as you explained ) that being in a mommy's group is like a constant reminder that things aren't right in your own home. HOw thoughtless I was before!

I do understand this. At "rough times" I have stayed away from my own mommies groups. (that is another story).

I am here is you need support. At least I can say a few words here and there of encouragement.
Thank you. I appreciate very much what you said. I don't want to seem like I fall apart or have fallen apart whenever I'm around other moms or whenever I feel unsupported by my DH (that would be quite often, if I did).

I hold it together pretty well, and I've gotten good at relying on myself as my own rock of support.

It is just quite frustrating to be divided rather than united from one's DH when it comes to goals in life, lifestyles, priorities in life, etc. I feel like our paths were never the same, but at one point they were were close to parallel and now they are diverging more and more and more. ...if that makes sense.

I've talked to him going on years now. I've attempted counseling, and I've gone to counseling alone. I'm not sure what can be done now, because the differences in goals and priorities is quite stark.

Support from other moms through mom's groups and such is valuable, and I have sought it out, but it doesn't replace an unsupportive DH or other harsher issues in life.

Thank you for the kind words. I was feeling kind of low, but I realize again I need to look inward and be my own rock.
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#21 of 21 Old 12-31-2007, 08:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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you might be srupised it you got to know them i am sure, in fact i try really really hard to make sure, that i look like i have it all together .... but i don't
Very true! Thank you for saying that!

I have trouble with...I wouldn't call it jealousy or envy because that is not what it is...but I guess when I do go to mom's groups, I fit in fine on the surface, but it really glares me in the face just how dysfunctional things around me are.

It's not that big a deal, just another indicator that makes me want to work on things and improve things, only to end up banging my head on the wall in frustration when the issues aren't solved.

But it is still a great thing to talk about the non-issues in life...parenting stuff, etc with other moms and for that I am thankful for mom's groups.
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