Do you take it personally when dp cleans? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 02:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
DevaMajka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Burnaby, BC
Posts: 10,519
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If you do most of the cleaning, do you take it personally when dp cleans a bit?

I find that, though I definitely appreciate the help when dp cleans, I can't help but wonder if he's thinking that I should get off my butt and work harder to keep the house clean.
Which is a goofy thought, because that's not my dp's style AT ALL. He helps clean because he's trying to be helpful, or because he wants to get on my good side to dtd (hehehe). Sometimes it's because something is dirty enough to bother him, but knowing my dp, he doesn't ever have the thought that it's my job and it should have been done by me.

But still, I take it personally. Like he's insinuating that I'm lazy (I'm sure that's coming from me). And on top of that, I get all defensive in my head. Like "Well, I cook ALL the meals, and clean ALL the dishes, and what do YOU do?"

Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

DevaMajka is offline  
#2 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 02:43 PM
 
slymamato3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 3,454
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
One of the biggest struggles I have is just that. I have to remind myself regularly that my reactions to dh cleaning something that I haven't gotten to is more my feeling badly that he is dealing with something I feel like I should have done, than that he is bothered by helping out. I have been a sahm for the past 7 years and I am still not used to how much work it actually is. I don't know if I can stop taking it personally when he helps out. Not because he is upset about it. Rather I am upset at myself for not being more of the super sahm I strive to be.
slymamato3 is offline  
#3 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 03:25 PM
 
organic-momma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calgary, AB, CANADA
Posts: 389
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I love it when he helps out, although my DH has the nasty habit of saying something like "This place is a pig sty" before pitching in, and then I get upset. If he just jumps in and vacuums without the comment first, I am pleased as punch

SAM, momma to 3 beautiful babies: Tristan (5), Gabriel (4) , & Brighton (2)

organic-momma is offline  
#4 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 03:36 PM
 
Maddy123's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 135
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My DH barely notices the state of the house. So I can't say this has happened to me. I do sometimes feel like it should be super clean all the time, at least on days when the kids aren't home. He does notice one in a while that I worked on something (like a closet or whatever). But that may be because I point it out.

I do have the feeling that since I'm home I should handle it all. Everyone lives here, though, so I don't think that's fair...intellectually. But that's a different story sometimes than emotionally.
Maddy123 is offline  
#5 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 03:46 PM
 
fenwickmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Star City
Posts: 1,378
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OMG, OP i could've written this post! totally!

Kelly, :Mama to Kevin, 10/1/05 & Seth, 7/7/06. ::
fenwickmama is offline  
#6 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 03:48 PM
 
~Megan~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Oregon
Posts: 15,295
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh God No! I love it!

I do start to feel a little bit guilty sometimes though. I still love it when he does it though!

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
~Megan~ is offline  
#7 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 03:50 PM
 
savannah smiles's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: hunting ghosts w/ Jason and Grant
Posts: 2,314
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't take his cleaning personally, but like another poster said, I don't like it when he makes negative comments about the state of the house. Luckily, he's usually complaining about messes of his own making.

Gazing furtively at you from under my siggie!
savannah smiles is offline  
#8 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 03:50 PM
 
nichole's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Bear, DE
Posts: 3,198
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
HELL to the NO.

he helped create these little people who leave a messy trail every where they go. haha!

what a problem to have in a dh
nichole is offline  
#9 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 03:52 PM
 
normajean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Slice of Heaven
Posts: 1,616
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No. I know some people like this though. Cleaning the house is something I do, but its not how I identify myself so if someone else does it, its just one less thing on my to-do list.
normajean is offline  
#10 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 03:54 PM
 
Kleine Hexe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 6,894
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deva33mommy View Post
If you do most of the cleaning, do you take it personally when dp cleans a bit?

Not at all. In fact I'd appreciate it if he did help more. By that I mean him not throwing his clothes on the floor and expecting me to pick them up. He could also clean his urinal cause let's face it...I don't use it. My feeling is that he lives here, makes a mess, so he could help clean.
Kleine Hexe is offline  
#11 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 03:57 PM
 
sagelove's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 143
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No, I love it, and he's great at pitching in. However, I've found it curious when I cook dinner and he feels the need to cook something else. For instance, I made potato soup the other day and he was eating it for dinner, but he also decided to boil 3 potatoes in addition....? Lol, wasn't sure why, but he will do that sometimes.
sagelove is offline  
#12 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 04:05 PM
 
dbsam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,151
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It depends upon his attitude while cleaning. Prior to having children we both worked FT and both cleaned – never any issues for fifteen years. Once I stayed home we thought I would handle all the household tasks but we both overestimated the amount of time I would have while caring for the kids and underestimated the amount of mess and destruction two kids can make. I’ve accepted the fact that things will not be in order or always clean. He is having a more difficult time. So, my long way of answering your question is…if he is just helping out, it is great. But if he is frustrated or irritated about the state of the house – especially if I am not in the mood to help clean at the time – it bothers me. I cannot stand tension in the air. As a pp mentioned part of it is my problem since I get frustrated w/myself for not getting more done.
dbsam is offline  
#13 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 04:08 PM
 
mbhf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,761
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
yes. definitely. but, i really think when he does clean up (not just after himself) he is not happy about doing it. he is the type that wants stuff done NOW. like, when he comes home he likes the house clean. i also like to have the house cleaned up before dinner, but if he comes home 3 hours early the house will not be clean. then he will huff and puff while he cleans it up and i go about my business.

i don't think he is mad at me or really even mad at all, but i know he wishes it had been done already.
mbhf is offline  
#14 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 11:07 PM
 
quinbearzmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 622
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by nichole View Post
HELL to the NO.

he helped create these little people who leave a messy trail every where they go. haha!

what a problem to have in a dh
:

J - Birth doula and *very* grateful mama to bouncy Q, fancy F, and mighty F!

quinbearzmama is offline  
#15 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 11:10 PM
 
boysmom2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,032
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I also could have written this post too. Exactly. My DH isn't a jerk, and I appreciate when he helps and would even prefer if he did a little more, but then when he does I feel guilty and kind of mad at the same time. Like it's some kind of passive agressive way of telling me that I'm not good at my job. But he would never do that! What's wrong with me? I think I'm not living up to my own standards and this is how I deal with it. I should probably just leave poor DH out of this whole crazy mess in my head.
boysmom2 is offline  
#16 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 11:13 PM
 
jwpsgurl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The sunniest city in the US
Posts: 381
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DH doesn't help all that much, but it is definitely appreciated when he does. I make sure to tell him that too (positive reinforcement) and give him lots of kisses when he helps. It makes me feel a little lazy sometimes, but I have a right to be lazy sometimes.

Jessica ~ SAHM to Julianne (5-19-07) & Jocelyn (8-10-08) #3 12-25-10
Wife to my best friend and love of my life
jwpsgurl is offline  
#17 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 11:17 PM
 
tallanvor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,425
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My husband never cleans without me asking him to. Which is fine for us. He does all the work on the vehicles, makes the money so we have what we have, does all the yard work, takes care of us having wood to heat the house with, and burns the garbage. He also helps with the kids. He doesn't just come home and ignore us, but plays with the kids and whatnot. And gives me time to myself.
tallanvor is offline  
#18 of 41 Old 01-16-2008, 11:53 PM
 
fenwickmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Star City
Posts: 1,378
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by boysmom2 View Post
I also could have written this post too. Exactly. My DH isn't a jerk, and I appreciate when he helps and would even prefer if he did a little more, but then when he does I feel guilty and kind of mad at the same time. Like it's some kind of passive agressive way of telling me that I'm not good at my job. But he would never do that! What's wrong with me? I think I'm not living up to my own standards and this is how I deal with it. I should probably just leave poor DH out of this whole crazy mess in my head.
:

Kelly, :Mama to Kevin, 10/1/05 & Seth, 7/7/06. ::
fenwickmama is offline  
#19 of 41 Old 01-17-2008, 12:13 AM
 
bright-midnight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Williamsburg-ish, VA
Posts: 705
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I love it when DH pitches in and helps clean messes up. He knows that our toddler can rip a room apart in under five minutes, so he understands that sometimes I need a break or some help

Angel Wife to Daniel Mama to Astrid (11/06) Leland (9/09)
bright-midnight is offline  
#20 of 41 Old 01-17-2008, 12:33 AM
 
onlyzombiecat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Northeast Kansas
Posts: 7,383
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No. I know messes don't bother him much.
I sometimes feel bad that it got so messy it bothered him since I know his tolerance is so high.
Of course sometimes he is cleaning just to seduce me.

Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

onlyzombiecat is offline  
#21 of 41 Old 01-17-2008, 12:34 AM
 
DreamsInDigital's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 13,481
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh my goodness no. We have 4 children and goddess willing we'll have a few more. If we didn't work together to keep the house tidy I can't imagine what my home would look like.
DreamsInDigital is offline  
#22 of 41 Old 01-17-2008, 12:39 AM
 
hopefulfaith's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,149
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by nichole View Post
HELL to the NO.
Well put, sister. My thoughts exactly.


...and I wish he would. He would be well rewarded. I think cleaning and cooking for a change would be the nicest foreplay ever. Am I allowed to say that here?

Mama to A 8/05 and S 11/06
hopefulfaith is offline  
#23 of 41 Old 01-17-2008, 03:00 AM
 
MichaelsSahm's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 1,467
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No, why would I take it personally? He lives in this house as much as we do. My husband is really wonderful though, he cooks on his days off. It gives me a break from having to be creative about what to make for dinner. LOL
MichaelsSahm is offline  
#24 of 41 Old 01-17-2008, 04:43 AM
 
MommaLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: oregon
Posts: 18
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No but it makes me think that i should start cleaning! He cleans better than i do though
MommaLove is offline  
#25 of 41 Old 01-17-2008, 08:05 AM
 
BunniMummi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Oslo, Norway
Posts: 299
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by boysmom2 View Post
I also could have written this post too. Exactly. My DH isn't a jerk, and I appreciate when he helps and would even prefer if he did a little more, but then when he does I feel guilty and kind of mad at the same time. Like it's some kind of passive agressive way of telling me that I'm not good at my job. But he would never do that! What's wrong with me? I think I'm not living up to my own standards and this is how I deal with it. I should probably just leave poor DH out of this whole crazy mess in my head.
If there is something wrong with you then you aren't alone. I hate that I'm not doing all the things I think I'm "supposed" to. I desperately want a hand some days but when he does help out I feel like it is just pointing out all the things I'm not doing myself. Even worse I sometimes beat myself up over the fact that he doesn't mind that I'm not getting work done. Like he just figures I'm not capable or something. Poor guy, he can't win for losing.

I'm working on making myself relax about it though. If I can just slowly move things in the right direction now I'll worry more about getting closer to my idea of perfect when I'm not caring for and cleaning up after a 3 year old and a 10 month old on 4 hours of sleep. :

SAHM, Geek, Expat American living in Oslo Norway.
DH DS1(5) DS2(2)
BunniMummi is offline  
#26 of 41 Old 01-17-2008, 11:47 AM
 
phathui5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Oregon
Posts: 17,474
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I used to take it personally, but now I love when he pitches in. Plus with four kids, homeschooling, and working from home, I know that I can't do all the housework myself.

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
phathui5 is offline  
#27 of 41 Old 01-17-2008, 12:01 PM
 
Joyster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Toronto
Posts: 1,604
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No, never! I love it that DH pitches in and that he's good at it. My job is raising the children, not housekeeper. That's a team effort we do to make this place nice to live in and to make life a little more relaxed. I admit that I do do more than my 50% and often will try to have the place tidy from my own personal destruction before he comes home, but he will do the once over before bed, since we can really make a mess in the evening.

Don't trust anyone under 5! Mom to 3 boys under 5. Blogging to save my sanity.
Joyster is offline  
#28 of 41 Old 01-17-2008, 12:02 PM
 
kittymac's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Toronto area
Posts: 315
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by fenwickmama View Post
OMG, OP i could've written this post! totally!
:

I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't 1950, and that DH helping doesn't make me a bad housekeeper/Mom/person.

Crunchy, pagan, vegan,homeschooling wife and mother of 3 beautiful daughters and 2 wonderful sons

kittymac is offline  
#29 of 41 Old 01-17-2008, 12:19 PM
 
the_lissa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 13,248
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


No. We split the housework, but we have stuff that we each generally do, but we don't get offended if the other person does it.

Jam 7, Peanut Butter 5, and Bread 2.

the_lissa is offline  
#30 of 41 Old 01-20-2008, 06:13 PM
 
jeca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Dark side of the Moon
Posts: 9,021
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Nope, I apreciate it greatly when he gets off his butt and helps.
jeca is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off